He'd had almost had her. Their bond had been humming at their proximity and adrenaline had been thrumming wildly through his veins. Want had become a living thing tearing at his innards, clawing a primal demand into his flesh. He had wanted to touch her desperately. Rey. The scavenger who somehow called to everything he is, everything he has ever been and will ever be and making his tortured soul cry out for her. There had been so much violence and discourse between them before and even after the bond had taken the choice from their hands.
Forced by the force. How very redundant if you asked him yet to both their consternation no one had thought to ask. Then they'd been connected in a way no other being in the galaxy could possibly understand and that animosity had morphed into something else he struggles to define. All that he knows for sure is Try is necessary to him, someone he desperately needs when he feels alone in the darkness. She shone light brighter than any sun he's seen, a beacon in the dark of his world. He'd abhorred it once but now he craves.
He'd slaughtered his Master for her. Sure there were plenty other reasons for making the choices he had, ones he could hide behind much like his mask, but the final tipping point had been when Snoke had made her scream. That had spelled the end for The Supreme Leader and Kylo felt no regret for ending the monster he'd relied on for so long. As they'd fought together the bond had blossomed between them and it'd been intoxicating. Watching her in battle is a new sort of rush and he isn't really equipped to handle all these new emotions but there is a look in her eyes when the final foe falls that stops him dead. He's never had anyone look at him that way before. Kylo has seen calculation, anger, and pity surely but nothing more than fear. For a time that had been acceptable, even preferable. The dark is suffocating yet he'd believed himself to be thriving until this strange scavenger has set him craving.
There is a wildfire in her eyes now, a feral enjoyment as the adrenaline from battle fades away, even concern as she scans over him for injuries. It is only for a moment before it all falls to pieces but for that moment he'd seen desire burn bright in those hazel eyes. It is the first time that want consumes him that is not a wretched angry thing. This is far too consuming for even that. There is no room as his pulse thunders madly and he thickens unexpectedly below the waist. Usually, it would shame the great Kylo Ren to lose control so completely but that look in Rey's eyes for a moment echoed his own.
For a moment he'd almost had her but she is stubborn and he brash and they may be bonded but they are always to opposed. He could feel her despair replace the heat, a disappointment he refuses to bend to though its a tough thing. The power they feel when together is muted and both strain in the struggle for the saber. It is not the way it should be and the wrongness of it still echoes in the force when he awakens alone. The final gut punch is being forced to watch as she flees from him. Again. They belong together and he wants it with an intensity he's never known before but she did not take his hand.
Months go by and it is a slow burn into madness. He has seen not even a glimpse of her and for a time the anger is a good distraction. There is the sting of abandonment to push him forward. It lasts for a strangely short time before he's just tired. Bone weary and sad though he won't acknowledge it until he is alone in the dark that has lost all sense of comfort now. There are so many mistakes he's made, in those moments and many before.
It had taken longer than strictly necessary for him to admit to himself he fucked up. Rey is goodness and light and what kind of creature would he become if he was responsible for snuffing out her brilliance? A selfish one for certain. He wants her, just her. Not a dark version or a light version or anything other than the scavenger she is. Kylo has been an utter fool for so long to drive her away. Since he has been frozen, moving through the motions of being Supreme Leader Kylo Ren when its the last thing he really wants any longer. The First Order barely respects his authority but even numb he is still Kylo Ren, a legend in his own right and not one to trifle with. By the time half a year passes he's more than tired of fighting off insurgence and rebels and Hux and all manner of things he no longer cares about. He's nearing desperation because he needs her so.
It happens as it always has, suddenly with no warning to either of them. He's wandering the halls of his ship, striving for a purpose now that she is gone and the bond is silent. Floundering in his loneliness. Between one step and the next, the universe condenses down to just the two of them once again and though he knows they are probably galaxies apart they are only steps away. Rey is gasping, drenched and shivering in place as her gorgeous eyes widen with shock. She expects his anger, he can feel her tensing as if to brace for the storm of his fury. She's mistaken.
"Rey." It begins as a disbelieving whisper. The help conceals his expression and he is not safe to remove it as he'd like to so instead he blows the bond as wide open as he possibly can and flood reassurance and longing towards her. His large strides are too quick for her to flee and when he's close enough he grabs her to him. Physical contact fries his brain and he no longer cares just how much she sees of him Wants her to see. He must be cautious of where and who he is but he will not hide from her now.
Confusion stills her for half a beat before wide hazel eyes flash to bore into the mask upon his head like she could see straight through it. As full as the bond feel maybe she can.
"Ben?" Oh, that damned name in that sultry voice. Would it always send pleasure down his spine?
"Yes, Rey?" Its an answer to the questions she hasn't really asked.
"I did want to take your hand." It is not what he expects and he's shocked when quivering arms tentatively reach for him. He is quick to wrap her tight in his arms, one slung low around her hips and the other moving so his hand card into her wet hair.
"Did you?" There is a tiny nod as she rests her head on his chest and seems to bask in his embrace. Kylo can feel his heart flutter like a youth but the unexpectedly sweet pleasure is more than welcome.
"Ben's hand." Ah, yes. A notable distinction in her mind. As she remembers that moment he can feel her hope and how desperate she'd been to make him see. Such a fool he is.
"I've missed you." It is no secret, he'd prodded at the bond desperately for an embarrassingly long time after all. Remembering makes him wince slightly but Rey is quick to send the memory of both her pleasure and frustration at his tenacity. The struggle it had been to block out what they both clearly desired. A part of him loves that she'd been just as miserable as he had.
"I thought I'd failed. That I couldn't reach you." He moves his fingers to cup her skull and urge her face to his. There will be pain in this but it must be said.
"Rey I will never be for the light. I am not for it yet neither does it seem am I for the dark. I am no longer sure what I am but it is not this. No longer."
"Oh, Ben." So few words but hey say so much.
"Where are you? Your freezing Rey." When she'd finally met his gaze he'd watched her full lower lip tremble and realized it was not just the emotion that made her quake. An image of violent waves and biting winds flashes by and worry churns unpleasantly in his gut. " You need to go get warm."
"You are warm." That brings pleasure back but he remains focused. Rey first.
"Rey I'm not really there. I'd give the universe to be but the force cannot keep you warm." Her disappointment makes him clench his jaw but he would not budge.
"This isn't just a dream is it?" The uncertainty is a bitter tinge he is quick to assuage.
"No. No, it is not. I'm sorry Rey, for all of it. I wish I could go back but all I can do now is move forward. I want that forward to include you but for now you need to go. Go warm yourself up and so long as this bond remains I am with you always. The force wants us together Rey and I will do all in my power to prove to you it is right." Putting it into words is easier then he's imagined it would be. Her expression is one of apprehensive wonder and he is struck again by just how gorgeous she is even looking half-drowned.
"But we can't control this Ben! What if something changes?" Her trepidation is understandable. One stolen moment would not mend the rift he's created nor would it quell her uncertainty. Her small hands clutch at the fabric of his sweater as she burrows into him and he has never felt more powerful than in that moment. Rey seeking comfort from him, the monster he'd become mask and all, fractures and remakes him in one single moment. He will no longer fail her and his voice comes deep and sure.
"Never. You are mine and I am yours, Rey. That will never change. I was foolish and weak but no more." He will shake the very foundations of the universe if that is what it takes to set them free.
"I am yours and you are mine." Her breathy repetition of his words pulls an unfamiliar smile to his lips he wishes she could see but she is already beginning to fade from his arms. Panic is swift from them both but this is only their beginning. The force has willed it so and he will tear each galaxy apart piece by piece if that is what it takes.