A long time ago, in a Galaxy far, far away...
The Galaxy was at war yet again.
This time, at the helm of the First Order's newest ship, the Dreadnaut, the captain was not Kabob Ren, rather General Chux.
"Fire when ready, gentlemen.." he
sighed, sipping from a glass of brandy. "Those poor, naïve rebels
won't know what hit them."
"Right away, sir." Said an officer.
"Yes, sir!" Said another one.
"You got it!"
It was nice to have his own crew of yes-men for once.
Most people disagreed with his ideas, like that one time...
"Don't even worry about the Resistance issue, supreme leader!" Said Kabob. "My best friend is
workin' on it as we speak!"
On board the Resistance base, came a lovely female pilot with long, red hair. She removed her helmet, everyone stared at...General Chux in drag?!
But they couldn't tell. Someone wolf-whistled in the background.
"Need me a freak like that." Said a Resistance member.
Just as he rounded the corner, Leia cocked a gun at him.
Chux did not make it out of the base without a few million scratches and bruises on his face and body.
But that was then and this was now.
Suddenly, a bunch of xylophone-like sounds came from the ship.
"WHAT IS THAT RETCHED-"
"You got a call from that Poe Dameron guy." Said an officer.
"Oh. Well don't just stand there y'idiot! PATCH THE MAN THROUGH!" The officer became
frightened and rapidly patched Dameron through to Chux.
"HELLOOO?" Came the voice of Dameron. "Poe Dameron speaking-the General has a message for Chux...from his mom!"
Every First Order member had a good laugh at that.
Except for Chux, of course.
"POE! TELL YOUR LITTLE PRINCESS THAT IM' BRINGIN'
DOWN A WORLD OF PAIN ON
THOSE REBELS!" Exclaimed Chux.
"THE RESISTANCE WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAI-"
"~~Yeah, that's great, but where's Chux? C-H-U-X? He's really tall,
ginger-haired, kind of a meat but
also kind of a "fruit" if ya know
what I mean? Any of that ring a
Chux was clearly not having it.
"THIS! IS! HE!" Exclaimed Chux.
"Ohhhh, wonderful!" Replied Dameron. "Listen, Chux, my homeboy, my main meat, there's
gonna be some changes around here, and they're starting riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-"
"He's stalling me, isn't he?" Said Chux to the officers and workers. They nodded.
At that moment, the resistance ships arrived and blew up the First Order ships. Poe Dameron flew by in his X-wing, piloted by the always-adorable GG-8.
Meanwhile, back on the main ship, the powerful General Leia Organic was feeling rather off lately.
Taking care of many a ship with a crew of thousands had begun to take a toll on her mental well-
She picked up a glass of Alderaanian spirits, one of the things found in the wreckage of her
old home all those years ago...
This was her home now; the confined spaces of the Resistance base. Rey, Finn, Poe, GG-8, Archie-pio, and R2 her family and friends.
Rey...oh, poor poor sweet, kind yet tough-as-nails Rey.
She simply HAD to find Cuke, Leia was going mad from not seeing her beloved brother, the brother that was best friends with...Bob.
Bob, her One and Only, the one that completed her, the one that loved her (and she knew it)...ripped from her non-existent hands by his and her own SPAWN!
Alas, the melancholy general picked up a photo of her beloved, reminiscing days gone bye.
"Wise men say,
Only fools rush
/"Bonjour!" Said the princess. "I
am Princess Leia Organic. And, who
ees zis andsome' red ma-"
"B-Bob S-Solo, your majesty...you're really pretty...I'm Bob Solo..."/
Leia chuckled lightly at the fond, hilarious memory of the "high and mighty" Bob being reduced to (quite literally) a vegetable over her beauty.
"But I can't help
Falling in love with
"You may now, kiss the bride." Said the reverend.
Bob adjusted his tux and dipped
Leia, her lovely white dress sweeping the ground.
Those few distant members on the Solo family blasted their laser guns
high into the air, a real "shotgun"
"Wise men say
Only fools rush in
But I can't help Falling in love with
Leia was seated on a hospital bed, shirtless, belly slightly distended
and covered with ultrasound goo.
She laid down when the doctor
told so, and waited with much tension as the ultrasound machine went over her abdomen.
Suddenly, the doctor looked at Bob, Bob looked at her, smiling.
"Well, Dear.." said Bob. "You should probably look.."
Leia gazed upward, and on the screen there was an adorable image that made her cry a little.
"Are you okay?" Asked Bob.
"These.." Leia started. "These are happy tears, honey!"
The fetus within her was strong and very healthy, and both husband and wife knew how beautiful life truly was that day.
"Shall I stay?
Would it be a sin?
I can't help
Falling in love with
Leia was lying on her back within the tall grasses of a field on Endor, a great pain in her non-existent uterus, everyone watching. She felt absolutely terrible; sweaty, in pain, hyperventilating, bloated with child, gazing at those eyes of the Rebellion watching.
"Na yub-ga ja!"* Said the Ewok
medicine man. "*Yub-nub a masala, ni ka mrghbhgrg a-yub ih la ja-"*
(*Okay, okay! do your breathing real slow, and imagine a nice, calm, waterf-*)
"AAAUGH!" Leia gave a shrill scream.
"N'ja la Marin-la Archie-p0!"* The Ewok medicine man exclaimed. *"RA-TA MA BOUJAKASHAKA!"*
(...Maker of the god, Archie-p0! I CAN SEE THE HEAD!)*
Everyone gazed closer to experience the "miracle of birth".
Then, small cries could be heard.
Cuke picked up the child, tied the umbilical cord, and removed the amniotic sac, swaddling the newborn tomato.
"It's a BOY!" He proudly declared.
"My nephew.." Cuke kissed the boy before handing him to Bob. Bob then assisted Leia to her feet, who
hugged her new precious gift of
Wedge Ant-hills smiled at Mon Mothma, who sighed and reluctantly gave him a twenty-dollar bill.
Meanwhile, the more alien members of the Rebellion did not know what to make of this.
"...Gross." Said Admiral Ackbar. "I'd prefer it if she was laying an egg."
"As a river
Gently to the sea
Darling, so it goes
Some things were
meant to be"
"Oh my GOSH!" Exclaimed Bob.
"HONEY GET THE CAMERA! HE'S
TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING!"
"Da...Da..." little Bob Jr. struggled.
"Come on, baby.." said Leia, once she arrived with the camera. "You can say it!"
"Da...…" Bob's son inhaled.
Leia and Bob looked at each other, and chuckled nervously. Then, they were absolutely paranoid.
"CUUUUKE!" Screamed both of
It seemed that Uncle Cuke had told Junior about his grandpa.
"Dawf Vewduwa..." Bob Jr. said.
"Take my hand
Take my whole life, too
But I can't help
Falling in love with
"Bye mom!" Said a now 6 and a half-year old Bob Junior, about to leave for Jedi school.
"Sweetie!" Leia held up a paper bag with "Bob" written on with a heart surrounding it. "You forgot your lunch!"
Bob Jr. levitated the paper bag with his newfound Lite Vinaigrette abilities. They were somewhat rocky, but it managed to get the bag closer to him.
"Thanks mom!" Said Bob Jr., happily.
Fourteen years later...
"I'm sorry, miss Solo." Said a rebel officer. "But we're afraid your son won't be coming home anytime
Leia could sense where he was.
Junior was practically broadcasting how awful he felt with his Lite-Vinaigrette.
"But I can't help
Falling in love with
Bob sneers at all those around him.
He laughs, maliciously...
There is no escape for those that survive...
Suddenly, Kabob's ship arrived, aiming at the main ship.
Leia braced for him to kill her.
Then suddenly, he stopped.
"Mommy?" Said Kabob.
He put down his weapon.
Glass shards and metal floated in the dense space of outer space.
Slowly, but horrifyingly, Leia drifted out with it!
As the beautiful yet terrifying vacuum of space was presented before her, she closed her eyes as she braced herself for death. She took a breath, and then slowly
pushed herself back into the ship,
opening the door and abruptly closing it, cheating death in a stunning way as she floated like a glorious space angel.
Then, she fell to the ground, unconscious. She was taken to the hospital that day, and many hoped she was not dead, especially Poe