"And that concludes Professor Rowan's report on Pokémon2!"

I turned off the TV and began to walk downstairs when Markus3 ran into me at speeds not humanly possible.
"Hey! Did you see that thing on the TV!? Of course you did!" he said spastically (that is normal for him)

"How did you get over here so quickly? The report only ended 5 seconds ago!"

"Oh! Hey! Is that a new PC!?"

"Um, yes, but…"

"Oh! Right! So I was saying that if we go see that guy on the TV, the he'll give us Pokémon!"

"That's highly optimistic of-"

"Great! I'll meet you at my place! I'm charging you 1 million if you're late!"

"But my wallet can only hold 999999!"


"He needs to take his medicine."

I walked within 3 feet of his door and Markus crashed into me at his usual high speeds.

"Ouch." I said, rubbing my nose.

"Hey! C'mon! Let's g- Oh, wait! I forgot something in my room!" He said before promptly turning around and bolting back into his house.

I stepped inside and Markus's mom turned around and told me that Markus was in his room; she then mentioned that he can't sit still and wonders who he takes after. I walked up the stairs only to have Markus run into me and send us both tumbling down the stairs.

"You need to watch where you're going!" Markus said to me.

"ME! I need to watch where I'M going!?"

"Be more careful from now on! I'll meet you at the beginning of Route 201! I'm charging you 10 million if you're late!"


"You're late! Pay up!"

"What!? You were serious about all of that money!?" I said hysterically.

"Of course! Am I ever not serious!?

I stared at him blankly as I thought of all of all of the hundreds of times that he had not been serious. The many, many hundreds of times.

"I'll, um…pay you back later" I said. ("Much, much later with no interest" I thought to myself)

"Alright! You lead the way!"

We approached some tall grass that was in the way. I stopped and looked down at the grass.

"What's wrong!?" Markus asked me.

"My mom said not to go through the tall grass"5 I responded

"Really!? Hmm…I know! We'll just run through the grass so quickly that the Pokémon won't have time to attack us!"

"That won't work."

"Don't be silly! Of course it will!"

"What if they're already in front of us?"

"…That won't happen! I'll go first!"


Markus got a running start, but some old dude came from the direction of the lake and yelled at him to "Hold It" and asked us what we were doing and how could we be so stupid.

"Who are you anyways, old dude?" I asked.

"I am Professor Rowan; now why don't you answer my question? What were you doing?"

I let Markus answer because I knew he would answer before I could anyways.

"We were going to go see you so we could ask you for Pokémon, but now you're here so we don't have to!"

A girl carrying a suitcase came from the lake.

"Who are you" She asked me.

"I'm Vlax and this is my ADHD friend Markus; who are you?"

"I'm Hawkia; I'm this old dude's assistant."

I snickered at her stupid name

"Vlax is a stupid name" She said.


"Well it is" She said while shrugging.

I was about to tell her that her name was also stupid when the professor told me and Markus that we could have Pokémon. He then told Hawkia to open the suitcase and began to explain our options.

"First there is the Fire-type–"

"FIRE!" I yelled and grabbed the Pokéball.

"So…why did you choose the fire-type starter?" Hawkia asked.

"Because I'm a pyromaniac! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Markus chose Piplup.

"Why did you choose the water-type?" I asked.

"Because water is cool and calm!"

"And that fits you why!?"

"That doesn't matter! Let's battle!"

PKMN Trainer wants to battle!

PKMN Trainer Markus sent out Piplup!

Go! Chimchar!

Chimchar used Scratch!

The foe's Piplup used Pound!

Chimchar used Scratch!

The foe's Piplup fainted!

Player defeated PKMN Trainer Markus!

"Okay then," Professor Rowan said, "You two go home and tell your parents what happened and see me at my lab tomorrow. Come on Hawkia."

As they left, Hawkia stuck her tongue out at me.

As my mom was serving dinner, I decided to tell her what happened. It definitely caught her off guard, much more so than I expected. She just said that I should get some sleep because I have a big day ahead of me.

I was about to leave for Professor Rowan's lab when my mom stopped me and said that she had a gift for me.

"These are Running Shoes." She said

"Why are the first letters of 'Running Shoes' capitalized?" I asked.

She ignored me and continued to speak.

"The instruction book says to press the B button while walking and you'll run"

"What the hell does that even mean!? And why do the shoes have an instruction book!?"

"C'mon Vlax! Let's go!" Markus yelled.

Even with running shoes, Markus is impossible to keep up with. Hawkia was waiting for us outside the lab.

"Hi person with ADHD and person with stupid name!" she said.

I stopped to talk to Hawkia briefly. Markus ran into the lab's automatic sliding glass door and fell over on his back.

"You have to wait 2 seconds to let the door open." I told him.

"Oh!" he said, bolting back upright.

Hawkia said we should go inside too.

Professor Rowan gave us this long speech about some dream he had and then told me and Markus to fill a Pokédex. As soon as he got his Pokédex, Markus ran towards the exit and into the lab's automatic sliding glass door. Again. Hawkia then said she would show me how to catch a Pokémon. She left the lab and got into a battle with a wild Bidoof.

"Okay," she explained, "First you have to weaken the Pokémon by attacking it; Turtwig, use Tackle! Okay, now it's fairly weak. Now remain focused, take a Pokéball out of your bag and- Hey! Peanuts!"


*crunch crunch*


"Hm? Oh, yeah! So then *crunch* you throw the *crunch* Pokéball and see *munch* if you caught the Pokémon.


"Now I'm going to go to Jubilife City."

"Let's go together."


"Because otherwise I'll be lonely."

"Hmm…Okay, but only if I can rave about the awesomeness of Golden Sun and Baten Kaitos."

"I like the way this city looks: very modern." I said.

"Look! A person hiding behind a lamppost!" Hawkia said.

"So there is."

"Hi person that I've never met before!" Hawkia said.

The dude, whose name was Looker, then began to talk to us about lots of random things. The conversation went something like this:

Looker: You! You are clever yes?

Me: umm…

Looker: You have found me out. I am Looker. Team Galactic's affairs are becoming too serious to ignore. I am from the International Police.

Me: You mean Interpol?

Looker: ? What is that?

Me: it's…never mind.

Hawkia: Why are you telling us all of this?

Looker: Because you have found me out. Here, take these. They are VS. Recorders, they can be used to record battle videos with your friends. I must go.

Me: o_o' Umm…that was…

Hawkia: weird?

Me: yeah…

The next morning, Hawkia and I grogged8 out of bed at a record breaking time9. We headed for the East exit of Jubilife, but Markus was there.

"Hey! I've been waiting to battle with you!" he said

"You waited?"


"I'm impressed."


"You couldn't even wait for an automatic door to open, yet you wait at the exit of a city that I might not even walk by."

"You bet! Now let's do this!"

"Okay, so, um... Chimchar, use Ember!"

I looked at his Piplup's HP bar: It barely took any damage.

"Sh**!" I swore.

Then I noticed the thing next to the HP bar:


"Hey Hawkia!"

"Hm? *munch* what?"

"Are you eating Peanuts again?"


"I wanted to ask you about the thing next to the HP bar. What is it?"

"You mean the orange thingy that says BRN?


"It's a status thingy."

"A status thingy?"


"Can you be more specific?"


"You are so helpful." I said sarcastically.

"Ain't I?"10 She said in her usual happy-go-lucky tone.

"That is a burn." said Professor Rowan.

"Gak! Where did you come from?" I asked

"I decided to stalk you to make sure you didn't do anything stupid. A burn lowers the inflicted Pokémon's physical attack by 50% and damages them every turn."

The burn made his Piplup easy to take out, and his Starly was killed by a single hit of Ember.

"You beat me!? Markus said.

"I guess so." I said

"I guess I'm not strong enough! I'll go to Oreburg City and beat the Gym Leader there! Bye!"

He turned around and ran into a lamppost that was behind him.

"Turn around completely before you start running." I said.

"Oh!" he said and bolted off.

The Gym Leader was out, so Hawkia and I went to go get him.

*munch munch*

"Hawkia! Stop eating peanuts!"

She gave me an angry glare.

"Then at least give me some peanuts."

She gave me an even angrier glare.

Scene omitted due to boringness. Seriously, nothing happens; we just get the gym leader from the mine.

As Hawkia and I were leaving the mine an Onix attacked us11. I defeated it, and afterwards, Chimchar started glowing.

"Hey, Hawkia!"

"*munch, gulp* yes"

"What's happening?"

"It's evolving."

"What does that mean?"

"It basically changes form, gets better stats, has a more diverse movepool, and occasionally Pokémon gain new types upon evolving."

"Anything else?"

"NO! Now shut up."

As I walked up to the entrance of the gym, Markus ran out of the gym and crashed into me.

"I wonder how long you'll keep this up." I said

Obviously not noticing the comment I made, he began speaking.

"Hey Vlax! I just beat that Gym Leader! Now I'm off to Eterna City to beat the Gym Leader there! Bye!"

Hawkia and I just stared at his dust wake for a moment, fathoming how he is capable of being so hyperactive. We walked inside the gym and approached the leader.

"Yo." I said.

"So you want to battle?" he asked me.

"Let's just do this."

You are challenged by Leader Roark!

Leader Roark sent out Geodude!

Go! Monferno!

Monferno used Mach Punch!

It's super-effective!

The foe's Geodude fainted!

Leader Roark sent out Onix!

Onix used Rock Throw!

Monferno used Mach Punch!

It's super-effective!

The foe's Onix fainted!

Leader Roark sent out Cranidos!

Monferno used Mach Punch!

It's super-effective!

The foe's Cranidos fainted!

Player defeated Leader Roark!

He gave us a badge for defeating him and told us that we could now use Rock Smash outside of battle. We left the gym.

After a little bit, we backtracked through Oreburg Gate as Hawkia complained about how much she hates backtracking. On the way back, some dude randomly gave us HM06 because we had Oreburg's Gym Badge. We taught it to the Bidoof that Hawkia caught in the tutorial.12 We arrived in Floaroma Town right around nightfall and looked for a place to put our sleeping bags as Hawkia complained about the lack of hotels in Sinnoh.

The next day, we decide to stop at Floaroma meadow. When we arrived, two guys were harassing a dude there, saying things like "give us your honey!" and stuff to that effect. Hawkia walked right up to them and began flaming13 them.

"What's with that getup?" she asked, "And if your hair colour didn't make you look stupid enough, you had to get bowl cuts? What is wrong with you!?" she exclaimed. They were obviously very insulted by her comment, as they began a battle without even saying anything.

You are challenged by Galactic Grunt and Galactic Grunt!

Galactic Grunt sent out Zubat!

Galactic Grunt sent out Wurmple!

PKMN Trainer Hawkia sent out Grotle!

PKMN Trainer Vlax sent out Monferno!

Monferno used Flame Wheel!

It's super-effective!

The foe's Wurmple fainted!

Grotle used Bite!

The foe's Zubat fainted!

Players defeated Galactic Grunt and Galactic Grunt!

They started to talk after we defeated them.

"We are Team Galactic! We reach beyond the Earth! We reach for the stars! We-"

"Dress like dorks." Hawkia interrupted.

"You'll pay for this! …Eventually…" One of them said before running off.

The guy with the honey gave us a free sample for saving him.

"Hey!" I said. "It looks like they dropped something. It appears to be some sort of key."

"Ooh! Maybe it's a car key! Let's use it to steal a car! C'mon!" Hawkia said.

"What makes you jump to that conclusion!?"

"You've never wanted to steal a car!?"


"You're boring!"

"And you're a kleptomaniac! This conversation ends now!"

"We cannot let you pass!" said the Galactic Grunts in our way.

"Why not!?" said Hawkia, growing ever more impatient.

"Because we are under orders from Galactic Admin Mars to let none pass!"

"What kind of name is 'Mars' anyways?" I asked.

"You dare insult our commander!? Now we REALLY aren't letting you pass!"

Hawkia shoved me over toward the Valley Windworks and began saying that if I hadn't insulted their commander then we might have been able to go past them.

"And how do you propose that we could have gotten by?"

"Well, they said that they were under orders to let none pass, right? Well I could have claimed that my name was 'none' and that they were therefore under orders to let me pass."

"What idiot would fall for that!?" I screamed.

3 hours earlier:

Galactic Grunt 1: We are under orders to let none pass!

Markus: My name is none! So can you let me pass!?

Galactic Grunt 2: …

Galactic Grunt 1: …

Galactic Grunt 2: …Okay.

"Look," I said, "let's go to the Valley Windworks and ask for help."

There was another Galactic Grunt guarding the entrance to the Valley Windworks.

"Excuse me, but we need to enter the Windworks." Hawkia said

The grunt refused to move.

"Move it, you're in the way." Hawkia said.

The grunt still refused to move.



You are challenged by Galactic Grunt!

Galactic Grunt sent out Stunky!

Go! Grotle!

Grotle used Bite!

The foe's Stunky fainted!

Galactic Grunt sent out Glameow!

Grotle used Razor Leaf!

It's a critical-hit!

The foe's Glameow fainted!

Player defeated Galactic Grunt!

"Oh no! I've lost! I'll report this to the commander! And just to be sure, I'll lock the door! The only other key is with the Grunts in Floaroma Meadow; you'll never get inside now!"

"Dude, you just told us your whole plan as well as where to get the other key." I pointed out. He stared at me for a second and slammed the door. I used the key from Floaroma Meadow and walked inside.

"I seem to have forgotten to mention that I already have the other key." I told the grunt.

"Ack!" he said and ran away.

I worked my way over to Mars and battled her:

You are challenged by Galactic Admin Mars!

Galactic Admin Mars sent out Zubat!

Go, Monferno!

Monferno used Flame Wheel!

"You're doing it wrong!" Hawkia said.

"Shut up!" I yelled.

The foe's Zubat fainted!

Galactic Admin Mars sent out Purugly!

Monferno used Mach Punch!

It's super-effective!

The foe's Purugly fainted!

Player defeated Galactic Admin Mars!

Mars said that we would regret meddling with Team Galactic, blah, blah, next scene.

Hawkia and I entered Eterna forest and saw this girl with green hair and a really big braid. Hawkia said that her clothing wasn't as bad as Team Galacdork15.

"Quiet Hawkia, She has a different overworld sprite and therefore must be an important character." I said.

"Um…My name is Cheryl. I wanted to go through this forest, but the Pokémon here are really tough; want to travel together for a little while?"

"Sure, it means Hawkia will be able to rave to somebody besides me." I said.

As we walked through the forest, I could hear Hawkia raving to Cheryl behind me:

"…and apparently Meemai isn't a robot!16 Shocking, isn't it!?"

At that moment, I was attacked by a wild Gastly. As I was trying to catch it, a Wurmple attacked Hawkia's bag. She quickly figured out what it was doing and freaked out.

"No! NO! Those are MY peanuts! My! Peanuts!" she said as she attacked the Wurmple with her bare hands. After it had been thoroughly beaten up, Hawkia began to scream at it.

"I'll teach you to eat MY peanuts!" she screamed. She grabbed a Pokéball from her bag and threw it at the Wurmple. She picked up the Pokéball and stared at it as her angry breathing grew calmer.

"Um…Hawkia? You do realise that now the Wurmple will be in your party, don't you?"

She froze, and her eye started twitching. I managed to catch the Gastly while she was freaking out.

We passed an old, ruined house in the forest, and Cheryl thanked us because the exit of the forest was now in sight. Hawkia and I walked the remaining distance to Eterna City and found an empty house to sleep in.

I began to wake up.

"Mmph, Hawkia, What time is it?"

She began squinting at the clock.

"Thursday." She said before collapsing back into her sleeping bag.

"I'm assuming you aren't going to be more specific."


After our usual waking-up time of 3½ hours, we headed towards the Eterna Gym. On the way there, this girl wearing black clothes, whose name was Cynthia, appeared17 and asked us if we were working for Professor Rowan.

"Yes." I said.

"You're clothes are a little weird, but at least your hair is normal." Hawkia said.

Cynthia was a little startled by Hawkia's sudden comment, but quickly regained her composure. She mentioned Team Galactic and gave us HM01 Cut. (Which we couldn't use because we didn't have the Eterna Gym Badge yet.)

The layout was unusual, there was a giant clock on the ground and the hands of the clock served as bridges, but because they served as bridges, the clock never showed the actual time. Sometimes the world is dumb. I was about to walk over to the gym leader when Markus ran into me.

"AGAIN!" I screamed.

"Oh! Hey! It's great to see you! I just beat that Gym Leader! Now I'm off to Hearthome City! Bye!"

It seems that our "conversations"18 always follow the same pattern. I approached the Gym Leader to battle her.

"Hi! My name's Gardenia! I love Grass-type Pokémon. Sure, they have their weak points, but I'll show you that's not the only factor in deciding who wins!"

You are challenged by Leader Gardenia!

Leader Gardenia sent out Turtwig!

Go! Monferno!

Turtwig used Sunny Day!

The sunlight turned harsh!

Monferno used Flame Wheel!

It's super-effective!

The foe's Turtwig fainted!

The sunlight is strong.

Leader Gardenia sent out Cherrim!

Cherrim changed forme!

Cherrim used Solarbeam!

It's not very effective…

Monferno used Flame Wheel!

It's super-effective!

The foe's Cherrim fainted!

The sunlight is strong.

Leader Gardenia sent out Roserade!

Monferno used Flame Wheel!

It's super-effective!

The foe's Roserade fainted!

Player defeated leader Gardenia!

"All right!" Gardenia said. "In exchange for beating me, I award you with Eterna City's Forest Badge! Also, you can now use the move cut outside of battle! Good luck!"

We couldn't go down cycling road because we didn't have bicycles and in the absence of anything else to do, Hawkia and I decided to check out the building with large spikes and the unnecessarily spinning thing19 on top. Apparently, we stumbled upon one of Team Galactic's hideouts. Oops. A grunt came over to us almost immediately after we came in.

"You! You have found your way in here too, yes?"


"It is me, Looker."

"Oh! You're the guy that gave us these Vs. Recorders for no apparent reason." I said.

"Yes. It is me. I have disguised myself as a Galactic Grunt to infiltrate Team Galactic, but there is a problem. There are two staircases leading up to each floor. Which one leads to the dead end and which one doesn't? This is a dilemma."

"I know!" Hawkia said. "We can use Reveal, and then the correct staircase will be… oh, wrong game."

"This should be obvious." I said. "The guards will obviously be stationed in front of the correct staircase."

"I've got it!" Hawkia exclaimed. "The correct staircase is the one with the poster on the wall at the bottom."

"So you're suggesting we follow the posters?"

"They're expecting us to expect them to station guards at the bottom of every staircase, and use something subtle, like posters to remind their employees which way to go!"

"What!?" I said in disbelief and confusion.

"How about this," Hawkia said, "I'll go my way and you go your way and fight all of the Galactic Grunts…alone."


…Hey, Hawkia! Wait up!"

We arrived at the top without ever going the wrong way.

"And you thought it was a stupid idea." Hawkia said.

"Shut up!" I said in an aggravated tone as I jabbed her with my elbow. She glared at me for a minute before we decided to progress.

A Galactic Grunt approached us, and I let Hawkia fight him off. Then two Galactic Grunts challenged us to a double battle. We beat them up, at which point the commander decided to take care of us herself.

You are challenged by Galactic Admin Jupiter!

Galactic Admin Jupiter sent out Zubat!

Go! Monferno!

Monferno used Flame Wheel!

The foe's Zubat fainted!

Galactic Admin Jupiter sent out Skuntank!

Monferno used Flame Wheel!

The foe's Skuntank used Night Slash!

It's not very effective…

Monferno used Mach Punch!

The foe's Skuntank fainted!

Player defeated Galactic Admin Jupiter

"Now can you let us take the Clefairy?" I asked.

"We're finished preparing, so you can do whatever you want; we're leaving."

The owner of the Clefairy was also the owner of the bike store, and gave me and Hawkia each a free bicycle.

"Woot! Random free crap!" Hawkia exclaimed.

"Since we have bicycles, let's go down cycling road." I suggested.

I was cycling down Cycling Road on 4th Gear when I crashed into a dude with brown, crazy hair.

"Woman!" he yelled at me.

"I'm a guy." I pointed out.

"What!? No! It's an insult! You don't take it literally!"

"Oh. Who are you?" I asked

"My name is Xgenje! I am a Superhyperactivemcspazatronicperson21! My catchphrase is Zeebarginheimer!"

"I…see…" I stammered.

"No you don't!"


Hawkia then crashed into us at high speeds.

"Let's finish this conversation somewhere where there aren't high-speed bikers going downhill." I suggested.

We were at the beginning of route 207.

"I am Xgenje! I am a hacker!"

"Well that explains why you were on cycling road without a bicycle." I said.

Let's go underneath Cycling Road!" Hawkia randomly suggested.


"Dude, you just used five in a single sentence.

"…ugh. Let's just be on our way to Hearthome City; we've already wasted too much time here." I said.

"I'm going with you!" Xgenje butted in.

"Why?" I asked.




We had just passed through Mt. Coronet. We met an emo-ish24 dude with spiky-ish blue hair in the cave in the middle. (I'm wondering how many people in Sinnoh use either hair dye or hair gel.) We walked through the gate that led to Hearthome City.

"Hey guys," I said, "I have to use the bathroom."

"Check the Pokémon Centre." Xgenje suggested.

There was no bathroom in the Pokémon Centre, nor was there a bathroom in the Pokémon Gym, Poké Mart, the Contest Hall, Amity Square, nor any of the houses in the city.

"Doesn't anybody have a friggin' bathroom!?" I yelled into the sky.

A random dude approached me and said:

"It's called a tree; why else would we have so many of them?"


We passed by the Contest Hall and the saw the Gym Leader, Fantina, standing outside. She was French or Quebecian26 or something, because she inserted random bits of French into her English. We went to her Gym, only to discover that it was dark.

"For the love of…of all times to have a power outage! Budew, use Flash!" I said

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Vlax." Said a red light that appeared behind me.27

"What the-"

"Just kidding! It's me, the guy with weird glasses28 who explains the gyms to challengers. I just thought I'd play a little prank on you."

"Oh…well would you please explain the Gym then?" I asked.

"Sure thing! The Gym is dark, and each challenger is given a flashlight. There are multiple doors, each with a symbol on a red rug. A blue rug with a symbol is also hidden in each room. The symbol on the blue rug corresponds to the door that leads you further into the gym."

"Um, okay…"

"Also, if you go into the wrong door, then you'll be teleported back to the entrance, the correct door will be changed, and the entire room will have been reorganised."

"How is that...?"

"It'll make sense when you try it; trust me."

"Magnifiqué!" Fantina said to us when we found her.

"Who's up now?" I asked Hawkia and Xgenje. "Monferno's a Fighting-type, so I stand little chance."

"I'll go, I guess" Hawkia said.

You are challenged by Leader Fantina!

Leader Fantina sent out Duskull!

Go! Grotle!

Grotle used Bite!

It's super-effective!

Leader Fantina sent out Haunter!

Haunter used Sucker Punch!

Grotle used Bite!

It's super-effective!

Leader Fantina sent out Mismagius!

Mismagius used Shadow Ball!

Grotle used Bite!

It's super-effective!

Player defeated Leader Fantina!

"Fantastiqué! I see you have true power! Take these: they are the gym badge of Hearthome and TM65 Shadow Claw! You can now use Defog outside of battle!" Fantina said.

"Where to next?" I asked.

"The next town is called Solaceon or something." Hawkia said.

"We should probably learn this 'Defog' technique Fantina mentioned" I said.

"W can't do it yet; we don't have HM05 yet." Hawkia told me. "Besides which, I don't think we need it just yet."

"I can get it if you want!" Xgenje said.

He rummaged around in his pocket and pulled out this weird black device.

"This is an Action Replay." He explained. "Using this thing, we can freely modify Pokémon, allow them to learn any TM or HM, and even create our own Pokémon with any traits we choose!"

I punched him.

"We are not cheating!"

"Hater!" he yelled.

On our way to Solaceon Town, we passed this thing called the Broken Stone Tower. I have no clue why it was called a "tower"; it was barely more than half my height and had a hollow area in the centre that made in resemble a well more than a tower.

"I'm afraid to touch it; it looks like it will collapse." I said.

Hawkia crouched down to get a better look.

"Well no wonder!" she said. "The keystone is missing!"

"What!? How'd that happen?"

Xgenje put a stone with a crack in it in place.

"There! All better!" he said.

I glared at him.

"No, I didn't cheat to get this thing; some weirdo gave it to me." He said defensively.


"A little bit before I met you."

We continued our walk to Solaceon Town, which was very close by at this point. It was a very rural area. Very rural. We found a nice camping area in the trees and set up camp there

We woke up and decided to look around. There was an opening in a rock face that looked man-made, so we decided to check it out. The inside was a room with three staircases and some weird writing on the wall opposite the entrance.

"What is this place…?" I asked.

"This is the Solaceon Ruins!" said a crazy old man dressed like an archaeologist who appeared behind us.

"Um…who are you?" Hawkia asked.

"That does not matter!" he said. "Only one staircase per room does not lead to a dead end! And those who enter a dead end will be trapped for eternity! The only way down is written on that wall!" he said, pointing at the wall across from the entrance.

I walked over to take a look.

"But beware!" he raved on, "The text is written in Unown runes! Even the greatest archaeologists in the world have extreme difficulty deciphering a single word of-"

I butted in.

"It says Top Right, Lower Left, Top Right, Top Left, Top Left, Lower Left."

"D'oh!" the old man screamed. "You weren't supposed to actually try to read it! You were supposed to run away screaming in fear!"

"Really!?" Hawkia exclaimed. "In fear of what?"

The old guy stammered and stuttered for a few seconds and then screamed and walked off saying "Children are too hard to scare these days…mumble mumble…back in my day…mumble mumble"

Me: …

Hawkia: …

Xgenje: Man, that booger's in there really deep and- who? Huh? What happened?

We reached the bottom of the ruins and found four items and some script on the wall.

"I can't read it." Xgenje said. "What does it say?"

"Uh, let's see...It says Friendship All lives touch other lives to create something anew and alive."

"Sounds cheesy." Hawkia butted in.

I just stared at her for a minute before saying "What about 'Let's beat the bad guy with the power of friendship!'?"

"Don't. Ever. Bring. That. Up."

"Hey, look!" I said. "It's HM05 Defog!"

"Way to change the subject...Do we have anything that can use it?" Hawkia asked.

"Hmmm..." I said "...Give me a minute! I'll have something real soon" I replied before running out.

"Oh, no you don't." Hawkia said as she grabbed my ear. "You're the only one who knows the way out, and this place is too confusing to get out on my own, even if the crazy old guy was lying about the 'stuck forever' part."

I backtracked a little bit and found a fisherman.

"Okay." I said, "Here's the plan. I knock him out with this chloroform, and then Xgenje steals his fishing rod while Hawkia distracts the policeman over there."

Hawkia facepalmed and said "You guys are morons and I want nothing to do with such an idiotic plan."

"Oh! So you have better idea, do you?" I said sarcastically.

She walked up to the fisherman.

"Excuse me, may we have your extra fishing rod?" she asked.

"Why of course! I hold on to these extras for situations just like this." He said cheerfully.

Hawkia walked back over to us with the fishing rod and a smug look on her face.

"Oh, shut up!" I said

She grinned and said "I didn't say any-"

"Shut up..."

I caught a Finneon, taught it Flash and Defog, and then we proceeded along a very grassy route.

"We should mow this." Hawkia said.

"Unfortunately, they removed the ability to use Cut to cut grass starting in Diamond and Pearl." I commented.

"We could-" Xgenje interjected.

"We are not cheating!" I yelled as I punched him.

"Get up!" Xgenje said as he kicked my sleeping bag. "Get up!"

"Mmph can't make me..." I mumbled.

A few hours later, we were up and moving on our way to route 215 when we passed a café.

"Coffee!" I screamed.

I ran in and ordered a latte.

"'Fraid I can't help ya, all we serve is milk."

I twitched and said "What kind of café doesn't serve lattes!?"

"This 'un"

We left the latteless café and approached an area with a lot of rain.

"Anyone have an umbrella?" I asked.



"Why not?" I asked.

"Well why don't you have an umbrella?" Hawkia asked me.


"Exactly. Besides which, it's not even raining that hard."

I stepped into the rain for a few seconds and stepped out soaked.

"It's not even raining that hard." I mimicked sarcastically.

"Yup!" she said, oblivious to my mockery.

Eventually, we got over the fact that it was raining and started on our way. Suddenly, we were all attacked by wild Pokémon. My battle went like this:

A wild Kadabra appeared!

Go! Monferno!

It is raining.

"Okay…so Kadabra's a psychic-type, so Mach Punch won't be effective, and it's raining, so ember won't be effective either, which leaves me with…Scratch…crap."

Monferno used Scratch!

Kadabra used Calm Mind!

Kadabra's Special Attack rose!

Kadabra's Special Defence rose!

Monferno Used Scratch!

The wild Kadabra fainted!

Monferno earned 367 Exp!

Monferno grew to level 36!


Monferno is evolving!

"Sweet!" I said.

Congratulations! Your Monferno evolved into Infernape!

I checked on Xgenje next.

A wild Geodude appeared!

Go! Sableye!

(Sableye is shiny)

Sableye used Aura Sphere!

"Cheater!" I yelled.

The wild Geodude fainted!

Sableye gained 31258 exp!

"You are so going to glitch out someday." I told him.

"Oh no!" Hawkia screamed.

I finally went over to check on Hawkia. She was already pretty far into the battle. I checked her Grotle's status bar.

LeafWood Lv. 31 PSN

"She is so screwed." Xgenje said

"What kind of name is LeafWood?" I commented.

"Oh no!" she repeated, "I'm out of peanuts! Nooooooooo! Why me!?"

*Insert Deus Ex Machina Plot Device here*

"Thank god!" Hawkia said, "I have Nutty Bars."

"I'm more amazed that you managed to pull of such an effective and brilliant battle strategy.34" I commented.

"Yeah," Xgenje said, "I would barely be able to pull that off even with all my cheating."

"And what's even more amazing is how quickly you pulled off such a complex ploy.35"

"Meh," Hawkia said, "I was more concerned about my lack of peanuts."

"Well at least our starters evolved into their final forms36." I commented, deciding to ignore her bizarre priorities.

We entered Veilstone City through the route gate and took a look around.

"This place looks like it was chiselled out of a cliffside." Hawkia commented.

"According to the Xgenje's map, it was." I said.

"What the- When did you take that out of my bag?" He said to me.

"During that wild Pokémon battle," I said, studying the map. "I figured I may as well see if you have any items that I could put to better use."

He gave me a glare. "Really?" he said, "Just... Really?"

I ignored him and went back to the topic of the town.

"There's a massive building with an unnecessarily spinning thing on the highest point in the city," I said, looking around.

"AHHH! TEAM GALACDORK!" Hawkia screamed.

"Um... What?"

"Team Galacdork always has unnecessarily spinning things on their buildings!" She explained.

"But... we've only been to one of their buildings so far..." I said.

"Which means that 100% of their buildings that we've gone to have unnecessarily spinning things on them!"


"You know I'm right. Now according to the map, there's a gym here. Let's go!" She said, dragging me along.

"Glad I stayed out of that one!" Xgenje said, trailing behind us.


"Could you repeat the instructions?" I asked, confused.

"Certainly." Said the guy with weird glasses who explains the gyms, "There are large weights suspended on rails, which can be pushed along said rails. The weights will continue sliding until they reach an intersection point, which will cause the weight to stop sliding. The weight will then swing, destroying any obstacles in its path. Understand?"


"It will make sense when you try it, trust me."


The guy actually wasn't lying about it making more sense once we tried it, but it was still tedious. We finally got to the gym leader, who had pink hair.

"Someday, I am going to figure out the link between Japanese people and hair dye." I said

"Good luck with that!" Hawkia said hysterically. "I've been trying for years, and it's only turned me into a raving fangirl!"

You are challenged by Leader Maylene!

Leader Maylene sent out Meditite!

Go! Infernape!

Infernape used Flame Wheel!

The foe's Meditite fainted!

Leader Maylene sent out Machoke!

Infernape used Flame Wheel!

Machoke used Strength!

Infernape used Mach Punch!

The foe's Machoke fainted!

Leader Maylene sent out Lucario!

Lucario used Bone Rush!

It hit 3 times!

Infernape used Flame Wheel!

It's super-effective!

The foe's Lucario fainted!

Player defeated Leader Maylene!

"Okay!" said Maylene, "There's a shortcut to my left that will take you to the entrance. You can now use Fly outside of battle. ...Also, take this TM."

In the absence of anything better to do, we wandered into the Veilstone Department Store. They sold berries, Poffins, medicine, Pokéballs, mail, TM's41, beverages, RageCandyBars (which they were out of), berries, and furniture. I bought various types of Pokéballs, medicine, and a few Poké Dolls and Escape Ropes. Xgenje bought some furniture and stole some RageCandyBars from the back room. Hawkia was simultaneously buying and eating berries and poffins. I had to drag her away as she clawed at the floor.

Hawkia then dragged me and Xgenje into her "Team Galacdork" conspiracy and pulled us off toward the building with the unnecessarily spinning thing.

"If the really is Team Galactic's stronghold, isn't a bad idea to storm their building? I mean, we only just evolved our starters and none of our Pokémon have brilliant movesets..." I said.

"Not me!" Xgenje interjected.

"Ignoring Mr. Hacker over there, I feel like it would be better to find a back entrance of sorts." I continued.

"You require entrance to the Team Galactic Headquarters?" said a voice behind us.

"Gak!" I said.

"Hey!" Hawkia said, "You're that weird police guy!"

"Yes," he continued, "It is me, Looker. I have confirmed the existence of a tunnel that connects the headquarters to a warehouse near the edge of the city. Let us go."

He took us off to a sketchy-looking area filled with warehouses and storage containers.

"This is it." He told us.

We wandered inside. There were a few storage crates and several boxes strewn about.

"I see no signs of anyone here, though I will look around. You should stay here." Looker told us.

Hawkia was giving me this smug grin.

"...What?" I asked her.

"You didn't believe me when I said that Team Galacdork was here! Well HA! I told you so."


"Aha! Look!" Looker interjected, "I have found a Hidden Machine! Team Galactic is clearly gathering resources! But I have no use for this. Would you care for it?"

"Hell yes!" Hawkia said. "Woot! Free shit!"

We proceeded onto Route 214. It was pretty badly torn up, with random segments of fence everywhere that usually blocked the path, unmowed grass, and asphalt so inconsistent that it detracted from the appearance of the route even further. There was a cave in the bedrock that some guy was digging because he liked Unown. (Let me know if you see a relationship between digging and Unown, though I do see a relationship between Unown and crazy people) Ironically, a five-star hotel resided at the end of the torn-up route, which seemed out of place. We also saw the entrance to Lake Valor, but it was being blocked by scientists. Upon seeing the scientists, Hawkia freaked out.

"TEAM GALACDORK!" She screamed.

I dragged her away from the lake as she screamed at the scientists, who seemed a little panicked.42

The hotel had a separate building for each room, so it was quite lavish, complete with a five-star restaurant. We didn't have enough money for such things after the shopping binge in Veilstone, so we set up camp on the nearby beach.

Apparently, we set up camp at low tide. We should have thought about that. After drying everything out using carefully aimed fire-type attacks from my Infernape, we proceeded on to the next town: Pastoria City. The whole ordeal of drying things seemed pointless since the entire city was wet. There was a pond, a marsh that doubled as a safari game, and puddles everywhere. Even the gym was wet. The gym was a giant pool with buttons that changed the water level. It took us a little while to get to the end because we kept falling for this trick that set us back to the beginning. Eventually, we made it to the Gym Leader: a wrestler named Crasher Wake. Then Markus ran into us.

"Oh! Hey! I-"

"Agh! You-! It-! Damt-! Dargin-! Aaaaaaagh!" I screamed.

"You're that impatient kid!" Hawkia said.

"I have ADHD too!" Xgenje chimed in.

Markus turned to face Crasher Wake.

"I'm ready to battle, Master!" he said.

"Master?" Crasher Wake said, "Look, kid, I said I knew your father once, but I never agreed to being your master."

Markus battled and defeated Crasher Wake (who, much to his disappointment, still refused to be his master). We made Hawkia battle Crasher Wake since I had a fire-type and Xgenje was feeling lazy.

You are challenged by Leader Wake!

Leader Wake sent out Gyarados!

Go! LeafWood43!

Gyarados's Intimidate cuts LeafWood's attack!

"Dammit!" Hawkia screamed.

LeafWood! Come back!

Go! Storm44!

Gyarados used Ice Fang!

It's super-effective!

Storm fainted!

Go! LeafWood!

LeafWood used Rock Slide!

It's super-effective!

The foe's Gyarados fainted!

Leader Wake sent out Quagsire!

LeafWood used Razor Leaf!

It's super-effective

The foe's Quagsire fainted!

Leader Wake sent out Floatzel!

Floatzel used Ice Fang!

It's super-effective!

LeafWood used Razor Leaf!

It's super-effective!

The foe's Floatzel fainted!

Player defeated Leader Wake!

Crasher Wake gave us a TM, a badge, and told us that we can now use Surf outside of battle. We figured we should attempt to get the HM for Surf, so we left the gym.


There was a huge explosion right as we left the gym.

"Team Galacdork!" Hawkia shouted.

"I like explosions!" Xgenje said.

"You and your conspiracies," I said to Hawkia. I then turned to Xgenje, "And shouldn't you wonder about the explosion?" I said to him.

"Should I?"

"Well you should move."


I stepped out of the way as Markus bolted into Xgenje.

"That's why."

Crasher Wake came out of the gym and told us to follow him to the Safari gate. A Galactic Grunt came out as we got there.

"That Galactic Bomb's explosion was terrific! I'll go deliver the other-"

He then realised that we were there and turned around to face us.

"You shouldn't talk out loud about secret plans or they won't be very secret anymore." Hawkia lectured.

The Grunt looked awkward for a moment and then ran off.

"The Great Marsh is vital to Pastoria's ecosystem!" Crasher Wake told us, "I need to make sure it's okay!"

Markus then butted in.

"You run after the guy with the blue hair!"

"And a bowl cut," Hawkia added.

"I'll go check on Master!"

He turned around and ran into me.

"Oh! Sorry!" He said, getting back up.

"I look forward to the day you'll no longer run into me." I told him.

"Like that'll happen! Later!"

The Galactic Grunt was resting at the Pastoria City route gate. He then saw us and ran. Then he rested, then he saw us and ran. Then he rested, and so on. After we passed through the Lakefront Hotel, he decided he had had enough and decided to battle us.

He was pathetic.

"Team Galacdork sucks!" Hawkia shouted.

"Pant, pant...you...haven't...huff...won..." the Grunt gasped.

He then walked for a bit and passed out. Unfortunately, some guys came over and dragged him off into the trees before we could steal his stuff. At this point, Cynthia showed up, asked us to give a thing to her grandmother in Celestic Town, and some pills to give to the Psyduck blocking the path.

We found the section of Route 210 that was being blocked by Psyduck. We gave them the pills and once they were all drugged up, they wandered off, leaving the rest of the route ahead of us. We forged ahead through really unmowed grass and into an area with dense fog. We got halfway through the route when Xgenje pointed out:

"Don't we have a Pokémon with Defog?"

I stopped and stood there for a moment.

*Sigh* "...Finneon, use Defog."

The fog lifted and we trekked onward, this time with our vision to aid us. In no time, we arrived at Celestic Town.

Celestic town was small and quaint. A Team Galactic Grunt guarded the entrance of what appeared to be ruins. I awaited the inevitable.

"TEAM GALACDORK!" Hawkia screamed.

"*Sigh* Yes, Hawkia, Team Galacdork is everywhere" I sighed.

"And you doubt me." She said snarkily.

We approached the Galactic Grunt. He claimed that Team Galactic needed information from the ruins.

"What the hell is with you people!?" I screamed. "First you attack a windmill farm, then you kidnap Clefairy, then you blow up a swamp, and now you're raiding ruins for information, of all things!? What sort of boneheaded plan are you morons scheming that connects all of these dots into something comprehensive!?"

"It is not necessary that the commoners understand the grand goals of Team Galactic." He said to me.

"...Just for that, I will obliterate you."

You are challenged by Team Galactic Grunt!

Galactic Grunt sent out Wurmple!

Go! Infernape!

Infernape used Flare Blitz!

It's super-effective!

Wurmple was pwned45!

Galactic Grunt sent out Glameow!

Infernape used Close Combat!

Glameow was pwned46!

You pwned47 Team Galactic Grunt!

"Now, tell me what Team Galactic is up to." I said, trying to get an icy coldness into my voice and half-failing.

"That will not be necessary," said a voice from behind me. I bolted around to see an emo guy with dark blue hair.

"Oh! You're that emo guy from Mount Coronet!" Hawkia said.

The emo guy sent the Grunt back to headquarters and introduced himself as the head of Team Galactic.

"...Um...Should you really be telling us that?" I asked.

"Oh?" he said48, "Tell me, what will you do? Go running to the police? You can do naught to us in your current state."

I opened my mouth to make a snarky comeback. Instead:

"...Damn. He's right."

The emo guy, whose name was Cyrus, walked off.

I stood there, thinking. All I could come up with was:

"...I don't like him."

Xgenje stared at me.

"You think?" He stated blatantly.

"What? I couldn't think of any snarky comebacks or witty phrases." I retorted.

We stared at each other in a mental stalemate for a few seconds.

"Um...Hello?" Hawkia said. "Not to butt in on your mental war or anything, but we have other things to do, remember?"

We entered the Celestic Ruins, which were, ironically, not in ruins. It was a bit of a misnomer, almost as though someone translated the name as ruins simply because the word is equated with old. They were in fact, in a better condition than my room, less dust and all. I checked out the cave painting in the back. There was a large entity in the middle with three smaller bodies circling around it.

"Huh. This painting looks... familiar..."

Hawkia came over and took a look at it.

"The centre thing looks a bit like the Eterna City Pokémon Statue. As for the other things... I have no idea. They look a bit like fairies or sprites, so maybe it's using Fairy Circle?"

I slapped her in the back of the head.

"That universe and this universe are completely unrelated to each other!" I said.

"...This universe would be a lot better if they were related..." she muttered.


"Noooooooothing." She grinned at me in the way that people do when they're trying to act innocent. I glared back for a little bit before continuing to study the cave painting.



...Whatever these things are, the drawings aren't detailed enough to activate Pokédex recording." I clapped the device closed and continued studying, though at this point there was nothing left to study and I was just hoping for spontaneous inspiration. That was what I was thinking when Cynthia's grandmother was walked in.

"You seem to be studying that painting quite intently." She remarked.



...Sorry... I...was kind of spaced out, so you caught me by surprise."

"Mm-hm. This painting was made by ancient people before the Sinnoh that we know existed. The outer Pokémon are helping to balance the power of the inner Pokémon."

"Uh-huh...I guess that makes sense. And might you be Cynthia's grandmother?"

"Indeed I am. May I help you with anything?"

"Actually, Cynthia requested that I give you this."

I searched through my bag for the charm Cynthia gave us. Then I searched through Hawkia's bag and found it. I handed it over to the elderly woman.

She gave us a brief lecture about the charm, before handing us HM03 as thanks for our trouble.

"So this wasn't an optional sidequest, huh?" Hawkia commented.

"This is a Pokémon game." I said, "There are no sidequests that take up this much time."

"I don't know about that." Xgenje remarked, "What about the National Pokédex?"

"That's not so much of a sidequest as it is optional grinding." I replied.

"Fair enough."

I looked at the map.

"So... next we go to..."

"Canalave City." Xgenje butted in, "Or at least, that's what this walkthrough for Pokémon Platinum says."

I glared at him.

"What!?" he said, "I'm not cheating!"

"Don't push it." I told him.

A/N: Happy April Fools! In all seriousness, this is my first attempt at writing fanfiction, most of which I wrote back in middle school. I found it when I was digging through some old USB drives and decided to upload it, because if I have to read this piece of crap, then so do you.

This is honestly very weird to read. The humour is very clearly dated to the mid-late noughties, and it was also written as an SI from a time period when I still thought I was a guy. Being trans is a trip, let me tell you. Hawkia is an insert character for my sister. Xgenje is an insert for my best friend (the one whom Tracey from Scrambled Sorting is loosely based on.)

Sorry for not uploading anything throughout all of March. I spent most of the month sick (possibly with COVID-19, though I was never tested). I spent the week after my birthday suffering from such severe asthma that I had to be put on steroid pills so I could breathe properly. I'm slowly getting my motivation to write back now that I've recovered.