Author's Note: Sorry this took a while. I got a bit of writer's block. I'm just glad I did decide to continue this.
The song featured here is a parody of Cuban Pete from the original Mask movie. I let it keep its name because I couldn't come up with a different one. Besides, I think the "chick-chicky-boom" line was pretty catchy.
Any and all comments are welcome.
Stanley opened his eyes with his head feeling heavy like concrete. He emerged from the master bed he was sleeping in and looked out the giant window. The castle he was in stood at the top of a large cliff. That's when he realized…
"Wait, castle? This isn't my castle."
"You're right, it isn't."
Stanley turned around and screamed with his eyes bulging out. Before him was an enormous man in black armor. He didn't have a head on his shoulder, but her carried a black helmet with red eyes inside with his arm.
"Who do you think you are barging in on my territory?" the headless man asked. "I am Verdia, one of the Devil King's top generals! And yet, a mere human like you managed to somehow dash through my minions and sleep in my bed? Such insolence!"
Stanley looked and saw the wooden mask he got on the bed. He then remembered everything that happened when he was taken over by a much more comical personality. He couldn't believe himself. But now, he had to focus on escaping this headless knight
"Look, man. I didn't know about any of this. It's complicated, and I'm not sure what's going on. How about you let me go with my mask and we'll call it a day?"
"Call it a day?" Verdia asked as he swiped the mask from the bed. "Don't make me laugh, human! I've already been disrespected enough! First, that crimson demon girl kept firing explosions at my castle day after day! I punished her by exposing her friend to a death curse that would have killed her last week! And yet, that crimson demon never even came to avenge her friend! Not only that, but she kept blowing up my castle more! I may be a servant of evil now, but when I was alive, I was an honorble knight! It's time that I take action! And as for you, little interloper…" Verdia reached out his hand. Stanley tried to run, but the Dullahan was just fast enough to catch him. "You're coming with me as my hostage."
"Oh, man." Stanley whimpered.
There were a lot of things Verdia expected when he came to the beginner village. The girl he cursed, the one called Darkness, being alive was not one of them. The blue-haired arch-priest, Aqua, admitted to cleansing her and continued onto mocking Verdia.
"What a joke! The big bad demon general got stood up and looked like an idiot!"
"ENOUGH!" Verdia shouted. He then grabbed onto a chain and pulled hard. Stanley was thrown across tied up to the end of those chains. "If you won't take me seriously, then I shall have to set an example! Watch as this human dies right before…"
"Uh, who is that?" Aqua asked.
"What?" Verdia asked.
"Who is that? We've never seen him before."
"Wait? He's not from here?"
"Wow." Darkness said staring at Stanley's situation. "Poor boy. He's straining with those chains coiled around him probably squeezing him like a cold, hard boa constrictor. I must take his place to save him!"
"You just want to get tied up, don't you?" asked her party member, Kazuma Satou. He knew the kind of stuff his crusader was into, so he wasn't just unsurprised, he was completely over it.
"I gotta get out of here." Stanley thought in his head. "I may need to…" He looked on over to Verdia's belt seeing his wooden mask hanging off of it. Carefully, he stood up while the Dullahan was distracted.
"It doesn't matter where he's from!" Verdia shouted. "I will make you all watch as my hordes of the undead shall…"
He stopped when Stanley jumped. Thankfully, his face impacted at the inside of the mask. In a flash of light, Stanley spun in a tornado as Verdia took a few steps back with his horse. When the spinning stopped, the Mask stood there chained up. The villagers were baffled at the sight of it.
"Hmm." The Mask exclaimed as he observed the chains. "Nice bling, but I don't think this coat's my style." He took a deep breath, and his whole stomach shrunk to near disappearance. The chains fell and he put his body back to normal.
"What in the world…" Verdia asked.
"In a minute, metal-head." The Mask said. He suddenly dashed toward the villagers and appeared behind Darkness. She gasped when she saw him wearing a black-and-white stripe suit and a red beret. "Bonjour."
"Uh… Hi?" Darkness asked nervously.
"No need to be nervous, my armored blossom." The Mask said. "Je t'adore. Je t'window. I don't care. Our love is like a red, red rose, and I am a little... thorny. I can… 'reveal my croissant'. I will spread your pate. I WILL DIP MY LADLE IN YOUR VICHYSSOISE! What do you say?"
"What?!" Darkness asked blushing over her face.
"What is with this guy?" Kazuma asked. "And why is he French? We're in a fantasy world."
"You got me." Aqua said. "Wait, I wonder if…"
"And now," the Mask continued, "Like Napoleon, I will divide and conquer. But first, a little love tap."
"Love… tap?" Darkness asked shaking in her armor.
"And by tap, I of course mean… WEDGIE!" The Mask grabbed onto Darkness' underpants and pulled them above her head. Darkness struggled with the sudden act as every gasped and the Mask cackled loudly. "SOMEBODY, STOP ME!"
"THAT CAN BE ARRANGED!" Verdia shouted as he swung his blade.
The sword made impact with the Mask's green head and it fell to its side. But much to everyone's surprise, the body in the zoot suit picked up the head.
"Hey, Verdia, look!" the Mask said holding onto his own head. "We're twinsies!"
"H… HOW!" Verdia shouted. "This is impossible!"
"That's funny," the Mask said as he put his head back on his neck, "Coming from a dead man walking… Or at least, riding on a death pony."
While that happened, Kazuma, Aqua, and Megumin removed the underwear from Darkness' head revealing her blushing face.
"Why'd you stop?" Darkness asked. "I mean, how horrendous."
"Yeah," Kazuma said with a tired expression, "We already know you liked it."
"It doesn't matter!" Verdia shouted. "You may have survived that swing, but that doesn't matter with my undead army!" He moved away revealing several skeleton warriors in dark armor. "They'll teak you apart until there's nothing left to save!"
"Ruh, roh." The Mask said. He nervously looked around, then cracked a wicked smile. He jumped forward snapping his fingers. "HIT IT!"
Suddenly, the entire area went dark. When a spotlight shined on the Mask, he had on a very different attire. He wore a sombrero and Spanish dancing clothes. Spanish music played out of nowhere as he pulled out a pair of maracas and shook them to the music. Everyone around him stared in disbelief. That's when the Mask began to sing.
They call me Cuban Pete
I'm the spiciest at my peak
Wherever I go, everything goes chick-chicky-boom
Yes, sir, I'm Cuban Pete
I'm the trend that can't be beat
When I start shaking, everything goes chick-chicky-boom
Those pretty ladies
They get crazy
When I'm around
It's very nice
So full of spice
And when they follow my lead
To what they all need
This very craze
That will amaze
If you like it sweet
Come and dance with Cuban Pete
And I'll help you chick-chicky-boom
The Mask turned back to Darkness and waved his hands toward her. Then, without her consent, the crusader sang out of control and dancing her shoulders to the rhythm.
Someone, get some water
'Cause he's much hotter
Than the summer sun
Than the summer sun
Si, senorita. I understand
So let me take your hand
It's very nice
So full of spice
So let me share this moment with you
And we'll both know what to do
And that's to dance
WITH EVERY CHANCE
IF YOU LIKE IT SWEET
COME AND DANCE WITH CUBAN PETE
AND I'LL HELP YOU CHICK-CHICKY-BOOM
Just then, Verdia gasped in surprise when his undead army abandoned their positions and started dancing alongside the Mask. The townsfolk did the same thing too.
"What are we doing?" Kazuma asked.
"I can't help it!" Megumin shouted. "Something's taking over!"
"You may humiliate me here in public, but you will never break my spirit!" Darkness shouted.
"ENOUGH!" Verdia shouted. Everyone froze in their tracks. "You there with the green head! Do you have any idea the disrespect you're showing?"
"Hey, you're the one who interrupted a musical number," the Mask said, "So you're the one who's being rude."
Verdia grabbed the Mask by his yellow suit and lifted him up. He growled while the Mask kept smiling.
"Hey, watch it! Magic threads don't come cheap."
"I've had enough of your little games!" Verdia said. "I eat fools like you for breakfast!"
The Mask spun around again grabbing Verdia's head. He jumped away from the body and changed into a a dentist's outfit examining the dullahan's mouth.
"Oh, oh, oh! I see we haven't been flossing after every fool." He saw the body approaching him and changed into a gangster's outfit holding a machine gun. "Back off, see, or you're Swiss cheese."
"This is very humiliating." Verdia commented.
"Oh, yeah." Kazuma called out from the crowd. "Well, it's about to get a whole lot worse. NOW, AQUA!"
"Got it!" Aqua shouted. She cupped her hands into a position that they began to glow. "SACRED TURN UNDEAD!"
Suddenly, a golden light surrounded the Mask who was holding Verdia's head. As it got brighter, the Mask and Verdia's reactions grew bigger.
"Ooh. Tingly." The Mask said.
"NO! IT CAN'T BE!" Verdia shouted. "NOOOOOOOOOO!"
The light shrouded over the both of them. When it was done, only the Mask remained. He then changed his costume into a medieval minstral's costume giving the audience a bow like a thespian saying goodbye to an audience. He spoke in an English accent.
"Thank you! Thank you! You're too kind! Well, if you need me, I'll be in town!" He twirled his signature spin and went right into town leaving everyone speechless.
"Who was that man?" Megumin asked.
"And how did he do that?" Aqua asked.
"All I know is," Kazuma said, "That guy needs to join our party."
"Oh, yes! I agree!" Darkness said. "And if he denies us, he could show it by giving me another wedgie! Maybe making me eat my…"
"Bad Darkness." Kazuma said. "Let's just find him and see what he thinks."
The four of them ran into town to follow him. Little did Kazuma know that he was just inviting even more disaster than he already had.