Take me to the rooftop
I wanna see the world when I stop breathing
Santana wiped her eyes for the twentieth time as she drove to the spot where she is going to die. She was unsure of how she managed to get there without crashing. Scrap that. She did know. She was determined not to crash and die there. She wanted to die right. In the place where she truly felt alive. Watching the world around her, feeling the power of being above everyone else. It's quite ironic how that power ruined her. She stumbled through the trees sobbing until she reached the clearing that overlooks Lima. She fell to her knees and screamed out loud, letting every single feeling she has ever felt out. She looked out to the world below her and let out another pain-filled scream. This is what it's going to look like when she's up in heaven. If she even makes it there after the sin she's about to commit.
Tell me love is endless
Don't be so pretentious
Leave me, like you do
Brittany. Brittany left her for Artie. She has to see it every day, constantly shoved into her face, reminding her of what she doesn't have. Brittany has been the only person she's ever loved. Brittany made her happy. Brittany was her everything, but now she has nothing. Her life is crumbling before her. She deserved the guilt and heartbreak the rejection had brought her. She felt the sting of the words in her heart when Brittany chose Artie. But she understood and knew deep down she deserved it. She treated Brittany like shit. She was angry, manipulative, nasty, rude, cowardly, ashamed and selfish. She took Brittany to hell and back, now she's getting the same treatment. The only difference is she deserved every single thing but Brittany... Brittany never deserved that.
If you need me, wanna see me
Better hurry 'cause I'm leaving soon
Santana's been gone for a few hours now. She left school early because Brittany and Artie had sung a duet together in glee. She hadn't checked her phone because she knew no one would've texted her to see if she's okay. She just doesn't want to make the loneliness real. She wants to believe that someone cares about her. But she doesn't blame them for not caring. Why would they? All Santana has ever done is tear them down day after day and for what reason? She's a coward and angry at herself? Rachel's right. All she's good for is stripping on a pole, but she would rather no life than that life. The only person that has ever truly cared about her was Brittany. But her selfish ways have made her lose the only good thing in her life. She was like her ray of light, guiding her to the right path, but when they reached the cliff edge of true happiness, she was too scared to take the plunge, making Brittany fly back up into the sky and out of her life. She regrets it every day but she can't do anything. What's done is done and all she can do is accept that.
Sorry can't save me now
Sorry I don't know how
She's in too deep. Nothing she does will be able to compensate for the years of hurt and pain she's inflicted on others. Believe her when she said she wanted to change because she truly did. She just didn't know how. She stood in front of her mirror every single morning telling herself how she would be nice to everyone, but she couldn't do it. She didn't know why or how it was impossible for her but maybe it was a good thing. At least when she dies everyone would hate her too much to care. Who's she kidding? They wouldn't have cared either way. She deserved this. She brought it all upon herself. She's useless and worthless, and no one needs her. But she needs everyone else.
Sorry there's no way out
But down (Sorry)
She's suffocating every day. Forcing herself to breathe and it's a losing battle. Every day feels like war and she's just tired of fighting. She's stuck, not moving forward, not even moving backward. She may be called weak for holding up the white flag and surrendering, hell she even thinks she's weak. That's the only way she's ever going to win the fight against herself. She's drowning gasping for air. slowly sinking into the bottomless pit of pain. She wants to break free of the anchor pulling her down and float upwards, like an angel.
Taste me, these salty tears on my cheek
That's what a year-long headache
Does to you
Her sadness causes her physical pain. She hasn't stopped crying since she left school. Every time she's been on her own for the past few weeks, she's cried. She's been planning this for a while. She's not crying because she's sad to leave the earth. She's crying because she can't take it. She's mad at herself for coming to her final option. She's sad that she won't get to have a family, but at the same time she isn't. The only person she wants a family with is Brittany, that's not going to happen; she buried her feelings about the future, knowing it was Brittany or nothing. She's come to terms with that. She can't wait for all the crying to stop. She can't wait for all the restless nights to stop. She can't wait for all the pain to stop.
I'm not okay, I feel so scattered
Don't say I'm all that matters
Leave me, déjà vu
Her emotions and thoughts were all over the place. She's felt too many things at once. She knew she wasn't okay. She even made an appointment with Miss Pillsbury at school. She was very vague when she spoke to her. She told her that she wasn't okay and that she felt unloved. She got an earful of that it-gets-better crap and 'everyone loves you, you matter!'. That's when she made up her mind. She faked her way through the rest of the appointment, which of course the ginger believed, Miss Pillsbury was proud that she had gotten through to the Latina and made her feel better.
If you need me, wanna see me
You better hurry, I'm leaving soon
She doesn't want her body to be left in the woods for raccoons to feed off of her. But she doesn't want to tell anyone where she is. Then again, a few of the people that didn't hate her deserved some kind of goodbye.
Sighing, she picked up her phone and unlocked it, after numerous failed attempts due to the tears clouding her vision. And she surprisingly had missed calls and texts from the glee club. She scrolled through her messages to see what they said.
San? R u okay? U looked sad in glee. Im gonna try and find u. I love u.-Britt-Britt xo
I checked around the school but I couldnt see u anywhere. Where are u? Britt-Britt xo
Did u go home? I asked the glee club and no1 has seen u in class. Please txt me. Britt-Britt xo
Greetings Santana! A very distraught Brittany has come to me in search of you. I think you should inform her where you are.- Rachel Berry
yo lopez! where you at?- puck
britts upset. tell her where u r.- puck
Rachel told me to ask u where u r. um where r u?- Finn
Snatan, r u okay? Britt wants to knwo whre u r. I do too. I'm woried abot u.- Sam
Hey Santana. Brittany's worried about where you are? I haven't seen you all day, are you okay?- Q x
Please just call someone and let them know where you are. Everyone's worried.- Q x
Mr. Schue's calling your parents because we're all worried about you. We wanted to make sure you're home safe.- Q x
Santanita, where are you Mija? The school rang home and you left. We're worried please call me.- Papi.
Santana answer your phone.- Papi
Your father told me that you're not in school and no one can reach you. Please call someone so we know you're safe.- Mami x
Do people care about her? No, of course not. They're just doing this for Britt. She goes through her contact list unsure who to call. She doesn't even know what she's expecting. Does she want someone to convince her not to do it? Will they even care? She just doesn't know. She finally decided who to call. The phone barely rang once before it was picked up.
"Santana are you okay?" Quinn asked frantically through the phone. Santana didn't respond, she physically can't. Not with the body-racking sobs, she was letting out. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
She finally managed to croak something out. "Y-Yeah." She tried to control her tears but it wasn't going to happen. "S-Sorry I-I was just feeling a b-bit overwhelmed." She hoped that it was convincing enough.
"Is this about Brittany and Artie?" Quinn asked hesitantly. She knew about their relationship. She has for ages, but she wanted Santana to tell her when she's ready. She let that fly out of the window, knowing Santana needed her now.
Santana had already given up fighting, the least she could do is be honest. "Y-Yeah it is." She bit her lip to stop herself from crying even more. "Quinn." She paused, working up the courage to finally tell someone the truth about her. "I'm gay."
"I know." She said sweetly. She was proud that Santana had finally told her. "It doesn't matter to me San. I love you just the same."
After hearing that someone loves her she felt a pang of guilt run through her body for what she's about to do.
"I love you too." Santana felt another flood of tears run down her cheek.
"Where are you? You're driving your parents insane." Quinn said, trying to get Santana to speak to her, so she knows she's safe and sound.
"I'm just driving around, trying to clear my head." She lied. She felt guilty for lying, so she adds a bit of truth into the sentence. "I'll be gone in a few hours."
Quinn assumed that meant she was coming home in a few hours so she didn't question it. "Okay well, I'll let them know you're safe."
"O-Okay." Santana tears didn't stop coming out. Her parents. What the hell was she going to say to them? She brushed that away for the moment.
Sorry can't save me now (Sorry)
Sorry I don't know how (Sorry)
These were going to be her last words to Quinn so she wanted to get everything off her chest. "Quinn, I'm sorry."
"What are you sorry for?" She asked, slightly concerned.
"For being such a bitch to you." She clarified. "I'm sorry for every mean thing I've ever said about you, I'm sorry for not being nice to you, I'm sorry for not being there for you last year, I'm sorry for being such a shit friend, I'm sorry for everything. I'm fucking sorry." She sobbed loudly into the phone.
"Santana I forgive you," Quinn said honestly. "I'm proud of you tonight. You've been honest about your feelings. I love you."
"I love you too." She cried even harder, knowing that her final conversation with Quinn was coming to an end. "I-I um- I have to go now, in case I crash."
"Yeah of course. Drive safely S."
"I will." She choked out. "Goodbye Quinn, I'll see you again at some point."
She heard Quinn chuckle down the phone. "Yes. Goodbye." She hung up the phone. 1 down, two to go then her life is officially over.
Sorry there's no way out
But down (Sorry)
She looked at her phone and saw that it was time for it to start. She reached into the pocket of her hoodie and pulled out numerous pill bottles that she stole off of her father. She poured a few into her hand and swallowed them. She decided to get comfortable on the blanket she had set down. She looked down to Lima, the miserable town where she spent her miserable life, and just watched the homely place. Her eyes wander to a small playground that she can just about make out. It was the playground where she met Brittany. That was one of the happiest days of her life. She went home that day with her mother and would not shut up the whole drive home. She just constantly talked about the new girl she had met, and how she was her new best friend. Santana smiled at herself remembering the day.
Call my friends and tell them that I love them
And I'll miss them
But I'm not sorry
It was time for the phone call she had been avoiding. Brittany. She had so much she wanted to say to the girl, but she had so little time. She knew this would break Brittany's heart but she had no choice. She wanted to be honest with Brittany because her not being honest was what ruined their chances of being together. She hovered above Brittany's name before finally pressing it.
"San? Where have you been? Are you okay?" Santana heard the sadness in her voice and knew she had been crying. It was all her fault. Why does she always have to make Brittany cry?
"No." She sobbed into the phone. "I'm not okay." She tried to calm herself down so she could explain everything to Brittany. "Brittany, I-I'm so sorry. I love you so much and I'm sorry that I didn't show it." More tears covered her already soaked cheeks. "Don't blame yourself, Brittany. It's not your fault. Promise me you won't think it's your fault."
"I-I promise San but I'm really confused." Santana practically heard her pout through the phone. "What isn't my fault?"
"Brittany I love you but it's- it's too much to handle. I can't take it anymore." She cried into the phone. "I'm sorry about everything but I'm not sorry for loving you. Remember that." She reached for the bottle of whiskey next to her a took a long sip. "I'm sorry for giving up, but I can't fight myself anymore. I'll miss you Britt-Britt."
"Santana! No, don't give up! Please!" Brittany was weeping into her phone. "P-Please don't do this! Tell me where you are. Santana don't you dare leave me!"
Santana's heart hurt even more hearing Brittany's cries. "I'm sorry Britt. I'm sorry for being too afraid, I'm sorry for when I called you stupid, I'm sorry for being a bitch, I'm sorry for making you feel guilty, I'm sorry for manipulating you. You deserve to be happy with Artie. He's the right choice for you. But all of this doesn't change how I feel about you. I love you."
"No, Santana! Just s-stay on the phone and tell me where you are. I'll c-come get you. I love you too much, I-I can't live without you." Santana heard a jingle on the other line, assuming Brittany's getting her car keys. "I don't love Artie. I only love you. I've only ever loved you, I just liked the idea of being able to show affection in public, but I broke up with him after you left glee practice. I'm sorry for forcing you, Santana."
"Remember it's not your fault." Santana got ready to do the hard thing of ending the phone call. "I've only ever loved you too. Forever and always."
"Santana, do not hang u-" She was cut off when Santana hung up the phone.
Santana dropped her head to her hands, ignoring her phone ringing. She attempted to wipe the tears away again and poured a few more pills into her hand, taking them with a swig of whiskey. Brittany didn't love Artie. Brittany loved Santana. Brittany broke up with Artie and wanted to be with her. She's just too damn scared. Brittany doesn't deserve someone too scared to walk down a hallway holding her hand. Santana was just so pathetic.
Call my friends and tell them that I love them
And I'll miss them
She picked her head up when she heard a different ringtone. It was her dad's number. She knew she had to get this over with, especially now that she could feel the effects of the alcohol and pills she had taken. She pressed the answer button and held the phone to her ear.
"Mija, where are you? Please don't do anything stupid." He pleaded with a thickness in his throat. "Mami and I love you. Please just come home." She assumed Brittany must've called them and told them.
"You won't love me when you find out the real me." It's now or never. It was always her parent's opinion that mattered the most to her. She constantly sought their approval. So she was most scared of telling them she was gay. Their opinions won't matter soon. She took a few more pills along with the whiskey and felt herself relax slightly.
"Yes, we will. We will always love you no matter what Santana." She heard her mother crying in the background. She always brings pain to anyone close to her.
"I'm gay." She whispered into the phone. Those two words could've changed everything if she hadn't of already made up her mind. She didn't even care for what their reactions would be.
"We know." He said into the phone. Even though his voice was full of tears she could hear a smile. "We've suspected it since you were younger, but we wanted you to tell us in your own time." He explained. "Straight or gay doesn't change anything Santanita." She heard rustling on the other end of the phone call. "Brittany's here with us now and she loves you very much. Please just come home, Santana."
"I can't." She slurs. She felt the numbness slowly creeping up, she knew it wouldn't be very long until she felt nothing at all.
Maribel let out a heart-wrenching sob, which makes Santana let out a new load of tears. "Tell us where you are Mija!" Maribel cried.
"I'm- I'm at the...the clearing." She said very weakly. She looked up one last time to see the world she was about to leave. She sighed happily lying down and closed her eyes.
"We're almost there. Brittany tracked your phone but we needed to make sure." Antonio said as he sped the car towards the spot overlooking the town. He knew where it was because he was the one that showed Santana it when she was younger. "Can you keep talking to us?"
Santana groaned. "No. Mm sleepy." She mumbled. Feeling herself fall further and further into nothingness.
"Try to stay awake a little bit longer San please. For me?" Santana's eyes shot open, hearing the voice of the girl she loved.
She replayed the whole night in her head. All of her earlier doubts and worries were disappearing. Her friends were worried about her. Brittany didn't want to be with Artie, she wanted to be with her. Her parents knew she was gay and loved her just the same. Possibly even more. She realized she made a terrible mistake. The people around her loved her and cared for her. After telling her parents she was gay, she didn't care what anyone else thought. She was brave and she was strong, yet she had done this cowardly thing. She needed to fight and prove that she was better than this.
"Santana!" She let the tears roll down her face as she felt her father cradle her in his arms. He kissed the top of her head over and over again. "You're okay Mija."
Brittany and Maribel soon joined them on the floor and started sobbing. Maribel gripped onto her hand as if she would die if she let go. Antonio moved Santana so that she was lying in both Brittany's and his lap. Santana hazily looked up at everyone. She had been so selfish that she didn't even think that killing herself would hurt other people. Santana started panicking at what she had done. She didn't want to die but she was currently dying. She was slowly floating away and for a split second, she felt absolute nothingness, just like she had hoped. But she didn't want that.
Maribel sensed her anxiety and tried to ease her. She brushed the hair out of her daughter's face. "It's going to be okay. The ambulance is almost here."
"You hear that San? You're going to be okay." Brittany cried, kissing her forehead.
"I'm sorry." She choked out as the paramedics arrived and rolled her away on the stretcher.
The paramedic looked at Antonio, Maribel, and Brittany. He smiled at them. "She's going to be okay."
And that was the truth. She was going to be okay. She was surrounded by people who loved her, she was finally fully out of the closet with Brittany, she even got the help she needed. She had a realization that night. You may think the world is ending and ignore all the signs that could suggest you're loved. But if you take that last bit of energy and read into a situation. There's always someone that loves you out there.