A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far
It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the Galactic Empire.
During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet. Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Leia races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people, and restore freedom to the Galaxy...
"WE'RE DOOMED! WE'RE DOOMED! SO VERY VERY DOO-HOO-HOOOOOOOMED!" Exclaimed a frantic, yet intelligent protocol droid by the name of Archie-p0. He looked inside another room.
"ARTOO-PEATOO! WILL YOU HURRY UP! WE'RE SITTING DUCKS
Meanwhile, within the same room, R2-Pea2, a rather small, round droid was conversing with Princess Leia, a blueberry.
"Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you
are...how you say, moi only hope..."
She said, as R2 recorded.
"Zhere." She finished. "'Ave you got all zat?"
"Good." She said. "Take zees plans to ze Rebel Alliance, and whatever you do, do not let Darth Verdura get hees grimy, black gloved
hands on it!" Leia placed a CD into R2's storage compartment. R2-Pea2 abruptly rolled out of the room, and looked back at her.
"Be careful!" She called.
In the main hallway of the starship, Rebel soldiers lined up at the entrance, anticipating the moment when the evil Empire would enter...
"*Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale..*"
As soon as they heard this, they cocked their guns, preparing to fire.
The door burst open in a cloud of smoke, and a bunch of Stormtroopers surrounded the left and right flank of the room, leaving an entrance space for the malicious Sith Lord, DARTH VERDURA!
He was a tall, male zucchini wearing an all-black cyborg-esque outfit, save for the red and blue buttons on his chest. Verdura also wore a large, black helmet, which hid his horribly disfigured face he'd sustained in
an accident long ago.
"...oh nooooo!" He said, sarcastically, "It's the BAAAADDD guyyyyys!"
"FIRE AT WILL!" Called a rebel
The rebel soldiers obeyed, firing numerous shots. Darth Verdura, however, blocked them all away, as if through some kinda magic. This "magic" wasn't magic, but the Lite Vinaigrette.
The Rebel soldiers fired as many shots as they could, but Verdura's bucket-headed goons remained victorious.
"Search the ship.." He ordered a few Stormtroopers. "..Find the girl."
"Already found er,' Sir." Said a
Stormtrooper. He placed Leia down, she was tied to a chair.
"Well, that was fast!" Said Darth.
Leia awoke and looked up, a scowl
on her face.
"Bonjour, Darth." Said Leia in a mocking tone.
"Hello, Leia." Said Darth in the same mocking tone.
"Darth Verdura...only you could be so bold. Ze Imperial Senate vill not stand for zees! When zhey hear Zat you have hijacked a ship on diplomatic mission, so help me, zhey'll-"
"You are a part of the Rebel Alliance and a TRAITOR!" Exclaimed Verdura. "TAKE HER AWAY, WE WILL BEGIN THE INTERROGATION MOMENTARILY!"
The Stormtroopers obeyed, taking the kicking and punching Princess
away. Meanwhile, R2-Pea2 was trying to get to the escape
pods, yet he unknowingly was being followed by
How he hated whenever that nanny droid would always show up and tell him what was right or wrong.
He was a "full-grown droid! Not a little calculator!" As R2 always said.
Arch would always fire back with a
"droids don't age, R2, how silly of you to think that!"
R2 had just reached the
escape pod, when...
"STOP, R2! Don't go in, you'll surely be deactivated!"
R2 did not listen, and he beeped a sassy remark.
"WHAT?! How dare you call me a
mindless philosopher...you... you...you OVERWEIGHT GLOB OF GREASE!" Exclaimed Archie-
R2-Pea2 beeped and whistled.
"...I KNOW IT WAS MEAN OF ME, BUT I MEANT IT! You've cheated on your diet!" Arch "slapped" R2.
R2-Pea2 rolled into the escape pod, then looked back at the golden droid with a rather sad look, as if to say, "Are you coming or what?"
"NO!" Declared Archie-p0. "I'm not going in. It's your own fault, you little devil, and I'm not gonna take the blame. I'm not going-"
PEW! PEW! PEW!* A few laser blasts nearly killed the droid and left smoking remains on the walls.
"in...there...on second thought, LET'S GO! BY ALL
MEANS, LEAD THE WAY!"
Arch climbed into the pod and R2 activated it, sending the droids barreling across space.
"...I've always wanted a nice vacation!"
From the interior of a Star Destroyer, two of Vader's generals were watching the ship's surroundings. Just then, the escape pod containing Archie-p0 and Artoo flew by.
"Hold your fire!" Said an officer to another one positioning a gun at the pod.
"There's no life forms aboard."
"But I saw two droids!"
"DROIDS ARE'NT LIFE FORMS, STUPID! IT'S FIRST GRADE!" The lead officer smacked the more incompetent one upside the head.
Meanwhile, Verdura was still
"...Give me the location of the
base..." Said Verdura, sternly, "OR YOU'LL BE REDUCED TO A SEVEN LEIA DIP!"
"Darth..." Said Leia. "I've told you before, ze answer
ees obviously no."
Darth and his comrades laughed til their sides hurt at her comment. He leaned on a wall next to her and squeezed her hair buns.
"See here, little sister.." Said Darth. "When you're with a great big, scary ol' Galactic terrorist like myself, ya don't really want to say "no" to me."
"Say, Lord Verdura," said a Stormtrooper. "How bout we show her what we do to blue blood Rebel scum like her..."
"Great idea, TK-8675309!"
Said Verdura. He looked at another Stormtrooper. "GIMMIE A BEAT!" He hollered.
(Imperial March Rap! Lyrics:)
"Y-y-yo, y-yo, yo...
("A-bust a funky lyric, now!")
Now see here you
little royal pain,
I be droppin'
Imperial Beats on
yo' thought train!
Yeah, I'm the
baddest dude that
you'll ever meet,
covered in black
from head to my
Princess, you think
this is unnerving?
Tell ya what: I find
your lack of faith
An Ev'ry body say
"Da da da da-da-
(Da da da da-da-
Verdura to ya
So sit back, chillax,
let the hate flow
And I shall proceed
to school ya!
Well, a nick, an' a nack,
An' a straight-up paddy whack,
I command an army of troops,
That will attack ya from da back!
Pulpatine, my man,
He may have them
Get one thing
wrong, I'll force
choke ya to the
Mama say mama
Who is this Lord
"So tell me, Princess, now that I've given you an incredibly cringey and short rap song, where is the Rebel Base?"
"Zhey're on...uh...Dantooine?!" She stuttered.
"AAAAAAAAAAHGBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBHHGGRRHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Darth clearly couldn't take her stalling anymore. "STORMTROOPER-AND-BOSS ONLY MEETING! EVERYBODY IN THE WALK-IN CLOSET!"
All the troopers crawled into the walk-in closet, then shut the door. Leia placed an "ear" to the door so as to eavesdrop.
"Okay, guys." Said Darth. "The music number didn't work, nor did asking her nicely or harshly chewing her out-how're we gonna make her crack?"
"How bout we blow up Alderaan?" Suggested a Stormtrooper.
"That's ridiculous!" Exclaimed Verdura.
"We could ne-SAAAYYY! I have an idea: how bout we blow up Alderaan!"
"...great idea, sir." Said the Stormtrooper, sarcastically.
Verdura quickly ran out of the closet, grabbed Leia and
tied her to yet another chair. He pushed her in front of the window, giving her a view of her home planet. He then ran back, microwaved two bags of popcorn and sat next to her.
"Oh boy this is gonna be so good!" He opened his helmet and stuffed some popcorn in his mouth. He then passed a bag to her.
"What?" Said Leia.
"Well, dearie, since you won't give me the plans or tell me where the base is...I'm gonna blow up your home planet! Hee-hee heeeee!"
Leia's unsure expression became a definite face of surprise mixed with utter terror.
"No! NO-NO-NO-NNOOOOOOO! YOU CAN'T DO ZIS!"
"Oh, but I can. FIRE IT UP BOYS!" He called to his Stormtroopers.
Leia watched in horror as the enormous laser powered up, slowly
"Say," Verdura looked back at Leia, "Do you want extra butter?"
"On three.." Said a rather dumb Stormtrooper to another whose "finger" was above the fire button.
That did it.
Alderaan was reduced to dust in a matter of seconds.
MONSTER!" Exclaimed Leia, tears rolling down her face as she reached for her gun.
As she was about to fire it, Verdura simply "flicked his wrist," and the gun flew into the garbage chute.
"Oh, yeah?!" Said Verdura. "So what if I destroyed your home planet, at least you never got fried in lava and then rebuilt into me, a mechanical freak show! How's that for losing something you love?! Huh? Oh, and what about your mom?! She-" Verdura looked around, and was embarrassed at the spoiler he'd given.
"But...that's a story for another day." He looked at the Stormtroopers.
"What do you mean by "my mom?!"" Leia called.
"uh...nothing...TAKE HER TO THE DETENTION CELLS AND LOCK ER' UP!"The Stormtroopers obeyed.
"Sir! Siiiirrrrrr!" A Stormtrooper called just as the door was about to close.
This trooper, while hurrying to deliver this message, failed to notice the wet floor sign.
"wwwOOOOOOah!" He exclaimed, then landed in front of Verdura.
"Yes, what is it?" Said Verdura.
"We have discovered the location of the plans! An escape pod has been jettisoned recently, and our sources have determined that it contains a protocol droid, and an R2 unit with the plans!"
The trooper then let out an excited, girly squeal, Verdura also let out a girly squeal, until he cleared his throat, the Stormtrooper following.
"Find them, and bring them to me." He said.
As soon as the door to the hallway closed, Verdura looked around, then broke into tears.
"I...I lost my smokin' hot body...OH, WHY'D I HAVE TO CHALLENGE THE LITE VINAIGRETTE?! But hey! At least Leia doesn't know I'm her-"