370Phoebe's POV
I set Sawyer down, and luckily she doesn't freak out. I rush to Nathan and hug him so tightly.
"I am so sorry, baby," I say, and he doesn't say anything. Nana Moore was his everything. He called her daily, brought her dinner, and named Sawyer after her.
I hold him to me so tightly. He isn't saying a word. "Sit," I say and we sit on the bed. He immediately just pulls me to him and doesn't let go. I let him.
We stay like that for what feels like hours. "We need to call the hospital," I tell him. He nods and grabs his phone, and calls someone. He is frozen, pale, and heartbroken.
"I am so sorry, baby," I say as Sawyer begins to cry.
"I am going to finish feeding her, you lay down and call Berk, I will make sure the littles get off okay," I say and he nods. I kiss him again.
When I come out to the kitchen Henry and Claire are eating. Claire looks concerned as she sees me. Sawyer is done so I begin to burp her.
"Nathan's grandma passed away," I say to Claire so Henry can't hear. Her face drops.
"Would you be able to drop Henry off on the way to school?" I ask. We never ask Claire to do this, but her school is a mile from Henry's daycare and I don't want to leave Nathan.
"Of course, Phoebe I, I am so sorry. Is Nathan okay?" She asks.
"Momma Momma Momma wook I made a dino," Henry says and I smile.
"Woah that is amazing," I say and he laughs.
"He is pretty heartbroken, his Nana was one of his people," I say and she frowns.
"I got him don't worry," she says and I smile kissing her head.
"You're an angel," I say and she smiles.
"Henry, let's go to school," Henry is jumping for joy when he realizes he gets to go with Claire to school. I laugh and kiss his head.
After they leave, I call my mom. She is retired now, so I ask if she can take Sawyer for the day. She is in the car on her way before I hang up. I get together a bag of diapers, wipes, and a change of clothes even though it is redundant. My dad had a nursery and bedroom done for each one of his grandkids. I really do have the best parents. Claire's room is in the process of being done.
Shortly, my mom arrives. She has a bouquet of flowers, a homemade meal, and a sad look on her face. "I am so sorry," she says.
"Thank you so much," I say and hug her.
"Of course, if you need us to keep the kids tonight we absolutely can. Your dad is getting Henry from daycare as we speak," she says and I smile. I am not surprised. Henry is going to have a field day when he sees his Bubs.
I pass my mom Sawyer and all of her goodies. "Go be with him, we have the babies, don't worry," she says and I thank her.
After she leaves I head into the bedroom. Nathan is on his side with the saddest look I have ever seen. I climb into bed and he turns towards me. I wrap my arms around him. "I am so sorry," I say and he shakes his head. He is holding back tears.
I let my tears fall as I hold him to me. "I am so sorry," I can't stop saying it.
"I just, I can't believe she is gone," he says and I nod.
"I know," I say and hold him to me.
"Berk is losing her mind, Cole called and I heard her sobbing. I tried to talk to her, but she couldn't form a sentence," he says and I nod.
"You know what is fucked up," he asks.
"Part of me is so upset because she was the last piece of my dad that I had, the last good thing at least," That statement makes me cry. I am so heartbroken for him.
"I know," I say and rub his head. "You are allowed to grieve that loss," I say. He is holding onto my arm.
I hold him and rub his head. I feel tears fall onto my chest and that makes me cry harder. "I am so sorry," I say for what feels like the thousandth time.
He shakes his head and I hold him tightly. I let him cry. I don't say anything because there is nothing to say.
I hear Nathan's phone ring and I see it is his mom. I pass him his phone and he sits up answering it. "Hi mom," he says and I can't hear what she is saying.
"Okay… yes that is fine. Are you okay?... I know. I know… I am so sorry," I listen to the one-sided conversation heartbroken.
"I love you. Get some rest. Okay, talk soon," he hangs up and lays back down. He has me glued to his side.
"Her funeral will be sundayw," he says and I nod.
"My parents can keep the kids this weekend," I say and he shakes his head no.
"I want us to be together," he says and I nod.
Nathan leans in kissing me. I kiss him back and hold his face in my hands. He is struggling. I wish I could take all this pain away.
"What can I do to support you?" I ask him and he shakes his head. He just pulls me closer.
The rest of the day looks the same. We cried and held each other. At around four claire comes home from school. I get up and head into the kitchen.
"Hi," she says and looks nervous.
"Hi Claire bear," I say and grab a water.
"How is nathan? How are you?" She asks and I force a smile.
"We're going to be okay," I say and it is the truth. We are. it is just going to be very hard at first.
"Can I do anything to help?" She asks and I shake my head no. It is the truth. My parents are bringing the kids back around 8 for bedtime.
"Her funeral is Sunday, so we'll be gone all day," I say and she nods looking down.
The day goes by slowly. When the kids come home I put them to bed with the help of my parents. Nathan stays in our bedroom.
(Day of the funeral)
I am finishing putting on my makeup. I knew this day would come, but I never thought it would be so soon.
Stella, Henry's old nanny, is watching Henry and Sawyer for the day. Nana Moore was loved by my entire family, so we had to find care outside the family.
I brush out my long hair and lightly curl it. Nathan walks in and looks so handsome. He asks for help with his tie and I oblige. If this were any other circumstance I would make a move.
"You look beautiful," he says and I smile thanking him.
"Are you doing okay?" I ask him. It is a stupid question, I know that.
"I am. I think today will bring closure," he says and I nod. The past two days have been difficult. A lot of tears have been shed.
We head to the kitchen where Claire is sitting and waiting. She is in a black dress with her hair straightened. She looks beautiful. .
"I'm so sorry," Claire says as soon as she sees Nathan.
"I am too." He says and she nods. She looks like she's about to say something but then looks down.
We head out towards the church. When we get there it is like the entire town has come to show up for nana. She was special to everyone.
We walk in and Nathan hugs his sister and mom. I let them have time together. I hug my mom and dad tightly. Ted and Olivia are here too. My grandparents, Taylor and Gail, and Ava and andrew are here.
Ava has yet to announce her pregnancy to anyone, so I give her a hug and ask her quietly how she is.
"This baby is giving me hell, Pheebs," she says and I smile.
"They always do," I laugh.
When the service starts, the pastor is giving a speech above legacy. It is perfect for nana Moore because her legacy is going to carry on forever.
Nathan is making a speech. My throat tightens as he walks up to the podium. My dad holds my hand tightly.
"Thank you all for being here today. For those who don't know me, I am Rose's oldest grandson," he starts. His voice is steady.
He talks about Nana and who she was. He talks about how she would always bookmark pages in books to read to him. He talked about how when Henry spent the night he came back five pounds heavier and with many more toys in tow. True story.
Nathan talks about how we named our daughter after her. He talks about what an intelligent and amazing person she was. I am crying by the end of his speech. There is actually not a dry eye in the room.
Nathan comes back and sits down next to me. "That was beautiful, baby," I say and squeeze his hand. He kisses my head and I lay my head in his chest.
Noel speaks and it is beautiful. Noel's mom passed away when she was young, so having nana was like having another mom. Nathan is tightly holding my hand. I check on Claire and see that she is fighting tears.
After the funeral, there is a celebration of life outside the church. Many people are coming up to Nathan and offering their condolences. I grab us both a coffee and look around for Claire. I have not seen her.
"Have you seen Claire?" I ask my dad and he shakes his head looking around. She has her own CPO, so I look for Ferris, but I can't find him either.
I head inside to the church and see Ferris waiting near the bathrooms. To respect her privacy, I wait. Ferris walks over and I greet him.
"She's been in there for almost 20 minutes," he says. "I tried to call in but she said she's fine and dealing with stuff." He shrugs his shoulders.
I am wondering if she got her period and doesn't have a tampon. I walk into the bathroom and I hear sniffling.
"Claire," I say.
"I'm fine," she says and her voice changes immediately.
"Are you done going to the bathroom? Do you need anything? I have tampons." I ask her.
"No no I'm fine," she says and sounds embarrassed.
When she comes out I can tell she has been crying. She washes her hands and keeps her head down. "Can I give you a hug?" I ask her. She nods and puts her head on my shoulder.
"Nathan looks so sad." She says.
"I know," I say and have to hold back my own tears.
"I am so sad for him," she says and I nod.
"It's okay to be sad, Claire. Everyone out there is sad. No one is going to look at you funny for being upset," I say and she nods.
"It's just weird to be upset in front of everyone," she says. Claire's emotions were never validated as a child and it shows. She is scared to show any emotion other than happiness around people.
"I know, but it is okay. If you feel more comfortable going to a private space, use the office. You don't have to hide in here," I say and she nods.
We walk back out together. When Nathan sees us he wraps an arm around me and greets Claire.
"You doing okay?" I ask him.
"I am, this has been really wonderful. Seeing how many people she loved and how many people loved her," he says and I smile.
My parents come up to us and ask if we would like to have dinner at their place with the family. I leave it up to nathan because I don't want him to be exhausted.
"That would be nice," he says and I nod.
"Okay, Nathan Noel and Berkeley will be coming too," he says and I smile.
When we leave the celebration of life, we head home to change. Stella has the kids at our place. Claire gets in the back of the car while Nathan and I sit up front. I hold his hand as he drives.
"Claire, how are you?" Nathan asks and looks in the rear view.
"I'm good," she says quietly and looks out the window.
"Anytime you want to leave tonight, just tell me and we can go, you've had a long day," I say to him and he nods. He has one hand on my leg now.
When we get home, I see Henry peeking through the window. It makes me smile. We have had to baby proof our entire house because Henry figured out how to unlock the front and back doors.
"daddy," Henry runs to us and I smile. Nathan has spent a lot of time in our room and Henry was not used to it. He throws himself at nathan and hugs him tightly. I can see how much this means to Nathan.
"Hi mommy and bear," Henry says still locked onto Nathan.
"Hi baby," I say and kiss his head. Claire does the same. She heads upstairs to change.
"Daddy I misses you," Henry says and rests his head on Nathan's shoulder.
"I know, buddy I missed you too," he says.
I take Sawyer from Stella and thank her for her help. She says the kids were great. We pay her and send her on her way.
I take Sawyer to our room and slip my dress down so I can feed her. I am switching breasts as Nathan and Henry walk in.
"Mommy" Henry says and comes and sits on our bed.
"Yes baby," I ask.
"Why you feed sissy with your boobies?" He asks and I hear Nathan laugh from the bathroom.
"Well… mommy has milk in her boobies and sissy eats milk," I say.
"I have milk in my boobies?" Henry asks. I have to hold back my laughter.
"No buddy you don't only women do," I say and he nods.
"Okay." He says and moves onto something else. Once Sawyer is done eating I burp her.
She is getting so big. She is three months now and has gained some weight. Her cheeks are getting chunky. She looks more like us everyday.
I dress Sawyer in a floral onesie with some socks and a bow. I put on a sundress and call it a day. I can't wait for the cooler months. It has been unbearable this summer. Luckily with a newborn most of our moments have been spent inside.
I get Sawyer buckled into her car seat and call down for Claire that we need to go. She heads down in jean shorts and a white top. Nathan has Henry on his hip as we head out.
We buckle the kids in and head to my parents. Sawyer falls asleep on the way there so I transfer her to a baby carrier and have her strapped to my chest.
"Bubs," Henry screams when he runs into the house.
"Henry," my dad says and picks him up as they hug. I laugh.
Noel comes and hugs all of us as does Berkeley and Cole. Cole knows not to hug Claire so he settles for a high five. Teddy and Olivia come to greet us too.
Leo is 8 months old and the happiest baby on the planet. He is the spitting image of Ted. "Hi buddy," I say and kiss his sweet chunky cheeks.
We walk in and there are multiple bottles of wine open. Almost everyone has a glass. We all need it after today. I settle for a glass of Sauvignon blanc. Nathan gets a glass of red.
Ava isn't drinking and I'm shocked nobody has inquired. She's always the first one to open the bottle. Claire is sitting on the couch on her phone. I know this isn't her most comfortable place so I let her be.
Mia comes and hugs all of us. "How is William doing in school?" I ask her and she has the biggest grin.
"He's doing well. He misses Claire so much. Don't tell anyone, but he is surprising her this weekend," those words almost make me cry. She is going to be so excited.
"Seriously? Oh she's going to be so happy," I smile.
"He misses her Pheebs. I've never seen him like this," she says and I nod. I know the feeling.
"How's this little Angel?" She asks and I turn to the side showing her sawyer's squished face against my chest.
"She's the spitting image of you," she says and I smile. Maybe so.
We have pizza for dinner. Nana Moore was one of Gail's best friends, so nobody wanted her to have to cook. Henry is dancing with my uncle Elliot and dad. This family never has a dull moment.
When Sawyer wakes up, I slip on a nursing cover and feed her as Ava walks over to me. "Human cow," she says and I laugh.
"It'll be you soon," I whisper.
"About all that," she says and I look at her.
"When should I tell people," I have to hold back my laughter.
"Usually they say wait to the 12 week mark," she groans.
"Another two weeks," she says and I smile.
"Well you don't have to but it's recommended," I say and she nods.
"Fair enough," she says and I laugh.
After Sawyer is done nursing I pass her off to my aunt Kate who has been dying to hold her. I take a big sip of my wine and look around for Henry. I find him with teddy and Leo building block towers. I look to find Nathan and he is nowhere to be found.
I walk around until I decide to head down to the dock. As I am walking down I see him. He is sitting on the edge with his hands under his chin.
"Babe?" I say and he turns. I see tears in his eyes.
"Can I sit?" I ask.
He pulls me onto his lap. I rest my head on his shoulder and stroke his jaw line.
"Are you doing okay?" I ask and he nods.
"I am. I just am really going to miss her," he says and I nod hugging him to my chest.
"I know, she is so proud of you," I saw and he nods.
"It's so good to have everyone together, I just needed a moment," he says and I nod.
"I get it babe," I say and lean in kissing him.
He slips his tongue into our kiss and I moan. I move so I am straddling him. He slips his hands under my dress and grabs my butt.
"I need you," he says.
"I am here," I moan.
He unbuckles his pants and slips himself out of them as he pulls my panties to the side. This is a 180 of where we just were but I get it. He needs this.
I sink myself down on him and groan. "Be fast baby," he says and I move up and down quickly. Luckily, you can't see where we are from my parents house.
Before I know it nathan grasps my arm as he spills inside of me. I take a deep breath and move off of him. "Thank you," he says and I kiss him again.
We clean ourselves up and head inside. Luckily no one seemed to notice our absence. Henry is now with my dad playing with his trucks. Sawyer is in Ava's arms. I smile at the sight. Ava is going to be such a good mom.
She has Sawyer facing her and is talking to her. I go over and kiss Henry's head. "You okay?" My dad asks and I nod.
After a long night, it is time to head home. Nathan drives us. Henry and Sawyer both fall asleep. Claire is on her phone in the back. Nathan has his hand on my thigh.
When we get home I transfer Sawyer to her crib and Nathan gets Henry down. I can't lift Henry out of his car seat without waking him. That is thanks to my 5'1 frame.
I head into Claire's room to say goodnight and find her on her side laying down.
"You okay, sweets?" I ask her. She doesn't answer so I walk around to face her. She is crying on her side.
"Hey sweetheart, what's going on?" I ask gently.
"It's stupid," she says.
"If it's making you upset it's not stupid," I say trying to validate her emotions.
"I'm fine," she says and I pull over her makeup desk chair to sit.
"It's okay not to be fine, I don't think any of us are after today," I say and pat her leg.
"I want to hug Nathan," she says and I am a little confused.
"I'm sure he'd love a hug," I say.
"I know he would, and that's what's making me sad because I can't," she says and starts to cry again.
"What do you mean sweetheart?" I ask her.
"Because it makes me so anxious again, it's like I'm back to where I was when I was raped, I want to hug him but it's scary and now I feel stupid for even saying anything. UGH." She says and lays on her back and wipes her eyes.
"I did not know this was something you were struggling with, I am sorry Claire. This must feel like a lot," I say and she nods.
"I don't know why. I know he's a safe person," she says and I nod.
"Well let me tell you this. You don't have to hug Nathan. He doesn't expect it. If it is not something you are comfortable with that is okay," I say and she nods.
I'm not surprised to be having this conversation with Claire. She struggles with being vulnerable. I am sure it's frustrating to know Nathan is a safe person but it's too scary to hug him. Her rape still affects her everyday. That's what happens when you are 16 and lose all control.
"Sweetheart, don't push yourself okay. You'll get there. It'll take time just like it did the first time," I say and she nods.
The door opens and I see Nathan. "A party without me," he says and I smile. He comes and sits down next to me. When he sees Claire's face he frowns.
"What's going on?" He asks. Claire looks to me.
"We don't have to talk about it anymore," I say knowing Nathan will understand.
"No, I should, it's important," she says and I am SO proud of her.
"I haven't really been able to hug you," she says to Nathan. Nathan rests his elbows on his knees and has his hands steepled under his chin. An adorable habit he has when he's listening closely.
"Bear, if you don't want to hug people you don't have to," Nathan is so great about reminding her she has a choice.
"But I do want to," she says and sighs. She swipes her tears away frustrated.
"I'll give you a hug," Nathan says and sits up and she scoots way back.
"That's what we were talking about," I step in. "She wants to be able to hug you, but it's scary right now," I say. Nathan understands and sits back.
"Nothing even happened to make it scary," she says.
"Claire, you had a major life change. You unexpected moved houses. That can trigger a lot of anxiety and past trauma," I say and she sighs.
"I just need to get over it," she says and I shake my head.
"Claire I don't think you ever fully got through it and that's why it is the way it is now," I say and she doesn't say anything. Something I have found she does when she knows we're right.
"I'm so tired of having to work through shit. Nathan lost his nana we shouldn't even be doing this right now," she says and I look at Nathan who is shaking his head.
"We love you Claire. It's what we've been trying to get you to understand for months. You have experienced trauma and it needs to be worked through. We are here to do it with you," he says and I nod.
Claire sits up in front of us. "I love you guys," she says and Nathan pats her hand.
Sawyer starts to cry, so I have to get up. I am assuming she is hungry. She hasn't eaten for awhile. She was a sleepy girl.
(Claire's POV)
Phoebe goes to get Sawyer and I am left alone with Nathan. I don't miss the hint of anxiety I feel. "I am really sorry about your Nana," I say and Nathan nods. I can see the hurt in his eyes.
"Me too, Bear," he says.
Nathan stands up and I do too. I want to try and wish him goodnight. "I love you so much," I say and it is true.
"I love you more," he says and reaches out his hand. I high five him and he smiles. He is so good about keeping boundaries.
After Nate leaves I decide to call William. When he answers I hear loud music and voices. What the hell? It is a Sunday.
"Will?" I ask.
"Hey baby," he slurs. I shouldn't be frustrated, but I am.
"Hi, where are you?" I ask him.
"A bar. Is everything okay?" I roll my eyes.
"It's fine, have fun I love you," I hang up and roll over on my side. I sigh and hear my phone ring again. I ignore it this time and go to bed.