Discord's Retirement

I don't own MLP

Summary: Season 9 AU: Instead of Celestia and Luna retiring from their thrones, Discord has decided to retire from his status as God of Chaos. But just because he is no longer bound by chaos doesn't mean the draconequus has any measure of a boring life, especially as he finds interesting ways to invest his retirement perks. Anthro, Harem, OCs, and potential Xovers in the future.

Twilight and her friends charged into the throne room of Canterlot Castle with all haste. They had all received an urgent letter from the princesses. The lack of explanation in the message only made them worry more.

"Princesses, we're here! What's the-" Twilight started as they came to a halt, staring up at the diarchy. While it was relieving to see they were fine, it was strange how surprised they looked with the arrival of the Princess of Friendship and her companions. "-emergency?" she finished with a head tilt.

"Twilight! What an unexpected visit!" Luna greeted with a smile.

"Though, you all seemed to be in such a hurry. Is something wrong?" Celestia inquired in concern.

"Wrong? Didn't you send us all a bunch of urgent letters telling us to come here?" Rainbow asked as the seven of them looked bewildered by the current turn of events.

The royal sisters shared a look before answering in sync. "No?"

"But if that's the case, who in Equestria even could have sent the urgent letters?" Rarity questioned thoughtfully.

"Ohh, ohh, maybe they flank-mailed them by accident?" Pinkie Pie suggested, getting odd looks from everyone. "What? It can happen!"

"Ya, well, barring that, I'm guessin this here is either a trap or...," Applejack trailed off as they all came to the same conclusion.

"Discord!" they all called out

"UUUUUUUHHHH!" Celestia and Luna nearly jumped out of their thrones as Discord emerged from the water surrounding their shared dais, sucking in breath. "Sweet Anarchy! I was waiting in there for nearly a half hour while you took your time getting here! I never realized how slow not teleporting could be," he declared as he flew out with a flap of his wings and shook some water off his fur.

"You've been down there this whole time?" Celestia asked in surprise, blocking the spray of water droplets with her wings.

"Yep! Surprisingly spacious in there," Discord answered as he settled onto the floor, studying his talons. "Oh, I'm going to be prunny all day now, lovely."

"I don't know what's more confusing: that he needed to breathe at all or he stayed in one place that long," Rainbow said, eyeing the chaos lord oddly.

"Discord, is there a reason you called us here or is this just a prank?" Fluttershy asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Don't fret, my dear Flutters!" he said with a grin. "While not strictly an emergency, there is something urgent I have to share with all of you."

"What, are you retiring?" Spike asked in jest, getting some chuckles and giggles around the room.


The room went dead silent at the rather blunt answer. Discord just crossed his arms patiently with a smirk. "Dude, I was joking," Spike informed uneasily.

"And for once, I'm not," Discord assured in amusement.

"But-that-you," Twilight sputtered before shaking her head, looking at him with eyes bugging out of her skull. "I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!"

"As do we! Right, Sister?" Luna asked in alarm, looking to her unresponsive sibling, who was just staring ahead without comprehension.

Everyone watched as Discord, without much fanfare or effect, walked up the steps to snap his fingers a few times in front of Celestia's face. "Come on Celly! Come back to us! Calling from Equestria, do you read us Solar Flanks?" he urged, grinning all the while.

Celestia suddenly shook her head, looking towards Luna. "Sister, I just had the strangest dream," she stated in disbelief.

"Was it about Discord retiring?" Luna asked with a deadpan expression.

"Yes, it w-" Celestia stopped, blinking as she looked to the crowd of six ponies and a dragon, then glanced over to Discord, who was leaning on her throne. "Ohh, buck, that wasn't a dream."

"Not today, Princess! Today, this old goat cashes in his chips and claims his winnings," he answered with a toothy smile as he leapt back down to the base of the throne. "But yes, just to make this clear, I am retiring."

"But...Why?" Rainbow asked. "And what does that even mean?"

Discord chuckled as he regarded some of the only beings in his long life he could call friends. "These last few years have, admittedly, been some of the most interesting ones I've ever had. I got put in stone by a rag tag, motley crew of mortals," he paused to enjoy their sour looks. "Later, I was utterly defeated for the first time by the most unlikely and kindest of ponies," Discord continued, getting a shy blush from Fluttershy, the others smiling at where this was going. "Not to mention a new Alicorn ascending. Oh, and I got to see Celly and Lulu tied up with tentacles!" he continued, getting bland looks from the princesses. "And throughout all that, I thought I could remain my utterly amazing and chaotic self."

Everyone became concerned as Discord let out a great sigh. "And you did, right? I mean, you're not a villain, but you are, well, Discord," Twilight reminded in concerned.

"Oh, I've been chaotic, but my status as "amazing" has taken a few hits," Discord reminded with an eye roll. "Ignoring the elements? I got my magic stolen by a centaur with daddy issues, nullified by a rock, and as Fluttershy has probably told, I almost died from a tea party."

"Wait, WHAT?!" Luna exclaimed in shock.

"I'm sorry, did I hear that right? Discord the Draconequus almost died?" Celestia asked in disbelief.

Discord cocked his head towards the yellow pegasus, only to find all of their friends were giving her similar looks as the royal sisters. "You didn't tell them?" he asked curiously.

"Umm, I thought it was a bit, personal?" Fluttershy answered sheepishly.

"A TEA PARTY?!" Rainbow exclaimed in disbelief. "You were almost killed, by a tea party!?"

"Well, it had more to do with me trying to be normal for an afternoon," Discord answered with a shrug.

Everypony blinked as the implication of that sank in. "It would LITERALLY kill you to not be chaotic for an afternoon?" Spike summarized with a hint of horror to his voice.

"Well, would have," Discord specified casually.

"Discord, I don't know if I'd rather hug you because you're still here, or slap you for nearly dying on us," Celestia stated in an uneasy voice.

"I do!" Pinkie Pie declared, jumping at Discord to give him a tackling hug, her plump form pressing against his serpentine one.

"Wow!" Discord exclaimed as the party pony knocked him off his feet, looking up at him with happy, glistening eyes.

"I'm sooooo happy you didn't die!" Pinkie Pie declared, nuzzling his chest.

Discord stared for an instant before smiling and rubbing her mane- before blinking as he felt something very soft against his neck while a pair of blue arms wrapped around him. "Luna?" he asked in surprise.

"Let that notion be doubled," Luna said with a soft smile.

Pinkie Pie giggled as Discord continued to look surprised by the lunar monarch, until a third mare joined in on the hugging on his right arm; A certain yellow pegasus. This garnered no surprise, just a warm smile between the pair. The Draconequus turned to the rest of his friends with a cheeky grin. "Anyone else want in on the group hug?" he offered.

There was a brief hesitation before Rainbow was on his left side in an instant, nearly tumbling them all over as they shared a laugh. "Shut it!" Rainbow warned, her glare ruined by the smile she couldn't keep off her face.

Twilight smiled, glancing at Rarity and Applejack with a hint of mischief before teleporting all three of them over to the others, the Princess of Friendship joining into the hug readily. "Ah, buck it," Applejack decided while Rarity rolled her eyes, both business mares adding to the group.

"And Celestia to finish it off," Discord said teasingly.

"I still want to slap you, a little," Celestia reminded with a warm smile as she joined her friends in the show of affection.

Discord just chuckled, trying to hug them all back with some success before he eyed the other male in the room. "Well, Spike?" he asked with raised eyebrow.

"Oh, just letting you enjoy soaking in the marefest first," Spike teased with a grin before flying over, doing his best to hug the pile without accidentally groping somepony.

The moment lasted for another instant before Discord flew up out of the mass of mares, landing nearby. "Okay, okay, enough of that. We're here to talk about my retirement, not my brush with death. Though, speaking of which, you all won't have to worry about that: Retiring means that normality isn't fatal for my health," Discord assured.

"As good as that is to know," Twilight spoke up, eyeing him with a curious look. "What does you retiring even mean?"

"Yeah, is there going to be a new Lord of Chaos or something?" Rainbow questioned before her eyes dilated. "Please tell me it's not Pinkie Pie."

Discord rolled his eyes. "No, no, nothing like that, amusing at it would be. Being a "God of Chaos" isn't a position or job so much as a state of being," Discord explained vaguely.

"But wouldn't that mean you will lose all your powers?" Rarity asked curiously.

"Oh, Tartarus, are you mortal!?" Luna exclaimed in shock as the thought struck her.

Discord pretended not to notice that he had their supreme attention now. "Yes and no to the first, and as for being mortal? I was, technically, for about half an hour," he mused casually as he stroked his beard.

Right up until he was grasped by golden magic and found himself placed onto Celestia's throne, surrounded by his friends with various expressions of interest, confusion, and sternness. "Explain," Celestia instructed in the most authoritative voice she had used in a long time.

Discord rolled his eyes at the melodrama. "Like I said, I cashed in my chips when I, shall we say, turned in my Chaos powers. And of course, I made sure to nab some immortality for my retirement package," Discord elaborated with a smirk as he reclined in the throne, hands behind his head. "So you lovely ladies won't be deprived of my good looks by the passage of time."

"Vanity aside, you have no idea how much I appreciate knowing that, Discord," Luna assured with a smile.

"But what do you mean "turned in" your chaos powers, and to who?" Twilight asked, completely baffled.

Discord gave them all a crooked smile. "Surprised to know there are things higher on the food chain than me?" he teased.

"A little, yes?" Rainbow answered, slightly alarmed as she rubbed her skull. "You could do basically anything. Aside from magic nullifiers and a magic-eater that's already got a whole country's worth of magic, what trumps that?"

"You'd be surprised," Discord answered vaguely. "Just like I'm surprised you know the word nullifier. But as for turning in my powers? That is far more literal than you might think, and who isn't too important. But it is the being someone like me goes to for things like this, so, you know, don't worry too much," he answered with a wave as he relaxed in the throne.

Everyone looked confused until Rarity cocked a brow. "Are you implying that such an event, incredibly powerful entities giving up their powers is...common? A routine event?" she guessed, feeling very small now.

"Well, not compared to the population of reality or various average lifespans, but yeah, it happens," Discord answered, faking a yawn. "Now, are you all done with the existential crisis or shall we drag this out?"

Celestia sighed, hand on her hip with a half-fond, half-annoyed shake of her head. "He obviously won't elaborate, so we best just accept it for now," she concluded, to Twilight's silent, pouting protests.

"So, this is kinda like settling down for someone like ya?" Applejack summarized, trying to break the awkward silence.

"That is exactly right!" Discord agreed, grinning widely.

"Well, that's great to hear, Discord," Spike said encouragingly to his roleplaying companion. "Any plans for what you're going to do?"

Discord's look turned playful, and for once, they were more excited than worried about what he was up to. "Oh, just normal stuff: sight-seeing, meet new and old creatures, discover ancient-to-mortals secrets, maybe even get a job on the side. Oh, and, pick up your slack, girls, in the adventuring department," he rambled off.

"Hey? What's that supposed to mean?" Pinkie Pie asked suspiciously.

"That you lot are increasingly more busy with your own lives and Twilight's school, to the point where most adventures are emergencies or complete accidents, rather than your whimsical days of stumbling into excitement every other week?" he elaborated with a challenging, amused look.

"Huh, now that you mention it...," Rainbow said with a contemplative look upwards.

"I suppose things have settled down a bit for us in some ways," Rarity agreed, tapping her cheek with her finger as she pondered where he was going with this.

"Well, since I'm retiring, I thought I might pick up the slack and do some adventuring of my own," Discord answered smugly.

Twilight blinked at that answer, "You're retiring...to have adventures?"

"Discord, you just became twenty percent cooler," Rainbow congratulated with a chuckle.

"Sounds like fun!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed.

"I'm glad you think so. Because I MIGHT just want to drag a couple different ponies or other creatures along for the ride," Discord added in coyly, eyes shifting to the Alicorn sisters. "Maybe even some of the royal variety that need a vacation?"

Celestia just shook her head in amusement. "I should have known even your retirement would be unorthodox, Discord."

"Have you tried being orthodox? It's not fun," Discord retorted as he stood off the throne, rolling a few joints. "But we're getting ahead of ourselves. There's something very important we have to deal with first."

"What's that, Discord?" Fluttershy asked curiously.

Discord gave her a flat look. "You really need to ask? Pinkie, if you please?" Discord prompted.

"Okie Dokie!" Pinkie Pie saluted, taking a deep breath. "WE NEED TO HAVE A "HAPPY RETIREMENT, DISCORD!" PARTY!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed loudly as party horns went off around the throne room.

Everyone stared for a moment before Twilight raised a finger. "Spike, please remind me to cross out "Discord" as the possible sources of Pinkie Pie's Pinkiness," the Princess of Friendship requested.

"Well, I better get going! This was one of the parties I NEVER thought I'd get to do, but boy-ohboy, I am SO happy I planned for this!" Pinkie Pie said, before she cartwheeled her way out of the throne room.

"That mare is almost as obsessive as Twilight," Discord mused fondly.

Spike blinked after a moment, looking back to Twilight. "Wait, just Discord being the source, or him being her grandfather?" the drake questioned for clarity.

Celestia gave her student a look. "How many hypotheses did you form around Discord and Pinkie Pie being connected?" she asked teasingly.

"What do you mean Pinkie Pie?" Twilight countered flatly, getting confused looks. Except for Discord, who actually didn't know whether to find the implication annoying or hilarious.

"Wait, whatcha suggesting, Sugarcube?" Applejack questioned with a scowl.

"Oh, just that I've entertained the idea that Discord may or may not be the ancestor of myself, any of you, Starlight, Spike, even you two, Princesses," Twilight admitted in utter seriousness.

Everyone stare at that. Not at the absurdity, but just processing that little theory being plausible.

"Well, I imagine that would explain a lot of things about us to the rest of ponykind," Luna accepted with a shrug. "The questioned sanity."

"The obsessions with sweets," Celestia added in agreement.

"The love of pranks," Luna continued with a snort.

"Our former egos," Celestia finished before blinking in feigned concern. "Are we sure he's not our father?"

"Princesses, please don't joke like that," Twilight requested with a shudder. "And I think you'd both know...something more about whatever this retirement thing is if you did."

"Standing right here," Discord reminded with his arms crossed. "And I'll have you know that none of you are in my bloodline, thank you very much."

"Not even Applejack?" Spike asked with a head tilt.

"No, not eve-wait, why Applejack?" Discord inquired.

"Ya, what's that supposed to mean?" the farmmare added, eyeing the dragon suspiciously.

"Biggest family in Equestria?" Spike reminded.

"I would have put money on Twilight's family," Rainbow commented offhandedly.

"I'd rather wager on Princess Cadence. She seems to be the one he bothers least, sans her visit with Twilight," Rarity speculated.

"I'm not having this conversation," Discord stated, jumping over them. "I am going to go get soused at my Retirement Party. I recommend you all joining soon before things get too weird," Discord recommended as he walked out of the throne room.

"I will never get used to seeing him just walking," Twilight murmured to herself. "So, Discord is retired. What now?"

"Now, we help him celebrate, help him settle down, and...try and make sure he doesn't do anything too extreme at the party," Fluttershy said with a kind but concerned smile.

"You know, I always imagined that the world ending would involve a drunken Discord. So, yeah, I'm coming," Rainbow accepted.

"I can't even fault you on that logic," Twilight said with a sigh before smiling at her mentor and mentor's sister. "You both coming as well?"

The two shared an uncertain look. "I don't know. We were some of his greatest enemies, and locked him away for a thousand years. Hatchet aside, I'm not sure even Discord would want us at such an event," Luna pointed out.

"Princess Luna! Please, trust me, Discord would only love it if you came!" Fluttershy promised vehemently.

"And if you believe the hatchet unburied, your highnesses, this seems like the best opportunity to do so. A fresh start, as it were," Rarity recommended.

The Sky Sisters shared a look and a soft smile. "Well, this would be a chance to see what Discord is like without all his chaos-filled bravado," Celestia mused with a mischievous smile.

That Night, At Said Party

"Banzai, Broodnickers!"

Even Celestia herself could only stare, stunned, at the scene before them.

Discord was swinging across the air on a banner like some sort of primate while guzzling a tall mug of something, while hanging upside down at that. All around the wide ballroom were folding tables set up with drinks, refreshments, cakes, cucumbers, and lots of cotton candy. The entire place was packed with ponies and other various creatures, all dancing to the oddly lovely and energetic back and forth combo of Vinyl Scratch's DJing and Octavia's more classical tunes.

"Well, Discord is still Discord," Rainbow summarized with mirth.

"This is the Canterseum Ballroom, how did Pinkie Pie even get this reserved on such short notice?" Luna asked, eyeing a limbo game that some poor yak was trying very hard not to lose at.

"Who cares!" Spike declared, hovering up with his fists in the air. "Let's party!" he declared eagerly as he flew off.

"Spike!" Twilight called futilely, sighing as he disappeared into the mob.

"Spikey-Wikey certainly seemed enthused," Rarity commented with interest.

"The old goat really grew on Big Mac and Spike," Applejack said, rolling her shoulders with a glint in her eyes as she spied a hippogriff and a griffin having an arm-wrestling contest. "Now if ya'll excuse me, I think this night might just be fun for me."

"Well, someone should keep an eye on Discord to make sure he does-Where Is Fluttershy?!" Twilight asked in alarm.

"Huh? She was just here a second ago," Rainbow said, looking around at the empty space the kind mare had once been. "Did she bail?"

"I don't believe so," Celestia informed with laughter in her voice as she stared upwards. Everyone followed her gaze to see that Discord was now right side up on the banner...with Fluttershy holding onto it, right next to him. She was also clearly already drunk, grinning like a loon with flushed cheeks as she tried to out-drink Discord.

Twilight wasn't sure what was more disturbing: That Fluttershy was drunk or that she was keeping up with Discord.

"So, who wants to tell her tomorrow that she flashed a boob to a hundred or two strangers?" Rainbow asked conversationally.

End of Chapter

Hellllllo~! Sorry I've been gone from the MLP stuff for a while. There was some RL issues I was helping a friend through, a couple of my own, but mainly because I've been updated a lot of my non-MLP stuff: Including "Zim the Warlord," an Invader Zim fic with its own TV Trope page!

Anyway, yes, Discord has retired, exchanging his powers in to some one or thing. But while his chaos powers are gone, he can "invest his potential", shall we say, for various effects and benefits. Like immortality. But even more importantly, Discord is retiring to go on adventures...which makes way more sense than it should.

I'm going to be honest, a lot of the stuff going on in this fic is based on builds made with various CYOAs from the "Make Your Choice" Reddit and its NSFW countpart. I like making CYOA builds, so I figured it'd be fun to incorperate them in some stories. Might even allow you guys all to pick a few to set Discord or someone else through.

Anyway, until next time, chow!