The Big Race
A Homestar Runner Fanfic
By Laura McDaniel
"Greetings, everyone, and welcome to THE BIG RACE!" the mustached sports announcer exclaimed over the sound system. Suddenly, Bubs popped up behind him and whispered something in the announcer's ear. Then, the announcer said, "Oh, yes, that's THE BIG RACE SPONSORED BY BUB'S CONSCESSION STAND!" The spectators sitting in bleachers around the racetrack cheered and clapped. "The competitors are Strong Sad...Strong Bad...Pom-Pom...Homestar Runner, and a newcomer to Free County USA's athletic scene: Homeschool Winner!"
Meanwhile, at the starting line, the runners were warming up. Coach Z was standing by and observing them. Nothing seemed out of place, except for the fact that Strong Sad was chanting, "I'm #1!" to himself, until Coach Z noticed that Homestar was just standing there and staring at Homeschool. "What's the matter there, Homestar?" Coach Z asked.
"It's that Homeschool Winner guy, Coach Z," Homestar replied. "I mean, who the heck is he?"
"Well, I really don't know much about 'im myself, but I told him to sign up 'cause he can run really fast. I mean, you might 'ave a 'ard time keepin' up with him. I mean, he's..." Coach Z finally noticed that Homestar was starting to look discouraged. "Er...I mean, don't worry about him too much. You'll do fine." He walked away from Homestar saying, "Now I'm gonna go bet all my money on Homeschool..."
Homestar sighed and Pom-Pom inquisitively bubbled at him.
"It's just that I've never seen Coach Z get that excited about another athlete before, Pom-Pom. It kind of makes me nervous..."
"Yeah, you're wight...I shouldn't be so hard on myself."
While that conversation was going on, Strong Bad was trying to look like he was working out, but it was quite apparent that he was watching for something. "Where's The Cheat? There's not much time!"
"Nyak!" came a voice from next to Strong Bad. He turned around to see The Cheat holding what appeared to be a map.
"There you are, The Cheat! Holy crap, what took you so long?"
"Wahanadwagado!" The Cheat exclaimed, handing Strong Bad the map.
Strong Bad looked at the map. "I don't know, The Cheat, I don't see why this is such an awesome plan. Looks pretty dumb to me. I mean, so, we tell him we've got a shortcut and lead him into this cave instead? Then what?"
"Nagana!" The Cheat pointed to something on the map and Strong Bad took another look at it.
"Oh, now I see it. Holy crap, The Cheat. That's brilliant! I'm buying you a pizza!"
"What do you mean I didn't buy you a pizza the last twenty times I said that?"
The Cheat growled.
"Look, I'll get you one this time, I promise."
The Cheat took his map back and then looked around a bit. He caught sight of Homeschool Winner and turned back to Strong Bad. "Wooadat?"
"That guy? Oh, I don't know. He looks like a real dork to me, so just don't think about him. Homestar's still the one that we want!"
"The race is about to start!" the announcer called.
"Better get out of here, The Cheat."
"Nyak!" The Cheat exclaimed. Then, he skittered off into the distance.
"Racers, take your places..." the announcer said.
The runners all got into their respective places and prepared to run.
"Ready...Set...GO!" The announcer fired a gun, and the race was on.
Pom-Pom and Strong Sad were in the rear. Even though it usually took Pom-Pom a while to gain speed, he still raced because he enjoyed it. While Strong Sad ran, he chanted to himself, "I'm #1...I'm #1..." But when Pom-Pom bounced past him, Strong Sad was quite aware that he wasn't anywhere near being #1. He stopped in his tracks and sighed, "Oh well. No use wasting my energy here. I think I'll go home and see if Homsar wants to play something..." At that, he turned around and left the track.
Upon seeing Strong Sad leave, the announcer said, "Hmm, well, looks like Strong Sad is continuing what seems to have become a tradition for him: he's quitting the race! That leaves us with four competitors."
Homestar Runner and Homeschool Winner were in the lead, almost neck and neck. Homestar thought that this might be a good time to introduce himself to the newcomer. "Hewwo, I'm Homestar Wunner."
"Your name is Homestar Wunner?" Homeschool said.
"No, not 'Wunner!' It's 'Wunner!' I mean...uh..."
"You mean that you can't say your own name? Well, I know you can say mine: I'm Homeschool Winner."
"That is a gweat name!"
"Oh? You think so, huh? Well...you know why that's my name?"
"'caue I always win!"
"Oh, not this time!" Homestar said, "I can wun weally, weally, fast."
"Well, not faster than me."
Homestar looked down at his and Homeschool's feet, "Uh...we are wunning at the same speed!"
"My point exactly. Look, this race must be really boring for all of those people to watch.
So, how about you just give up and let me win?"
"What? No way!"
"I guess I'll need a different approach..." Homeschool muttered. To Homestar, he said,
"Hey, look over there! It's a giant, floating glass of melonade!"
"What? Where?" Homestar stopped to look around.
"Where I'm pointing!" Homeschool said while he sped past Homestar.
"But you don't have any hands!"
"Just keep looking!"
"Holy crap!" Strong Bad exclaimed when he saw Homeschool run past Homestar. "Seems that Homeschool guy already figured out how dumb Homestar is. Well, I'll worry about him later. I'd better get to Homestar while I have the chance." He slowed down and walked up to Homestar at a leisurely pace. "Hey, Homestar! Why'd you stop running?"
"Oh, I'm lookin' for a giant, floating glass of melonade. Homeschool Winner said he saw one."
"Uh, do you see Homeschool Winner?"
"Of course, Stwong Bad, he's right next to me."
"Guess again, Homestar. He played a trick on you so he could get ahead!" He pointed to where Homeschool was.
Homestar looked where Strong Bad was pointing and gasped. "No...way! He cheated!"
"Isn't that awful? Well, there's only one thing to do when something like that happens."
"Wait for Pom-Pom to show up and save the day?"
"No! You've got to cheat, too!"
"But...isn't cheating wrong?"
"Not when you've been cheated first. I mean, you want to catch up with him, right?"
"It just so happens that I know a nice short cut that will get you right to the finish line. That is, if you want it..."
Pom-Pom had finally started to catch up with his friend, and when he heard Strong Bad talking, he squinted slightly in disgust.
Homestar saw Homeschool turn the corner ahead of where he and Strong Bad were standing. Sounding slightly uncertain, he turned to the masked man and said, "OK, Stwong Bad, I'll do it."
Strong Bad laughed. "You are such an idiot, Homestar! Err, I mean, good choice. No follow me!"
Strong Bad and Homestar ran ahead and around the corner. Pom-Pom bounced steadily behind them, hoping he could stop Homestar from doing anything crazy.
Around the corner, there was a large cave with a sign in front of it. Homeschool ran right past it, but Homestar and Strong Bad stopped there. "Ug, I thought The Cheat said he was going to move that sign!" the masked wrestler muttered. Well, I've just to make sure Homestar doesn't see it."
"Hey, Stwong Bad, what does that sign say?" Homestar asked.
"Uh...it says, 'THIS IS A TOP OF COOL SHORTCUT FOR HOMESTAR RUNNER THAT WILL GET HIM RIGHT TO THE STARTING LINE!'" He jumped in front of the sign.
"Oh! OK...so, I just go through the cave?"
Homeschool had slowed down his pace because he thought that Homestar was far behind. However, hearing about the shortcut piqued his interest. Not being familiar with Strong Bad, he didn't know that the whole thing was just a trick. He yelled, "NO WAY AM I GOING TO LET HOMESTAR WIN! THE SHORTCUT IS MINE!" He ran straight past Homestar and Strong Bad.
"Oh no, Stwong Bad, Homeschool got there fist. Now I can't win!" Homestar sighed.
"This is great! This plan is working better than I thought! I mean...I'm sorry, Homestar, but you might still be able to catch up, if you go in the cave."
Homestar was about to set foot in the cave when he heard a familiar bubbling sound. Pom-Pom had come to the rescue!
"Holy crap! Pom-Pom, why do you always have to save the day?" Strong Bad yelled.
"Huh?" Homestar asked. "Don't tell me Pom-Pom knows about the shortcut, too!"
Pom-Pom let out a frustrated sigh that sounded like the faint murmur of bubbles. He pushed Strong Bad to the ground, allowing Homestar to read it:
DO NOT FEED!
"Huh? What's an ungurait?" Homestar asked.
Getting back up, Strong Bad replied, "I don't know. They're these weird little hooded...things that don't like The King of Town very much. They're cannibals now 'cause he came by and ate all their food."
Pom-Pom nodded and bubbled. He motioned for Homestar to peer inside the cave.
All though he momentarily thought better of it, the armless runner did as his friend suggested. There, in the dimly lit front room, four short creatures dressed in green were busy stirring something in a large cauldron that was sitting over a roaring fire. Their heads were covered in white clothes and all that was visable of their faces were their eyes glowing in anticipation.
Homeschool Winner poked his head out from inside the cauldron and he screamed, "GET ME OUT OF HEEEEERE!"
Homestar gasped and turned away in disgust. "That's just not wight."
Pom-Pom bubbled something at Homestar.
"OK, Pom-Pom, I'll go win that race!" Homestar exclaimed.
"Not if I can help it!" Strong Bad exclaimed. But, before he could get up, Pom-Pom kicked him in the head and he fell down again.
"Thanks, Pom-Pom!" Homestar said. Then, he took off.
Homestar went on to cross the finish line and finish the race. "Ladies and gentlemen," the announcer declared, "the winner of THE BIG RACE..."
Bubs glared at the announcer.
"Err...I mean, the winner of THE BIG RACE SPONSORED BY BUBS'S CONCESSION STAND is...HOMESTAR RUNNER!"
The crowd cheered wildly while Homestar climbed up onto the platform where the announcer was standing. Then, the announcer handed Homestar a shiny trophy.
Not too long after, Pom-Pom bounced across the finish line, followed by Strong Bad, who was holding his head. Homestar smiled and called, "Pom-Pom, get up here!"
Pom-Pom blinked and bounced up the platform. Homestar passed him the trophy. "Pom-Pom, you're the one who really deserves this," he said.
Pom-Pom bubbled gratefully.
The announcer peered at the race track through his binoculars. "Well...now we just need to wait for Homeschool Winner..."
"Uh, Mr. Announcer Guy," Homestar said, talking into the announcer's microphone, "you don't have to worry about him."
"Oh, why not?"
"He ran into the Unguraits' cave and, well, now, he's a Homeschool Dinner!"
Everyone at the race laughed...
...except Strong Bad. "I hate these crappy endings where everyone laughs!" he grumbled.