A short fic, the result of one episode of Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes, and a lot of off the wall brainstorming:
Idunn's Apple Pie
A Marvel 616 fic by Andrew Joshua Talon
DISCLAIMER: Ain't mine.
It was a quaint little Clapboard Federal home in Brooklyn, in the neighborhood of Gravesend. Well kept, well maintained, with a charming flower garden in the front and several scattered children's toys in the back. It was painted blue and an almost golden amber, the very picture of classic Americana.
It figured that his nemesis would choose such a humble, cliched dwelling. It had been well hidden, of course, but Johann Schmidt, the Red Skull, had not survived the passage of time and numerous battles with superheroes, villains and horrors beyond both on sheer luck.
Still, he was cautious. He had thoroughly researched the inhabitants, and he knew the Captain. And he knew better than to risk a direct confrontation on the Captain's home turf. So Schmidt had waited until he was sure the Avengers were gone. Off in space on an important mission, they would return too late.
His HYDRA troops, under cloak of a holographic projector, stormed the house. They smashed through the windows, the doors, and came up through the basement window wells. When they radioed it was secure, he entered. He stepped on the fallen pictures and knick knacks, making an ominous crunching noise as he walked unhurried through the entrance hall.
He entered the living room, where at last he laid eyes on the bride of the Captain... And his son. The woman was quite beautiful-Pale, tall, with long black hair and green eyes. She was dressed in a simple green house dress with a white apron over it. She was built fit, at least-Strong, but with soft womanly curves and long legs. Johann looked her up and down. She was sitting on a comfortable looking couch, guns pointed at her head, and her young, two year old son sitting securely in her lap.
She met his eyes unflinchingly, as he spoke.
"I can't say I disapprove of the good Captain's taste," he said. "Mrs. Rogers, I presume?" He reached out to hold her chin between his gloved fingers. "You must be quite the woman to tie him down. He usually preferred blondes in the past."
Mrs. Rogers didn't even flinch, even as her son whimpered. She eyed him with an almost bored expression. Johann laughed, withdrawing his hand.
"So calm. Your fake name was very entertaining, as was your SHIELD file. An intelligence analyst from Norway turned mere housewife? Let me guess: Field agent? Assassin? A counterpart to Romanova?"
She cocked one elegant eyebrow.
"Are you finished yet? My husband will be home soon and I still have to prepare dinner," she finally spoke. She glared as she stroked her son's back, keeping him calm. "As well as clean up this mess."
The Red Skull laughed. "You have spirit! And courage! But I'm afraid my dear that you are out of luck. The good captain is not returning soon, and despite your courage..." he gave a sickly grin, promising nothing but agony, "you have no idea who I am."
The woman laughed. She grinned back at him, and Johann, in shock, almost stumbled back. Her eyes, once gentle and warm, were now filled with nothing but death and horror.
"And you," she said slowly, "my dear, dear Johann, have no idea who I am."
In the blink of an eye, the four armored soldiers with guns pointed at her head had jagged, black swords jammed through their throats. They fell, dead or dying with horrific wet gurgles, onto the floor. The Red Skull took a step back, and drew his own gun-A gun knocked out of his hand by another jagged sword that sliced his hand open. He cried out and held his hand, looking back up in fear.
The woman has stood up, and given her sniffling son to a ragged skeleton wearing ancient Norse armor. The skeleton patted the infant on the back as green flames erupted around the woman, black, skintight armor replacing her civilian clothing. A double horned mask slid over her glowing eyes as two more black swords appeared in her hands.
"Would you like me to show you?" Hela, Asgardian Queen of the Dead, asked with a savage grin.
Steve Rogers was relieved beyond words when he saw his house was intact. He rushed in, shield at the ready, SHIELD agents parting for him. He saw his wife, calmly checking on the oven in the kitchen. He grinned.
Hela turned from the oven and smiled like the sun coming out. "STEVE!"
"I heard-Oof!" He caught her as she lunged for him, and returned her feverish kiss. He broke it, as she began babbling questions.
"Are you all right? How was the mission?"
"Me?! I'm fine! But what about you? And Bucky-?"
"I'm fine, dear, really," Hela said, smiling warmly. Despite her Asgardian powers, he still worried for her. "And Bucky is fine. He's sleeping. Poor dear was over excited, that's all."
Captain America sighed in relief, and hugged his wife tightly. She returned it, nuzzling him with her own happy sigh.
"And Skull?" He asked. Hela gave him a smile.
"I didn't kill him, if you're curious," she said. She rolled her eyes. "Like he's worthy of being killed by me. His mercenaries were only slightly more worthy. And I know you don't like it, so I only killed the ones directly threatening our son. The rest I just knocked out."
As a soldier himself, he could understand that. Given her nature, that she went that far for him spoke volumes. "Still, where is he?"
Hela pointed at the trashcans out back. One was shaking, like someone was trying to get out. "Where trash belongs," she said.
Steve frowned. "I didn't think he could fit in there."
Hela sighed. "I tried! But I finally had to cut off his arms and legs to do it." At Steve's look, she shrugged. 'What? I used the spells of preservation. They can just stick them back on him later."
Hela may not have shared many of his principles but he could not fault her logic. And the safety of his family did ultimately take precedence. She smiled back lovingly, and hugged him.
"Now. Let it go. You triumphed today, and so did I. We can have a wonderful dinner, just the two of us..." She looked annoyed. "As soon as you order your SHIELD minions to leave."
"Specialists," Steve corrected dryly. Hela snorted.
"It's all the same to me."
The day had started so promising for Johann Schmidt. And now, here he was, his limbs cut off, reduced to a stump of a man... In a garbage can.
It was not as horrifying as Magneto burying him alive but it was far more humiliating.
The lid of the garbage can was lifted away. He was dumped out onto the pavement. He fell on his face, and then was lifted up by his head. He gasped in anger and surprise at the smiling man holding him up.
Or rather, god.
"Loki?!" The Nazi spat.
"Hey Skull. You seem to have lost some weight," the trickster snickered.
"I-I asked you-You told me where Rogers was but didn't tell me he'd married-" Red Skull's eyes went wide as Loki's own went cold. The God of Mischief was still smiling though.
That made it infinitely worse.
"That he'd married my daughter?" Loki asked. "Now why ever would I leave that bit out?"
"What's the scheme?! Use Rogers to take over the Nine Realms?!" Schmidt demanded. "I am not your pawn!"
Loki snorted. "It is flattering that you think I could manage something like that, but no. My little girl got a crush on the man who refused to die... And who managed to knock up Death herself." He chuckled. "I will admit, it's not the most obvious outcome for either of them... But they are happy. And that is a magic I don't have. They're family now, and I have certain... Obligations."
"That and I can't very well let Thor be a better grand uncle than I am a grandfather can I?"
"I'll destroy you for this, Loki!" Johann snarled. "When I get out of here-!"
"What are you going to do, bite my legs off?" Loki asked mockingly. "Oh, before I go..."
He pulled out a cellphone, and snapped a few pictures of the snarling, limbless Nazi. "And... Sent! Ooh! Already trending!"
"LOKI YOU-!" The rest of Johann's admittedly inventive German cursing was cut off by Loki unceremoniously dumping him back into the trash can-head first-and shutting the lid. He headed off, whistling a little tune.
He had a grandson to check up on, after all. Best not to keep him waiting.
Yeah, it's a crack pairing. But it was a lot of fun to write. Hope you enjoyed it.