AN: Hello everybody, so I'm still on break doing my finals as well as getting ready for a trip to New Orleans. But a friend of mine convinced me to do this little April fools gag for y'all. We both wrote a different RWBY story and sent it to each other. Go check out what I wrote at his channel Crimson Weresloth. Now Enjoy!
I own nothing neither does Weresloth
A black and white title shows on the screen with the words "RWBY Noir Presents", before changing to three red blocks written in white "Ten Little Noirs". It rips to show the Wombag1786 Studio building, showing that it's night, before shifting to the commons room. The room has a kitchen and three tables away from it. Yang is seen playing with a guitar, Ren at some kind of fridge, Nora sitting on a chair talking to Oscar, Ruby and Crimson talking, Weiss is seen walking to the island. A banner shows the words. "First RWBY Noir Banquet". Yang is noticeably enthralled with her playing, as she swings her head to the notes.
It then cuts to Blake getting her ears scratched by Jaune. "Yeah, thanks for helping me out with this. Y'know, cat ears aren't all sunshine and roses."
"Well, y'know, it does look cute, I gotta say." Jaune removes his hand to pull away, Blake smiles at hearing that, though trying to keep a blush from showing.
Crimson and Ruby seated across from each other at the middle table, each has a half-full glass in front of them. Crimson looks nervous as he speaks. "Can we talk about this later?"
Ruby not giving up brings forth some papers.
"Later when? Like after you die and you leave me with..." Ruby looks at the paper before reading it out loud. "Tai isn't my real father?"
Crimson is more nervous and tries to bring some form of reason to their conversion. "Listen, there is a lot to go over, and I honestly can't tell you more at this moment."
Ruby sighs in defeat. "At least you'll let me still have a mom."
Ren is seen pouring himself a tall champagne glass of beer, before the sounds of stumbling and a glass breaking as Oscar recovers.
"Oscar. You are aware this is a formal party, correct?" Ren said in an inquisitive look.
Oscar is wearing a similar outfit as Ozpin. "Yeah, that's why I wore heels."
"Dagon-damn it, Oscar, you pulled the same thing at my birthday, you were tripping all over the place with those stupid heels on." Ren complained.
"I like them, they make me feel tall." Oscar said with his head lowered.
An eye patch Nora seated at a table with a large picture of R'lyeh. She takes a seat to Wombag's left. A glass of beer is already sitting on an empty seat. The two acknowledge each other before a second Nora with no eye patch enters his right, greeting him.
Wombag does double take before cursing and calling out to Weiss. "Weiss, I thought we agreed no plus-ones." Mumbling the last bit. "I would have brought C."
"Nora! I told you no plus-ones." Weiss said in an annoyed tone.
The eye patch Nora turns to Weiss. "Do clones count as plus-ones?"
"We could compromise, say they're three fifths of a person, maybe?" Ruby tried to reason.
"Great, solid racism. Nora, stop bringing one and one-fifths more people to this party than you're supposed to." Weiss commanded, after gaining an apology from the two Valkyries she whispers to herself. "I swear sometimes I could just murder you all."
Crimson walks up the two steps that lead to the kitchen before clearing his throat. Ren notices and picks up both his glass and the extra. "Oh, speech!" He hands the extra to Crimson. "Here you go, have a good speech." He said as they clink glasses and return to his seat.
"Maestro?" Crimson calls out but the blonde continues to play.
Weiss not going to the blonde's behavior curse out. "Yig-damnit, Yang, that means stop!" Yang stops playing and flips an extended bird to Weiss as returns to her seat.
Crimson smiles as he patiently before speaking. "I have a special announcement. If everyone would please look under their seats, you'll all find an envelope." All look under their seats; there is an envelope for each Nora too.
"Ohh, Wombag, are we getting bonuses?" Asked an excited Yang.
As Wombag turns the envelope he laughs as he turns her down, but it soon dies after seeing what's inside. It shows a picture of Dismas frozen in ice with the caption, 'Your future has come back to haunt you, Wombag'. He looks up to Crimson with a confused tone. "Crimson, what the hell is this?"
Crimson points at everyone with a smug look. "That's right: look upon your sins." As he says this, Ren looks horrified as his shows a picture of a chicken leg size Ren stabbed with a fork and the caption 'Watch out for Baby, Ren!'. While Blake looks ashamed as her shows beaten Sun and the caption 'The point we just can't take… any more. Right, Blake?'
Oscar looks confused before saying. "Uhh, this is actually just a picture of dicks."
"Ohh, that's where that went!" Yang said as she took the picture from Oscar.
Crimson's eyes widen in realization as he pulls out an envelope. "Shit, I knew I had one extra." After handing Oscar a new envelope, he returns to the stage. "You've all got blood on your hands, and now you're all going to pay."
Weiss sees Winter in a hole in a straitjacket, captioned 'Your secrets won't stay underground anymore, Weiss'. Velvet lay on a black leather couch wide-eye, with the caption 'No-one likes a know-it-all, do they Nora?' Pyrrha with her head hanging back, 'A top 5 way to die, by Ruby!' Junior laying on his bar table holding a Strawberry Sunrise, 'Pumped up? More like bumped… off. Am I right… Yang?! Neptune in his detective costume, holding Tri-Hard; his throat is cut: 'Everything must go, Jaune!'
Oscar opens the second envelope before becoming annoyed. "This is just more dick doodles!"
"Oh, that's a companion piece." Yang said happily, taking the new dick doodle.
Oscar angry whispering. "Oh for fuck's sake."
Ren starts to complain in a hurt tone. "That's not fair. Baby Ren was an accident: the fork slipped, the judge acquitted me, you're not allowed to talk about that."
"Yeah, and Combine died for science, that's like one of the top three or four ways to die." Wombag reason his case.
"Alright I don't care why you did it, the point is, that I'm gonna get filthy fucking rich from turning all you assholes in, so fuck you, and fuck you, and fuck you, and fuck all of you." As he finishes he flips off everyone as Ruby gives a standard bird, Ren an upside down bird and Blake throws a double bird.
"Hey, why don't you go suck a dick?" Yang yelled before Crimson made a comeback.
"Hey, why don't you suck two dicks?"
"No you, but five dicks!"
What Crimson brought next shocked Yang that made her shut up. "You're sucking eight dicks from every direction, just like, an omnidirectional-dick-suck-fest!"
Before things could get worse, Weiss cuts in. "O-kay, we get it, can you guys stop trying to one-up each other on the dick-sucking quotas? Why don't we just agree as adults that we all suck a lot of dicks." Before giving a calmly whisper. "And we love it."
Blake nodded in agreement, as Nora stated. "I like the taste."
Jaune hand raised, glancing around. "I'll suck them."
Crimson composing himself says. "Yeah. All right. I like it. Obviously."
Standing up, Wombag raised a question. "All right, Crimson. What's to stop us from just killing you and burning the body?
"First of all, Wombag" Crimson takes a bolt pistol out of his pocket, cocking it. "I have this."
Sounds of indignation from the assembled. "And second of all, while all of you have killed, only one of you is guilty of cold-blooded murder." He drinks, still pointing the gun as Ruby fidgeting, to Eye-Patch Nora, to Jaune frowning. "And if that person tries to kill me– *coughs* If they try–" Crimson starts hacking; holds up the glass and stares at it.
"We can't understand you, stop choking so we can understand you!" Weiss calls out.
Crimson clasp to the ground still hacking as Wombag race to him, before standing above and have to move the pistol away from the two of them. "Crimson, my boi, Crimson, no! Oh no, get the gun away from yours– no, not me either! Crimson, oh–" He puts his ear to Crimson's chest. "He's properly dead! Ren, you killed him!"
"No!" Ren stands up in protests.
"Well you gave him the drink!" Wombag says as he points at the now empty glass.
Ren walks up and picks it up. "Yeah, but look: there's cat hairs in this-"
Yang gives an audio 'ew' after hearing that. "the only person it could have been is Blake!"
Blake slams the table before speaking. "Hey, I don't need you profiling me, man. It's hard enough that I can't be a work in a haunted house… and if I was the killer, I wouldn't be rubbing my ears all over the murder-glass."
"Wouldn't you?" Weiss called back only to get an annoyed look from the Faunus.
"I wouldn't." Murmurs of reason started to flood the room as she did have a point.
"Well, yeah, that's the correct answer." Weiss hangs her head before Yang brings a good point. "Uh, why don't we all get the hell outta here?"
Everyone stands up and heads to the door with 'EXIT' above it. Jaune, Ren and Weiss made it first, however Jaune couldn't open.
"Shit, shit, dude, we're trapped!" He then starts shaking Ren by the lapels. "We're trapped with the killer!"
As that happens, Weiss notices something on the door. "Hey, what is this? 'Ten Little Noirs'? Ren, what did I tell you about hanging your poetry on the wall? No-one gives a crap about your inner goddess!" She addressed the Mistralian.
Ren getting upset stated. "Hey, I'm a beautiful budding flower, asshole, and that's not mine."
"What" Weiss says in confusion, before placing a hand on Jaune's face to move him out of the way to get a closer look. "Uh-oh. This looks like some kind of ominous omen for the rest of the evening."
Weiss begins to narrate the poem.
Ten little Noirs, all gathered to dine.
Shows Crimson's body laying on the ground in black-and-white.
One choked on his rage, and then there were nine.
Nine little Noirs, now running from fate.
Jaune turns to the screen before making a sideways glance.
One tripped over themselves, and then there were eight.
Eight little Noirs, two others in heaven.
Ruby looked inquisitive left and right.
One was martyred, and then there were seven.
Seven little Noirs, one liked to draw dicks–
"Oh sweet, final six!" Yang cheered.
Weiss turns away well cursing "Yig-damnit, Yang, shuttup, you keep messing me up!"
Ren makes a scary face.
Life imitated art, and then there were six.
Six little Noirs, often streamed life.
Eye patch Nora gives a confused look.
One died to scale, and then there were five.
EP Nora decides to speak up. "This is crap– there's no way it's going to be the people you keep showing. That'd just be too easy, wouldn't it?!"
"Unless we thought– UNLESS WE THOUGHT OF THAT FIRST." Weiss said with confidence.
EP Nora nods in understanding. "That would be mental."
Five little Noirs, one trapped in the floor.
Blake struck her chin as she studied the room.
One ran out of air and then there were four.
Four little Noirs, still trying to flee.
Oscar holding up the cane.
One got what they wanted, and then there were three.
Three little Noirs,
Yang smiles wickedly.
one died of a pun,
Wombag's rubber mask hiked up from where his eyebrows were.
the killer was killed,
And then there was one.
"Hey, why were you on me for that killer line?" Wombag asks in confusion.
"You do keep farming us for your stories, which is mostly because you kill us." Ren pointed out.
"Yeah this order doesn't make any sense. Everyone knows Ruby's gonna be the first one to die!" Jaune added, getting a 'Hey!' from Ruby. "Sorry, second, second one to die. *chuckles* forgot about the chaos god– at least you don't have that contract anymore!"
"How do we even know there is a killer?" Wombag questions as Ruby adds.
"Whoever this is has a real god complex."
As everyone questions each other Oscar draws his cane which starts to glow, then shouted at a crowd of Jaune, Yang, Blake and Ren. "Guys! My cane only glows when there's evil nearby, so one of us is the killer."
Ren sighs before trying to get out of the room. "Man, I don't have time for this. I need to go back to work."
Yang stops him with a finger pointing at his chest. "No, no-one's going anywhere until we find the killer!" Blake adds an agreement to Yang's statement.
"Hey, look, guys, my sword stopped glowing when I stepped away from everyone, OK, so obviously I'm not the killer, but one of you guys is, so everyone walk forward, one at a time, and when the sword glows, we know who the killer is and I'll… give 'em a stab." Oscar tries to reason with the group.
Jaune starts nodding, looking around before speaking up. "Yeah, this is good, I like this, this is a good plan, yeah, I'm on board with Team Oscar: I say we go for it."
"OK Jaune, you come forward." Oscar said as he ready himself.
"I dunno, you're closest, and we're like, best friends."
"We talked about getting lunch once."
"Well, I'm only gonna stab you if the cane glows-"
"Only if it glows."
"-or." Ozpin spoke.
"I'm sorry what?" Jaune questions.
"I said I'm only gonna stab you if the cane glows." Oscar said again.
After agreeing, Jaune takes a step forward, before Ozpin speaks again. "-or." Cause Jaune stopping and taking steps back again.
"OK, see, you did it again -did you hear that?- you did it again, you said 'only stab you if it glows or'" Came from annoyed Jaune.
"I didn't say 'or'."
"Yeah but you did though, I heard you say 'only if it glows or'."
"No, I was saying-"
"OK - just don't say or, just say you're going to stab me if it glows."
Oscar clears his throat before Ozpin's voice comes out "or."
Jaune looks at everyone a little piss before following through with the plan. "OK, I'm just gonna st– at this point, just to get past the bullshit. All right. OK."
"Two, three, four–" Jaune steps forward and the lights cut out. Everyone begins to scream as they rush out in the shroud of darkness. Oscar is waving the cane wildly as the lights come back on to reveal an empty room.
"Are you frightened?" Ozpin asks his host.
"Not nearly frightened enough. I know what hunts you."
Oscar sighs before speaking up. "Stop talking Ozpin. That's why no-one likes me. If you stopped talking to me, maybe people would like me."
A picture of Crimson with a dreadful stare with below the frame saying.
"One choked on his rage, and then there were nine."
*The lights turn off before Wombag walks out with an open tuxedo. He drank champain from his glass before speaking.
Hello Everybody, Wombag1786 here, so I'm still busy with finals now but I'll be back to posting by may. For now I hope you enjoy this chapter. Though strangely I didn't write it. Question is who?
*Wombag takes a sip before coughing it up. He looked down at the glass to realize someone had spiked it with Cat-Hair. He choked for a few moments before keeling over right next to Crimsons body. After a few moments, Crimson blinked his eyes. He blinks a few more times before getting up. Seeing Wombag choking he remarks.
"Yelp, someone should have watch they were drinking." He then reaches into his Blazer jacket, taking out a sheet off paper. "Now guess I'll be doing your reviews."
Wombag continues to croak as Crimson got up and beginning to read the response, unaware that Wombag has a pen.
From Black cross0: Yeah, though it will effect her in ways that have yet to be seen. (Or until arc 8. Oh I can't wait.) But for the most part she will be loosing sleep. And as an expert I can tell you the shit one can hallucinated with a night of zero sleep.
Yeah, shame we never got to your door. Least you didn't walk into my room. (35/8)
Just a face, a place, and a sister I'm afraid. Oh that was Raven. The monster that ripped itself from her was a fake Raven. Sorry for the confusion. There were two ravens and the one who died was the dream Raven.
Yep, those deadlights, try not to look into them for long. Or else you'll float as well.
Hmmm, I might borrow that Idea.
Sadly It, doesn't appear till 1930 and was last seen in 1903. (Or if the 27 year hibernation cycle is to be believed)
Thanks for writing Black cross0
From Carre: 1. No problem.
2 A. Heh glad that was entertaining for you.
2 B. Yep, heh expect this to happen a lot. It's a big world out there.
2 C. Thanks. I have a few more on the way and will be posted upon the begging sequence. (I think it's arc 11, 17, and 26)
3. Yeah… finals has been real rough on me man. Thanks for the vote of confidence
Thanks for writing Carre
From Crimson Weresloth: You'll be surprise how far violence takes you Ah your looking for Room 880808 down the hall to the right. Heh heh yeah. So close.
Me to pal.
Thanks for writing Crimson Weresloth
"Well, with that all said. Happy April Fools everyone. Shame this is the end for Wombag and this story. Oh well, least the clones are at pea… *BANG* Before Crimson could finish, a Gunshot is heard as a bullet passes by. Wombag is alive and pulled out his colt 1911. He managed to stab himself in the neck with a pen and was breathing out of it.
"Yikes! Okay, see you guys later! Bye!" More gunshots are heard until the sound of hot lead meeting flesh. "Ow! Son of a Bitch!"
As he cries out in pain, Wombag continues firing blindly till he accidently shoots the cameraman causing the view to blank out. Only thing left is the sign.
"Please stand by. We are having technical errors. In the meantime Fav And Fol Leave a comment behind and we will get right back to you"