A/N: Crack-Fic! If you'd like to beta this story, you can contact me via PM.
Warning: I do not condone the abuse of drugs and everybody is responsible for him/herself. This is supposed to be a stoner comedy/parody of the Harry Potter universe. If you don't like it, try a different story.
This is a general trigger warning. Chapters might contain slash, sexual misconduct, relations between adults and minors, relations between humans and animals and/or magical creatures, and the list goes on and on and on… anything that could trigger anyone, will possibly happen (or be mentioned) at some point in this story.
You have been warned.
Super Serious Side Scripture: Sorry if the flow of this chapter comes out a bit chunky, but its parts were not written in sequence. Some had a couple of months between them. Also, it's rather short. Hopefully, you still get a kick out of it, even if some parts read like an episode of Family Guy, if you get what I mean...
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine. If it were, I would be rich. I'm not, so screw this.
That afternoon, Hogwarts library…
While Daphne, Hermione, and Luna had had a hard time fitting under the invisibility cloak and walk at the same time, they had finally made their way to the library and past the barrier that separated the public part from the restricted section.
"Just a little further and to the right..." Luna told her companions in a low whisper.
They made the rest of their way without incident and finally stood before a simple doorway, that was hung with a bead curtain.
Hermione raised her eyebrows but kept her voice low.
"This is the restricted portion of the restricted section? I don't know about you guys, but I expected something a little more…"
Daphne concluded her sentence in a whisper. "Impressive, you mean? Yeah, me too."
Pulling on the surrounding fabric, Luna urged them on.
"Come on, let's go inside."
Careful not to move the curtain too much, they slipped through, the beads still generating too much noise for their liking.
Inside, though, Luna threw off the cloak. Moving about as if no one could ever catch them here. To the questioning looks that Hermione and Daphne threw her, she just shrugged.
"No one ever comes here. I've been in here for hours on end, days even, and nobody came by. It's almost like no one knows this section is even here."
The room was small. While the rest of Hogwarts was lit by floating candles, this little room seemed almost futuristic in comparison. There were, what appeared to be, gas lamps on the walls. They spread a somewhat reddish-orange glow over the bookshelves that were filled over and over with books, artifacts, and pictures, but mostly books.
Curious, as was her nature, Hermione picked up a picture from the closest shelf. Gasping loudly, her face quickly turned into a beetroot. The young couple in the picture was doing a… special brand of gymnastics. Turning the picture in her hand, Hermione was still busy figuring out the logistics of what went into where, when Luna took it from her.
"Magical Kama Sutra, there are a couple of versions in this room. The entire room is about sex, magical sex at that. That's the reason it's restricted, well age-restricted anyway."
She made a sweeping arm gesture.
"Books, photographs, toy...ehm...artifacts, and even memories. All in this room, and it's all about doing the deed."
Daphne was flabbergasted. "How did you find this place?"
Shrugging in response, Luna turned to one of the Bookshelves before she answered.
"I found it one night while I was locked out from Ravenclaw. I have spent a couple of nights here since. I looked at pictures, read a couple of books, watched a memory or two, and even tried some toy...ehm...artifacts."
Luna frowned at the Freudian Slip that was trying to trick her again.
"This is what you were looking for, the true forbidden knowledge of the wizarding world. Forget dark magic, there aren't even laws in place forbidding the possession or even purchase of tomes that detail the darkest of the dark. But try as you like, no shop, neither in Diagon nor in Knockturn Alley, sell you anything to do with sex. Believe me, I've tried."
She picked one of the books and held it out to her fellow witches. The title read 'magical techniques for coitus' by Glenda 'The Succubus of Sussex' Gladburn.
This book, along with many others, quickly disappeared into the enchanted bags the girls had brought. It took them the better part of an hour to take every book that sparked their interest, then they silently made their way back to the Head boy dorm.
That evening, Edge of the forbidden forest…
As Harry stepped into his pants, he still had a faint glow about him. His afternoon adventure had multiplied his magical power levels beyond comprehension. It seemed that virgin centaur females, combined with the ritual they had done, caused some kind of magical short circuit.
They had caused a magical feedback loop that kept on charging Harry until he had discharged. And while Lydia only got a fraction of the circulating power (still it made her extremely powerful), Harry's levels had kept on multiplying.
After their third or fourth round (no SFX, but still fun), she had led him into the encampment of the female centaurs. She had certainly informed their leader of what had happened, as he was suddenly surrounded by young centaur girls that wanted to pledge themselves to Harry. He had rejected a couple he deemed too young (way too young to even be in heat) but had taken on a dozen or so of the older girls.
Each release from him was accompanied by a tidal wave of magic that washed over the grounds. That had the male centaurs rushing the camp, thinking it was attacked, but they only found a boy (colt they said) doing their daughters and promised mates.
Feeling the power emanating from the young human, they didn't think it wise to attack him, and so joined his ranks as the high Lord. If you can't beat him, join him.
Whistling an upbeat tune, Harry made his way up to the castle with a spring in his step, munching on the odd treat along the way. Damn, it was nice being the Lord.
That night, outside Hogwarts Head boy suite…
Harry had just made his way up the stairs to the seventh floor when he came across one tired, but happy, Neville Longbottom.
"Hey Nev, you wouldn't believe what happened to me, dude." Harry told his friend.
"Neither would you. Those Hogwarts girls are a horny bunch, especially with some weed in the mix. That, thanks to you, most of them had their cherry popped, doesn't seem to help. I'm completely spent."
The-Lord-formerly-known-as-the-boy-who-lived had the decency to blush. Well, a little. "Do tell."
"Well, first I met Padma in the library, she asked if I would help her study herbology. A brownie later, and she went to town under the table. I wouldn't have remembered a single plant, even if she could have asked me."
Following Harry up to the Head boy/girl common area, Neville continued.
"Next I came across Parvati and Lavender." He mulled over the sentence for a moment, considering rephrasing, but it was ultimately correct. "But first they Tag-Teamed me."
The boys took a seat in two of the lush chairs that populated the room.
"I know, I know, that two girls at once… it should sound like a dream come true for most guys, but honestly, how is one guy to keep up with two of them?"
Neville held up his hands to stave off any objections.
"I'm of course well aware of your sexual prowess, Harry, but I'm talking regular guys."
Harry just shrugged, it was true after all. After a deep breath, the other boy continued.
"Next was Hannah Abbott, she cornered me in the kitchen, that girl sure knows how to gorge herself. Didn't think I would leave there in one piece…"
He had said the last part quietly, almost too quiet to hear.
"Anyway, we had a pretty large elven audience, most of which were either applauding as we finished or had started some, mostly individual, action themselves. I'll never look at a house-elf the same ever again."
Pausing for a moment, Neville wondered aloud.
"Would an elven audience be considered public? Would that mean that house-elves are voyeuristic in nature? Do they spy on their masters? Is human sex house-elf porn?"
Shaking his head, he continued.
"Doesn't matter, next came Susan…" Once again he thought of rephrasing that sentence, but the truth was the truth no matter what. "...who intercepted me in the corridor on her way to the library."
Neville took a sip of water from a glass that had appeared on the table, albeit hesitantly.
"She was a bit short on time but came prepared. She had an empty classroom and took me in through the backdoor, bent over the teacher's desk. I didn't even last five minutes, but neither did she."
Sighing, Neville took another sip.
"I could tell a couple more of these, but they'd all end the same anyways. So you said something happened to you? Do tell."
And so Harry launched into his tale of the afternoon he had spent in the forest, and that their following now included all the centaurs as well.
That night, Head boy suite…
"DAMN Harry, I know that neither of us will have you for herself, but did you have to bang all the centaurs?"
Hermione was flabbergasted after hearing of Harry's fun forest. Only he could enter a foreboding, forbidden, life-threatening forest and not only get his rocks off, no, he also left the damn forest being three times as powerful as when he had entered it.
"I didn't bang all of them, only a dozen or so…"
Harry had to admit, his defense sounded weak, even to him. Luckily for him, a lit blunt was shoved into the brunet's hand, and soon she was sporting a big grin.
"You know it's okay, but next time I wanna watch."
"Me too!" Daphne and Luna chorused to either side of Hermione. Luna then produced two things from the nightstand. A picture and a vial of potion. She shoved the picture into Harry's hand, who noticed that it was a magical photo. A man and a woman of similar heritage to the Patil twins were intimately entwined on it. Harry couldn't see where one body ended and the other began.
Luna in the meantime had downed the potion. She marveled at the dual effect of it. It alleviated her soreness instantly, while also moisturizing very specific folds of skin.
Looking back up, Harry saw Luna getting rid of the shirt and thong she had been wearing.
"Okay, but you have to explain the logistics to me first." Laughing, Harry waved the picture about, while using wandless magic to undress. Luna and Hermione looked at each other and shrugged, if you can't beat them, join them.
That night, somewhere in Britain…
Lucius Malfoy wasn't having the best of days. His wife had filed for a divorce, and he had possibly defiled their master. Or their master had possibly defiled him? He wasn't sure what kind of logic could be applied here.
If it had happened at all. He was still hoping that the offending photograph was a fake. A good one, he would admit that, but it had to be a fake. It had to be.
Taking a deep breath, he entered the current hideout of their master, glad that Wormtail had given it to him. He only had to torture him a little.
Walking along the decrepit corridors, Lucius had to wonder. Why would their Lord prefer this dump to their beautiful manor?
Finally, he entered the room that contained his master on his customary throne. Lucius was still clutching the poster-sized paper that Narcissa had placed before him, with the paperwork of the Black family lawyer on top.
He was nervous about the conversation he was about to have. And afraid of the answer to his questions.
The next morning found Harry at the Gryffindor table, trying his damnedest to make sense of this mess of a timetable. That he was high as a kite while trying to do so, didn't help in the slightest.
Watching him turn the offending parchment over in his hand for the up tenth time, Hermione finally tore it from his hand.
"Charms, Harry, you got charms first. Maybe you shouldn't smoke before class."
A bit of her usual, quite bossy, nature shone through.
"Maybe they should've just written that then…" he moved his finger over the imaginary text. "Harry Potter, Monday, Charms, don't smoke weed first thing in the morning."
Seeing Hermione being exasperated, Luna and Daphne(who were also at their table) snickering, Neville jumped to Harry's rescue.
"Chill, Hermione, knowing Harry, he will be at his normal functioning level by the time class starts. I'll make sure his Lordship gets there in time."
Harry in the meantime had recognized him. "Nevy, Nevy ma man. The fuck you putting in that shit, dude? Every batch you give me is just more potent than the one before. Look at me man, I'm completely blown, an' I only had a little, little…"
Here he lost himself in the gap between his fingers he had held up to symbolize just how little he had consumed that morning.
Luna, still snickering, had other things to say about Neville's newest harvest.
"I've been testing the batch of Lollipops you've given me…"
Head on the table, Harry gave a strangled groan at the thought.
"... but I still think they're lacking in potency." She concluded.
Attacking another of the treats, she left every boy in direct line of sight with a serious problem. It was even more serious if his girlfriend was close by. Despite that, and none of the girls would admit it, they too had to fight down a wave of heat while watching Luna suck on her candy.
Some boys left the room, walking at a weird bent-over angle, unable to take it anymore.
Up till the first period started, free stalls were a rarity in Gryffindor and Hufflepuff boys' restrooms. Or the rest of the non-house restrooms for that matter. Some even had queues build up. Everyone wanting to get rid of the pressure "their Breakfast" had put them under. In some cases, boys and girls met in secluded places, deciding to help each other release some tension or even get rid of it together. If you can't beat it, you must join it.
Entering the Charms classroom, Neville had to admit that he had only been half right. Harry had considerably calmed down. He still was too high to be serious, though. Deciding that it was Monday and that if you can't beat him, you must join him, Neville had dug a brownie from his pocket and began munching on it, while the class was waiting on Professor Flitwick.
Luckily for them, the tiny Professor had thought to start the term a bit less serious. Thinking about the ongoing war, he had figured that all the students could use a good laugh. He'd dug out the old joke book he'd never even looked at before. A prank gift from a colleague that had gotten it from the muggle world.
Flitwick spent the hour telling bad jokes badly. Fumbling around with unfamiliar words and botching most punchlines. Still, two students thought that his performance was the height of hilarity. Harry and Neville were in tears they were laughing so hard and as the class ended, they each got ten points for Gryffindor, for having great humor even in the direst of times.
Things had gotten decidedly better as they entered the Potions Classroom. The marked improvement was Neville's accomplishment, however, as he snatched every treat from his Lord's hand before he could sneak them into his mouth.
To Harry's never-ending surprise, it was not Snape that entered the classroom. Not that he would have been aware of the fact, that he never would have gotten into Potions if old Sevvie was still teaching the subject. Asking Neville about it, got him an exasperated sigh.
"That's Professor Slughorn, he's taken over the potions class from Snape, who now teaches defense. Dumbledore explained it at the feast."
However, the only thing that connected in Harry's mind was...
"Haha, Dumb-adore…" To which he had a hard time fighting down a gale of laughter that was threatening to spill.
The rest of the lesson went down quite well, considering that Neville and a stoned out of his mind Harry had to work together. While Neville was a genius at Herbology, he used to be pants at potions. However, in their OWLs, he did well enough to get into the NEWT level class.
He didn't want Harry to prepare ingredients, simply too afraid that Harry would accidentally take off a finger or two with the razor-sharp potions knife. So Neville was under quite some pressure, preparing and brewing at the same time, and their potion soon turned an off-color and started to bubble and hiss.
It was at this most inopportune of moments, that Harry once more dug the crumbliest of crumbly treats from one of his many, enlarged pockets. Neville, reflexively, tried to snatch it from him, only to accidentally drop it into the cauldron.
From many years of experience with botched potions, Neville instinctively crouched down, covered his head with his arms, and waited for the explosion...that never came.
Instead, as he came back up, he noticed Slughorn at their cauldron, running some sort of analytical spell on it.
"Remarkable, truly remarkable, I was certain the potion would be too far gone, and that explosion would be inevitable at this point. But to stabilize it with egg, sugar, and cocoa is ingenious and the dried hemp that you added managed to cure the potion faster than usual. Not only did you save the potion, but you also improved upon it. Remarkable."
Flabbergasted, the Professor returned to his desk and made a couple of notes in one of his books.
Harry turned to Neville with a quizzical expression.
"What did I do?"
"Apparently, …" Neville scoffed. "... every time you're intoxicated as fuck, you turn into a potions' prodigy."
Becoming serious for a moment, Harry mused.
"You know, it must have been all those girls from Slytherin. It seems the ritual not only makes me more powerful but also transfers experience and knowledge. But it seems that I can only access this knowledge if my top-level conscience is suppressed by copious amounts of drugs."
His first in command and gardener extraordinaire looked taken aback.
"Harry, not to insult you, but for you, that was a surprisingly deep and analytical answer."
The lord in question had the decency to look somewhat sheepish.
"Well, I did a couple of pretty intelligent first-timers. Our dear Hermione was first and foremost."
Shaking his head, Neville had another idea.
"Maybe you should try and learn meditation. Maybe you can access these things anytime."
Once again, Harry shocked him.
"I already know how to meditate. Luna and Padma were deflorated by me as well."
"Now you're going to tell me, that you know how to back Susan's special pie."
Harry just shrugged.
"I primae nocted her too, so probably."
Left shaking his Head, Neville opened his mouth to answer. That was when he notices all the looks they were getting.
All the girls in the room were pretty much uninterested, already knowing of Harry's sexual prowess by their own first-hand experience. The Gryffindor boys were also informed, as they were firmly in Harry's camp. Well, except for Ron, who was oblivious as always. Though he did look a bit pale these days.
It was mostly the Slytherin males that had listened attentively. There had been rumors going around that Harry Potter had taken the virginity of half of the Hogwarts girls, and that the other half still had their hymen, only because they were too young. In their eyes, what they overheard only proved these rumors right.
To them, slowly, Potter was becoming the biggest stud of their generation, and a real alternative to the… somewhat… differently… oriented Dark Lord and the senile Light Lord Dumbledore. They had heard that some close people to Potter called him their high Lord, and in the minds of the aristocratically raised Slytherins, this sounded like a title they could get behind.
That he was also shaping up to be the strongest magic-user in the last 150 generations, only cemented his image as the future leader of the wizarding world. That, and that he was the one guy you needed to know to get weed in Hogwarts.
Only Malfoy was stupid or ignorant enough to still openly support the dark lord, especially after the recent picture shower over London. Though, since his father was intimately connected to the situation, it was probable that no one had told him.