Author's Note: To those about to read this two warnings. First, this is a side fic of "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" and if you haven't read that you'll be very confused. Second, this is NOT CANON for obvious reasons
"Oh my god," Blaise Zabini, token normal member of Default, said one fine Monday morning.
The reason he said this was very clear, and really, even Lily couldn't hold it against him. Still, hold it against him Lily would, or at the very least she'd ignore him and drive forward as she always did. Sometimes, even when you knew you were on a ship sinking like the Titanic, all you could do was standing on the bow and cry out "Forward, march" into the iceberg filled depths.
So even if Zabini was right, Lily was never going to admit it out loud.
Instead Lily stood on top of Default's table, "I think what you meant to say, Zabini, was 'Oh, Albania!', because that vampire infested, communist, death trap has sent us another poor Rabbitson soul!"
Behind Lily, needless to say, was yet another white haired, blonde, eerily good looking adolescent that could only have come from that cursed yet delicious Rabbitson stock. The other two Rabbitsons, Lepur and Lenin, sitting at the Default table had no reaction to what logically had to be their long-lost brother standing behind her.
Well, no, that was a lie, Wizard Lenin certainly had a reaction, "Lily, what the hell did you do?"
Oh, he was pissed, not only was miasma beginning to swirl around his feet and the air starting to shimmer with the heat of his rage, but he'd slipped and called her by her secret identity.
"Lily?" Daphne asked, her nose wrinkling, while Hermione just thoughtfully glanced up from her book, having remembered Lily's strange confession of really going by Lily instead of Ellie all those months ago.
Not that Hermione had ever done anything with that information. Well, anything more than use Lily for her own gain, that was. That said, Lily couldn't really hold that against her, shouldn't at any rate. Even if… She didn't know, but she had felt for a moment that there should have been more than that between them.
They'd had a chance for more than this somewhere along the way.
Still, all that was irrelevant to the immediate situation, the immediate situation being the expressionless, dare Lily say robotic, flaxen-haired boy behind her. If it was actually a boy, Lily honestly wasn't clear on that bit, she wasn't sure that it… did gender.
Granted, she hadn't gone out of her way to check, but…
Well, when you're minding your own business, patrolling all night outside the girl's bathroom after just having driven off Tequila Weasley, and a naked, sparking, beeping, adolescent falls on top of you from thin air you got a better look than etiquette would normally allow.
Which, really, what the hell? Lily wouldn't exactly say she was the center of the universe, even if it did insist on placing her at the center, but only one shitty and weird thing out of her control should happen to her per academic year. Wasn't the Heir of Slytherin enough? Did she really have to deal with the boy band version of The Terminator?
"Bloop," the boy, well thing, said.
For a moment, no one said anything, and then Zabini asked drily, "Is this one's name Leper?"
"Oh, you think you're very clever," Lily said, "But his tragic backstory is so tragic, so traumatizing, that you'll wish he had leprosy!"
"I'll wish he had—"
Lily spoke over him, "Everyone, this is—"
The boy proceeded to make a long series of what could only be called robotic gargling. His head tilted back mechanically, and the noise exited his vibrating throat, this horrible swan's song. They all watched in morbid fascination as it just kept going, heads turning from other tables, to get a look at the latest Defaultian disaster on their hands.
Finally, he straightened his neck, and looked back at them with cold black eyes as if waiting to see what they made of that.
Now, Lily wasn't exactly sure what an android who was probably from the future wanted with her, if it was too broken from the time travel to get down to the business of killing her or else conveying some message, but she did wish that it was capable of speaking English.
Or you know, anything but tone-deaf whale.
Lily pulled out the only syllables she could from that, "This is Owowowowowoo Rabbitson—Owo for short. He used to be a great singer, you know, before Albania."
"Aren't you going to tell us that he was born in—"
"Shut up, Zabini!"
Wizard Lenin, it had to be said, at this point had jut put a hand over his head and was looking like he dearly wished to sink into he earth and never come out again.
"Are you sure he isn't just brain damaged?" Wizard Lenin asked, "More than the other one even?"
Rabbit, as usual, had nothing to say to that, didn't even blink at the accusation. His younger, equally inhuman, brother simply said, "Boop"
Owo would do well to emulate Rabbit. No, wrong statement, he'd do well if he took a similar vow of silence. No one should emulate Rabbit.
"Well, let's hear it already," Hermione said, shutting her book with a huff, "What's this one doing here, Ellie?"
"I'm so glad you asked," Lily said with a grin, "Owo is Lenin and Lepur's little—"
Luna raised her hand, and when Lily motioned towards her, pointed out, "I thought Lenin said that his mother died, and his father went crazy and was eaten by a Soviet vampire."
Lily stared at her blankly, "This was before the Russian vampire."
"Wasn't his soul devoured by some soulless Albanian demon?" Daphne asked, brow furrowing and lips pursed in disgust as she remembered Wizard Lenin's apparently all too memorable tragic backstory.
Lily said the first thing that came into her head, "Well he still had the equipment, didn't he?"
"Oh God," Hermione said, pressing a hand to her mouth as she imagined Lenin and Lepur Rabbitson's practically comatose father, still having the equipment to manage to get it up with someone.
Luna raised her hand again.
Lily thought about ignoring it, she really did, but with a sigh she motioned towards Luna again, "Yes, what is it?"
"Why didn't Lenin mention Owo before if—"
"Because Lenin is an ass who is even more embarrassed of Owo than he is of Lepur," Lily hissed out, motioning to poor Owo Rabbitson, who was now trying and failing to sit on the bench over and over again.
"Well, you're not wrong," Wizard Lenin said, now tilting his body away from the table, as if by facing another direction he wasn't associated with this.
Luna raised her hand again.
"No more questions until I'm done!" Lily shot back, and watched as Luna's hand slowly, but surely, sunk back down.
"She was getting somewhere?" Blaise asked, in his typical sotto voce to Daphne, but unfortunately for him Lily always had good enough hearing to pick it up.
"Yes, she was," Lily huffed, "If you people would stop interrupting."
Then, taking a breath, she decided there was nothing for it but to plunge straight ahead and just hope everyone accepted it with the usual Hogwarts bullshit that Lily and or the universe thrust upon them.
"Owo is Lenin and Lepur's youngest half-brother, conceived when their soulless father wandered off into a wizard brothel and the whore just thought he was a drunk customer. He grew up, running odd jobs for the madam, until his village was invaded by vampires and he was drafted into their wizard child army—"
"Their wizard—" someone started but Lily didn't give them a chance to get anywhere with that.
"—He became the equivalent of a green beret, one of the greatest soldiers they'd ever seen, Conan the Barbarian of vampire wizard child soldiers. However, all that came to a sudden end when the real adult wizards wiped out the vampire forces—"
Wizard Lenin was now shaking his head in despair.
"Owo survived, but the trauma of war took its toll along with the black magic enhancements to his body. He wandered the Albanian countryside, despondent, and one day came across his newly rebuilt home village. Mistaken for a vampire vagrant, the local wizard cop chased him out, but Owo kept wandering back. Owo was then imprisoned, and reminded of the war, he broke and fled into the mountains while the village mounted larger and larger forces to—"
"Li—Ellie," Wizard Lenin asked, peeking through his hands to look at her, "Is this the plot of Rambo: First Blood?"
Lily stopped, stared, and said the only thing she could, "No."
"Is this the plot of Rambo with the green beret, Sylvester Stallone, replaced with a gurgling, brain damaged, child?"
Wizard Lenin raked a hand through his hair, "Oh Ellie, you were doing so well, the first few sentence really were quite good."
Lily decided she would not be grateful for Wizard Lenin's paltry praise.
Wizard Lenin then turned to his fellow Default members, motioned to Owo, "This is… Owo Rabbitson, my retarded half-brother, born of my father and a whore. Undoubtedly, he was drained dry by a vampire at some point in his life, and experimented on with dark magic that left him as this worthless shell of a human being. Were fate kinder, he would be dead, but he somehow managed to crawl his way to the safety of England where, somehow, he knew his half-siblings waited."
No one said anything for a good long while.
Finally, it was Luna who, turning to Owo, said, "Hello Owo, welcome to Default."
And breakfast proceeded like usual.
That was it, the next time weird shit happened, Lily wasn't even going to bother providing an explanation.
Hogwarts could just sit down, shut up, and deal with everything that Lily herself had to.
Author's Note: A fic explaining the tragic origins of an Owo Rabbitson, who is a bot on the Muffinverse Discord. Yes, people, we're that deep into side fic land.
Thanks to readers, reviews are much appreciated.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter