A/N: Crack-Fic! If you'd like to beta this story, you can contact me via PM.
Warning: I do not condone the abuse of drugs and everybody is responsible for him/herself. This is supposed to be a stoner comedy/parody of the Harry Potter universe. If you don't like it, try a different story.
Warning2: This chapter contains mention of fem!slash activities, I don't think it's enough to offend anyone yet, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. Will add this warning to summery!
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine. If it were, I would be rich. I'm not, so screw this.
Once Hermione and Ron had returned from making their rounds, the train was already pulling into the station. They had to help herd the first year into the boats by the lake, so Hermione told Harry to go on ahead.
"Here!" She handed him a small envelope. "Just in case I don't get to sneak around tonight."
Hermione left him with a saucy wink. As Harry climbed into one of the not quite horseless carriages, he risked a sneak peak. It contained a fat stack of polaroids, most depicting Hermione in some kind of lingerie. In others she had simply taken off her shirt.
God those pants were tight.
Placing the envelope securely into his pocket, Harry looked up as Neville joined him.
He had been the first Harry and Hermione had recruited after the prison break from Durzkaban. After a short visit, some weed, a quick talk and even more weed, Neville had agreed to be their gardener.
They had all taken the Knight Bus to Amsterdam that day. The magical district of the city holding the secret to the finest seeds and the nicest tech. The Dutch had long since perfected the hybrid of muggle and magical growing equipment.
"Yo, Harry my dude."
They did a complicated fist bump routine. Neville, who had been nervous and insecure from day one, now radiated a healthy amount of self-confidence and calm.
"Yo, Nev ma man! How are things?"
"Pretty good, I tried some new magical fertilizer on the latest batch and they're growing buds as big as my head."
"Whoa man that is some serious harvest we're going to get out of them!"
"Yeah I also managed to try the magical extractor we bought, it yields some really potent shit. I also got a strain growing in a time field, that stuff will be chronic man."
"Awesome Nev, I knew you were the right man for the job."
The Longbottom heir handed a couple handfuls of inconspicuous lollipops to the highest of Lords.
"These should keep you covered, but I gotta warn you, they're really potent. Try one and see how you like it. Three of these should keep you high pretty much around the clock."
Harry was unwrapping one, while they were joined by a third person. Harry looked up and was greeted by the pale round eyes of Luna Lovegood.
'Strange how I haven't thought of her before. She should be one of my followers as well. Now, how do I…'
"Can I have one of those?"
Shocked for a moment, Harry had to think for a second.
"Ehh...Well sure, but well these are...uhh...well different."
"Harry, I have sucked on lollipops before. They weren't much of a challenge for me."
With a shrug he handed over the candy, she would find out soon enough. Luna placed the candy in her mouth and began to suck and lick. With a type of perverted and fascinated curiosity, both boys watched as the younger girl enjoyed her treat.
Said girl however, became more relaxed the longer the ride up to the castle went on. The way she ate her lollipop reminded Harry of Hermione in a strange way. Luna melted into her seat, sliding further down as her skirt rode up, revealing her pink lacy thong.
Harry wondered why his voice had become so high all of a sudden. She made direct unblinking eye contact to him while twirling the lollipop between her lips. Harry made a mental note to buy wider pants next chance he got.
"Would you...ahh… would you like to be one of my followers? Well, I have this...ehhh…"
As Luna removed the candy from her lips, a tiny dribble of spit stretched from her mouth to the lolly.
Harry shook his head, breaking away from the fascination the string of saliva held over him.
"Excuse me? I was...ahhh...distracted for a moment."
Again, she focused on his eyes in midlick. Her tongue still wrapped around the lolly, she once more gave it an excruciatingly slow suck, before she answered.
"Sure. I'll be your follower."
The candy disappeared back into her moist orifice, her tongue circling the tip upon entry. Neville gave a strangled gasp with crossed eyes and Harry wondered if some girl had snuck in with an invisibility cloak.
Shaking the thought from his mind, he returned his full attention back to Luna. She was on her back, sprawled over two seats. One of her legs rested on the backrest, the other dangling an inch off the floor.
All in all her underwear didn't leave much to the imagination, only the most intriguing parts.
"Ehhh...but you don't know what being my follower entails."
"No, but I don't need to. I know that this is what I'm supposed to do, so I'll do it. Use me anyway you desire my Lord."
Harry almost lost it then and there, as he watched her break the rest of the lollipop from its stick using her teeth. After producing a strangled gasp, he promised himself to take a cold shower first thing after entering the dorm tonight. A fucking ice cold shower.
The carriage came to a halt and Luna righted herself in her seat. "Can I get another one?"
Harry just shrugged and handed the candy over, while Neville got out, mumbling something about testing the potency again.
Harry entered the Great Hall, Luna following suite. To his surprise, Luna stuck to his side even as he made his way to the Gryffindor table. To the shock of everyone around, she took the seat beside him.
Professor McGonagall rushed over as soon as she spotted the Ravenclaw at her houses table.
"Miss Lovegood!? Don't you want to join your own house at their table?"
"No, I have to remain at the disposal of my liege."
It was to this scene, that Hermione entered the hall. She sighed, what had Harry gotten himself into now?
"It's not mandatory for students to be seated at their house tables, it's just a custom."
Professor McGonagall was taken aback slightly by her favorite student addressing her like this.
"That's correct, well then Ms. Lovegood may remain, if it's her wish…"
She turned and left for the head table. Hermione let out a sigh and turned to look at Harry.
'You owe me a lot of O's for that, but for now I'd like an explanation…'
Plopping down into the only other free spot beside her boyfriend, she addressed the issue directly.
"Mind telling me, why Luna refers to you as 'her liege'?"
"Well she joined Nev and me in the carriage and took one of the new lollies he made for us." He gestured to Neville, who had taken the seat opposite him.
"You've got new candies, I want one, like right now!"
Slightly intimidated by her forceful whisper, Harry handed her one of the lollipops and continued.
"Well, while she was sucking on the lollipop... " Neville made an indiscernible sound at the thought. "...I asked her if she wanted to be my follower and she didn't even want to know what that meant and immediately agreed."
After he had finished with a shrug, Hermione looked Luna over. The other girl was content sucking on her second lolly. Something in the way she licked the hard candy, made Hermione squirm in her seat.
'I know she's capable as a witch and if she can take one of Nev's candies just like that… well she's grade A follower material.'
"Good thinking Harry, I think Luna will be an invaluable asset to us."
Dumbledore got up at the head table and gave them all some bullshit speech about lurking dangers and shit. Harry rolled his eyes.
"That guy's not happy if he can't be vague as all hell."
Hermione, Luna and Nev started snickering, so did Ron and Ginny. They hadn't really heard what Harry had said, but wanted in on the joke.
While the others flew under the radar, Ron was easily a head taller than most seated around him and was spotted by McGonagall.
After a massive berating by their head of house and getting three weeks of detention for thinking that the imminent war was a laughing matter, he was excluded from the feast and sent to their dorm, where he would get a sandwich("Only one!?") and some juice.
After the feast, Harry and Hermione made for their dorm. They soon noticed that Luna was trailing them. Harry turned to the petite blonde.
"Listen Luna, don't you want to sleep in your dorm?"
"I should stay close to you, in case you need me."
"Don't you think it would be less conspicuous if you went to Ravenclaw for the nights? Let's meet at breakfast tomorrow, ok?"
Luna shrugged. "Of course my Lord."
"Oh and cut the 'my Lord' part, 'kay."
Luna gave him a wide grin with hooded eyes.
With that last parting remark, Luna skipped down the corridor. On every second skip, her skirt lifted enough so Harry could see her firm bum and the edges of her lace panties.
Turning back to Hermione, he saw her narrowed eyes a second before she pushed him into an alcove.
"Don't think for a second I haven't seen how you look at her Potter!"
The guttural growl was followed by a sizzling kiss. Her hand wandered down, gripping him tightly.
"And it makes me horny as hell, too bad we don't have more time right now. I have to catch up to the firsties."
Releasing Harry, Hermione pulled him from the alcove out into the hallway, where Harry once more promised himself to take that cold shower.
The next morning found Harry tired, but satisfied. Hermione hadn't managed to make her way over to his dorm, but he had taken liberal use of her care package and the showers. This alleviated most of the strains and stresses that had built up in his body over that day.
He made his way downstairs to the common room, happy that the first day back was on a weekend. Seeing Hermione nowhere and since it was way past the time she usually got up, he made his way downstairs for breakfast.
Hermione was indeed in the great hall already. So was Luna. They had a basket with them. Upon seeing him, both came over to where he stood at the gate to the entrance hall.
"Good morning, Harry." They chorused.
"Morning, what are you two up to?"
Hermione took the opportunity to cross the last step between them and plant a solid kiss on her boyfriend's lips. Luna copied the older girl. She stood on her tiptoes and to his shock, she pressed her soft lips onto his.
Looking a bit confused, Hermione just smirked at him. He decided to let it slide for the moment and Hermione finally told Harry of their plan.
"It such a nice morning outside, we thought you might fancy a little picnic by the lake."
Bringing her mouth closer to his ear, she finished in a whisper.
"And I thought, since it's a weekend, you might fancy a little wake and bake even more."
She pulled away and patted the basket she was holding.
"That's a fantastic idea!" Harry pulled a weed brownie from his enlarged pants pocket.
Last night, after showering and eating one of Nev's lollipops, he had gotten the most ingenious idea ever, he'd looked up the spell that made the insides of things larger than their outsides.
Applying the spell to the front of his pants gave him some breathing room again and doing the pockets meant he had enough space to carry a small stash of items around with him during the day.
They arrived at the lake and searched for a particularly nice spot. Behind some shrubbery, they sat on one of the blankets Hermione had brought and wrapped themselves into the other. Sitting there, sandwiched between two warm female bodies, Harry was glad she hadn't thought to bring more than two.
Hermione took his favorite bong from the basket and a nicely filled baggy of Nev's finest.
"Man, you're brilliant Hermione, but introducing Nev to weed must have been your best idea so far. He grows it almost faster than I can smoke it…, well almost…"
He took the offered glassware and lighter. 'This Lord business is great, I should have thought of it sooner...then again I should have raided Dudley's room earlier.'
Just having taken his first hit, he watched as Luna got a lollipop from the basket. One.
She unwrapped the treat and held it out to Hermione, who twirled her tongue around it. Luna then brought the lolly up to her lips and gave it a gentle suck. They kept eye contact with Harry the entire time, who was glad he had made the last minute modifications to his pants last night.
"Girls, Nev made enough of them, you can take one each."
Smiling Hermione replied. "We had a conversation this morning and decided that we would rather share one."
The candy left Luna's mouth, who held it out to Hermione once more. The older girl, with her tongue slightly extended, pushed it all the way in, until her lips brushed Luna's knuckles. Her eyes were glued to Harry's.
"Yeah, you should just relax Harry. You're our Lord, you deserve to relax." Luna told him.
Quickly taking another bong hit, Harry wondered how he could relax, when certain parts of his body would surely remain quite...tense.
He watched the lolly change mouths for ten minutes and had smoked half the bag, when he was quite sure he couldn't take it any longer. Hermione must then have deemed that they had tortured him enough.
"Luna, mind finishing that candy alone? I think I'd like something else now."
Taking the invisibility cloak from her basket, she winked at Harry before throwing it over herself.
Harry spent the next minutes watching Luna enjoy her treat, while Hermione was really, really busy.
Taking his largest bong from his pocket, Harry watched the sleeping girls before him with a grin. No wonder they were beat. During the second time Hermione had been busy under the cloak, Luna had grown bored and snuck under it as well.
Of course, Hermione had a hard time enunciating her surprise, but if the sounds that followed were anything to go by, she'd enjoyed Luna's ministrations. From there the entire thing had gained some momentum and after his part had been done, the girls had finished each other. Harry for his part was content just watching them play and enjoyed a candy for himself once.
Chuckling he lit up and tried to break his personal record for the largest bong hit. It took him a couple of tries, but he finally made it. Content he leaned back and looked up into the sky.
After watching the clouds move by for a couple of minutes and listening to Luna's cute little snores, Harry suddenly sat bolt upright. He just had THE idea. Fumbling around in his pocket, he grabbed a particularly large brownie. Squinting at it he used his finger to push a couple of dents into the soft, moist cake.
He held the piece of pastry up to his ear and waited for a moment before face palming.
"Of course, god damn muggle tech doesn't work here, going to have to do this the old fashioned way."
Rising from his position, he made his way up to the castle, munching on his 'cell phone' the entire way.
Wandering through a corridor, Harry had a hard time navigating. He was just looking over his shoulder, when another body slammed into him. Harry quickly landed on his back, with the other person on top of him.
"What the…!?" The voice was female and sounded extremely annoyed.
Daphne Greengrass picked herself up, ready to scream at whatever imbecile had dared to cross her way. That she came face to face with Harry Potter, was not expected.
Potter had a silly smile plastered on his face and heavily hooded eyes.
"Potter? What are you doing down here?"
"Down here?" Harry furrowed his brow in confusion.
With a sigh and a roll of her eyes, Daphne asked him like you would a five year old.
"Yes, down here Potter. You're in the dungeons, what were you doing down here!?"
Slowly she was getting aggravated.
"Oh...I...hadn't even noticed...I was on my way to the com...the commo… the one where we all sit together, you know? Well staircase must have… shifted on me...yeah."
"The Gryffindor common room? And there are no moving staircases down here." She brushed herself off. Bloody Gryffindor had completely ruined her outfit, her hair and make up probably too.
"You need to go upstairs Potter. What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Harry had blinked slowly. With his bloodshot eyes he looked pretty sick to her.
"Stairs...hmm right…" He looked to his left and to his right. "You wouldn't know where they've gone?"
She gave him her 'really?' look. To Daphne's neverending surprise, Potter started to dig around in his pockets. After a second he procured a rectangle nicely wrapped in paper. Was that a chocolate bar?
"I'll give you this, and you show me the com...com… the room thing."
How did this idiot Gryffindor know her greatest weakness? She wanted to resist, but knew she had already lost. Snatching the bar from his fingers, she tried to remain composed.
"You're lucky I have nothing better to do. Follow me."
By the time they had reached the staircase, she'd demolished half the bar.
By the time they had reached the entrance hall it was gone.
By the time they had reached the third floor, Daphne started to relax.
"You know Potter, for a Gryffindor, you're not half bad."
"You're not bad either."
Harry was following behind her, fixated entirely on her shapely behind. This reduced the usually so reserved Slytherin to a giggling schoolgirl.
"So Daphne, you wanna be one of my followers?"
Half an hour later, Harry stumbled through the portrait hole. He struggled to his feet and found Neville in front of the fireplace, fast asleep.
Falling to his knees, he grabbed his friend by the collar and shook him.
"Nev! What the fuck is in those candies you're making!?"
Neville awoke with a start and immediately took in the disheveled appearance of his friend and lord.
"Gosh Harry, what happened to you?"
"What happened to me!? Daphne Greengrass happened to me! After I gave her one of your chocolate bars. She almost drowned me."
Neville saw the torn shirt and the bite and scratch marks underneath it. Harry also had a wet sheen covering his nose and mouth. Sniffing at his friend, Neville had to chuckle a bit.
"And not with kindness, I can tell."
"Whatever you're putting in those candies...It makes all the girls become horny as fuck!"
Harry had released his friend and Neville grabbed his book bag. He was halfway up the stairs to fill it with treats, wanting to put Harry's thesis to the test immediately...for science of course.
"Wait, I had THE idea. I wanted to tell you how we can end this war now."
Neville returned to his friend and helped him to his feet.
"Well, tell me."
Harry concentrated really hard, but alas…
"I forgot, but now that I'm thinking about it, I got an even better one."
"Will it end the war?"
Harry smiled broadly. "No, but we'll laugh our butts off."
Together they went down to the lake to get Hermione's and Luna's help with the plan.
That morning in the great hall…
Hermione had come down with breakfast on her mind, but found Luna already waiting for her at the Gryffindor table. She strolled over to the younger girl, sat beside her and carefully placed the basket she had brought beside her.
"Good morning Luna. You're up early."
The girl in question nodded.
"I knew you would be here and I need to tell you something really important."
"What do you mean, you knew I would be here?"
But Luna waved her comment aside.
"First off, I know you'll say that I'm insane, then you'll tell me that the entire thing is ridiculous, then you'll finally believe me."
Taking a deep breath, Luna launched her explanation.
"I'm a seer, well partial seer, and have foreseen that, for Harry to reach his true potential and to become the highest of Lords, we have to share him."
Luna nodded quickly. "And not only that, we have to share him with a lot of other girls and women!"
"Ridiculous! The entire…" Hermione grew quite. After chewing on her lip for a couple of seconds… "Fuck, I believe you now."
Quickly, she grabbed one of Harry's favorite brownies from the basket and started munching on it.
Luna just continued with her explanation.
"Now this is what we have to do…"
Harry was dragging Neville through another corridor.
"I tell you, the stairs are over there!"
"I know, you keep telling me."
"Then for fuck's sake, tell me why we're going through this god damn corridor!"
"I don't know, I just have the feeling we should be here."
"Yo my Lord."
They had come across Susan Bones, they had recruited her as the third follower. Fourth became Hannah Abbott, as she had been present when they had asked Susan about it. Harry still wondered why Nev had insisted on her. Oh well…
"Hey Susan, you can drop the Lord bit."
"Oh okay Harry. Funny, I just wanted to go looking for you two, do you have something on you? My stash is pretty low, sorry."
"That's okay, at least we know why we're here now."
Harry gestured towards Nev. "Give this loyal follower what she needs. This is an emergency after all."
Nev was meanwhile digging in his book bag. He produced a couple of joints, a blunt and a chocolate bar.
Susan thankfully accepted and agreed to accompany them to the lake.
Arriving at the lake, they were met by a peculiar sight. Hermione was waving at them, but Luna was lip locked with Daphne Greengrass.
After greeting them all, Harry receiving kiss from each of the girls, he asked how Daphne could be here already.
"Well, Luna got me. She told me that she already knew that I was a follower and to follow her here. Then we grew bored for a bit, Luna said you had an emergency to attend to. Well then we smoked a bit of weed and the rest you just saw."
Harry just shrugged. This type of weirdness just happened too often around him, so he didn't care that much. He gave them all a quick teardown of his plan and everyone joined in on the planning.
An hour later, everyone had something to take care of. Susan and Neville would go and capture pigeons. Hermione needed to write a couple of letters and Luna, together with Daphne, would get some snacks from the kitchens.
Harry himself would need to procure a couple of very specific chemicals. As you had no chemists in the wizarding world, he was in need of a potions master.
Harry had entered the Dungeons one more time, but this time it had been intentional. Turning a couple of corridors, he came to a halt in front of a familiar door.
After knocking a couple of times, a tired voice answered him.
"Just a moment, I just have to find my pants."
The door opened a crack and showed the face of a tanned, short haired man.
"Sevvy my friend, how's it hanging!"
Harry pushed right past Severus Snape, who looked very embarrassed.
A memory cube projected the sequence of a nacked redhead taking a skinny dip at a pond. Upon closer inspection Harry noticed the girl was his mother.
"Sevvy, Sevvy, Sevvy...you old pervert. But I have to admit, your taste is impeccable."
"What can I do for you my Lord?"
Severus had been the second to be recruited into his ranks. It had taken some convincing, of course, but with the power of weed, it had been simple. They had then talked long about the shit Sevvy had been given by James and his friends. Plus he then had apologized to Harry, so he was okay in his book.
"No need to use honorifics. I need some chemicals and thought you could help me with this. You said you had a solid grip on muggle sciences. By the way, the tan and haircut have done a world of good for you."
"Thanks. Sure, what do you need?"
Harry handed him a piece of parchment.
"What do you need it for?"
The Potter heir told him.
"Just wait here. But I want a copy of that memory."
Half an hour later, Harry was on his way back to the lake holding two vials in his hand.
He met up with the others and after smoking some weed, casting a couple of imperious curses on a couple of unsuspecting pigeons and smoking even more, their plan was in full motion.