Halloween is no different in a Galaxy Far, Far Away...
Let me spin you a yarn about an unlucky cucumber who destined upon the ancient book, the Sithcrononicon...for everyone knows that when you read it in the midst of a cemetery, the dead come alive...
It was a dark and
Wait, thatʼs a really lame beginning.
Anyway, it was pretty rainy that night on the Kamino rebel base. Bob, Cuke, and Leia all sat around a tv with rabbit-ear antennas and were spending their evening with snacks and an all-night horror movie marathon.
"Oh, that 'Die Hardʼ guyʼs gonna get it, I can just tell..." Said Bob. Heʼs dead."
"No heʼs not!" Said Cuke, defiantly.
"Yeah he is—that kid said "I see dead people", so heʼs dead, obviously!"
"Guys!" Said Leia. "Pipe down, my favorite partʼs starting!"
The movie slightly progressed to see a boy ghost. He turned around, there was a HIDEOUS wound in the back of his head, spilling blood like a fruit gusher.
"AAAAAAGH!" Said Cuke. He turned to Leia. "You LIKE that part?!"
"AAAUGH!" Exclaimed Bob.
"What?" Said Leia.
"Weʼre OUT of CHERRY SODA!" Bob exclaimed.
Leia rolled her eyes.
"Oh no." She said in the most sarcastic tone she could muster. "The world is surely ending..."
"I could get some!" Cuke said.
"Perfect!" Leia smiled. "There's a convienience store
"...cherry coke jones, I gotta cherry coke jones..." Bob briefly sang.
"...and hereʼs your 2-liter cherry coke and two packs of real pumpkin-flavored cupcakes, thatʼll be 4.57 credits." The dingy, bearded convenience store cashier handed Cuke a bag with what he was sent
"Thaaank you my good man!" Said Cuke.
He placed the credits on the countertop with a slight clatter. As Cuke started to walk out, the man stopped him.
"Pumpkin spice flavored cupcakes? Really, dude?!" He asked.
"Hey!" Said Cuke. "Theyʼre good!"
"...I guess so..." Said the cashier. "But that flavorʼs popularityʼll never last."
Cuke walked out of the convenience store and started walking home, bags in non-existent hand. He started to walk home, humming a small tune to himself when he tripped on something near the cemetery. The thing in question, was a large, blood-red book with ancient text all over the cover. In the middle of the book, was a black skeleton holding a bone key.
The name of the book was so horrifying, it made people cringe in fear when they read the name of,
"Seeth-Cronomicron?!" Said Cuke. "Seth Rogen-cronomicro? Reaganomicron? Thatʼs a weird name for a dictionary." Cuke picked it up and started to walk.
"Man, Iʼm gonna be so smart when I read this.." Said Cuke as he proudly walked through the cemetery. "Gonna get real...real...real...sesquipedalian...whatʼs that mean again?"Cuke opened the book to find the "definition", instead he came across something really strange, written in what appeared to be blood. He eventually stopped on something. "Ah, here we go!" He said, pointing at something that looked like a definition. "A-HEM!"
Cuke was risen high up into the air as he spoke these words, his usually chipper voice replaced by a grim monotone as he said these words;
"...Darkness falls across the land
The midnight hour is close at hand Creatures crawl in search of blood
To terrorize y'all's neighborhood...The foulest stench is in the air, The funk of forty thousand years, And grisly ghouls from every tomb, Are closing in to seal your doom, And though you fight to stay alive, Your body starts to shiver... For no mere mortal can resist The evil of the thriller!"
Once he had finished saying this, he went back to normal.
"Heh." He said. "This night airʼs really screwinʼ my voice—I gotta get a cough drop!"
Cuke started to walk away, not knowing of the absolut that would follow him.
The skies turned black.
Lightning streaks blasted across the skies.
The ground started to crack, filling the planet with an eerie red glow.
From within, millions of undead vegetables emerged. Their eyes were red, their bodies decaying. They started to groan, flies approaching their dead bodies, then began to advance towards Cuke, who had now reached the end of the cemetery. Despite all this happening, Cuke still continued to walk. Suddenly, he looked around with an absolutely terrified expression.
"OH MY GOODNESS!" He exclaimed. Cuke gazed down. "...I HAD A COUPON THIS WHOLE TIME AND I DIDNʼT KNOW?!" The creatures moaned. Cuke slowly turned around to find he was now being stalked by millions of SITH ZOMBIES!
"JEEEEDDIIIIIIIII..." they moaned.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIEEEEEEEAEEEEAAAEEEAAAEEEAAAEEE!" Exclaimed Cuke, screaming like a little girl. He ran like the dickens across the field, "JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDIIIIIIIIII..." the creatures moaned.
"AUUUGH!" Exclaimed Cuke. "AUGH! NO! GET OFF ME!"
Cuke dropped the Sithcronomicon and ran behind a tree. As the book dropped, Cuke could have sworn he heard it say something...
"To put the reign of blood-thirst and terror to an end,
Give them the taste of a true Hallowʼd Eve, my Jedi friend.."
"What?!" He said, trying to get the words out of his ears. "What the heck was that?!"
The zombies started to attack him once more, thankfully he wasnʼt being bitten. Cuke realized something from the book, but he struggled to put his non-existent finger on it.
"Hallowʼd Eve..." thought Cuke as he bought out his lightsaber, not
even bothering to look at the zombies he was mutilating. "Flavor..."
Suddenly, he looked at his cupcakes—
"FLAVOR! "YES!" Said Cuke. "IT MAKES SENSE!" He opened one package and gave one cupcake to a zombie.
The Sith-zombie sniffed, then took a bite. It gave a "MMMMMMH!" of satisfaction, then handed some to the others. Slowly, they all started to glow an orange light, all expressing grunts of delight, until they burst with the rise of the moon, turning into bright orange leaves.
The night returned to normal, the sky was not red.
"AWESOME!" He said as he walked back home to the base.
Leia opened the door to find a somewhat disheveled Cuke holding the same black, plastic convenience store bag.
"Got your soda, Bob!" Exclaimed Cuke.
Bob immediately got up, and grabbed his coke. He chugged it down, but not before telling Cuke;
"What happened to you?"
"Oh, just the undead Sith rising from their burial grounds attacking me and they wanted my blood and I ended up defeating them by giving emʼ punkinʼ cupcakes all cause I read from some stupid book." Replied Cuke in a rather fast manner. No big deal."
"COOL!" Leia exclaimed.
"Well, thanks for the coke!" Replied Bob.
"And as for you..." Said Cuke, tossing the Sithcronomicon to the side.
The Sithcronomicon was in smoldering shreds on the floor. Never to bother anyone or raise the dead ever again.