Note: chapter re-updated 9 May 2021
You'll see this headnote for the following chapters as I make several changes to them. Have fun rereading! :smile:


Hey hey hey people, SSDanz here ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Let me begin by saying I do not like DxD and it's retarded power scaling and its equally retarded villains who is there just so the readers have someone to be hated. I don't like how Ophis the supposedly infinite can be bitten by a snakey boi and suddenly become... half as infinite i guess. Because infinite divided by 2 is apparently 0.5 infinity.

And those are only the few major issues i have with dxd.

However, I do like mythologies. I like the settings DxD is in, and I like Fate characters because they're objectively better and have more depth than dxd characters. So there you have it. Me writing shitpost that became an actual story with well thought out characters and supreme plot. If you think this is a typical 'issie gets all teh grills' kind of story, then you're absolutely wrong.

Anyway, he's still gonna be the star, and he's gonna be a magnificently perverted star revolved by two planets aptly named Asses and Titties.

May or may not feature characters or mechanics from other shows, which are potentially as follows but not limited to:

-That useless goddess from that isekai (hint hint, she can do party tricks and is thicc in both head and thighs, but that's really about it)

-That other useless goddess from fate (same quality as above except not really)

-Fate babes (aren't actually useless)

-Some goddesses from danmachi (actually aren't that useless)

Note that I won't include every single character from the above because it'll bloat up the already bloated up cast of dxd. Differentiating their personalities from one another via their actions and dialogues will be a pain in the arse to deal with.

Tldr; it's gonna be a long and wild ride

And please. Read until the end. even if the prologue makes you think 'wtf is this'. Give the man a chance fam ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Enjoy!


Death's Chosen


Prologue

||The Two Siblings||


Before the dawn of time, there were two. Always had been. When everything was nothing, before there was nothing, when there was no light nor darkness, Life was there, roaming the empty jaded void with Death providing companionship.

"My dear brother, I am very bored." Life bemoaned in an overly dramatic fashion. "Unbind me from this dreary shackle of our monotonous existence. Allow me experience the sweet embrace of death, before I develop what I fear will be known as 'bro-con'."

Was one of the many poetically-worded naggings Life would say just to nag Him. To prevent Herself from disappearing from existence via absolute boredom, She reasoned.

"You're being stupid again." Death would say to Her, for Life was being stupid. Again.

Life wasn't sure if they were siblings. Two sides of the same coin, as those philosophical humans then would say a couple of eons into the distant future, but really, these two primordial beings couldn't care less about philosophical thoughts. Life, most especially, who was here for the fun, and so far, there was no fun. Other than the many times She prattled about Her inane wonders about creating 'things'.

One thing They could agree upon however, was that 'space' was unbelievably empty and depressingly boring. Literally nothing but… nothing. Imagine a pitch-black room that had no edges.

That was it. That was space.

Until one time, a peculiar thought shook Life. "Why haven't you made something? Anything?"

"Why don't you?" Death responded, for He was lazy.

"Can I?"

"Have you ever tried?"

"Why would I? What're You here for?!"

"I ask myself the same question in every moment we are together."

"Aw. How sweet." Life giggled.

"That was not a compliment." Death replied dryly. "Why don't you try and create, Sister?"

"But how? Do I just say 'let there be light!' or somethi—"

And then there was light.

Life was amazed by Her newfound power that wasn't exactly newfound because She had it since the start and had no idea about it until this very moment.

Death raised His non-existent eyebrow to convey His mild surprise. Not by the fact a new aspect had just been created, but because of His Sister's obliviousness to Her own capabilities. Perhaps this was a bad idea.

But so what? This should be an amusing watch.

Once Life discovered Her power that had been there because She never thought of checking its existence, nothing was ever the same.

Death had never seen Life smiled so brightly. So bright that several supernovas rocked the void. Splashes of colors exploded like paint over blank black canvas, creating floating rocks and more rocks that collided with each other, creating even more rocks and even bigger rocks in the process. Rocks, rocks, rocks. How marvelous. Now the Void was littered with pebbles. And who else would have to clean up over Her mess other than Him.

Humans would soon acknowledge this process as the "Big Bang", and would then argue that the planet they were living in was a flat disc, which would greatly upset and disappoint both Life and Death. However, silly 'conspiracy theories' were not developed for a few billion years into the future.

Moving on, unlike His hyperactive Sister, Death was fine with watching from the sideline. Unlike Life, Death didn't make too much fuss or had any interest in sculpting nothing into something, piecing atoms into molecules, molecules into gasses, liquids, stars, planets, moons; everything that formed solar systems which formed galaxies, and eventually, the entire universe that sat nicely in the edge of the huge black sandbox called the Void.

It took Life a few millennia to finally create a living, habitable, thriving planet, but neither Her or Death paid any mind on the length of the process, or even noticed the amount of time that had passed. Time never bound Their existence. Only Life's creativity did. And through all those times, Death kept watch. To see Her smile was enough for Him. A silent spectator as Life, simply put, created the very first life in existence.

Aside from these siblings of course.

Yahweh, She had named her first living creation. A radiant creature blessed with a pair of pure white feathered wings and sporting an impressive long white beard that almost touched his waist. Some years later, said beard would soon become a standard for those who specialize in wizardry, an untold requirement for anyone who was wise, or didn't realize 'shavers' existed and they were allowed to cut their beard. Or was too poor to buy one.

"What's with the beard? Is it necessary to make him look this elderly?"

"Shut up! It's cool! Makes him look wise and benevolent and stuff."

"I want to poke him."

"What?! No! He'll die!"

"I'm poking him."

"NO!" Life slapped the back of Death's hand. Well. Metaphorically, of course, since neither of these Primordials had taken forms yet.

At the time, not even Yahweh realized the existence of these two Primordial siblings. Nor did he realize his life nearly had a premature end if Life didn't stop Death from bullying Her very first sentient creation.

Not even the 'Gods' were aware of them, rather, that there lived two whose sphere of influence significantly dwarfed theirs.

Life steamrolled with her entire 'naming' things. Yahweh was the very first. Then some others like Ra, Isis, Osiris, DIO, Zeus, Odin, Seth, Izanagi, and She went on and on. Name after name after name. Eventually, like the irresponsible godly being She was and is, Life got tired of coming up with names. She gave up on naming those things who called themselves 'Gods'. She granted these bands of "Gods" the ability to procreate and the ability to name things themselves.

Death did not comment on this. He had pretty much expected it to happen sooner or later.

It was going just fine. Life and Death had something to watch and spend Their endless time after Life's hard work and Death's idle supervision; a small price to pay for entertainment, or so He would say.

"My job here is done."

"But you didn't do anything!"

"Exactly."

At one point, She gave them the blessings to create life on their own.

Then it got better.

The first old man with the magnificent beard, Yahweh, was the first to use the gift. He created Angels, fishes, birds, mammals, a nice huge garden with rivers, a forbidden Tree of Life, another forbidden Tree of Knowledge, and the very first creature that would be known as 'human'.

Carl.

But Carl was a failure and died and was forgotten nearly in an instant and Yahweh never talked about it.

Pretending Carl had never existed, Yahweh created the next one, having learned from his mistakes and the fact that humans need bones to work. And thus, Adam was born. This human was more successful, and just like Life did to him, Yahweh made Adam his naming-slave. But gave him a woman to aid him at the very least.

Unlike Life who didn't even give him a wife.

Life's a bitch.

"Hey! That's not fair?"

"Who are you talking to, Sister? Is it your psychosis?"

"Psycho-what?"

"Never you mind."

Back to Yahweh and his First Humans, things got a bit awry since the two gave birth to two sons, who had no other women around.

As more and more were bred and inbred was discovered, to the point Life nearly confused a sandwich to a person born as a result of 7 lineages of inter-familial incest, Life started to develop questions regarding Her created gods, because they were… far more kinkier than she wanted them to be.

"They have problems." Death simply stated as a Nordic God named Loki giving birth to an eight-legged spider-horse. And that was hardly the strangest. "By the Void. Why? Why a horse?"

"...It's... It's not weird for them okay...? Th…They're gods… They do those kinds of things… I think… Quit looking at me like that."

"They're creeping me out. You're also freaked out. We're weirded out, Sister. Are you sure they're not abominations? If not, they certainly are turning into one."

"They're never perfect!"

"You're the one who made them imperfect."

"Well because..." Life twiddled with Her majestic fingers made of pure light, suddenly embarrassed. "…I want to be special… 'kay."

"You are special. In another term."

"Hey that's just rude!"

The other Gods and Goddesses weren't as original, so they 'borrowed' Yahweh's idea since the idea of 'patent' and 'copyright' was not yet discovered, and made their own humans who worshipped them instead. They placed them on the same planet, some in other Realms such as Valhalla, Land of the Dead, Realm of the Dead, and Australia.

"That's straight out plagiarism you know."

"Well… Yahweh didn't mind."

"You made him far too nice."

"It's his personality! He's meant to be nice and kind!"

Death snorted. Why should it matter? "Fine. But those gods of yours are narcissists and you know it."

"...Well... can't argue with that." Life pouted. "At least not all of them are vain…"

"You can have them make an altar for you if you show yourself. You are their 'Creator' or the sort."

The idea repulsed Life. "Ew no! Getting praised makes me embarrassed… it's uncomfortable."

Death would raise an eyebrow if He had one. "And you call yourself a God?"

"Eeeeee— you always make fun of me!"

"You're my only reliable source of entertainment. What else am I to do?"

"I dunno, make your own stuff?!"

"Nothing I make can ever hope to replace you, Sister."

"..." Life couldn't understand how Death could always find the words to make Her stop being mad at Him. "Hehe. You're saying I'm irreplaceable."

"For now."

"Hey what's that supposed to mean."

During the peaceful time, neither kindness or niceness was a weakness. During that one peaceful period, everything was nice. A harrowing wind of change billowed when the gods felt a taste of supremacy over others. A competition of their strength, something to test their mettle.

Power became their need. Domination became a thirst. Ambition turned them wicked.

The First Conflict was the first step towards an end; a very nihilistic end for the Age of the Gods.

At that very moment, Life muttered to Herself; "...Crap..."

But it was at that moment, Death smiled for the first time. It was at that moment He realized this was that 'missing' thing He needed; pandemonium. A chaotic break from the long lasting peace. Where Life found enjoyment in the time of peace, Death found a sprinkle of chaos to be cathartic.

The gods fought, spilled blood of others even their own brothers and sisters and even their children. Lands were ravaged. Realms were shattered. But during these times, humanity knew little of this unholy conflict. The gods were at least considerate to not drag their puny creations to fight for them.

But even so, despite His rather distorted fondness towards the disastrous bedlam, it all mattered little to Death in the end. His enjoyment did not matter. What mattered to Him, however, as it had always been and always will be, is His sister.

Nonsensical as She was; Life was kind with a heart softer than the clouds.

Her very first tears broke Her heart, and that moment Death found within him that this would not do. And it was those tears that made Him realize one thing.

He was capable of being angry.

He was furious.

He descended to their plane of existence with the force of hurricanes, ravaging the battle the Gods romanticized as the First Conflict.

Where Life had given them blessing, Death gave them a curse; an end to their immortality. And Gods became gods then.

He introduced the premise of 'death' to the power-hungry and short-minded gods during their power trip. He taught them how gripping fear could be. His black cloak and the Void-like darkness of His hood showed them terror of the unknown. His crescent blades brought an end of their godly life with each swing. He showed them the very definition of tranquil fury, sowing unholy terror without the need of uttering a single word.

Death wasn't the one who started the First Conflict, but He ended it by Himself alone. His first kill was followed with nearly a genocide of the gods. A deicide.

But Death cared little about their fate.

Life cared, though. She always cared.

She mourned for the souls lost in that single battle. A tear for every wasted life. Wasted opportunity to become greater than whatever they were.

She accused no one. Not even placing the blame on Her brother who had murdered them in cold blood. She blamed Herself, for causing Her brother to turn into someone without mercy.

For all the good She had created, She blamed Herself for an evil created by Her creations.

Death couldn't understand why. These beings were made of nothing and soon they will be reduced into nothing. From nothing to nothing. Why should they matter to Her this much?

Then again, He didn't create anything. He wasn't a creator. 'Nothing' was His fruit of labor.

Unlike Life, Death did not sow.

But He reaped. Most times as genially as possible like a touch of a lifelong lover; so comforting and so right. Sometimes a tornado that struck without warning; quick yet deadly effective. Sometimes, like a needle; a little sting with a swift end nonetheless. Ultimately, the course of His actions or inactions relied on the gods' personalities. Horrible personalities often met horrible ends.

It took Life centuries to let it all go. The depth of the sorrow She felt then was boundless. But even then, Death knew She was never quite the same. Not even Life was immune to post-traumatic stress disorder.

During those years She spent mourning, Death swore to Himself that for His sister, there should never be another Conflict. For every time they become overcome by their ambitions, He would snuff it out, prevent their plan from turning into action, and He would be there wherever a rogue god may be.

He would be the sinister reminder to humble a god.

And what better way to humble them than using the weakest of all creations? What better way to humiliate them through the most ridiculous of options among the humans?

Indeed. Death chose the boy known by his perverted deeds and immense love for the body of a woman;

Hyoudou Issei.

He had to twist Yahweh's fingers who already had plans for the boy - apparently by blessing him something called a Sacred Gear with the soul of a Dragon - but Death had His plans devised and ready, and other gods' plans wouldn't be able to hold a candle against His.

Ddraig, was the name of said Dragon… a Dragon who must be replaced for his proud personality was hardly fitting for the boy He had chosen. The Sacred Gear would then be bestowed onto others. Replacing its place would be a Dragon 'cursed' with Death's gift. And through him, Death would guide this easily-distracted human boy to become the Gods' Rightful Slayer. Their Executioner, should Death required him to be.

Life got pretty upset with Him for a while when She learned Death had harassed Yahweh. She didn't talk to Him for a few days, but that was nothing Death and His crafty mind couldn't handle. A few headpats and He had earned His forgiveness.


[I]

||Hyoudou Issei, Death's Chosen||


Issei died.

Yuuma killed him.

Or Raynare.

Both?

Well it didn't matter. What really matters when you're dead?

His ex-girlfriend tricked and killed him for some bullshit reasons about something inside him that wasn't in his pants. Told him he had a potential to destroy the world. Destroy the world? He didn't even know what's in the other half of it! And he failed his Geology test just days ago!

Never had he expected he would be murdered on his first date. Not by a crazed yandere girlfriend even, but by a Fallen Angel. Who was actually pretty crazy.

Of course his 'death day' would be the day he discovered the existence of these nifty supernatural stuff. Spears made purely from light? How badass was that? And sexy girls with wings?! He had wanted to be hit by a truck and get isekaid all this time he didn't realize he never had to.

Too bad he wouldn't be alive to experience this new world.

But at the very least, he saw more than just her cleavage. He got to see her sideboobs and her underboobs, many sides of her boobs that weren't covered by her gravity-defying outfit, all thanks to the fallen angel's weird scanty getup. And to him, it was enough reasons to die with little regret.

.

.

.

Dying felt… empty.

Kinda bland.

Sorta like paper.

He could see, but there wasn't really anything to see. Like being inside a completely dark room. He felt he was somewhere, at some place, but he had no idea where. He floated in the abyss and his feet weren't touching anything, and he couldn't hear, smell, or feel anything. He couldn't even see himself, but he could move his limbs. It was a weird feeling.

The sound of complete silence was surreal and creepy, he realized. His mind was starting to play tricks on him.

However…

No paradise of skimpy-clothed well-endowed women in sight... No 72 virgins either... Just a plain, boring, endless of vast blackness that no light seemed to be able to penetrate.

He came to the conclusion that death truly sucked.

"You take that back."

"Whoa… what?" Issei looked around frantically at the nothingness laid before him. He was sure he heard a man's voice, or at least it was a male's voice. It was rough, deep, and echoey. Very bass-y and menacing-like, but hollow as if the voice had gone through a long tube.

"How do you do? Issei Hyoudou." Greeted said being who had emerged from the blackness as if stepping through a layer of thick black smoke; a being as great and enormous as a dragon, but bigger than any dragons he had ever seen in movies.

"Hey, that rhymed."

And it was a dragon. A huge dragon in fact. A dragon so huge that Issei thought its arm alone could fit an entire football stadium on its own. Its jagged, skeletal scales were clad in black- almost as black as the nothingness around him, but with a polished purple shine that they were somehow visible. Purplish smoke surrounded its near-skeletal body, and its two eyes shone a dark purple light through the smoldering smokes around its body.

Issei's jaw naturally dropped. Dragons are cool, but not when one's directly in front of him.

"Calm down. People die when they are killed, but you can't die while you're still dead."

"Wh-wh-what? What is this? Am I dreaming? What kind of a dream is this?!"

"If this is a dream then at least it isn't a nightmare." The Dragon spoke. It sounded rather lax for a dragon as massive and menacing as this one. "I am…"

The Void Dragon paused.

Death paused.

He hadn't given a thought about giving this Devourer a name. Death had never bothered with naming things and perhaps had forgotten about this crucial thing about one's identity. He could ask His sister, but if He did, then She would suggest something dumb like "Arnold". Or "Dio". Or "Seifer". Names that wouldn't befit a dragon who wandered the Void.

His long pause didn't go unnoticed.

"…You are?" Issei asked again, the suspense killing him.

"…Balthazar. Pardon the wait." Death realized naming was difficult. He now understood the struggle of those gamers with custom characters. "I'm a dragon, as you can see. Wayfarer of the Void; a place similar to the one you are right now. Harbinger of the End, Destroyer of Worlds, the Winged Death. And others."

"…And others?"

"I just made those up, but we'll earn other titles I'm sure. Your world loves handing out epithets that roll nicely on the tongue." Balthazar reasoned, "Balthazar the Dreaded, for example, to all who will learn my name through you."

"…Uh… What do you mean? Titles? Dreaded? …Are you part of the baddies?"

"…" With a long sigh, Balthazar explained the premise of Sacred Gears and Longinus. God's Gift and all that, making up his own 'story' of Sacred Gears as he explained, and that his Sacred Gear was a very unique one and never-before-seen-or-heard Longinus. Most of it was a big fat lie.

"So. Simply put, you are Death's Chosen."

"W-wait… hold on…" Issei stammered, shaking his non-visible head to make sure he didn't mishear. "Death's Chosen?"

Balthazar nodded. "Aye. It's a long story, but just know that I am Death's creation, just as you are God's creation."

"D-Death as in… God of Death?"

"No. Just Death."

Issei thought for a moment. This was getting crazier by the second. "Death like… the idea?"

"No. Just Death."

That didn't help at all, but Issei rolled with it. He doubted he had the mental capacity even in death to process this kind of thing.

"…And I'm His Chosen…?"

"Aye. You were handpicked to carry my soul. You should be grateful to Him; you're His first ever Chosen."

"Whoa-whoa-whoa—Death handpicked me? And to not die?! I thought Death picks people to die?"

"I recommend you don't try and guess the will of the Gods. They never make much sense anyway and will only hurt your head."

"R-right… I guess I'll just accept it… for now."

"Yes. I can answer questions later."

"But I'm dead—" Issei wasn't a smart boy by the standard definition; his grades were average, but he was a quick learner. Some teachers say that had he tried, he could get straight 80s. "—does this mean I get a second chance in my life?!"

"Yes, and no."

Issei's spirit slumped. Literally.

"You will have your second chance, and no, as it won't be just your life. Your life is mine as well, Hyoudou Issei. Should you die, I too shall perish. So it's within our best interest for you not to die."

Not exactly, but it was told to give the boy a reassurance that a dragon will overlook his life. That should grant some sense of security.

"Really? Awesome." Issei nodded approvingly. Having a literal dragon and a giant one guiding his life? He couldn't ask for better. This was like those (mostly) trashy wish-fulfillment isekai manga he read but better and he didn't need to get hit by a truck. "…Wait, wait… there's a catch, is there…?"

"Why of course. Everything has a catch." The Dragon grinned, revealing his white fangs and row of sharp teeth, causing Issei to flinch. "Becoming my vessel is among them. Worry not, I'll guide you through everything when the time comes, and even get you laid."

"You son of a—" Issei held himself back, "-say no more; I'm in."

"…"

"What?"

"I appreciate your simplemindedness. Applaud it, even. If more were like you… I'm not sure, frankly. The world could be a horrible place for women."

"H-hey now… that hurts."

"A small jest. No harm intended."

"Well. That's cool. I would high five you if I could right now— but what will happen to me?"

Balthazar chuckled deeply. He was Death's First Creation, and as Death was quite fond of determined energetic youths; so was he. It seemed He found their gullibility made them easy to control. Not that He would trick Issei into doing something idiotic; He wouldn't have to. No doubt the boy would do it either way.

"You'll have choices."

Two doorways appeared behind him, and as Issei turned around, they swung open on their own, revealing a blinding light that dimmed gradually.

"Where do they go?"

"Doors mostly stay in their place."

"..." For a second, Issei thought Balthazar was saying something smart until he realized what just happened.

On his left, it showed the scenery of the very park he died in. It even had the fountain and the girl who killed him, currently frozen in time.

On his right, his bedroom. He would never forget his own very normal bedroom and his very normal painted drywall. The digital clock on his bedside table showed 06:04. About half an hour before his daily alarm would wake him.

"Walk through the door on the right, and you'll wake in the morning. Everything that has happened will be nulled. You will of course, retain your memory and remember everything until now. Head there, and you'll restart your day."

Issei paused, thinking. "…You can do that?"

"Not me. Death can."

"Woah." That was cool. "Can I do that too? Or can He do that too in the future?"

"No. This is a one-time offer."

"Oh… but what if I die again? I-I mean not to doubt you or anything, but shit happens you know… I-I mean, bad things."

"It's fine. Mutter your curse words, I don't care." Balthazar said, surprising Issei who had imagined dragons would be uptight about cusses. "The future is never certain until it becomes the present, but let's not worry about the future too much shall we? It's the present that's important."

"D-damn… alright. That was kinda deep dude…"

"You learn from experiences." Balthazar laughed. "The door on your left will lead you straight back to the very moment you died; at the very moment that fallen angel speared you."

"…Won't I just die again then? I have a… a hole in my chest."

Balthazar gazed upon him solemnly, as if rethinking his life choices. "I understand this may sound to be an insurmountable task I am asking you; but try not to be a complete idiot. Why would I send you back to your death."

"…Ouch…"

"You won't die." Balthazar continued, "You will feel pain, that's unavoidable, but you won't die at the least. I'll keep you safe and lend you a hand. How you want to deal with the rest is all up to you; the choices are yours to make, treat me more as your ever-present advisor."

Issei stared at the door leading to the park, toward the Fallen Angel with the sinister smile. Amano Yuuma… No, Raynare… His first 'girlfriend' of his life, his first 'love'. Albeit it was just an act, he did feel happy. She might have faked it, but his feelings were real to him. The pain of betrayal hurt like a dagger to the heart.

"…I… Um… have a favor… Bal- Balsa- Balto- Baltozaru… er…"

"…It appears my name is quite difficult for you to pronounce." Death pondered a little. Maybe He should have considered the boy's difficulty to perfectly pronounce non-Japanese names. Bah. No need. The boy would come to learn.

Issei mulled for a bit. "...What about 'Raz'? Is 'Raz' alright? Sounds pretty good to me… "

A violet puff of smoke huffed through the dragon's nostrils. "Sure. We'll go with that."

"Sweet. Gotta say you're unexpectedly reasonable for a Dragon—n-not that I mean anything bad, it's just that I thought dragons would be… uh… you know… from games and movies, they're pretty…"

"Excessively haughty? Prideful?" Balthazar let loose of purple flames from the sides of his maw, surprising Issei as it split through the darkness. "That's the problem for this world's dragons. Not necessarily limited to dragons either. Listen closely, boy, anything that possesses power will struggle with their humility. Power comes in any form. Money, raw strength, intellect, or for your case; me.

"You can aim for all the women in the world you want, but do not -and I cannot stress this enough- do not be ignorant. Remain grounded at all times even when you've reached the very top. That's why gravity exists."

"O-okay. I swear I'll try. I don't think I like bragging anyway… unless for a joke." Issei had the sense to pale and gulped at that, because Balthazar looked quite pissed. And an angry dragon, up close, even in the afterlife, was not a calming sight to be had.

Luckily for him, Balthazar calmed down easily. "Don't just 'try'. Do it."

"Right. Yes. Of course! I'll do my damn best! I don't have many things I can brag about anyway!" Except for his 'collections'. And that was something he could only brag to his two friends anyway.

"Good." A grin. "So, what is it about your favor?"

"Oh right… you see, I—"

As Issei explained his stunning request, Death soon realized He had made the right call. Life through this boy's eyes would be rather… exciting. Daring. Bold. Thrilling. Full of the unexpected.

And full of a woman's ample bosoms.


Break


"Please let me know if I did anything wrong."

Was the boy's humble wish. For this perverted and healthy young human male, all he wanted was to ensure he didn't make any mistakes to the woman who would kill him after their date. Issei entered the door and re-lived a day in his life as he did earlier, waiting to hear Balthazar's word of advice if he had done something wrong, if he came out too strongly for his date, if he didn't give her enough attention, if he brought her to the wrong restaurant. He wanted to hear if he simply wasn't good enough for her.

But throughout their whole date, Balthazar never said a single word.

And it ended the exact, same way, with the same five-worded phrase.

"Will you die for me?"

He hadn't made any mistakes, and yet somehow, he still failed. Nothing changed.

{Do you realize it now, boy?}

'Yeah…' Issei thought somberly as Amano Yuuma turned into Raynare.

{It was never your fault.}

'…I know…'

{I'm sorry it ends this way. There are things you can't change, unfortunately, but your effort is noted.}

'It's alright. I kinda expected this too, I just wanted to make sure, y'know? But fucking hell man, this sucks. This sucks major ass. My chest hurts so much, and it doesn't even have holes in it yet!'

No. That single stubborn word of childish refusal echoed deep within him. This would not end that way again. He, Issei Hyoudou, should be the one to determine his own story.

"WAAAAAITT!" Issei screamed at the top of his lungs, stopping Raynare from her mid-monologue and even surprising Balthazar- including Death who was watching.

Still having her buzzing lightspear, Raynare eyed at him with a confused but annoyed gaze. "What? Do you finally want to beg for your life? Not that it'll change my mind."

"No, I wanna parley." Issei groveled. A dogeza for you nerds out there including the writer himself; a form of the most extreme Japanese way of apologizing or a deep desire for a favor.

His following request would forever haunt her.

"LET ME FEEL YOUR TITS!"

"…"

{…}

"…"

"…" Issei refused to look back up until he heard a response; either that, or another lightspear pierced his head.

"…Are… are you an idiot?" Was Raynare's dumbfounded reply. "I'm going to kill you, you know?"

"I know and that's exactly why!" He looked at her. His brown eyes were filled with determination and the burning dreams of a youthful boy. "Let me feel them! Just the tip! Don't you understand how painful it is just staring at your body? Knowing that I'll die without ever copping a feel of a woman's body?! Let me experience it once! Just once! Before you try and kill me!"

"Y-you're literally the scum of the earth. I'd still kill you even without any other reason."

Balthazar noticed something Issei failed to notice since he was focused on his beg; Raynare wavered. Her intent to kill him wasn't as strong anymore, and without realizing it, her lightspear was starting to lose its malevolent energy.

{You tell her boy.} Balthazar rooted, Death was equally as interested. {Show her how passionate you are to your desires.}

'HEEEELLLL YEAH I WILL!'

"YES! I AM SCUM. So please, before you kill me, bless these hands o'mine with your flesh. Look at them! They're practically spilling." True. Raynare was quite… affront with her choice of getup. So very little flesh was covered, and that was perfectly fine for him. More feast for the eyes! "At least let me die knowing I've held the chest of a beautiful lady!"

"Beautiful… eh? You think words can save your life-"

"I MEAN IT!" Issei shouted with the willpower that was comparable to the power of friendship in those corny action manga. "You're the hottest girl I've ever seen in my whole life! In fact, you're so hot I don't care if you kill me! Just let me feel them once!"

"K-kuh—why you…" Her hand started to shake, her resolve to end this boy's life began to crumble.

Once again, Issei groveled. The tips of his brown hair scrubbed the sandy surface of the park's ground, and his forehead was level with it. "Please! Hear out this scummy boy's one wish! What else you got to loose huh?"

And then, the unthinkable happened.

"Tch… F-fine…"

"YEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Issei dual-fistpumped the still air, like a professional football player scoring a match-winning goal at the last minute. Pure euphoria. Pure happiness. A lifetime achievement had been gained.

{HAHAHA! You did it boy!} Issei's burning fortitude resonated even through Balthazar, the Wayfarer of the Void. The Scion of the Primeval Death had been moved, and he roared a booming laughter.

For once in Death's very long life, a human managed to surprise Him. In a good way. Needless to say, Death was impressed. And with this, He knew for sure Issei wouldn't let Him down and left Balthazar to guide this boy, for Death had other matters to attend to than just observing the boy's journey on becoming His Chosen; such as calming down His frustrated Sister after witnessing such an act of degeneracy.

But now came the most important moment- the moment he had been waiting throughout his life, from the time he built a replica of his ideal pair of tits at the sandpit when he was just 9 years old, from the time he first discovered the existence of porn magazines, from the time his friends showed him the joys of 18+ eroge games; the time to fondle his first pair of real, actual, living, fleshy boobs.

However, Issei was faced with another conflict. Where should he first grab?

"Hmm…" He held back his drool as he inspected these pairs of fine fleshy mounds held in place by a thin black cloth. Being able to see a pair of tits this close without getting whacked was a first for him, and that alone had been an achievement itself, but at this very time, Issei was focused.

"The side? The upper-side? Or the underboobs? Hmm… By theory, the underboobs should feel the most heavenly because of gravity… but the firm sides can't be underestimated either..."

Raynare could feel his eyes were practically groping her already, and, even for a fallen angel with a heart as clouded as hers, she still felt bashful.

"Just get on with it!"

"NO! This is an important decision in my life that I mustn't take lightly. So I'm sorry, Raynare-san, but I must consider this thoroughly, else I'm gonna regret it."

"…O-okay…" Raynare whimpered, visibly taken aback.

{You even silenced her without my intervention. You surprise me, boy. Well done. I'd have ended her myself. I can hardly wait to see the future you'll shape.}

'Shut up! I'm thinking!'

{BAHAHAHA!}

And then, at last! Divine enlightenment arrived.

As his eyes traveled across her smooth plains, he detected a certain stiffness at a peculiar part of her black cloth.

The nipples.

They had hardened.

Of course. How could he have been so troubled when the answers were right under his nose? Literally?

Target locked, hands primed and ready, Issei finally showed his trademark smile that was shown whenever tits were on his sight.

"Hehe—here I go!"

"Fallen Angel Raynare."

"—!" Before his hands could land on their designated plumpy targets, Raynare moved away from him reflexively, and even adopting a defensive stance as her attention was torn away from him. "You…"

"NNNNNOOOOOO!"

Issei followed the stern warning voice, and saw Rias Gremory with her hands held beneath her buxom chest. But alas, those pairs were even further than the ones earlier.

Regret started to settle.

"You have the nerve to try and kill a male student within my territory." Rias' eyes narrowed, and a small challenging smirk etched her lips. "Need I remind you I do not take trespassers lightly?"

Raynare clicked her tongue in a villainous-fashion, but her glare was directed at the boy before her. "Hmph. Was all of that a ruse of yours? Stalling my time? Distracting me while you wait for a devil's help?"

"Huh? Devils? What're you on a bout, I really was—"

Issei was silenced by Raynare's further response; "You win this time… Hyoudou Issei. The next time we meet, you won't be as lucky."

"And who says there will be a next time?" Rias readied a black ball of demonic energy within her palm.

"You and your fancy words." And Raynare proceeded to cast something that exploded like a flashbang, blinding the devil and the human.

When their visions returned, Raynare had disappeared.

And with her, the tits. An opportunity lost. A great loss to all Isseikind. How could fate be so heartless?

The pair of tits he had ever been the closest to. They should have been resting within his palms as he felt their firmness, their special softness, their shape that was like no other.

Instead, he was left with empty hands and his life. It was so close. So, so close… It was right there. Right there. He could even see them hanging in the air. How could this happen to him? Why? WHYYYY?!

Issei slumped to the ground, this feeling of defeat was harsher than earlier feelings of heartbreak.

He wanted to cry.

Even Balthazar felt bad. {You uh… You'll get them next time… Pal.}

'They're gone, Raz… They were RIGHT THERE. And now they're gone…'

"Hyoudou Issei, right? Are you okay?"

With a single tear strolling down his cheek, Issei faced his senior, and muttered weakly; "No, Senpai… I'm afraid I am not."

"…!" Rias felt the strings of her heart tugged as she saw the face of the dejected boy; so dreary and tired. A pang ebbed within her chest, giving birth to a desire to protect.

Slowly, she approached him, unaware that the reason for his silent tear was, in fact, a pair of tits, and not because of a mental trauma caused by facing a near death scenario.

"It's alright… Everything will be okay."

Issei started to sob. He had lost a great opportunity in his life, all because of his indecisiveness. Raynare's breasticles. Gone. Thankfully not reduced to atoms, but still. They were gone. Far beyond his reach once again... And she even mistook all of that as an act as if that wasn't bad enough already. Was fate playing with him?

"…You're very upset aren't you? It's okay. I understand it was scary, but it's over now. I'll help you feel better, Hyoudou Issei. You can rest easy now."

{Hm. It appears she has severely misunderstood the situation. Impressive, partner, not only you've coaxed the Fallen Angel, you tricked even the Devil. Do you really need my supervision?}

Issei continued to sob, until his visions started to darken around the edges.

"Wh—Hey! Hyoudou! Get a hold of yourself!"

{Ah right, since you didn't get any rest after your death, your body will be quite exhausted. Don't worry lad, I'll make sure nothing happens to you.}

Nothing happened. Exactly. Nothing fucking happened. Issei sobbed louder even as his body slept within Rias' embrace.

Little did the devil know she had just become a part of the misunderstanding of the century.


To be continued


Can you feel it? That's the power of scum and trash getting through Raynare's darkest heart. The power to pierce the heavens.

Initially I was going to make Balthazar to be like, standard dragon-ny like. Pompous, prideful and whatnot, but thought that it was boring. SO I made him into Issei's absolute wingman.

Or wingdragon idk

Sorry Ddraig fans, but he won't be pardnerin' with our homeboy Issei this time. You'll see who he gets paired with. Probably.

Also, Tiamat will be making her appearance. Vali might have tits. Kiba might have tits. Gasper will probably stay as Gasper. This will be the ultimate shitpost of a story and you will enjoy it. But don't get me wrong, EVERY character will have their characters developed compared to their canon counterpart. Every single one of them that I use to progress the plot, and even the side characters like Riser and Sairaorg's peerage. Well. Maybe not the entire peerage.

Serafall will be a wee bit mature but still fucks around when the time and place is right. Fem Vali won't just instantly fall in love at first sight with Issei. Hell, none of his haremettes will. I am highly confident in my writing skills to develop actual romance between the casts as realistic as possible, and that includes other male protagonists in dxd

And no. This is not a wish-fulfillment story and I do not position myself as "Issei". I'm not that pathetic and I have a fiancee who will gladly hang me if I start to fantasize about 2D women

Issei will be as degenerate as he is chivalrous at the same time. Who says you can't love ass n tiddies while retaining a little bit of chivalric values?

REVIEW. FOLLOW. FAVORITE. I mean it. Your reviews, follows, and favorites determine the continuation of this semi-serious semi-trash fic. Don't let Issei's dreams be dreams