Disclaimer: The Transcriber of this story loves redheads. My dad and grandmother both had red hair and they are two of my all time favorite people. The first girl I fell for was a redhead. And my first childhood 'celebrity' crush was on Daphne from Scooby Doo.
Don't take it too hard when Luna jokes about gingers being evil. Because she does. A lot. Luna never met a conspiracy theory she didn't like.
And she really doesn't like the Weasleys.
I was working on my primary story a few nights ago when Luna jumped in my head & said it was time for her to come out and play. She has some really mean blackmail too, so I wasn't going to argue with her.
Also, you can play a drinking game where you try to spot the references to other fanfiction in this- don't try that unless you really want to make yourself puke. And speaking of which, I'm a little sad that no one seemed to catch that I ended part 1 with a Casablanca reference.
There will be a part three at some point, so don't pout too much at the ending. ;)
You're Luna Lovegood.
I know, I know... you're really Fernando Rodney. Congratulations on being the oldest active baseball player in the majors. Shoot that arrow! Good luck in the world series. You're gonna need it. Also, I hope you enjoy the story, assuming you can follow the premise.
Wait a minute! You argue that you are not Luna Lovegood or this Fernando Rodney person, you're actually the glorious leader of Mother Russia, the one and only Vladimir Putin. When you're not shirtlessly wrestling lions & tigers & bears (Oh my! says George Takei) you sometimes like to read completely bonkers (and occasionally smutty) Harry Potter fanfiction. But don't worry, it will be our little secret.
There's also a 43% chance that you're a fourteen year old Chinese girl named Jingfei. First of all, that's a very pretty name. Secondly, I hope you don't get into any trouble for reading this. Especially if you live in Hong Kong. Stay safe, sweetie!
So, while I know that you're in all probability one of these other three people instead, just for today's purposes, let's pretend that you are Luna Lovegood.
Think of it as an experiment. Or maybe a really kinky dream. I'm not going to say anything if you take a few hours to explore the joys of being a nubile teenage girl. Whatever happens in your imagination is none of my business- unless you want to tell us about it, in which case feel free to start up a wave of author-as-Luna self-insert masturbatory smut. I'd totally read that.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. Luna.
So, Luna, you're sitting there in the Great Hall of Hogwarts looking around at everyone and wondering what the fuck those scumbag Malfoys are doing there. Two of them are Death Eaters, and Lucius set a basilisk loose on the school. If that worthless evil piece of shit doesn't pay, you'll have to get medieval on his ass. You survived the dungeons of Malfoy Manor. Let's just be grateful that you were still in a kid-friendly version of the universe and therefore didn't end up getting raped.
Of course, it could be one of those worlds where the Death Eaters are all a bunch of boy-loving pedos (which would explain why they're always going after Harry) but Dean Thomas was there too, and as far as you know, his bum escaped intact as well.
Anyway, you created a diversion so Harry could get away from the crowd and now you're just hoping that he won't be stupid enough to go back to Ginny. Sure, she's good looking, but Harry deserves so much more than to be devoured by the all consuming monstrosity that is the Weasley clan.
It's probably all the love potions. How else could you explain Hermione's interest in Ron? It's really too bad that the twins didn't slip Harry one instead. He'd probably be happier with Fred or George. Assuming he's gay.
Judging by how little interest he's shown in all the sexy girls around here, that could make sense. Sure, Cho was a babe, but why didn't Harry ever make a move on anyone else? He was incredibly famous, rich, cute, and sweet. Why weren't the girls lining up? You'd almost think Harry's story had been written by some frigid prude who had no idea what a teenage boy's hormones were like.
Well now that you, Luna Lovegood, are in charge, it's time to make things more fun! Hot, sticky, sweaty fun!
Luna awoke from a wonderfully strange dream right before she could get to the good part.
Not that she hadn't enjoyed being inhabited by some otherworldly visitor. Praise Eris! It was so fun being possibly possessed. They even mentioned her Chinese pen pal. Hi Jingfei!
Interestingly, she was not at Hogwarts after the battle there, nor did she appear to be seventeen anymore. Her breasts were a bit smaller and as she got up to look in a mirror, it appeared that she still had a couple of inches or so of growth to come in height as well. She was back in her bedroom at the Rookery and it looked as it had a few years ago. Before she had met Harry.
Life had been a lot more fun with Harry in it. Interesting things were often happening to him, so being around him also led to more strange experiences. Maybe this was one of those? She had been around Harry yesterday, before going to sleep and waking up apparently a few years back in time.
She found her diary and looked in it. The most recent entry had been in July of 1994, so she now at least had some idea of when she was. She had almost four years to do over though, and not all of it was very amusing.
For one thing, she was going to start hexing the shit out of those girls in her dorm.
Suffering a year under the Carrows or Malfoys was not something that led to Luna's innocence remaining intact. Well, luckily her physical innocence still was actually, but you know what I mean. She wasn't going to put up with any more bullying bullshit.
1994 meant third year was coming up. She'd already had four years of Ancient Runes, so maybe she should change that elective to something else. If only she had taken Divination, she could have blown Trelawney's mind by predicting things from that class- but that seemed like a rather weak joke when she had to keep in mind that it would have likely gotten old after a month or two.
No way she was going to deal with years of the class. Maybe she would give Arithmancy a try instead?
She definitely wasn't going to miss out on Care of Magical Creatures. Not only was Hagrid a big softy who she had wrapped around her finger within that first term, but he knew all sorts of things about every creature imaginable. He even knew about some of the mythical ones that most people thought she and her father made up!
Well, except the Nargles. He was completely against the idea of Nargles for some reason. Probably because they had infested his brain and refused to let him see the truth.
Poor Hagrid. She'd have to make him a butterbeer cap necklace like her own.
She went over to her desk and looked through her things. She only had a couple of them loose, but it was a start. And it seemed that she hadn't gotten her school letter yet, so she still had time to write to Flitwick and ask to change into Arithmancy.
The next few weeks were sadly less interesting. Her father hadn't experienced the same thing she had although he did find it completely fascinating. He offered to let her write about her trip back through time, but Luna decided to hold off for the time being. It was possible that others had come back as well, and she didn't want to start causing too many waves just yet. Not until she saw if anything else had changed.
And even worse, she hadn't had any more fun dreams of being possessed. Nor about alternate realities.
Not even reading Lovecraft stories right before bed helped.
It was so frustrating.
Things got even more dull when she went back to Hogwarts. While it was a plus to see that Harry was acting differently from what she remembered- no surprise there, of course the strange coincidence of being sent back in time involved Harry Potter as well- he unfortunately seemed to be focused on the main plot line of what happened to him during the Triwizard tournament. And probably stopping the Dark Lord and all that jazz.
That meant that he didn't bother to come visit Luna at all. Or introduce himself, she supposed, since they hadn't met in this part of the timeline. Poor Harry always was a little socially retarded. Still, she did miss her friend.
Worst of all, he was spending time with Ginny. That stupid little ginger cunt didn't deserve him.
In the end, Luna mostly spent the year studying on her own and being bored out of her mind. Which was always kind of a short trip, to be honest.
Arithmancy turned out to be dry but fascinating. If only she'd had a chance to fast forward to the NEWT years, she could have learned all sorts of interesting things about ritual magic.
But in the end, Harry saved the day and got all the Death Eaters arrested and everything else you would expect of a hero doing heroic things. Heroically.
She then had a very fascinating dream. It was about her third year again, although since it focused almost entirely on Harry, Hermione, and Ron, she really should have said that it focused on their fourth year.
It was pretty funny for the most part, as Ron acted like such a hilarious moron and was constantly being humiliated. Some nasty things happened to Draco Malfoy too, and Lucius Malfoy ended up getting eaten by a polar bear so that was pretty wonderful.
However, it was largely about Harry and Hermione being so completely in love and all that gooey stuff. At least Harry was saved from becoming a Weasley, but Hermione? Really? She wasn't bad looking, and she had mostly stood by Harry when the going got rough, but she could be such a stick in the mud. For a muggleborn girl suddenly being introduced to the world of magic, she was incredibly close-minded.
Plus, she probably wouldn't be interested in threesomes, and it would definitely take some work to get the stick out of her ass so something a lot more fun could replace it.
In a better world, she and Harry could loosen Hermione up (literally) and then that could be the start of something great.
For her part, Luna ended up dating Viktor Krum in the dream, which was sort of flattering while also being horrifying. I mean yes, it was nice to have a part in the story, but thirteen year old Luna was far too young for being with eighteen year old Krum to be seen as anything other than creepy. Especially with that unibrow and near constant scowl of his.
When she woke up again back in the summer of 1994, Luna was really disappointed. She wasn't bothered by not getting to anything sexual with Krum- he looked too much like a grumpy neanderthal for that to be any fun- but it looked like she was going to have to be a third year student yet again.
She decided to take Muggle Studies that time around. Even if it was as much of a joke as she had heard, Luna could always just study other, more interesting things. Like that curse she had placed on her trunk last year. Two of her roommates ending up with pus constantly leaking down their legs made her laugh maniacally. Fucking cunts wouldn't try any of that shit again.
Luna put needing to work on her wicked witch laugh on the list of things to do that year.
Unfortunately, if Harry had gone back in time with her again, he was clearly insane as he did the exact same things as the year before. Saving the day and all that nonsense as well as wasting his time with Ginny.
Didn't he know that gingers were all soulless monsters?
And he didn't involve himself in Luna's life either. Poor Harry. Didn't he realize how much more fun his life could be with her help?
She still knew where the Room of Requirement was, for example. Harry might not have much imagination, but Luna proved to herself that she could whip up a room ready made for jelly wrestling. Incredibly skimpy bikinis included. That poor sap didn't know what he was missing.
She spent the night testing things out. Just for future reference.
Future, filthy reference.
The next day was a bit uncomfortable though, as it felt like there was still some jelly that she had missed. She probably needed to research enemas anyway. Maybe that could help Hermione?
Otherwise, the year was rather uneventful. Luna spent a lot of time playing in the Room of Requirement and keeping her fingers crossed that Harry would realize how much he was missing out on.
The fingers crossed thing did make spellcasting quite a bit harder though, but it was worth it to see the looks on the faces of her classmates. It's not like her grades really mattered anyway. Professor Flitwick seemed to find it funny too. He always did seem to be in a good mood.
By the end of the year, Luna wasn't surprised that she had another very vivid dream. This time around, she had a much bigger role as she tried and tried and tried to seduce Harry and Hermione, who were once again romantically involved. It was due to an accidental marriage having to do with his family's magic, which was all about wards and breaking them. The two of them were so silly, pretending to only be friends for weeks on end before eventually getting to the good stuff. Luna had a front row seat to it all, especially as she had a number of spells perfect for the peeping tom.
Finally, Hermione also accidentally asked to marry her, which meant that Luna got her happy ending as she ravished the both of them.
There was also some stuff about a tentacle monster, robbing all the Death Eaters, and the Weasleys were doing some things as well. Fred even became minister of magic, which was just more proof that gingers were soulless as far as Luna was concerned. Even the supposedly fun ones like the twins.
It was so sad really. She knew it was going to break Harry's heart when she revealed that those two were just as evil as the rest of the family.
And in the end of the incredibly wacky dream, she had tricked Tonks into getting engaged to them as well by confusing her into believing that she had traveled back in time and lost her memory and they were actually two versions of the same person. That was a fun idea. Tonks could probably be a blast in bed, if she could be talked into losing absolutely every single one of her inhibitions.
And her dignity too, probably. Dignity had no place in the bedroom anyway. Not unless it was one of those fantasies where you were being broken by a dominant partner. Ooh, that could be fun.
Luna awoke again the summer when she was still thirteen and hoped that Harry would do something much more amusing that year.
Muggle Studies hadn't been very interesting, so she went back to Ancient Runes. Since she already knew all the material, it could be yet another class that she could ignore while she studied all sorts of books that she had been swiping from the restricted section of the library.
While she might not have had an invisibility cloak like Harry, she had learned the Disillusionment charm a couple of years ago, in the future. That was fun to think about. The future past... Wasn't that from a comic book? Oh, and that really great Twin Peaks episode too!
Anyway, at first, it looked like Harry had learned his lesson and was going to start being a lot more fun that year. He summoned the flask away from Barty Crouch Jr. at dinner right at the beginning of term, which led to all sorts of chaos. His name didn't come out of the Goblet of Fire for the first time.
Unfortunately, after that surprise, he still ended up insanely wasting his time dating Ginny again. It made Luna sigh. Poor Harry was so broken and lacking in self-worth that he clearly didn't realize just how many hotter girls there were he could have gone after. For example, Cho was infinitely sexier than Ginny. Luna had a few ideas of what she could do with that tasty little thing. Yummy.
It wasn't the first time she got caught daydreaming at the lunch table, but it was still embarrassing, especially as she was drooling. But a girl had needs!
She blew off her afternoon classes and spent the rest of the day in the Room of Requirement. Luna 'required' sex toys and she did quite a lot of brainstorming that night- you know, when she needed breaks between her physical exertions.
Still, for the most part, it was a rather forgetful romp through the school year. Luna was glad when it was over.
And when it was, she fell asleep wondering if she would have another dream of some strange alternate universe. This one happened to be one of the strangest.
It focused on Harry again, this time as he was in some distant future where humans flew on ships through space and had settled on a number of planets, none of which were Earth. The dream was very long, and she had trouble remembering it all, especially as there were a whole bunch of people she had never heard of before, but she eventually appeared in this one as a magical painting. She had died many years before, but not until after having married Harry and lived with him for something like a century.
Harry was very powerful and it seemed like he might live to be three hundred or more. It made her smile. For once, he wasn't being dragged down into mediocrity. No becoming a cog in the machine. He was saving the galaxy and bringing back magic to a world sadly filled with the mundane, other than some freaky untrained Legilimency- and all the space stuff too. This was so much more like it. This was what her amazing friend deserved to do with his life.
Not becoming Harry Weasley and working for the fucking ministry of magic, selling his soul to The Man. An auror? Ugh. He could have been a freelance photographer of erotica- can you imagine how many women would have been interested in his 'services' for something like that? Plus, then he could have come with her as she traveled the globe searching for exotic animals. There was an enormous variety of gorgeous women out there in countries all over the world for them to seduce together!
Like that cute but crazy chick who was clearly crushing on him for months before he finally agreed to go on a date with her. That was just like Harry, the silly idiot. One of these days, Luna would have to break him of that sort of thing if he didn't get his head out of his arse on his own.
She woke up thinking that she really needed to watch Firefly, whatever that meant. If only some undefined god or goddess or the universe (or maybe some demented writer) would let her get out of this time loop and experience more pop culture.
Well, back to Runes again. If Harry didn't get his act together, she was going to slap him this year.
But then, miracle of miracles, he seemed to break from his insanity. He was back in the tournament again, but this time he was smart enough to ask Cho out before she stupidly wasted her time on that guy with the hair that was always covered in glitter for some reason. I mean, Luna liked glitter for some of her more whimsical art projects, but not for just wearing all day while walking around the castle.
You'd almost think a guy like that was... well, a little light in the loafers, shall we say. Not that she was judging. That would be less competition for the harem she some day wanted to be a part of, after all.
Speaking of less competition, maybe she should start thinking about becoming an assassin? She could knock off all the bastards she had seen teaming up with people like the Death Eaters or Umbridge over the years and most were guys in either case. Surely no one would really mind if the boys' dorms in Slytherin were emptied out. Those dumbasses never amounted to anything other than becoming terrorists, politicians, or lawyers- and the world could do with a lot less of all three.
That would leave behind a lot of Slytherin girls that she could console. Like Daphne Greengrass. Mmm. Luna had no idea how a girl could have legs that long. Now that was the type of lady that Harry should try to hook up with. He could thaw out the 'ice queen' and then Luna could take turns sitting on both their faces!
Well, a girl could dream at least.
As Pepe Le Pew would say, le sigh.
Oh, or the Carrow twins. Flora and Hestia- their names even sounded like they were meant to date someone like Luna. Three goddesses- they could all wear togas and lounge around being fed grapes by their handmaidens. At least, until it was time for the togas to come off and then they could practice mud wrestling. The Greeks did that, didn't they? She seemed to remember something about the original Olympics being all nude.
Anyway, after the mud wrestling, then they would all have to be bathed. Handmaidens would be good for that sort of thing too. But she might prefer just to have Flora and Hestia in a great big bath tub all to herself. Oh, and filled with bubbles!
As you can probably tell, they were Luna's favorite fantasy of the girls in her year. Who could resist twins?
And if Harry was good, then she would invite him to join in too.
However, things took a turn for the worse when Cho slapped Harry and dumped him after he groped her when they were (seemingly) in private one Hogsmeade weekend. Neither of them needed to worry about the invisible voyeur who had followed them, although Luna almost broke her silence when Harry was annoyed by Cho's prudishness.
Sadly, he fell back into old patterns by taking Ginny to the Yule Ball. Was he never going to learn?
But then he did something amazing: he started going out with Parvati. It wasn't as amazing as if he was going out with her sister too, but Harry probably needed to start slower than that. Things were finally picking up before Dumbledore ruined everything, again.
I know, 'but he's the wise old mentor' you argue. Really? Considering he never really taught Harry anything other than awful lessons like "have no self-esteem, always turn the other cheek, forgive your enemies, and willingly martyr yourself."
Luna hated all of those things when Harry could have been learning important life lessons like to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women. She was going to have to make him watch Conan as soon as possible. He was a much better role model than losers like Dumbledore or Jesus.
Luna already knew that mercy was for chumps. Thankfully, she would find out that Harry would eventually learn that lesson on his own. It was still a couple of years away though.
He also had a very important lesson to learn about being a parselmouth and using that gift on women, preferably Luna and others that she found attractive.
Anyway, where were we? Oh, right Dumbledore.
Yeah, so he used Ron Weasley as Harry's hostage instead of his smoking hot girlfriend. Harry was barely speaking to Ron that year. What the fuck was Dumbledore smoking? (And how could Luna steal some of it for her own personal use?)
The resulting rant and punching of both of them was pretty damn funny. Maybe Dumbledore was trying to push Harry towards being gay? It might seem like a conspiracy theory, but he had kidnapped Harry from Sirius and stolen his childhood despite his retarded assertion that 'love' was Harry's power that would defeat Voldemort. Growing up without even being treated with common decency probably wasn't a good way to 'nurture' that- but if Dumbledore instead wanted someone broken and desperate... was it any stranger to think that maybe he wanted to take advantage of Harry in other ways? He had been called up to the headmaster's office way, way more than any other student she had heard of.
Oh, poor Harry. Luna worried that maybe that was why he was so screwed up.
Even worse though was that Parvati broke up with him after he had decked Dumbledore. Hell, Luna would have sucked Harry's cock right there in front of everyone if he had the balls to do something like that. Call her strange if you want, but disrespecting authority was always a turn on.
Harry then went after Lavender, and Luna could think of two very good reasons why. Perky reasons.
It was a good time for Harry, and a good time for Luna too. She had slipped a tracking charm on him after his wonderful performance at the second task, so she knew how and when to follow along when he and Lavender slipped off for some alone time... well, what they thought was alone time. Luna could be discreet while she perved off watching them. You had to know how to do that sort of thing if you wanted to be a professional voyeur.
Luna was going to be licensed and everything.
But seriously, Lavender had a great rack. Harry's taste in the ladies was really improving.
When she too broke up with him, Luna started to worry if Fate really did hate Harry and what the fuck that stupid bitch's problem was. Why couldn't she pick on a more deserving target like Malfoy? Or that sleazebag Smith from Hufflepuff? Or one of those soulless ginger Weasleys? Ron would be so much funnier as Fate's punching bag.
In the end, Luna followed Harry to the graveyard and watched as he used grenades to blow up most of the Death Eaters before being killed by you-probably-know-who.
Luna almost ended up dead as well, being struck by some debris from the explosions. She wondered briefly if she could die and if she would wake up again last summer. That would be a lot better than not having lived to see any of her plans for future debauchery come to pass.
She was very thankful when she found herself falling asleep just after Harry was hit by the killing curse.
Yet again, Luna got to have an interesting dream as she now knew she must be heading back in time. This dream was exactly the sort of fun that she was hoping Harry would realize he could be having if he would just wake up to the fact that there was so very much more to life than the soulless ginger Weasley clan.
It began at Hogwarts after Harry had defeated that one guy... the noseless creep, you know, umm... Dolvemort? Whatever, there were much more important things to focus on.
The Nargles had been flying low, which was naturally the perfect excuse for needing to have sex with Harry. It was so perfect, in fact, that a number of other witches wanted to join her. Hannah Abbot, Susan Bones, Lavender Brown, Astoria and Daphne Greengrass, Su Li, Padma and Parvati Patil. The only things they were missing were a MILF and a Veela. And they would eventually have a Veela too- once Gabrielle Delacour grew up.
Hermione came to her senses and joined in, and for some reason even Pansy Parkinson, the girl with the permanent sneer, also ended up in what was dubbed the Coven of the Nargle. Luna guessed she couldn't really blame her. She wouldn't have looked very happy if she had to spend that amount of time around Malfoy either.
She wondered what would happen if Harry tried to date Pansy one of these times- it could be amusing to 'steal' Draco's girlfriend... although, at the same time, it was gross to think that she might have been befouled by that sleazy ferret with the bad teeth, weak jaw, beady little eyes, and soft, wimpy body. Hell, Luna could probably beat him at arm wrestling, even as a little thirteen year old waif.
It was something to consider for the future. For this year, things were looking both good and bad. For the bad, Harry was once again in the tournament. For the good, he started dating Parvati right from the beginning of the year.
But the best part was that Luna's previous tracking charm was still working, so she knew exactly when it was time to catch a show. And the shows were even better this year: Harry had finally moved on to oral sex! Luna wanted to squee with delight if it wouldn't have given herself away.
It was a wonderful show too. Parvati proved why she was the Gryffindor of the Patil twins as she didn't hesitate to try to please Harry. If she hadn't known that she was still a virgin (due to more than a few times Luna peeped on her and listening to her gossip with Padma), Luna would have sworn that Parvati had gone down on several guys before.
Or maybe gone to a brothel for lessons? Ooh, that could be fun! It had to be one of those 'classy' joints that only show up in bad bodice-ripping romance novels. Luna liked to think of them as lady-porn. Most guys were too simple and animalistic for anything beyond the visual, while most of the girls she knew preferred something with some depth. Often some silly angst too.
And werewolves, for some reason. Luna didn't get that one. Either those girls were hiding their inclinations towards being furries or outright bestiality, and neither one particularly appealed to her. Besides, didn't they know that lycanthropy was a painful curse? Professor Lupin had been sickly as hell and prematurely aged- he wasn't some sex god with amazing stamina.
Oh well. Whatever floats their boats.
She could get off to the crude porn for guys or the more sophisticated erotica for women. Luna was flexible that way. But if she was going to go after a supernatural monster, she was more likely to pick a vampire. That whole thing with necks and biting was HOT.
Or maybe a centaur. If she was going to be kinky, she might as well go all the way. The phrase hung like a horse came to mind...
...and so did Harry. Not that he was that well-endowed. Not yet anyway. There was probably a spell for that sort of thing. She'd have to look it up later.
However, he was the first real friend she'd ever had. Probably the best one too. He never judged her or laughed at her. It was kind of sad, but it made Luna treasure him even more considering how almost everyone else treated her. Even the rest of the group that had fought at the Department of Mysteries together never truly accepted Luna the way that Harry had.
Hermione was argumentative and full of scorn. Neville treated her like an oddball. Which was fair, actually, but he wasn't exactly mister popularity either.
As for Ron and Ginny, they mostly treated her like a joke. True, they acted a bit more fond of her after that battle, but she surmised that it was mostly just to stay on Harry's good side. They didn't want their work with the love potions to go down in flames just because they called her Looney one too many times in his presence.
Honestly, where did Harry think that epithet came from? Some random, faceless, mean Ravenclaws? Or the two kids closest in age to her, on the bottom of the totem pole in their own poor family who finally had someone to pick on. The weird little girl from the other side of town.
Evil fucking gingers. Harry was going to learn one of these days. Soulless monsters, the lot of them. Freckled, carrot top bastards. Even that gay one that played with dragons... the one with the leather fetish... the one that never seriously dated any girls even though he went to school with potential walking sex bomb Tonks...
What was his name? She was pretty sure it started with a C, but she didn't think that Cocksucker Weasley was his given name. It was what her mum had called him though. Luna remembered fondly how she had ranted to her father about catching him blowing a muggle boy. She still wasn't sure exactly what muggle baiting meant, but the memories of her mother swearing like a drunken sailor who had just stubbed his toe always brought a smile to Luna's face.
Anyway, while watching Parvati swallow Harry's load was both hot and awesome, Luna was even more pleased at watching how eager to please he was on the giving end. It made sense that he had a profoundly deep need to prove himself worthy of being loved, and as sad as that was in some ways, Luna was definitely going to take advantage of it when her turn came around.
Parvati seemed to be having fun, and that was without Harry realizing that he had a built-in real-life cheat code that he could use.
Most of the year passed pleasantly. Luna decided to skip following Harry to the graveyard this time. When he got back, she was glad not to have had to dodge any stray curses because the night that Harry spent in the Room of Requirement as Parvati 'soothed his pain' via massage oils, oral sex, a tit job- it took all her restraint not to join in when Luna saw that. If it wouldn't have freaked them out, Luna would have licked those gorgeous splooge-covered mocha boobs clean and shagged both of them senseless.
But she controlled herself, barely, and kept watching all night. It was hot, and it proved that Harry was learning.
All in all, it was the best year yet. It ended somewhat abruptly just after she had gotten off the train and said hello to her father. Before she knew what was happening, Luna was once more slipping into a vivid dream.
This time, she and Harry were co-starring in a very goofy story as nearly God-like beings 'fixing' things across an enormous amounts of alternate universes. Happily, they were both taking the time to enjoy the little things in life too, like driving some of their enemies completely insane.
The two of them were also interacting with their younger selves and once again it seemed like the dream wanted she and Harry to hook up with Hermione in a menage a trois. Luna thought there were several other girls she would pick first, but it was hardly the worst thing that could happen.
Amusingly, in this dream universe, Albus Dumbledore was almost psychotically obsessed with the so-called Greater Good. Luna thought that maybe the old crackpot had been touched by cosmic forces, hence his insanity, but it could also explain why he was so focused on making Harry's life as miserable as possible. Fate really was an awful bitch if she was colluding with old men with too much power and dementia to try to continually offer up poor Harry as a virgin sacrifice...
Luna came awake with a start. Maybe Harry losing his virginity would be the key to fixing things? He would no longer be available to play the role of Magical Jesus if he was no longer "pure."
She damn near apparated straight to him to fuck his brains out, but for some reason she held back. Maybe it was because she wanted to make sure she was devising this experiment properly. Or maybe because she wanted Harry to have the chance to have sex without her just climbing on top of him.
It might also be a good idea for him to have some experience before Luna's turn came if she wanted it to be as magical as it really should be. And if he could figure out the parseltongue thing beforehand, that would definitely be for the best.
When she got back to Hogwarts, Harry was now seen canoodling with Lavender Brown. That seemed alright until Luna noticed that he kept stealing glances at Parvati.
Luna sighed. Harry had been so starved for affection that he was now hooked on the first girl to really blow his mind. Don't get me wrong, Parvati was smoking hot and apparently a total minx in the bedroom, but she wasn't the only girl out there. But Luna saw the problem before Harry did. He was going to blow things because he couldn't get Parvati out of his head even as he tried to date Lavender.
The first task was when things exploded. Harry admitted his feelings for Parvati, got slapped, and then took his frustrations out on the dragon, several Death Eaters, Ron, and Dumbledore. Using bolts of lightning was a nice touch. And finally making one of the Weasleys suffer was a definite step in the right direction.
But Harry decided to call it a day and zapped himself as well.
After that drastic abbreviation of the year, she shouldn't have been surprised that the next dream was a messy vision of things constantly shifting and changing like viscous blobs of reality only half formed, trying to draw her in to bring them to completion. But so many of them were just icky.
There were way, way too many worlds where she or some other lovely young ladies were being sexually assaulted. And almost always by some of the ickiest people imaginable. Death Eaters. Yuck. Or Slytherins like Malfoy. Double Yuck. Didn't people realize that there hadn't been an attractive, non-sleazy guy from Slytherin since 1946?
But that wasn't the worst of it... sometimes one of those soulless gingers was the rapist. Usually Ron for some reason. Luna always kind of imagined the supposedly straight-laced Percy would be the more likely candidate. He had to be hiding some dark secrets, other than his obsession with bureaucracy and meaningless minutiae.
She supposed that he could be a serial killer instead. That was actually less horrifying to think about.
Regardless, she pressed on, trying not to let the ickiness bring her down as she waited for the dreams to end so she could see if Harry got closer to his goal.
Following her tracking spell, she saw him chatting up the wonderfully curvy and vivacious Susan Bones on the train back to school. Luna couldn't really fault Harry for his choice- Susan's boobs put even Lavender Brown or Fleur Delacour to shame. She still probably would have preferred Parvati though. I mean, come on, TWINS!
But Harry and Susan got along fabulously and the night of the Yule Ball was as romantic and smutty as could be. Their celebration after his daring 'rescue' of her during the second task of the tournament was also wonderful.
There were only two problems. Harry was still a virgin. And then he found out about a marriage contract with Susan.
Luna wanted to cry over how badly Harry handled that situation. Susan was nuts about him and he could have easily just gotten her a ring, said 'let's do it' and they could have been boning for the rest of the year.
But no. He just had to get all upset.
Yes, yes, I know. Harry didn't like the idea of being bound to some contract without any knowledge or approval. Luna understood that. He was also still clearly having trouble dealing with some of his past. The paranoia and building cynicism, it all fit with the nonsense of his life. But still- he could have been shagging Susan day and night.
Luna's frustration was abated by the third task of the Triwizard Tournament. Luna thankfully always had a book with her in case things got boring (the current one being about the best and worst foods to use in the bedroom) so she wasn't bothered when Harry sat down to read and ignored the maze. When it was over and he was declared the winner, she was very glad to have waited and watched because Harry pissing all over the headmaster's fuschia robes was the funniest thing she had ever seen. She nearly passed out laughing so hard.
After that, she followed him closely for the next couple of days. Projectile vomit all over the ferret boy. A perfectly placed kick into Ronald's bollocks that left him weeping. Even Luna felt that one. She cradled her imaginary twin brother's balls but grinned.
Harry having the audacity to try the old 'wake Sleeping Beauty' trick on Fleur Delacour was brilliant. Sure, it didn't work- but it meant that he had slipped that much further from his old much less wacky self. There was hope for him.
The next couple of things, though, showed that there was also some darkness creeping in. The multiple murders via lightning storm had been a step in this direction, but poisoning Trelawney was interesting. It was the first time that she could remember Harry taking his vengeance out on that wicked servant of Fate. That was definitely a good thing.
But then she watched as he tortured Snape. It was vicious and beautiful. The only thing Luna would have added is that she really wanted to see if his greasy hair was as flammable as it seemed.
She knew the next dream would be coming soon after that, as Harry poisoned himself and left behind an amusing note, outright flipping off Fate herself. Luna cheered out loud. And she got a bunch of nasty looks. She would later realize that people must have thought she was cheering over Harry's corpse. Oh well, it didn't matter in the long run.
Luna's next dream began with Harry joining her in the Runes class once he wised up to what a waste Divination was. He had to catch up with a younger year's class but only briefly as it turned out he was a true prodigy. But they had formed a friendship by then, so it was all good in the long run.
Using Runic magic, Harry accomplished all sorts of things. Stuff with movie projectors, Herbology breakthroughs with Neville, smelting with the goblins, etc. He even made a costume for an alter-ego to strike terror into the hearts of Death Eaters. And a wicked super-magical scythe as well.
While all that might have been nice, the most important things were how he became fuck buddies with Fleur Delacour before eventually falling for Luna. There wasn't quite enough smut for her taste, but the threesome in Paris more than made up for that. Luna had an imagination after all.
Ignoring the plot, the idea of Harry having some secret awesome talent was interesting to think about. Luna herself had a couple- not only was she one of the kinkiest witches around but she could do all sorts of things with her toes. Writing, painting, even casting several spells. Plus, she could lick her own elbows.
Sadly, she was barely passable with the ping pong ball trick, no matter how much she practiced.
She awoke back in her bedroom yet again and sighed. The ping pong balls on her night table were mocking her.
She also sighed about poor Tigerman. For some reasons plagiarists just loved ripping off his version of things. 'It was probably the choices for leading ladies,' Luna thought to herself with a smile.
Then she decided to go check on Harry. He might be feeling a bit odd after all the chaos he had caused before killing himself.
She was happily surprised to see him merrily poisoning his awful relatives. Intrigued, she followed along as he eventually went through a huge stack of betrothal offers that he had only recently found out about. Luna wondered if her mum and dad had sent one in with her name on it. She might have to backdate a forgery if not.
Luna tried to read all the names as Harry searched through them, and she was overjoyed when she saw him select the one for Daphne Greengrass. Harry's good taste in ladies was on a roll now. It had been something like four or five dimensions since he had slipped the noose of the evil Weasleys.
Harry giving himself a makeover was a nice surprise as well. Especially since she watched it all, thus getting to perv off. Luna was going to have to research why her tracking charm from several loops ago was still going strong.
Following him on the train was eye-opening. She wouldn't have thought he had it in him to ruthlessly wipe out several little Death Eater spawn in cold blood. Very promising. If Dumbledore had ever had to watch himself get raped by some of those sleazy bastards, he wouldn't have been so addicted to that nonsense about redemption.
Things were even better as she watched Harry with Daphne. His thoughts were very amusing when she asked 'why me' and he went through several ideas in his head before just kissing her. Luna's curiosity was piqued by the question of whether the curtains matched the drapes- her own were closer than some girls she'd seen over the years, but she thought it could be a fun way to experiment with color changing charms.
But she broke from her ruminations when it was time to follow Harry around the train. As he stopped and sighed while looking at Parvati, Luna's plans were shifted just a couple of lanes over. It could still work, but Harry was going to need more work. Who would think that a somewhat nutty time traveler with all the power in the world and no need for worries about consequences could still be such a softy.
It was, in a strange way, romantic. She'd kind of like to dream about a Harry and Parvati love story now.
The year at school got off with a bang as Harry goaded Snape into a duel and then killed him with his own dark magic. Fitting. And it turned on Daphne, which really excited Luna. Harry too.
They were soon a fixture in the broom closets of the school before Harry led the way to the Room of Requirement, and they explored even more of each other's bodies. Luna strongly approved because Daphne was smoking hot. And even better, Harry finally figured out how to use pareseltongue during oral sex!
Luna had to run off into an empty room, throw up sound deadening charms and scream Hallelujah over and over again.
It happened a few weeks later. She should have known better than to take a night off, but she was feeling particularly crampy and had run out of chocolate. The next morning when she saw Harry whistling as he walked down the hall (when did he learn to whistle?) they finally renewed their friendship and she learned that he had scored with Daphne.
That lucky bastard.
Luna and Harry walked and talked together, and she got introduced to Daphne, but it looked like a threesome wasn't going to be in the cards any time soon.
But that didn't mean that Harry couldn't hang out with Luna, although Daphne was just as arrogant and authoritative as one might expect from a spoiled rich pureblood. Luna's reputation as a weirdo was a strike against her, for once in a way that actually mattered. On the one hand, it was kind of hot the way Daphne got all snobby and looked down on her. She didn't go all the way to resting bitch face- that was more reminiscent of Pansy Parkinson- but it was still something of a turn on. Luna asked Harry about it once privately and he agreed. When Daphne got in one of those moods he totally wanted to fuck her even more.
It was nice that he and Luna had that in common. But they had to hide their friendship a bit just so Harry's sex life wouldn't suffer too much.
They compared notes about what all they had been doing over the years, and for the most part they had been learning very different types of magic. Harry had focused for awhile on things that could help him with violence and bloodshed, which was understandable. Not having to worry so much about that type of thing, Luna had researched all sorts of magic. It was almost surprising that they hadn't bumped into each other on any of the trips they had both been making into the restricted section over the many iterations of that one year.
Luna had worked on all of the mind arts. Not just Legilimency and Occlumency. Those were simple. She was currently focused on astral projection, and it came naturally to her. True telepathy was next on her list, but she thought that a boost in magical power could help.
Harry offered to help with that. He had felt a lot more powerful after the magical bonding ritual that he had done with Daphne.
It was a nice offer, but Luna did not want to be the second girl he slept with. Third or seventh would be much better, numerologically or something. Fifth would do in a pinch. It confused him, but Luna was firm. She asked who he was planning on romancing the next time through, and Harry frowned in the cutest way. He was so happy and content with Daphne at the moment that it threw him for a loop.
Luna suggested Parvati, since she knew how much he had enjoyed his time with her. Plus, Luna thought she was really hot and wanted to see more of the two of them together. Harry cheered up at that idea. He was still carrying a torch for Parvati.
He decided to bow out of the tournament that year. He didn't want to chance anything that could spoil all the time he was spending with Daphne. Luna decided to help.
A week before the foreign students were set to arrive, they sneakily followed Barty back to his quarters. That nonsense about Moody's magical eye being able to see through Death's own invisibility cloak was so not true. No one could see through it. Once Luna convinced Harry of this fact, reality followed along, neatly erasing that stupid plot hole.
They were snuggled nice and close under it though, as both were nearing their final adult height, and Luna was pleased by how cuddly Harry was. She had worried that he might need some more time to get used to things like hugging, but thankfully all the girls he'd been wooing over the repeated year had helped get him to move beyond his earlier issues with physical contact.
Now, Crouch was much less paranoid once he got the locking charm on and started running a bath. Wearing a magical prosthesis that he didn't need was probably the worst part of his assignment. Being a gentlewoman, Luna let Harry go first. She hadn't suffered because of this piece of shit after all.
He began by conjuring a piece of rope and strangling Crouch while in the tub. Luna looked on and cheered, while also throwing in a few comments about Crouch's masculine inadequacy. It really was small. Sure, the strangulation probably wasn't helping, but still. Maybe that's what drove some of those creeps to becoming Death Eaters? Teeny little willies. If only they were muggles, they could have bought sports cars instead.
Before Harry went too far though, Luna stunned Crouch and asked for Dobby to come help. Now that she was in cahoots with Harry, Dobby was willing to do pretty much anything she asked, especially after Luna explained that she was going to help Harry become the greatest and most powerful wizard in the history of the world. The crazy little guy was very much in favor of that.
Dobby was perfect for getting the imposter dressed, which would not have been fun to do by hand. And Dobby's sense of fashion made it even better since he put Crouch in one of Professor Vector's skirts (which was a nice fit actually), a hideous orange Weasley sweater stolen from Ronald, and one of the headmaster's silliest hats.
But absolutely no socks. He wasn't worthy of wearing socks. That was very serious business with Dobby.
Luna understood. Not having to worry about missing footwear during the Scottish winters was a nice change compared to her first time around.
No longer naked, they went for round two with Crouch. For Luna's turn, she put on a rather formal skirt and blouse combo, low heels, and a pair of reading glasses perched on the end of her nose, with her hair up in a loose bun. She pretended not to notice as Harry was blatantly gawking at her. Sometimes it was nice to be appreciated.
She also had a wooden ruler in hand. It was time for a lecture about why becoming a psychotic terrorist was a bad career move and why Crouch should have chosen to be a seamstress instead.
He probably would have been screaming at her about raping, torturing, and murdering her, but Harry had kindly placed a powerful Confundus charm on the Death Eater. Turn about was fair play.
Instead, Barty tried to argue that, as a male, he would have been a tailor instead of a seamstress. He got three sharp raps on his hands for his impertinence.
The lecture continued with hints for better hygiene, dental care, and a more balanced diet. It only took two more visits from Mr. Ruler to get him to start agreeing with Professor Lovegood.
By the time she got to the grand finale, Crouch was eagerly agreeing that he should have chosen better when he graduated from minion school. Fu Manchu would definitely have given him the chance to have cooler facial hair. Or any, actually.
He wept with praise for her teaching ability and promised to do better next time.
That meant it was Harry's turn again. He wasn't feeling nearly as nice (or silly) as Luna. He cast the Imperius curse on Crouch.
First, he made Barty hit himself in the groin over and over. Luna was surprised that a guy would do that, but Harry did have years... well, really one year x eight-ish... whatever, he had a lot of resentment towards the Moody impersonator. Once he got enough of that, he made him gouge out his own eye.
"Tough but fair," was Luna's grade. "Vicious but understandable" had been the score for the testicular pain. She requested a bit more creativity for Harry's next trick.
And he actually blew her mind.
With Dobby's help, Harry had stolen a number of books from Dumbledore's office and he had learned all sorts of things about soul magic. He smirked as he mentioned how much more useful that would have been than the retarded 'history lessons' about Riddle from his sixth year- all of which could have been witnessed in a couple of hours in one night if Dumbledore had actually wanted to get things done instead of dragging the plot out for months on end.
Luna muttered about pacing issues to herself, but she knew better than to interrupt someone when they had a full head of steam on a righteous rant of indignation. Plus, soul magic was not something that she had thought about. Now she was picturing herself all in black while she learned Necromancy and created her very own army of the undead.
When Harry got to the nitty gritty, it turned out that he had learned nine different spells that could damage someone's soul (as well as four that could heal one) in all sorts of funny ways. She really hoped she could get to see the one that involved karaoke, fruitcake, and tequila. That sounded like a night that would be impossible to remember.
The one that he decided on was called the 'bait and switch' method. A spell that sounded suspiciously like pig latin was followed by an interesting process in which Harry would give Crouch something he enjoyed, like a sip of gin, before swapping it with something he loathed, like a sip of his own urine. The transfiguration involved was impressive, but then Harry admitted that he had practiced by making Ron miserable at meal times over and over again.
It was payback for the years of hideous table manners. And Ron was the perfect target, as he was apparently physically unable to stop eating.
Luna grinned with delight at this, especially as she immediately resolved to some day force Ronald to play the role of Mr. Creosote.
Harry's further rounds of bait and switch included things like a backscratcher that turned into an animated cat o'nine tails with some really wicked barbs, a soft, warm pair of bunny slippers that became carnivorous and ate three of Crouch's toes, and a naughty charm designed to make masturbation feel like receiving a blow job... only for that spell to be twisted into a castration curse.
Harry lost points for a second groin attack with judge Luna, but he didn't seem to care. Before Crouch could bleed out, he 'kindly' cauterized the wound.
Luna asked if she was going to get another chance to play once Harry was done.
He finished with a cotton swab to help relieve earwax related itchiness that shifted into a pencil and left Barty the victim of a pseudo-lobotomy. He was still alive though, so Luna forced Harry to budge over while she still could. She then forced him to drink glass after glass of pumpkin juice.
Harry asked why that was so mean and Luna went off on a rant about how 'pumpkin' flavor was really just a combination of things like nutmeg, cinnamon, ginger, and cloves and that it had nothing at all to do with actual pumpkins. Someone would have to be batshit insane to want to drink pumpkin juice even once, let alone at every fucking meal.
Harry actually thanked her after a sigh of relief, so glad that he wasn't the only one. He had been drinking that nasty crap for years just because he wanted to fit in with all the magical kids who seemed to think it was amazing. Dobby had been providing him with a steady stream of things like Coke, root beer, tea, or just plain old water ever since he got stuck in this loop and remembered how the house-elves could do things like that. He'd also been having omelettes all term.
Dobby offered to help make miss Luna's meal times better and quickly became Luna's second favorite person at Hogwarts.
As Crouch started to leak more from his various wounds, he eventually was unable to guzzle any more pumpkin juice and collapsed in a heap. Dobby got rid of the mess for them and then Harry decided to be nice for a change and let Mad-Eye out of his magical chest.
But, he also hit him with an Imperius curse and made the old auror promise to teach him and Luna every nasty spell he could think of for the rest of the year. Luna added in 'any sexual spells as well,' and surprisingly Moody nodded that he could do that as he had learned a lot from his relationship with a succubus.
Harry was left dumbfounded while Luna broke down in happy tears.
The rest of the year was a lot of fun, as Harry happily continued his relationship with Daphne. Luna asked to borrow Hedwig and sent a magical pipe bomb to Riddle manor. The wacky tobaccy that it conjured got Pettigrew so high that he forgot to care for the Dark Lord's creepy little homunculus thing. It nearly starved to death. The traitor got the munchies and was just about to go out for snacks when the snake decided it was hungry too. But the Wormtail entree wasn't enough, so it finished with a crunchy little dessert. Being devoured by his own horcrux destroyed Riddle for good.
And for some reason it turned Nagini into a Korean lady. I don't understand that one either. Seems pretty silly. Especially when she tried to slither on the floor...
But back to our regularly scheduled story:
Luna and Harry (and Daphne) for the most part had a very fun, relaxing year. Luna slowly eased Harry into more torment for Ron, but she didn't want to push too far just yet. Explaining the whole evil soulless ginger conspiracy, and how the Weasleys were trying to devour all of magical Britain, that would have to wait until Luna was sure that he had been properly un-brainwashed.
By the time the year was coming to an end, Harry invited Luna to come round when they started over and she could help him with creating another horrible fate for the Dursleys. He really was a sweet and thoughtful guy. Things like this were why Luna loved him so much.
That and all the sex he unknowingly had in front of her.
She slipped into her dreams again, and this time things were reminiscent of the first time Harry had to gone to school to learn how to avoid his 3.4 yearly brushes with death. Sadly, that meant that Luna didn't appear until his fifth year again. But there were a lot of little differences.
Harry, for example, was all wrong. Not only was he the shortest kid in his class, but his eyes were blue. He looked cute enough, other than that, but it just wasn't the same Harry she knew and loved. Harry had green eyes and he wasn't a midget.
Ronald, unfortunately with a starring role, still had that same eminently-punchable semi-retarded look on his face all the time. He was shorter too though.
Hermione, on the other hand, was a lot different. While still a bossy know-it-all, her flaws were mostly written out or at least lessened. Plus, she was... well... a total fox. Definitely not the plain girl that Luna was used to. And she was almost blonde in some of the later years, which was also really weird. Not to mention her hair generally being much more stylish- someone had been spending a lot more time in hair and make up than the real Hermione.
At least she didn't have huge boobs. That might have been a step too far. But it did help Luna understand why so many of those earlier dreams had Harry hooking up with her. Luna would be a lot more interested in threesomes with Hermione if she looked like that all the time. Which gave Luna a brilliant idea...
There were several bits left out as the story went on. She and Harry still had awesome chemistry though. And the girl playing her was lovely, even if she didn't have silver eyes. Luna still would have banged this other version of herself. In fact, she paused the movie during the Slug Club 'date scene' for an unscheduled erotic dream about herself with the other Luna and Harry all shagging themselves silly.
Once she went back to the old story though, she got to a thoroughly depressing end. Draco Malfoy had been neither crucified nor fed to a dementor but instead allowed to breed. It was horrifying beyond words.
Harry and Hermione were both devoured by the infinite maw of the Weasley clan, losing their souls and becoming ministry workers while married to those ginger love-potion monsters. They even looked odd and soulless.
Luna took a little cruel comfort in the fact that Ginny wasn't the fox that Luna was used to. It made it even more obvious that Harry had been dosed with amortentia.
At least the Ginny Luna knew was hot. Soulless and evil, but still hot. It was theoretically possible that Harry could have just been tricked by his cock the first time around, but Luna never knew a conspiracy that wasn't true unless it was covering up something even more sinister. The one big happy family of Weasley love-potioners made perfect sense.
And that led her to another part of her plans for the future. Saving all those other girls from the nasty bastards. Harry wasn't the only damsel to have been ensnared by them.
Luna awoke, got dressed, and apparated over to see Harry. He was just getting out of the shower, and she whistled appreciatively. Harry blushed. If he only knew how much more she had seen of him... on many, many occasions... it was still cute though.
They decided to practice their human transfiguration abilities on the evil muggles. Turning them into animals almost seemed too easy- the shifts into walrus, horse, and piggy came so quickly Luna could have sworn they were animaguses, er animagi?
Instead, they tried turning them into inanimate things for awhile. A trombone, a toaster, a teapot, and several other things that started with the letter t too. Once that got old, Harry suggested trying brute force alchemy. None of the Dursleys could be turned into gold, but they were able to change into copper, bronze, and lead. Pure carbon worked too, and that made Luna realize that they could create their own diamonds if they wanted.
But neither of them wanted to make the Dursleys into anything that would last, so eventually they levitated the trio out into the yard and transformed them back into their natural forms- three big piles of shit. The smell was awful, but Harry delighted in using them as fertilizer for his aunt's flowers that she was always so obsessed with.
That business taken care of, Luna invited Harry to come to the Quidditch World Cup with her and her dad. Xeno had a story planned that he needed to research- word had reached him that at least one of the Irish team had some Siren blood and could potentially use her abilities to screw with the Bulgarians during the upcoming final match.
Luna was interested in getting a look at her to see if it was someone to recruit for the harem she was planning.
Harry just wanted to not have to go with the Weasleys. His blonde friend did a little happy dance behind his back about the fact that he seemed to be completely over his association with the Red Menaces.
She also reminded him about Parvati, so they went back to the family lawyer- Sam something or other- and got out the pile of betrothal offers. Luna helped look through it, in part making a list of her own. Sure enough, there were three different offers from the Patils- one for each girl and one for both of them at the same time. Now, Luna would have leapt at that, but Harry didn't really know Padma and he was still... not soft, but... thoughtful. Yeah, thoughtful, that's what Luna was going with. She suggested that he get to know Padma while romancing Parvati. For the glorious future.
"Just imagine it Harry- the Room of Requirements with a giant bed and mirrors on all the walls and ceiling while you and I each ravish one of the Patil twins. If that doesn't get your motor running, then something is seriously wrong with you."
"That's what I wanted to hear."
"But I still think I should get to know Padma a little bit more first."
"Le sigh." Luna patted him on the shoulder even as Harry blushed. "If you weren't so damn cute, sometimes your sweet nature would really annoy me."
"You do remember that I've killed and castrated multiple people, right?"
"Sleazy guys like Snape and Dumbledore don't count, Harry."
"Dumbledore? I mean, yeah, he has done some pretty questionable shit, mostly to me, but I've never thought of him as sleazy."
"Harry, I know this is going to be hard to talk about, but I want you to know that you can tell me anything. Even about what the nasty old headmaster might have done to you on the many occasions when he called you up to his office."
Harry gasped and struggled for a response.
"It's not your fault, Harry. He is an evil old man who was trying to lure you to the dark side of the Greater Good of him wanting to have sex with you and Snape at the same time. It's all so clear now. Why else would he never stop that evil bastard from all his petty bullshit while he tormented students over the years? And you in particular. Clearly, Dumbledore was grooming you. As a submissive masochist apparently. I'm just glad we've gotten you to break free from his manipulations."
"Luna, sweetie, I promise that the headmaster never did anything inappropriate with me."
"Everything he's ever done with you was inappropriate!" Luna yelled. Harry looked on thoughtfully while she explained. "First, he had you kidnapped from Sirius. Highly illegal, and it ruined both your lives. Plus, school headmasters are not in charge of where orphans go to live. Not to mention that Hagrid should have been the last person he sent to protect you- there were dozens of Death Eaters still on the loose, all of whom were more than a match for someone with only a couple of years of schooling and a broken wand hidden in an Umbrella. And the fact that Hagrid couldn't keep a secret to save his life.
"Then he did nothing at all to make the Dursleys act like decent people, other than blocking your mail and making your residence a state secret. Why else did you never get fan mail? You were the most famous boy in the magical world, Harry. Not just in the UK. No one has ever, in all of magical history, survived the killing curse before. You clearly weren't paying attention to that stack of betrothal offers, but many of them were from all around the world. There were three Japanese princesses in there Harry! Have you ever had sex with an actual princess before? Because I haven't!"
"Well, Daphne was sort of like a princess."
"Just being spoiled, rich, and gorgeous isn't the same thing."
"Are you sure? I think it was close enough for me. I can totally see her dressed up as Cinderella. Or, um... which other princesses were blonde?"
"Sleeping Beauty was," Luna suggested. "But I think we've already got Fleur in that role, right?"
"You saw that?"
"It was a nice idea, even if it turned out to be a funny failure."
"As long as you laughed," Harry shrugged.
"Don't worry, Harry. I foresee you having sex with her one of these days. In fact, I foresee both of us having sex with her."
"At the same time?"
"Sure. Among other things."
"Okay." Harry scratched his chin. "Do you think the Patils will be at the World Cup? I'd really like to see Parvati again as soon as possible."
"They say you never forget your first time," Luna said fondly, throwing an arm around Harry's shoulders. "I understand. That night in the Room of Requirement was one of the hottest things I've ever seen. I damn near broke my cover to molest you both."
"Thanks, I guess."
"Don't worry, Harry. You and Parvati are a good match. It might be a good idea to pick up a ring first. Girls like that sort of thing, and I want you to have as much sex as possible."
"You've got to be the best friend in the world, Luna," he smiled. "In all those years, neither Ron nor Hermione ever would have said such a sweet thing to me. Hell, Ron probably would have sabotaged my attempts to score with a girl."
"I'm glad you're starting to see the truth. I'll even help you pick out a ring. Just remember the parseltongue trick, and believe me, any girl will be very happy in your bed from now on. That's one of the reasons I didn't approach you- I was really hoping you would figure that out and get some practice in before my first time."
"Oh." Harry ran his hand through his hair in that way that apparently drives all the girls crazy according to at least half a dozen of the alternate universes she's seen glimpses of. She was just happy to see him thinking something through for once. "Luna, I'm sorry. I'll make sure to try to make your first time amazing. I hadn't realized-"
"Don't worry about it, Harry. Most guys at Hogwarts are awful, and sadly most of the girls aren't nearly as bisexual as I am. There are very few of either that I would want to try to date. And you're the best friend I've ever had, so I always wanted it to be with you, even if we turned out to not be romantically compatible. I don't think that will be a problem though."
"That's good, I guess?"
"It is. Besides, I have plans for starting a harem that will make both of us very, very happy."
"Trust me, Harry. Just focus on having a lot of sex with Parvati while getting to know her sister so that one of these days we can have our foursome."
"Okay, sounds like a plan."
They did find the Patils at the World Cup, and Harry even sort of proposed to Parvati, down on one knee with a ring in a box and flowers and all sorts of mushy stuff. It was cute, and Luna squeed while Padma looked on with not quite as much happiness as she might have. Luna took note- it might be even easier to get both of them in bed. She kept that squee only in her mind though.
Interestingly, without Harry sitting there, Barty Crouch failed to steal a wand and was noticed, only to be arrested by an auror who was shockingly not incompetent. And two dozen of his fellow aurors kicked the Death Eaters in their arses when they tried to start a riot. There may or may not have been hundreds of 'accidental' curses sent at the terrorists too, as people woke up and realized they outnumbered them only something like 5,000 to 1 that night.
Draco Malfoy was going to be pouting about his daddy all year long. Luna almost wished she and Harry could figure out a way to seduce his mum too for double the torment. Narcissa was still a fox. And she did have resting bitch face... just like Pansy... maybe associating with the Malfoys caused that to happen? Everything was becoming clearer.
They stopped off by Mad-Eye Moody's house just before the school year. Surprise, surprise, the badass super auror wiped the floor with Wormtail and the little Dark Lord baby thing. Harry called off the snake by getting it distracted with a discussion in parseltongue about what sex was like for a snake.
Nagini admitted she'd never had any before. Harry promised to help find her a nice guy snake if she would just ditch the losers she had been with. It was an easy choice. Dobby popped both of them to Brazil, where they found Harry's old friend, the boa constrictor from the zoo, who had made it back to his home land.
Harry begged Dobby to take them back home immediately. Apparently, snake sexy talk really disturbed him.
With the Death Eaters and Riddle out of the way, the year was already looking up.
Luna helped Harry out on the train ride to school. She and Padma went for a walk together while Harry threw up all the privacy spells he had learned. By the time they came back, the doors were open again and the window too. Harry and Parvati were both sweaty and their hair was a mess but the smile on Parvati's face told Luna that Harry had remembered her suggestion.
A couple of nights later, the two lovebirds retired to the Room of Requirement. Luna was already there, with her best notice-me-not charm on the second bed, hidden off to the side and raised a few feet so she would have a good vantage point to watch.
Parseltongue turned Parvati into a screamer. Luna could hardly wait to find out what that was like for herself.
They then set up the magical bonding ritual runic circle thingy... Luna pondered the other uses for the sacrifice of a virgin's blood. None of them were as much good sticky fun as this one, but she did want to try out a couple of experiments.
Harry and Parvati were truly beautiful together. Not just their bodies, although those were quite yummy, but Luna could see the way they really cared about each other. Harry had probably loved Daphne, as much as he was still learning about what love was after all these years, but there was a fondness and sweetness to the way he and Parvati interacted that was just adorable.
It kind of made it hard to masturbate while watching them, though.
They had a soft glow as they made love that first time, and even to a cynical nut like Luna, she couldn't just call it sex or shagging. Thankfully, it wasn't any of that soul-bond nonsense because the lack of privacy would be awful, but this was their magic reacting to each other, entwining and joining them.
The best parts of the ritual to Luna seemed to be the practical aspects- much less pain for the girl, both of them getting a boost to their magical power- but Harry probably would have said otherwise. He and Parvati were just a good match that way. Once again, Luna thought that she would like to see more of that in the alternate universes she kept dreaming of.
The smiles on their faces when they were done were completely sincere. They laughed and talked in the afterglow, and Parvati's giggle as Harry lost his erection and slid out of her was so cute...
Luna got dressed and slipped out of the Room of Requirement when they began to go again. It wasn't what she had expected, but she knew that it was probably a good thing in the long run.
She would just have to use her imagination when she got back to her dorm.
Hopefully she wouldn't forget the silencing charm again. That was embarrassing every time it happened.
Thankfully, Parvati wasn't jealous over Harry's friendship with Luna. But the couple did want to spend a lot of time together, so in order to do some magical experimenting without his girlfriend there, Harry stopped going to Divination. Parvati had been miffed for a moment until he told her that she was better at that sort of thing than he ever would be (which was true, Parvati was at the top of their year and Trelawney adored her) and that he would help her with any of her other classes if she just let him have some time for other 'special projects.'
Those special projects were mostly things that he and Luna were thinking of how to further break reality. Since his magic was so much more powerful, they started working on him learning some truly epic spells. They would help with Harry's coming trip through the Triwizard Tournament.
Now, why was he going to be in it? Partially, Luna wanted to see if they could come up with some ridiculous things to do during the three tasks. Both of them were also inclined towards spending more time around Fleur, although Harry at least kept it in his pants- he really did care about Parvati- but he was only human and looking at a goddess made flesh was more than he could resist. Luna cast a tracking charm on Fleur and took to peeking in on her in the bath at least once a week.
But the main reason was because Harry wanted Parvati to have an amazing time at the Yule Ball. Walking in on his arm like a princess would give her a huge thrill. Parvati had a bit of an ego- don't we all- and Harry knew how much she would love the attention (and jealousy) of other girls. She was still smirking every time someone looked resentfully at her diamond ring.
He was fine with all that. Especially as he knew that the night would end with the two of them back in the Room of Requirement, shagging till dawn. Parvati was a total minx, and Harry knew exactly how appropriate it was that she was named after the Hindu goddess of love and fertility.
But before any of that could occur, Harry had to get through the first task.
Also known as Luna plays with a dragon.
"Are you sure about this Luna?"
She shook her head. Harry could still be such a worrywort.
"If not for the dark reputation of the spell, you could just use the Imperius curse, which you already know. And you've seen plenty of times how powerful that is."
"This is basically the same spell, just with a different set of letters. You've practiced it, you know it works fine. Remember the manticore?"
"Yeah. How did your dad get that thing past customs?"
"Magic, Harry. Duh," Luna sighed. "Now concentrate. Remember, if all else fails, that Dire Winter charm will cower the dragon and anything else."
"You made sure Parvati had her coat, right? I don't want to piss off my girlfriend. Er, fiancee?"
"Either would be an appropriate term. Honestly, to someone who followed the old pagan ways, you could even call her your wife."
"Right, well, the point is that I want her to be happy, no matter what type of magic I use."
"Don't you trust me by now?"
"Sure, I just..." Harry looked down and mumbled to himself. "Look, the truth is, she told me she had these massage oils, and she was going to make sure I was fully healed up after things, so..."
"So you're hoping for something like that first night you spent in the Room of Requirement with her. I got it. Just don't worry so much. You have to realize that I want you to have that happy ending tonight too."
"Okay. And you're sure about-"
"Just get out there already."
Luna gave him a shove and Harry was once again face to face with the Hungarian Horntail. He grumbled for a moment, not that anyone heard over the roaring dragon. Luna was smirking at him from her seat next to Parvati and Padma. Dobby was doing whatever she wanted now, so of course he popped her right to the stands. We couldn't have her miss the show!
The dragon bowed deeply to Harry before he even lowered his wand. Giggles in the Slytherin section of stands told Harry that Luna had lied to him. It had worked on ferret face too. Dammit.
He took several steps forward as the dragon bowed its head to the ground. Harry gave it a scratch behind the ear as he walked on and headed for the nest. He pulled out the golden egg and went back around to the dragon's face.
The massive reptile looked like it was smiling at him. The audience was quiet, probably awestruck, but several girls were cheering for him so Harry looked up and winked at Parvati as he raised his trophy.
The crowd went wild at that, and even wilder as the dragon nudged him forward and then slid its head under his feet. Before Harry knew what was happening, he was sitting on its neck and being lifted towards two of his favorite girls.
There was a deep rumble that he felt as much as he heard, and somehow he just knew that it meant 'mate.' Either Harry was becoming telepathic (which would annoy Luna to no end) or the dragon was speaking parseltongue. That or Harry had learned draconic, if there was such a thing.
Harry hopped off and Parvati threw her arms around him and kissed him to wild applause. When they pulled back, both smiling, Harry turned to Luna.
"May I?" she asked and he nodded. Parvati looked like she was going to protest- she didn't want to kiss Luna- but then the little blonde was climbing on top of the dragon and they lifted off into the sky.
"Woohoo! Eat your heart out, Hagrid!"
Malfoy was forced to do anything Harry said for the rest of the year. Apparently, there was no known counterspell.
Considering Luna had made the damn thing up, that wasn't too surprising. But she had a new pet, so what did she care if Harry was slightly inconvenienced whenever he had a class with the Slytherins?
Harry got his night of sensuous massage with Parvati anyway- just to make sure he hadn't strained anything- so he was very happy.
The night of the Yule Ball ended up similarly amazing. Luna had to miss out on that though, as she went home for Christmas. She had probably perved off enough for awhile. Xeno wanted to interview the Horntail too.
Harry took his girlfriend along to the Prefects' bath to check on the egg. He might have known that the message was always the same, but it was a chance for some really fun sex in a different location, and by the time they were sneaking back to their dorms well after midnight, Harry had sworn to himself that whenever he had his own home, he was going to have an indoor swimming pool like that.
Before the second task, Luna taught Harry another new spell- this one she called a mind link- so that she could warn him if Gabrielle Delacour needed to be rescued again. Harry asked if that was even necessary- the hostages weren't in any real danger, were they?
Luna said that she had seen several different universes where Gabrielle could have problems, due to her Veela heritage and not dealing well with being submerged in an icy Scottish loch during winter. Or because of the more insane-sounding secret Veela/Mermaid wars that dated back to the twelfth century.
Harry was never more tempted to call Luna out for being nuts after he heard that. But she was his best friend, and he wasn't really the picture of mental health himself, so he bit his tongue.
When that February day rolled around, Luna looked prophetic. No matter what, every damn year, Fleur ran into 'ze grindylows' and never made it to her sister. Harry was a sucker for cute little blondes, so he rescued Gabrielle when Luna contacted him through the mind link spell to let him know what had happened yet again.
Dobby was waiting when they got back with nicely hot and fresh towels, so he snuggled in with Parvati even as she glowered at Fleur for kissing Harry's cheeks in thanks for rescuing her sister.
His murmur in Parvati's ear that she was the only one for him got Harry so fucking lucky that night. He could barely walk the next day.
Luna had made sure they both knew the bubblehead charm inside and out, so she started visiting the merpeople once the weather had warmed up. She bothered Harry about it the second time too, because she had found that she wasn't powerful enough to use Dominate Monster on the giant squid yet.
Once he had charmed the beast for her, Luna was underwater more often than not for the spring term.
Harry was winning by a lot of points by the time the third task came around. It was that damn maze again. As soon as the rules were clarified, he conjured up his new best friend- a flame thrower.
The hedges seemed to be shrieking as he burned his way straight to the cup. He almost ran into a sphinx along the way, but she took one look at the grinning pyromaniac and flew away. It sounded almost like "screw this" as she disappeared into the night sky.
Harry won before Fleur even got to set foot into what remained of the maze. He and Parvati celebrated the night away, and Luna followed along disillusioned. They were much more likely to get up to something more kinky at times like that, so she was not going to miss it.
Sadly, that meant the end of the year had come around again, and Harry looked wretched as he watched Parvati leave the train station with her family.
"Cheer up, Harry." Luna physically turned him to her. "You'll be with Parvati again one of these days. Now we have something very important to do before you die or fall asleep."
"We're going to have sex."