I'm immortal!

Lord Voldemort was flying through the London backstreets. He was looking for some muggles to torment. It's been such a long time since he had some sport himself and as he knew from experience good sport all came down to picking the right victim.

Just as he was about to turn a corner he saw five youths cleaning a graffitied up wall with buckets and brushes. They were wearing bright orange overalls and were bickering loudly among themselves. One of the girls was speaking but her accent was so thick he had no idea what was being said. It mattered not, everyone understood the language of fear.

"Good evening." He said with his magically enhanced voice "I am lord Vol-"

Voldemort was expecting fear maybe even disgust for his new visage. But when they turned around mocking laughter was what he received.

"O my god what happened to you?" One of the boys said. Voldemort noticed that he had eyes eerily similar to the boy who lived. "You look like someone once pulled a condom over your head and your face stayed put! Like a balsac that's been going without emptying for far to long!"

The boy showed no hint of fear whatsoever. He strutted up to lord Voldemort and tried to touch his face.

"Don't worry I'm great at fondeli-"



"Oi you dickhead!" The unintelligible girl shouted. "That's my friend ya tasin!"

Voldemort looked up from is spot of torture and looked at the four misfits like he would something he found underneath his boot and, wait weren't there five of them?

Someone punched him in the face. Something invisible punched him in the face. He was knocked of his feet.

"Yeah, way to go Simon!"

"This is impossible how could a muggle disillusion himself so completely?"

"Oi, watch who you callin' a muggle you fockin' freak!"

Meanwhile the boy on the floor was trying to get up. "Ooooh fuck me that wasn't funny. I feel like I've been rootcanalled by a spastic…. all over my body"

"AVADA KADEVRA!" The insufferably insulting boy crumpled at his feet.

"Yes… See the power of Lord Voldemort. He who holds the power over life and death. Only I who went the furthest into the dark arts, though of course your pathetic muggle minds cannot possibly comprehend the-"

"Did he just call us muggle's again?"

"He's plannin' on killin' us. I saw it in his mind. Dick 's worse then Hitler."

"I already have you simpleton, gaze upon the corpse of your friend for he will never rise again! And how could you possibly read my mind when my occlumency shields are perfect."

Voldemort struck a dramatic pose raising his arms in the sky making his robe flap about in the wind.

"He uses his powers with that lil' stick."

And that was all the info that Nathan needed.

With a warriorcry of "I'M IMMORTAL!" he jumped up high and bit Voldemort in his hand forcing him to drop his stick.

"What is this!"

"I'm immortal!" Nathan grabbed the stick and spat "You do not taste like healthy person should taste." He threw the stick to Alisha who threw it to Kelly who threw it to Curtis who caught it deftly and broke it without hesitation.

"Trust me the world is better without it."

Lord Voldemort was livid "I shall destroy yo-"

Simon punched him in the face again

"How do you keep doing that?"

"I'm immortal!"

"Not you! And what's that smell?!"

"I appear to have shat myself again, some pee came out as well when you tased me." He said strutting around.

Voldemort accio'd Nathan and started to choke him. But once again Simon punched him forcing Voldemort to let go.

"I've had enough of this! Everybody's gonna d-"

Nathan was the one who punched him this time knocking him out.

"So that was weird right? What are we gonna do with condomman?"

"We should kill'm, prick really is worse then Hitlar."

"Yeah I agree. This fucker has to go." Curtis put in his two cents.

The crew raised their collective eyebrows but for once didn't bicker.


And so it was that Lord Voldemort found himself trapped with his own decomposing body in a skip. Al the rage in the world couldn't lift the lid.

Nobody in the wizarding world knew what had happened to him.