So, first of all I wanted to thank you all for your much needed reviews, keep them coming, they motivate me! After all, who doesn't enjoy a little bit of compliments?
I loved the fact you appreciated my work, giving all the great writers out there.
Anyway, this story is a tough one at the beginning, but I swear that it's worth it at the end. Don't worry, my next work it's going to be a funny one.
You may recognize a part of Meredith's speach of episode 11x21 of Grey's Anatomy. I've always loved it and thought it was a perfect fit! I hope it doesn't bother you.
Enjoy your reading.
Pulling the plug, that's what they call it.
The expression almost funny, if you don't consider the fact that someone really pulls a plug, and that the same plug is attached to a machine of life support.
Thinking about it, it isn't funny at all.
A shrink would probably read too much into this kind of behavior, just to give the usual evaluation by the book (probably a very cheap psychology one), and end the session with platitudes she doesn't need.
So she tries to be her own shrink and make sense of her newfound black humor.
She thinks that maybe it's just a coping mechanism; you know, trying to find something funny to help her cope with the situation.
Maybe, just maybe, it's as simple as it gets and she's just going trough one of the stages of grief.
No, screw that.
If she wants to amuse herself with "pulling the plug", she can, because everything is already too surreal to even bother about that.
The last thing she would have expected in that moment, was to stand beside the love of her life's hospital bed and watching him as he breathes only with the help of a ventilator.
Out of nowhere she realizes that her gaze has found the famous plug she has been so playful about.
She's been staring at that damn thing for god knows how much time.
They are probably thinking she's a freak, focused on an electrical outlet, instead of the dying man.
"Ma'am," the surgeon calls her "can we discuss some things outside?"
It almost seems like the very first time he's giving bad news to a patient's family member, and she swears that, if it's because of his incompetence that Harvey's reduced like that, she's going to kill him.
Or better, she's going to get him a diaper on and send him back to med school. At least he'll be able to help someone else in the future; just not who she really wants. It's too late for that.
She follows him out of the room and sits down on those incredibly uncomfortable waiting room chairs.
She likes the practice of medicine, but she hates hospitals. They're dirty and messy and smelly. Although now she's found a new reason to add at the list.
She figures the doctor is struggling with a way to find the right words, but she's already more than aware of what he's going to say.
"I'll sign the documents." She declares stolidly.
She's thought about that, and she's made her decision.
There's really not much to consider, because him waking up is not an option.
No brain activity tells her that only the telenovela's kind of miracle could help him, and she doesn't believe in these stuff.
She knows that's what he would have wanted too.
The stubborn man he is (was) wouldn't like to be helped by anyone, let alone being helped to survive by a long-term care facility.
How many times she had whished he had kept his mouth shut, and now wanting nothing more but him to tell her she's making the right choice.
"Sorry I-" the man trying to catch up with what she has just said.
"That's what you wanted to talk to me about. You want me to sign the documents to put an end to his life, now that we have waited the requisite number of hours and we can officially declare him dead; even if he's not really dead. " Her voice raspy and hoarse.
"If you prefer, we can launch other options. We can always wait-"
"Wait for what?" she cuts him off "You're supposed to be the expert here. You saw his trace and chart. And I should wait and cross my fingers and hope for magic?"
She tries to lower her voice, finding it a little too loud. She inhales and exhales before she keeps talking.
"Or do I stop all cure and intervention? Discontinue all the routine monitoring, remove all the drains and catheters, end any and all treatments that might provide comfort to the patient? Terminating all life sustaining measures and behaving as any sane person would behave."
This may not be her field of specialisation, but she's not an idiot. She knows how it works.
The surgeon is completely shut down by her words and can do nothing but look at his hands, joined on his lap.
"Aren't these the things you were looking forward to discuss? Does that about cover it, doc? Great, now just give me the goddamn papers." Tears pooling in her eyes, but not really falling.
She has made a promise to herself, that she wouldn't cry. But at this point she's not sure it's the best idea ever after all.
"Ma'am…" he tries to reason.
At his words, an unexpected boost, given by a mix of anger and exsperation, maybe even sadness and tiredness, makes the blood boil into her veins.
"Give me the papers!" she shouts with a force she didn't even know she possessed.
She grabs with violence the stack of papers laying on the seat near her and starts signing with a shaky hand.
She knows she's probably being too harsh with the man who's only doing his job, but right now she couldn't care less. Right now nothing matters anymore.
Before getting back to his room, she wonders if she should call Marcus or Lily.
She decides against it. She tells herself it's because they would take too much time to arrive from Boston, while the I.C.U needs the bed, but she's aware that's bullshit.
In any case, it's not like they're going to miss a party. She's saving them an incredible painful moment; or at least that's what she believes, like she's immune to the gravity of the situation.
They will have a chance to tell him goodbye later, but right now she needs to do it alone.
Maybe she's just being selfish, but ,as has already been said, nothing matters anymore.
The redhead gets back to the room and gives him one last look, this time finding it a little harder.
His face is paler than a few hours before and a big bandage is covering the site of incision from the previous brain surgery.
She tries to grasp a little residue of life in his expression, but she doesn't find any.
She wants to touch him, feel him, but his coldness would make her more aware of his near death.
She considers telling something before he goes away forever, but even the thought of saying his name and talking to him without getting a response makes her heart break.
The employee informs her that it could take a while and in the meantime she could sit next to him.
Then she starts the procedure.
It's strange. Donna would have pictured it as a torture at every single long step; instead she finds it incredibly fast. She's afraid she won't remember any of this, that she's letting the moment slip by.
To be fair, Harvey's let many moments slip by. How many times he could have man up and confess his true feelings for her. Sure, he went ahead with the excuse of not being able to tell her how he loved her, but she knows better.
She knows that the real reason they've lost so many years together is because he was afraid. Yes, she was afraid too, but at least she's made a few moves.
He had always remained in his safe zone.
Until that night he decided to come at her door. Making her open up to the possibility of a future togher. Who gave him the right to get her hopes up, just to leave her like this?
Coward. He's a coward, and she hates him. But above all, she hates how much she loves him. How much he made her fall for him.
At the end of the day, Donna considers it his fault anyways.
At this point it would have been better to remain in the dark, ensure about everything.
Perhaps it wouldn't hurt so freaking badly.
No, it wouldn't.
Because, that little while they got to spend together as a couple, will always be one of her biggest regrets, but also one of the biggest things she will hold on to.
They still have, even if bittersweet, the memories.
"I'm sorry do we-?" "Know each other? Not yet, but today's your lucky day." "And why's that?" "Because it's the day you get to meet Donna."
"You mean for you to get me out of." "Donna, you of all people should understand by now that to me they're the same thing."
"Do you love Harvey Specter?"
"You know I love you Donna"
"I love you Harvey"
"Love about me?" "Love about you."
"I'm a Donna fan" "I'm a Harvey fan."
"Harvey, if there's anyone in the world I have faith in, it's you"
"Are you saying you're coming back to me?" "Yes, I am."
"You want to be alone?" "No."
"Anyone else ever loses faith in me it doesn't matter, but with you it's different."
"For the record, I would have gone with you."
"Because she's different."
"She's the one."
"Harvey, you're a good man."
"Harvey and I are like this."
"Look I need you." "Need?" "Need."
"She must be very special." "She is."
"Because I think you're worthy, and I don't wanna loose you."
"I'm finally where I'm supposed to be." "We both are."
"Donna, the thought of you going to prison makes me wanna drop to my knees."
"You know we're gonna be together forever, right?"
He had promised her forever. He's got his one, but she'll never get hers.
The stream of memories gets interrupted by the deafening sound of the machines.
The piercing noise reporting he's officially gone.
Gone, paste tense. She can't even begin to think about a world where Harvey is in the past. Did a Donna even exist before Harvey?
She's turned into stone. More of a phantom.
No way what she's feeling can be described, but she'll never be the same again.
For the matter, she doesn't even know who she is anymore.
She's fading away, loosing touch with the outside world.
If it only wasn't for that damn noise.
"Turn those motherfucking things off!" She shouts.
The terrified nurse does as she says and in a second the noise is over.
"It's over." A voice says, but it's difficult to understand where it comes from.
Suddenly she wakes up, coming to sit up on the bed and yelling while tears are streaming down her face.
All covered in sweat and panting more than heavily, she believes she may faint.
The urge to vomit is higher than ever and her head is throbbing.
"It's over. You're safe. It was a dream." Harvey says in the darkness of their bedroom, trying to take her in his arms, even if she's fighting him.
A dream, it was just a dream. More of a nightmare.
"I pulled the plug." She manages to say, digging her manicured nails into his flesh.
"Honey, I have no idea what you're talking about." A confused look spreads across his features.
"You were brain dead and I pulled the plug." She explains while he frowns his brows.
"Okay," he assumes she's talking about her dream, but he still needs time to let the information sink. "Well, you were asleep, none of that happened; you can relax."
"It's easy for you to say. You had gotten your peace, but what about me? You left me alone!" She cries out.
Not sure he can make it right just with the words, he reaches for the nightstand and switches the light on; the eyes needing a little while to adapt to the newfound brightness.
Harvey takes her clammy hand and puts it on his chest, right where his heart beats.
The fabric of his shirt is soft and his skin is warm.
He smiles at her and squeezes her hand.
"See? I'm alive. I'm right here, I'm not leaving you." He reassures.
"I thought I would never hear or feel you again." She confesses, and the lawyer decides to pull her in a toe-curling kiss.
His lips feel so familiar and immediately all her body relaxes under his touch.
The act itself is full of force and tenderness at the same time.
This. This is Harvey.
"Did you feel that?" He asks when they part for the lack of oxygen.
"Yeah, I definitively felt that." She chuckles before turning serious again.
"But still, horrible things happen, and not just in the dreams. I could really loose you."
Her words hit him hard. He's never seen her so vulnerable and insecure, so not Donna.
He wants to make her feel safe and guarded, even though he can't help but feeling pleased she cares so much about him.
After all those years of unspoken words, it's nice to know what they have it's real.
He will keep this moment in mind to tease her later, but right now she needs him to say something.
"I know, but we can't live being afraid of what's going to happen. We savour the moments and keep going and face everything is thrown in our way. Every step of the way." He clarifies, moving his palm up and down her back.
"You're right. When did you get so wise?" She asks, arching her perfect shaped eyebrow.
"Have been learning from the best for fifteen years." He jokes with that boyish smile she loves.
Donna can't help but think how the hell she got so lucky. Harvey being the cause of almost all of her problems, but also the answer of all of them. Even if she wanted to explain to him how he makes her feel, she's not so sure that she could. Plus, as he has said, they just need to enjoy their time, the rest will follow.
"Sorry I waked you up…and maybe even punched you." She apologizes.
"Oh you did, so now we're going back to sleep."
As he tries to switch the light off again, she stops him. "Promise me I'll die first." She tells him.
For a second he thinks she's joking, to lighten up the mood, but the look in her eyes confirms him that she's dead serious.
"I don't think it's actually up to me, but I'll try." He finds a compromise. "Who knows, I might poison you." He kids.
"No way. You wouldn't make it trought one day without me. Plus, wouldn't you miss all the great sex?" The redhead laughs and gets under the silk covers.
"That," he nodds his head pointing his finger at her "is so true."
With him spooning her from behind, his nose nuzzled in her neck, their legs and fingers interwined, they're almost succumbing to sleep.
"By the way, honey? Where did that come from?" She teases him about using a pet name.
"You were basically having a panic attack, I gave you a life lesson and that is all you've gotten from that?" He argues. "Now just close your pretty little eyes and get some sleep."
"So I close my eyes, and you'll be there when I open them again?"
I really liked writing this, I felt so ispired. Hope you felt all the feelings I wanted to express!