"Alphabet", take 1
Quasi: Um…eternal damnation!
Frollo: Good. F?
Quasi: F-fruit loops?
Frollo (chokes on his wine for real): WHAT?!
Quasi: Oops. Sorry…I was hungry…
Frollo: And Fruit Loops didn't exist in medieval France. Quasi, if you have to screw up, can't you at least do it with more finesse?
Quasi: I was in a hurry and I didn't get breakfast this morning!
Director: Oh, for the love of…CUT!
"Alphabet", take 2
Quasi: Festival? I mean—forgiveness!
Frollo (drinking): This wine tastes…strange.
Quasi (slightly agitated): Don't worry about the wine, Master! Let's keep going with the alphabet. G is for gargoyles. H is for Hellfire.
Frollo: How dare you. (takes another drink, thoughtful facial expression) I can't figure out…why this tastes like this…
Quasi (quickly): Oh, I is for Ignoramus. That's me, right?
Frollo (words slurring): I don't think this is in the script… (passes out).
Quasi: Woo-hoo! It worked!
(Clopin comes charging onstage)
Clopin: Good job! Now we're going to put him in a dress and a jester hat and carry him around on a stretcher while he's unconscious! This will be the best Festival of Fools ever!
Director: Cut. Cut!
Clopin: Aww, man. Can't we include this scene in the movie?
Director: No, because Frollo's agent would give me hell over it. Wish I could, though.
(Quasi is dancing around Notre Dame. Steps on one of the snarling leopard gargoyles and it breaks.)
Director: I told you to avoid that one. It's the trick gargoyle that is supposed to break when Frollo falls off, remember?
Quasi: Oh. Right. I forgot.
Frollo: Why do I have to get the gargoyle that breaks? That is not fair.
"It's the Bellringer from Notre Dame!"
(Esmeralda yanks off an actor's mask)
(Esmeralda grabs Quasi's face, but accidentally pulls off the actor's mask!)
Crowd: That's not a mask, it's his face! Oh, wait, it was a mask.
Quasi: Seriously, guys, did you think that was my REAL face! Of course it's a mask! We're acting, geez!
Director (groans): Cut.
"Grope", take 1
Frollo (face in Esme's hair): Wow…that's soft. What shampoo do you use?
Esme: It's not the shampoo, it's the keratin treatments. Keratin works wonders, believe me.
Frollo: Soft…hair… (dreamily runs hands through her hair)
Director: Oh, just cut!
"Grope", take 2
Frollo: You think you've outsmarted me—gosh, your hands are cold!
Esme (under her breath, trying to stay in character): It is chilly in here…
Frollo: You poor thing. (spins her around to face him before pinning her in a bear hug) Warmer?
Esme (face stuffed in his robes): Mmph?
Director: Cut! …Frollo, you're being too cute. This scene is supposed to be creepy, ok?
"Grope", take 3
Frollo: You think you've outsmarted me…(reaches in her hair, pulls her earring out, "accidentally" drops is down the front of her shirt)…oh, my apologies, I am so clumsy. Let me get that for you…
Esme (shoves him away and steps back): Cool it, dude! Seriously!
Director: Ugh. Cut.
Frollo: You said that you wanted me to be more creepy!
Director: Yes, but we can't have you grabbing her boobs in a kids' movie!
"Grope", take 4
Frollo: You think you've outsmarted me… (Esme is squirming uncomfortably) …but HA! (shoves his hat over her face)
Esme (muffled): Mmph!
Frollo: Behold, the Evil Sinister Mind Control Hat! One of my favorite toys! Now, watch as your consciousness slips away and you become a mindless slave to do my bidding! (throws back head) MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Director: CUT! (sighs) Frollo, that was absolutely ridiculous.
Frollo: But I'm supposed to be a villain in a children's movie, and they always do stupid and cheesy things.
Director: Where are my aspirins?
"Grope", take 5
Frollo: Your Sun God just betrayed you, didn't he? You poor dear.
Esme (confused silence)
Frollo: You need some cheering up. You want to eat dinner with me?
Director: Cut! CUT! (groans) Frollo, are you even trying? If I didn't know better, I'd think you were messing up these takes on purpose.
Frollo: It is good that you know better.
Director: Wait…you are doing it on purpose, aren't you! (realization dawning on him) You want me to keep re-shooting so that you get to touch her again!
Frollo (getting angry): What's wrong with that? (explodes) I just went through a nasty divorce and I need somebody to cuddle! (breaks down in the floor sobbing) My heart (sniff) is broken (choke) and I need (sob) somebody to love me!
Esme (kneels down and puts her arms around him): There, there, you'll be ok. Tell you what, let's go get some ice cream after the shooting is over, ok? Ice cream works wonders for broken hearts.
Frollo (smiling through his red, blotchy face): Really?
Director: Frollo, maybe you should just take the rest of the day off to get yourself back together.
Esmeralda in the Belltower
Quasi: Would you like me to show you the rest of the bells?
Esme: We'd love that. Djali? (looks around) Djali? Oh, no, where did you go?
(Quasimodo turns around and sees Djali happily munching on his carvings)
Quasi: AAAAAAHHHHHHH! Those things took me ages to make!