A/N: Just got into FGO (though I have been reading fics about it and F/SN for a while now), got Altera 5* in the first week, Vlad ('Zerker) from GSSR, and Hokusai from New Year banner, all in less than a month. Suffice to say, I am hooked, even if some elements are a little archaic. Also, some elements will come from the manga 'Fate Grand Order -turas realta-'.

Also greatly inspired by revdb's 'Insane Gudako', goddessofshadows7212's 'Gudako and the Great Holy Grail War', and 'Untold Story: The Daily Life in Chaldea' by Axel yamamoto. Though quite different from all of them.


Gudako, the Supreme Master of Chaldea

Birth of Gudako

Today started great. She had become part of the forty-seven Masters Candidate of Chaldea, an organization created to prevent the fall of human history and order. It was supposed to be great.

That was until an explosion occurred and knocked her out cold.

When she regained her consciousness, all she could see was a sea of flame surrounding her. She tried to get up and escape, but soon realized she was trapped under something. Fortunately, she could still feel every part of her body, meaning nothing was broken – or so she hoped.

Even so, she had to think of a way to get herself out of this situation fast. Her chance came with a shout.

"Oi! Is anyone alive! Oiii!" A male voice shouted, obviously trying to find any survivors.

"Help…" she whimpered. Maybe she wasn't as best a condition as she had thought. "Help," she said again, louder than before, but still too quiet. She took a deep breath and concentrated, gathering the air into her lungs. "HELP!" She finally managed to shout.

The response to her plea was a sound of footsteps quickly growing louder and louder. Soon, a boy with black spiky hair in white Chaldea Masters outfit (much like her own) and the familiar squirrel-like creature, Fou, came into her view.

"Oi, are you alright?!" He asked in panic as he knelt down to observe her.

She was trapped under a chunk of concrete; luckily, it didn't crash down on her directly, but just hung above her close enough to render her immobile.

"I-I think I am fine, but I am trapped here," she told him. Upon closer inspection, she recognized him by his cerulean eyes: He was the other candidate, the one who slept during Director Olga's speech.

"Alright, I will try to lift it up, and you can crawl out." He looked around, trying to find some tools to help out.

He spotted a sizable iron pipe and had an idea, running over to grab it and made his way back. The boy carefully jabbed the pipe into the crack between the concrete and another pile of rubble, before using the pipe as a lever and giving enough space for the girl to make her way out.

Once she was safe, he let go of the pipe, panting in exhaustion. It seemed strength was not one of his strong points.

"A-Are you alright?" The girl asked.

The boy looked back at the girl with an orange-red hair. Her light orange eyes continued to stare at him in concern.

"I-I will be fine," he reassured. "But you should leave."

"What about you?" The girl questioned.

"I…" he paused to take a deep breath. "I have someone I am looking for."

The boy expected some kind of reply along the lines of 'Are you insane?!', 'The person you are looking for is dead!', or something like that; instead, he was completely caught off guard by the girl's reply.

"Then let me help, we can cover more ground," the girl offered. The boy was about to decline, not wanting another person to be caught up in this. "It's fine, my injuries aren't that bad."

When another chunk of the ceiling collapsed down near them, he knew it was time to either accept her offer now and get that lavender-haired girl out of here, or try to argue and get all of them killed when the hall collapsed down on them.

So he nodded and ran off with his new friend to help him in his search. The sound of him and the girl shouting echoed in the ruined hall. [1]

"I found her!" the boy suddenly shouted for the red-haired girl to hear.

She quickly ran to her friend and found him, Fou, and the person they were looking for: Mash Kyrielight, nicknamed Mashu, another fellow Candidate Masters. She smiled in relief they were both safe and was about to suggest making their escape.

That was until she noticed two blades of broken glass piercing through Mash's belly. She gasped at the sight, allowing them to notice her presence.

"Ah… so you are… safe as well… I am so glad," Mash breathed out with a sad smile. "Please… you two must leave… I am-"

She was cut off when another explosion rocked the chamber, and the flame which resulted from it quickly consumed their only exit.

"Oh…" Mash sighed in despair. It seemed all of the candidates would perish here.

The orange-haired girl herself felt the resignation to her fate weigh deep in her heart. She walked up to the pair and knelt down beside them. Mash and the boy offered their free hand to her since they were already holding hands with each other. She took them in each of her palms; no one deserved to die alone.

But she wouldn't die here; she would transcend mortality!

A loud announcing voice suddenly boomed in the chamber, and soon, the large machine in the center of the room turned red; the CHALDEAS was at work. When the word 'Rayshift' was said, she soon knew there might be a chance for them yet.

"Searching for qualified Master… Found. Candidate Number 47, Ritsuka Fujimaru, and Candidate Number 48, Ritsuka Fujimaru."

Eh?

"Reset as Masters."

Both of them believed the machine was malfunctioning. After all, it had said their name twice… right?

There was no time for questions, however, as the Rayshift process had begun, and they were soon teleported away.


Doctor Romani Archaman, or just Dr. Roman for short, sighed in relief. It seemed they had managed to save three of the candidates just in time using Rayshift. Still, this was only the first half of the struggle. Now, they would have to survi-

"Doctor, there appears to have been a problem." Of course, there will be! "Ritsuka Fujimaru is sent off-course."

Oh, no…

Oh, wait...

"Umm, which Ritsuka Fujimaru?" the good doctor asked awkwardly.

The operator checked again. "The girl."

"Right." He really needed to check how two people end up with the same name in their database; he blamed the bureaucracy. "Where does she end up?"

"Umm, nowhere yet, sir."

What?

"TRISMEGISTUS showed she is still being shifted."

"And where is she heading?" Roman asked.

At that, the staff stopped what they were doing to look at each other in uncertainty. Finally, one of them was brave enough to speak.

"We… don't know, sir."

"Fuck."


Ritsuka Fujimaru was experiencing something, one beyond human comprehension. The sensation she was feeling was like traveling through a storm, naked. It was turmoil, it was dark, it was carnage, it was chaotic.

The voices. The sound of cursing, of insult, of hate, rang loud within her mind.

"I AM OUT OF QUARTZ!" One voice in this storm of conscious shouted.

"FUCK YOU, DELIGHTWORKS! LET MY WALLET REST!" another cursed.

"RATE UP IS A LIE!" another voice accused.

At first, Ritsuka could still make out what they said. Soon, however, the voices began to overwhelm her. The sea of thoughts, the storm of insanity – they were consuming her.

In truth, the Rayshift process was still in effect, but due to a strange malfunction, it has sent her through a dark place before she would end up in Fuyuki. This is a dimension where the energy of a certain type of human suffering gathered to create this abyss.

Salt.

Angst, worry, hate, and sheer-unadulterated rage all directed toward something so trivial that shouldn't have been taken seriously, also known collectively as 'Salt', were used to form this dimension.

And our poor Ritsuka was now bathing in the collective salt of humanity.

"SAKURA SUCKS!"

"I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY FOR QUARTZ!"

"FATE SERIES IS OVERRATED!"

"WHY CAN'T I GET SSR?!"

"WHERE IS JESUS AND BUDDHA SERVANTS!?"

"MAINTENANCE TAKES TOO LONG!

"Stop," she pleaded.

"EMIYA SUCKS!"

"STOP SPOOKING ME, CURRY BOI!"

"LIKING ASTOLFO IS GAY!"

"LIKING TRAP ISN'T GAY!"

"WHY IS THE STORY PROGRESS SO SLOW?!"

"RIN SUCKS!"

"WE NEED MORE HENTAI!"

"Please stop!" She begged again, but they did not cease.

"STOP LEWDING THE KOUHAI!"

"NEED MORE MASHU NTR!"

"SABER SUCKS!"

"DON'T CALL HER SABER! CALL HER ARTHUR!"

"HAVE SOME GODDAMN FAITH, ARTHUR!"

"TYPE-MOON IS A BAD STUDIO!"

"WHY DOES NO ONE CARE ABOUT KARA NO KYOUKAI?!"

"SHINJI SUCKS- wait, you all agree?"

"STOP!" Her screams fell on deaf ears.

It went on and on. The negative thought directed toward anything created or supervised by TYPE-MOON Studio kept assaulting her mind. She had a strong will, but there were dark influences behind these voices.

She would not emerge unchanged.

Yet, what came with insanity was knowledge. As she was forced to go through the storm of angst and fury, the screams and whispers told her secrets and knowledge no mortal should know: meta-knowledge.

It was due to some luck, however, that it was this part of the Salt Dimension which she ended up in. If she were to pass through the 'Star Wars', 'Sonic', or 'Rick and Morty' parts, her mind would be obliterated.

Eventually, an entity who ruled this place took notice of her. With a wave of its yellow fungi hand, Ritsuka was free from this tormented realm and be on her way to her intended destination.

Destiny had been altered to the point of no return, and this entity would look on with interest with its star-filled eyes.


In the burning ruins of Fuyuki City, a figure emerged in a burst of light.

A humanoid creature with dark skin and a skull mask ran up to investigate what had caused the explosion. What it found made it pause.

Standing there was a… girl, no taller than a person's waist. She had short orange hair and a side ponytail with an ahoge. Her head, eyes, hands, and feet were round and larger than a regular human's. Her white outfit marked her as part of Chaldea organization. She possessed two orange eyes which, disturbingly, didn't reflect any light. She looked like someone out of a cartoon, or anime, or a comedic chibi spin-off series of a popular gacha game.

The girl looked at the creature.

"Hmm, an Assassin Shadow Servant, eh?" She said in an eccentric, high-pitched voice. "I guess we all have to start at Fuyuki. Wish the devs would finally add skip tutorial function after all these years, it had been f-" She didn't get to finish when the Shadow Servant decided to attack.

Before it clawed hand could make contact, however, the girl just punched through its chest. She then yanked out a silver treasure chest out of the hole she just made. Assassin could only stare with wide eyes as it faded away.

"Dang, just an Assassin Piece. Oh well, this is good enough for the first stage I guess," she mused while checking the content inside of the chest.

The girl's wrist device suddenly flared up.

"Hello? Can you hear me?" the voice of Doctor Romani boomed up.

She simply tapped a button on it, and the device projected a screen of Dr. Roman onto the nearby wall.

"Ritsuka, are you-" Romani's smile of relief was quickly replaced by an expression of pure shock and confusion. "Wha- What happened to you?!"

"I just went through the collective salt born from every Fate series' fans."

"W-What's that supposed to mean?!"

"Nothing," Ritsuka said and pretended she didn't just break the fourth wall. "Anyways, I am fine really. Can you tell me what to do?"

If those devs were not going to add the skip tutorial function, she might as well do the equivalent of skipping a cutscene. She just wanted to roll the gacha, dammit.

"Uh, umm…" Roman looked around the command center, still trying to figure out what had happened to the girl. "R-right, just head east. Mashu and Rits-" the doctor paused. "Sorry, you two have the same names so it is quite confusing. I am sure it's the computer's fault, but we really have to come up with some kind of codenames to call the two of you for now."

Ritsuka (female) was silent for a few moments, before she spoke the accursed name. "How about 'Gudako'?"

Dr. Roman and the staff didn't know why, but they felt a chill ran down their spine. "R-Right, so Gudako for you then."

"And maybe Gudao for the guy," Gudako added. "Now tell me, where are Gudao-kun and my little eggplant?"


Both Ritsuka (male) and Mashu suddenly felt a chill down their spine. They ignored that and focused on the conversation between Doctor Roman and Director Olga.

"Can you repeat that again, Doctor?"

"Like I said, the other Ritsuka's Rayshift path went off the course and it… seemed to have changed her."

Olga suddenly a sense of dread about the question she was about to ask, but swallowed them and asked away. "How so, exactly?"

"Hey, guys!" A voice shouted. They all turned to its source.

They saw Gudako ran toward them. Suffice to say, saying they were shocked was an understatement. Even after Gudako had finally stopped in front of them, none of them spoke a single word.

"What? Isn't this part of the story voiced?" Gudako asked.

While that made no sense to any of them, it had managed to snap all of them back to reality.

"W-WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!?" Olga asked while Mashu and Gudao could only stare in shock.

"Fate series happened. Fate/strange fake didn't even end yet, but Fate/Requiem is already out. What a time to be a fan… as if FGO hadn't taken all my money already."

"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!" Olga shouted. She grabbed ahold of Gudako's shirt collar and pulled the short girl up to her eyes level. "We are stranded in the middle of a burning city, with unknown Servants running amok, what do y-"

The white-haired girl didn't get the chance to finish when Gudako grabbed a hold of her collar and lifted the director even higher than Gudako's height should allow.

"I think you should watch your language," Gudako said in a voice devoid of emotions and empathy. "Want me to teach you a lesson?"

Olga Marie Animusphere could only stare into those orange lit-less eyes and felt one thing: fear from the bottom of her soul.

"Waaah! I-I am sorry!" she quickly apologized.

Gudako let her go. While she let the director recover, the orange-haired girl skipped toward Gudao and Mashu. "Are you two alright? Thanks for saving me back there, by the way," she thanked.

"Y-yeah," Gudao replied, uncertain at how to proceed with this whole ordeal. Mashu, meanwhile, was still in her dumbstruck state.

"By the way, Doctor Roman said your nickname is 'Gudao' from now on," Gudako said.

"Gu-Gudao?" Gudao asked and pointed at himself. How very Gudao. "Why?"

"Umm, let me explain," Romani spoke up, reminding Gudao the holographic projector was still on. The doctor then explained how there might be a flaw in the system which gave the two the same name, Ritsuka Fujimaru, and they had to call with code names for each of them, in which Roman emphasized it was Gudako who came up with the names. "Are you okay with this?"

"Yes, we are not in a position to be picky," Gudao replied firmly.

"Ha, spoken like a true hero; truly a god-send protagonist," Gudako commented. "Wonder if you will get a harem."

"Umm, thanks?"

"Right, with that out of the way," Roman was about to continue, but then he saw a rather anxious Olga. He immediately knew she had gone into a tsundere-mode and needed to get some attention. "Director, could you please help guide them through the process?"

The white-haired woman looked pleasantly surprised and quickly puffed her chest, before starting, "Right, in order to survive, we have to summon Servants. Do you know what they are?" Olga asked in Gudao's direction.

"W-Well… no," Gudao admitted guiltily while Mashu looked on with sympathy. He was an ordinary person before today, after all.

"Ugh, typical… first, you slept during my speech, and now you are telling me you don't even know what Servants are? Fine, I will explain it to you, but I will have to be quick. Servants are…"

While Olga was explaining to Gudao, Gudako was forced to contain her excitement with all her willpower. She must remain in the role of the protagonist, she must be calm, kind, resourceful, capable, and more. She didn't even pay attention to the Director; she did know all of this by heart, after all.

'Breath in, breath out; just let the auto-mode play the story out, your patience will be rewarded with Tier One SR,' she thought to herself – or rather, trying to convince herself.

"Do you understand now?" Olga questioned the boy. He nodded. "Good, then let us get on with it. Mash, can you prepare your shield for summoning? I will explain to Ritsu- Gudao here about the summoning process." As the lavender-haired girl began setting up the ritual, Olga pulled out an asymmetrical rainbow-colored stone. "This is a Saint Quartz."

With those two words, Gudako began to tremble; unfortunately, only Mashu noticed this. 'This can't be good,' the kouhai thought.

"They are a general catalyst used to summon a Servant when no specific items are available. Because of this, there are chances you might summon something else instead of Servants, but nothing too dangerous, I assure you."

'Except Black Keys and Mapo Tofu,' Gudako dreaded.

"So, don't know who you are going to summon or what are you going to get? Sound like a gacha game." Gudao shouldn't have said that.

"GACHA!" Gudako roared, startling the others. "GACHA! CAN I ROLL THE GACHA!?"

In her shock at the outburst, and unwillingness to go against this abomination the second time, Olga just slowly nodded.

"YES! I GET TO ROLL GACHA AGAIN! FUCK YES! IT'S TIME TO ROLL! YAHOO!" Gudako began dancing around in excitement while screaming 'GACHA!'. In fact, she danced so fast she split into four afterimages.

"U-um, while she was busy, I think you should summon first, Gudao-kun," Roman spoke up as they all watching Gudako did her thing.

"R-Right."

The boy steered himself away from his now, he presumed, insane colleague.

There was already thirty Quartz laid on Mashu's shield which had a summoning circle embedded on it. Gudao extended his hand and channeled his prana into the ritual. Soon, the circle began to shine with light as all the Quartz were consumed.

The light soon turned golden.

A figure came forth from the circle. They had pale blond hair and feminine face, dressed in teal Renaissance-style jacket and white tight pants along with a blue hat on their head, a saber and its sheath on their hip, and other fancy decorations. "I'm Chevalier d'Eon. A White Lily Knight who protects you and the French Royal Family. It is nice to meet you, Master." [2]

"It's nice to meet you as well," Gudao greeted his first (four stars) Servant with a bright smile.

"Um, Master, if it's not too much to ask. Can you explain what that is?" D'Eon slowly pointed behind Gudao. Everyone there dreaded to look back, knowing Gudako was behind them (and now multiplying even more). Luckily, they got an excuse to not look.

"W-We are not done yet," Olga interrupted. "We are still in the summoning process, please step away from the circle."

Chevalier looked to their Master who nodded, and Saber obliged.

What Gudao got in the next four summonings were a wide variety of things: a stone called 'Fire of Wisdom', two magical essences materializing in the form of a card, or a literal object, respectively, which Olga called 'Craft Essence' which could be used to strengthen Servants, and lastly, a dragon teeth which could be used in other rituals.

On his fifth summon, Gudao received another Servant.

A gigantic robot clad in steel stepped forth from the circle, looking down at Gudao with its single red eyes.

"My name is Steam King. I died once, and now my existence lives along in the imaginary world," it said in a robotic voice.

'So cool,' Ritsuka (male) thought. For a boy like him, mecha was always cool.

"'Steam King'?" Olga questioned the title. It was essential for them to know the Servants' real name if they could.

"Charles Babbage," Doctor Roman spoke up. "That's who our computer manages to read."

"Correct," Babbage confirmed. "What is that unknown specimen?" The Steam King pointed behind them. Knowing what was there, they ignored his question – though if they dared to look, like Mashu and D'Eon, they would see a legion of dancing Gudako who kept shouting 'GACHA!'

"...please ignore that for now, and step away from the circle," Olga said and gestured for him to stand beside Chevalier. Babbage didn't reply, merely moving toward Saber.

The summoning continued. After two more Craft Essences, Gudao managed to call forth another Servant.

A voluptuous woman with lavender hair, wearing a revealing black clothing and purple blindfold. "...you have strange preferences. If you require a sacrifice, do feel free to treat me as you wish."

"Umm, okay?" Gudao wasn't sure what to make of that introduction, not to mention her curve-hugging outfit making his face red. While they could not see her eyes, they knew immediately what she was looking at. "Just ignore it," Gudao told her. They could ask her real name later.

At this point, the legion of Gudako had created a giant effigy of Saint Quartz, built from the ruins of Fuyuki, with hundreds of Gudako(s) surrounding and worshipping it.

Olga and Ritsuka continued with the summon, while everyone else could not help but stared at the impossible feat Gudako managed to pull off.

Next came yet another Servant, a scantily armor-clad girl with black long hair in a hime cut, short round thick brows, and a katana.

"Ushiwakamaru, visiting. I'll serve you as a samurai with my whole heart," she greeted them.

Gudao blushed a little since her clothing didn't leave much to the imagination. 'Just how many Servants were skimpy clothes?!' he thought.

Unlike the others, Ushiwakamaru just moved away from the circle on her own, but that didn't stop her from taking a pause to gaze upon the creation of the Gudako(s).

They were in the process of sacrificing Shinji Matou to appease the 'Gacha God', after all.

Gudao just continued on, ignoring an agonizing (though somehow very satisfying to listen to) scream of the not-so-poor sod Gudako was sacrificing. This time, the light turned gold again.

Finally, with the last summon which shore with golden light, he received the last Servant. A man in his early adult years with white hair and tanned skin, dressed in a red long-sleeved jacket and black tight shirt underneath.

"Servant Archer. I answer to your summ-" Archer (EMIYA) paused, his expression changing from neutral to shock as he suddenly summoned for his blades. "Master, behin-"

But it was too late. Gudako was already upon her male counterpart. The male Master turned around, only to have his cheeks be grabbed by Gudako, her grip was strong enough to bend metal.

"HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GET TWO FOUR STARS WITH YOUR BEGINNER ROLL! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU RE-ROLLED?! WHY ARE THERE NOT A SINGLE ONE STAR!? DID YOU HACK THE SYSTEM!? YOU CHEATING PRICE OF SH-" Something suddenly stuck Gudako over her head and knocked her out.

"Dangerous unknown specimen has been subdued." It was none other than Charles Babbage's metal hand which did it; he was a Caster renowned for being unconventional, after all – or among many Casters at least. "Requesting permission to proceed with extermination."

Olga was about to agree to that, but Gudao said, "N-no, she is our ally!"

Every Servant, sans Mash, looked baffled.

"This… thing…" Archer pointed at Gudako on the ground. "…is a Magus?"

"Don't call me 'thing', you ex-eroge protagonist," Gudako's head turned 180-degrees to look at EMIYA as she said that.

"Gah!?" Archer was, justifiably, freaked out. "What the hell are you?!"

"A protagonist, but I am sure you know what being one is like."

Gudako levitated back to her feet with her head still twisted around. Once she was on her feet, her torso span around (with the sound of cracking bones) to match her face, and soon, her legs followed in the same manner.

Every servant there looked at Gudako then at their Master for his input. The boy gazed around. Feeling a responsibility on his shoulder, he responded, "As I said, she is our ally. I will explain how she became… like this later."

With their Master's decision clear, the Servants lowered their guard.

"As you said, my Master," Archer affirmed and unsummoned his blades.

"It's my turn to summon now? I have been itching to draw me some gacha," Gudako interrupted. "Give me the Saint Quartz."

"R-right." Olga stepped forward to prepare for the summon. Gudao, meanwhile, accompanied Archer to his other Servants.

"EMIYA," Rider greeted.

"Medusa," Emiya greeted back.

"You two know each other?" Gudao asked. "And did you said 'Medusa'? Like, the snake woman who can turn people to stone in the Greek myth?"

"The one and only," Medusa said with a smirk. "There is a lot of exaggeration in myth and legend, my dear Master. As for how I knew EMIYA here, well… let's just say we met in one of the Holy Grail War," the lavender-haired woman explained.

"Out of curiosity, which one specifically?" Mashu inquired as she joined the group.

Medusa just shrugged. "That's his secret to tell."

Judging how EMIYA closed his eyes and folded his arms, it seemed pretty unlikely he would tell them.

"That's fine," Ritsuka spoke up. "I won't press anyone to tell me what they don't want to."

Archer smiled. "Well, looks like I might have a good Master, after all," the white-haired Servant remarked.

"Indeed, most Masters wouldn't let their Servants keep a secret or two," Medusa added.

Others were inclined to agree with that statement; maybe, they would have a wonderful master after all this. Maybe.

"Hey, quiet down! I am concentrating on my luck!" Gudako shouted at the group.

"You can't 'concentrate' on luck!" Olga argued back.

"You want me to throw you into Chaldea's machine myself?!"

"What does that me-"

"Bah! You know what!? Let's just start!" Gudako gave a shout before channeling her prana into the ritual.

The light burst from the summoning circle, golden light.

"OHH!" Gudako ripped her shirt/Mystic Code open in excitement.

As the light subsided, a small figure with lavender twin-tails and white layered dress appeared. The Servant smiled.

"Ufufu... to manifest as a Goddess." She looked around and spotted another person very similar to her and gave a very smug smirk. "Hello, sister."

"Sister?!" Gudao and Emiya yelled and looked at Medusa.

The older woman just sighed. "It's good to see you too, Stheno. How-" Medusa suddenly paused.

This caused Stheno to blink in surprise. Medusa wasn't easy to shock into speechlessness. Perhaps her Master had used a Command Seal to silence her? When she looked at the boy with Command Seals on the back of his hand, however, she discovered not a single Seal was spent yet. The goddess got a new clue, however, as he was blushing very hard. In fact, everyone there besides the metal giant and her sister was blushing hard.

Stheno suddenly fell a wind passing through her legs, which shouldn't be the case since she manifested with a long dress. So looked down and discovered a small creature was lifting her skirt up, revealing her underwear to everyone.

"Hehehe, even if you're the most specialized of all beginner four-stars, your lewd potential is second-to-non-"

"KYAAA!" Stheno screamed before kicking Gudako in the face and sending her flying into a nearby wall, creating a hole in the exact shape as the perverted Master.

The Assassin then ran to hide behind her sister.

"What is that thing!?" Stheno yelled while peeking out of her sibling back. She then looked around, noticing people were still blushing. "You all better forget what you just saw!"

"Negative," Babbage spoke up, causing Medusa to facepalm.

"Why the Tartarus not!?"

"My memory core records every event, regardless of whether I want to or not," the robotic servant explained.

"Please don't agitate her," Medusa begged.

"Negative. I simply stating a fact about my function," Babbage argued.

Stheno was about to argue, but Gudao stepped in.

"I-Is it possible to, umm, delete that part of the record later on?" The Master asked.

"It's possible if the technology is advanced enough to tamper with my memory core; else I will have to deny you access."

"That's fine, Chaldea has pretty of high-tech machine and experts, right, Mash?" Gudao asked for support from his kouhai, who nodded in affirmation.

"Then it can be arranged."

With this issue done, Stheno looked a little relieved. "Are you my Master?" The Assassin Servant asked, looking Gudao up and down. "Well, at least you looked reliable."

"Umm, actually…" Gudao didn't really want to be the one breaking the bad news, but now he must save humanity, he should practice doing what he didn't want to do. He pointed at the Gudako-shaped hole in the wall. "That's-"

"That's your master," Medusa cut him to it.

"Sister, if this is a joke, it is not funny," Stheno hissed.

"Nope!" Somehow Gudako had recovered from the blow and was now standing behind Stheno.

"AAHHH!" The Servants were understandably startled and scattered away from Gudako.

"I am your Master from this day onward, so please don't kick me again," Gudako said and showed her Command Seals as a proof of her Mastership. She put on a creepy smile as her fingers wiggled. "Ooo, boy, I can just… imagine what I can do with you." Gudako began to salivate. Stheno just clung to her sister, who wasn't looking too pleased either. Her perverted smile suddenly vanished. "Not now, though – I still have more Servants to summon."

And just like that, she walked on as if she hadn't just threatened to molest one of the Gorgon sisters.

At this point, the Servants were looking at their Master for an explanation.

"Umm, Doctor Roman," Gudao spoke into his communication device. "Can you help me with this?"

"Uhhh, sure."

Gudao sighed in relief and started from the beginning.

Gudako, meanwhile, began her streak of nothing but Craft Essences, Ember, and Materials. That was until three rings appeared around the summoning circle.

A man in a blue bodysuit and a red spear appeared. "Yo, Servant Lancer has answered your summon," Lancer greeted then he spotted a few familiar faces. "Well, now, is this a reunion party or something?"

"Ugh, him, of course," Emiya complained, interrupting Gudao's explanation; the Master was at the part where he was drugged and kidnapped.

"Could be worse, could be our Berserker, Caster, or, gods-forbid, Saber," Medusa said.

"The OG meme boi Cu Chulainn, eh? Sure, why not, it's not like you will die repeatedly like in Stay/Night. Nice to meet you," Gudako greeted. "Now, move away, I still have some summoning to do." [3]

"Umm, who are you?" Lancer asked Gudako. "And how do you know my real name?"

"Your Master," Gudako answered. Cu looked baffled, but Gudako showed him the Seal and silenced him. She then pointed at the group of Gudao's Servants, plus Stheno. Cu took the hint and moved on to join them.

Gudako then went back to summoning. Her next summon was another Servant.

A giant of a man with red Chinese armor, dark skin, unfocused white eyes, and a hat with two red features on top.

"■■■■■!" Berserker greeted.

"Hold on, my Berserker is a little rusty." Gudako cleared her throat. "▃▃▅▅▃▃!"

Everyone looked surprised, even Berserker himself.

"■■■■■――" The red warrior said.

"▃▃▅▅"

"■■■!"

"▃▃▅▅▅▅▅▅▃▃"

"■■■■■■!"

Their conversation concluded and Berserker just walked over to the gathering of Servants. The others were uncomfortable, to say the least, to let a Berserker joined them, but they swallowed their nervousness and just ignored him.

"He's Lu Bu Fengxian, by the way!" Gudako shouted after her Servant and went back to summoning.

Only one roll left.

She crossed her fingers, praying to the gacha god her offering (Shinji Matou's agonizing death) was enough to bring her good fortune.

The circle began to shine and three rings of light appeared.

"OOHHH!" She could feel it now! The second four stars!

But the light never turned golden.

When the light subsided, a man with reddish-brown skin (a Native American) and black pants stood in the circle.

"Servant class, Caster… maybe I'm known better as Geroni-"

He was punched in the face.

"WHY YOU, DAMMIT!" Gudako screamed with tears rolling down her eyes.

"NANIIIII?!" Everyone screamed, except Lu Bu who screamed, "■■■!" and Geronimo who was unconscious.

One way or another, this was just the beginning of the insanity which was Gudako. May whatever gods that care – or rather, brave enough – protect Chaldea.


A/N: Begin on the more series notes and there will be serious moments here and there but overall still a humor story.

[1] Let stick with the official name and let me come up with some bs to justify it later. Gudao and Gudako will be something of a nickname.

[2] My first four stars Servants, and after reroll a couple of times, become my permanent first four stars. Since we are on the topic, the Servant I got or fond of will have… let us call 'higher priority' in this story.

Olga: That's Servant bias!

Sue me. Don't worry about meme potential though, Altera is my first 5*... a week after I start playing.

Gudao: Wh-what?! Do you have EX rank luck?!

Nah, just A rank. If I have EX I would have also gotten Jack and Nursery from GSSR, but I am happy with Vlad ('Zarker), Hokusai (New Year banner), and Helena.

Mash: Stop humble bragging!

It's GSSR Banner!? It's fucking guarantee a 5*! I am not a fucking whale! And I got Hokusai by chance!

[3] During one of my rerolls I manage to get Stheno and two Cu Chulainn. I quickly reroll again.