Author's note: told from Carter's point of view, with interruptions in italics from his friends. I am fond of the works of Doctor Seuss...
Oh...the places they've gone, and the things they have seen
To regard this adventure as simply routine...
I have a tale to tell!
A tale of what adventures fell
On Newkirk, and on me as well!
So...Colonel, Kinch, LeBeau...I'll tell
My story, if you gather round,
While Newkirk's sleeping. Hush...no sound...
And once you've heard, you'll understand
How nothing really went as planned...
Right, settle down,
Now...how to start?
My pal and I have played our part
In every mad and harebrained scheme;
And plots which folk would never dream,
If not a member of this team.
Excuse me Colonel, but it's true!
The capers which you put us through;
We only do
Because of you!
When work appeared,
We've blown up bridges, unpicked locks,
Worn Nazi uniforms and frocks;
And now we had to wind up clocks,
And play our part to help outfox
The enemy, the wily foe.
And Newkirk was quite keen to go;
His grumpiness was just for show;
It always is, as well you know,
As all of you quite clearly know.
In basic black, and stealthily,
We headed off to barracks three.
For safety's sake, we had to crawl,
Which Newkirk did not like at all;
In fact he swore,
Quite deftly swore.
His knees were sore,
He swore some more...
We made it to the barracks door,
And reached the shadows just before
The searchlights swept across the ground.
We stayed in shadows, made no sound.
With all those searchlights sweeping round,
We had to duck.
Boy, just our luck!
Till sudden inspiration struck,
And Newkirk elbowed me and gazed
At hut foundations, panel raised;
A hidden route! I stared amazed.
And crawled through dust.
Both filthy now, Newkirk and I,
We made it through.
A piece of pie!
"Of cake! Of cake!
For pity's sake!"
Now Newkirk's wide awake!
"I really 'ave no bleedin' choice,
But listen to your cheery voice!"
Anyway, that bit was done
But really, we had just begun...
The next apparent complication;
Tackling the delousing station...
Newkirk, with no hesitation,
Used his skills from long-past crime
And picked the lock in record time.
We scooted in, and crossed the floor,
And passed the chemicals in store;
Past memories of skin scrubbed raw;
And reached the other side, and saw
Klink's quarters, by the pale moonlight.
But each searchlight
Was far too bright
To let us get there, out of sight.
We timed the beams, moved rapidly;
We did not have much time, you see,
Before they set the guard dogs free.
Although LeBeau, quite expertly,
Had tamed the hounds successfully,
We might be mauled mistakenly.
" And one mutt 'as it in for me!"
"Ah, oui, Pierre, alas, that's true
He has not learned to trust you, too."
Another set of locks to pick,
Which Newkirk managed, pretty quick.
He's really good at picking locks!
Then in to find those cuckoo clocks.
We had to search for every box.
We had to find and wind them all;
In closet, cupboards, drawers and all
Before the general came to call.
None in the office, none in the hall;
It took some time to find them all!
No easy task,
No, not at all!
Now, winding one, is just a breeze,
But we had many more of these
To find, unpack
Wind up, put back.
It took us ages, no mistake,
And really made our fingers ache.
But on we went, with much at stake.
At last, oh boy!
All done, such joy!
No chance to rest or celebrate,
I moved to leave, my pal said, "Wait!"
Then something which I can't translate.
My buddy heard a noise outside;
Heard Sergeant Schultz!
We had to hide.
I flung the bedroom window wide.
We jumped together, side by side.
My friend just...dropped...
One factor which we had not known;
Behind that building, overgrown,
There lay a hidden bank of stone;
So, though he'd left the room, ground floor
He'd rolled down twenty feet or more.
I'd missed the slope
I called as loudly as I dared.
I tell you, I was really scared.
"Aww, mate, I never knew you cared..."
A nasty fall,
No answering call.
I could not hear my friend at all!
I stumbled swiftly down the hill
To find him crumpled up, and still...
No sound, no motion, far too still...
"Oh... sacré chat!"
"Don't fret, LeBeau;
I'm indestructible, y'know."
I swiftly checked, a pulse was found,
And sat, relieved, upon the ground,
Then heard a kind of groaning sound.
He groaned a lot, whilst coming round.
I propped him up, quite near the fence;
At first he wasn't making sense...
"Plus ça change..."
"Oh, cheers, LeBeau;
To think my mate would stoop so low!"
I waited till his head was clear,
And worried that the guards were near
And whether they might find us here.
Though we were not defeated, no!
We still had quite a way to go...
We had a fairly lengthy wait,
Before my friend could sit up straight,
And all things ceased to oscillate.
A rapid scout;
I soon found out
What lay between our spot and home
And where the guards and dogs might roam.
I told my pal precisely where
We'd have to take the greatest care.
I did not have good news to share;
With gun emplacements over there,
I told him we would have to crawl,
Which Newkirk did not like at all.
He turned the air quite blue again,
Though well aware he cursed in vain.
We hunkered down while searchlights swept
The nearby fence, then moved and kept
Alert for signs of dog or guard.
To crawl through mud is really hard!
To crawl past guns is also hard.
At least we did not meet a guard!
And then, at last
The guns were passed.
All safe? Not yet;
The wires were set;
Electric warnings, don't forget.
"And me without a cigarette..."
Though barracks two
Was now in view
We still had quite a lot to do.
We'd have to jump the powered line;
No easy task if all was fine,
But Newkirk really wasn't fit;
And might just trip,
And might get hit.
I would not like that, not one bit!
"And nor would I, you soppy git!"
He briefly cursed,
And then went first
He stumbled..gosh, I feared the worst;
Then gathered speed a bit, and dived.
Against the odds, my friend survived!
My optimistic mood revived,
I followed on, once lights swept by
I judged my leap, let both feet fly;
We'd made it through, my friend and I!
Just one more obstacle remained.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained...
We had to hide till change of guard,
Before we crossed the barracks' yard;
And, boy, that final wait was hard!
We flattened down, till all was clear,
And checked that no patrol was near.
A rapid glance,
We took our chance!
We ran and ran and ducked down low,
And hoped no guardsmen saw us go
Across the yard and back to base.
We'd made it safely back to base!
You could not find a nicer place!
I sent for Wilson, just in case...
"I wondered why 'e showed 'is face!"
And now my friend
Is on the mend,
And this is where my tale must end.
Author's note 2:this is an expansion of an off screen adventure, described in the episode "The Antique". The 20 foot drop puzzled me, as I was not aware the quarters were so tall, so I have done a little landscaping...