Chapter Juan—Starry Nights, PCP, and Hulk Hogan
Our legendary story starts off in the ghettos of Hogwarts Land, and one glorious evening, when the moon was full and the stars were gleaming, Sir Hairy Potthead the 69th was walkn' to Snape's crib to give him a BJ. But suddenly, Hermione stopped his bitch ass!
"FFS Hairy, YOU WURR 'SPOSED TO MEET ME AT THE STRIP CLUB 3 MOTHER FUCKING HOURS AGO!" She shouted at him, absolutely PISSED.
Hairy, of course, was high as fuck on PCP, so he lost his SHIT.
"HOLY JESUS IN A PINK GLITTERY SPEEDO POLE DANCING TO BEYONCÉ IN A DUMPSTER IN LAS VEGAS, HERMIONE!" He screamed at the top of his fucking lungs. So loud, in fact, Hermione's ears literally started fucking BLEEDING.
She ignored this, though, as Hairy went on.
"HERMIONE, I am a strong, independent WOMYN. I DON'T HAVE TO SUCCUMB TO YOUR DAINTY NEEDS! MY GOD U R BEING SO FUCKING SEXIST RIGHT NOW, HOW CAN YOU EVEN LIVE WITH T YOSELF, I MEAN CAN SOMEONE TELL ME THIS PLEASE OR AM I JUST LEFT TO WONDER IN A STATE OF AWE AND CONFUSION?!" He screams out like a fucking banshee. Hermione just stood there looking SO FUCKING DONE WITH HIS SHIT.
Suddenly, without any fucking warning, Hairy's junkie ass takes off running straight at the nearest building and fUCKING SMASHES HIS BITCH ASS STRAIGHT THROUGH A GOD DAMN BRICK WALL, WITHOUT EVEN FUCKING FLINCHING. Hell, he didn't even black out or nuthin', he just burst right through like the FUCKING KOOLAID MAN.
Directly after this drug induced- feat, Hairy just stood there staring at Hermione's tits and drooling like a TARD, with brick fragments and drywall shit falling off his shoulders.
"Well fuck me in the ass with a broom and call me Donna..." Hermione said, absolutely SHOOKETH. "Hairy, you need some FUCKING JESUS!"
Hairy, of course, didn't respond, for he was now hallucinating that Hulk Hogan was stripping on a pole to Nicki Minaj's Anaconda right in front of him, and that he was now in the land of OZ.
But his silence said a thousand words, which, of course, PISSED HERMIONE OFF TO NO END.
"Well fine, JUST FUCKING FINE THEN HOLOCAUST, OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR NAME IS!" Hermione then shouted with pure rage. "YOU CAN JUST SIT HERE AND ROT FOR ALL I CARE, IF YOU NEED MY ASS, I'LL BE IN WENDY'S!" She finished.
And so, Hermione stomped off toward the nearest Mcdonald's, which-ground shattering plot twist- WAS ACTUALLY THE BUILDING HAIRY BASHED HIMSELF THROUGH, and took a two hour shit while posting to her Tumblr about her drug addicted BFF (obviously fucking Hairy) for her 12 "legit" followers to hear about.
Meanwhile, Hairy was still just standing there like a tard. Since we last saw him (literally 15 fucking seconds ago) , he had since pissed his God damn pants and was now hallucinating that Justin Bieber was trying to fucking moLEST HIM.
Will Hermione ever get more than 12 followers on her feminazi Tumblr account? Will Sir Hairy Potthead the 69th finally go to rehab, quit his many, MANY drug addictions and start acting like a normal person? But most of all, will Hairy and Hermione fall in love and have sooper hawt babies like the clickbait title to this fanfic implies?
You'll probably find out nothing when we return!