4also on ao3 :)
It's a wonder Lloyd hasn't stressed himself out yet.
He's about to, though. With every sharp breath he takes, his stomach churns and he regrets making that text message more and more. He didn't sleep last night, the thoughts and anxiety keeping him up. It's gotten worse, but there really isn't any time to stress further about it. Right now, he needs to talk to somebody about this; because as of now, there's so many worries running through his head and he needs SOMEONE to pull him out of this fog and ground him again.
Kai was his go to option- Kai's always willing to listen, always ready to hold him as he finally breaks and the tears come flowing down faster than he can comprehend. Kai listens and is there for him- but for this? He needs to talk to someone else. Someone who really, truly knows what to say right now because god knows he can't figure out what to say to himself to get him to stop wanting to do so many things to himself in the blink of an eye.
He pushes down his nerves, hiding them behind the steel wall that he's perfected over the years. His emotions and nerves are there to stay, because he will not break down this time. He's not going to cry and make his friend pity him. He doesn't want pity. He wants advice, he wants someone to just listen and someone who really understands.
He takes a deep breath, hands caressing the beads hanging across the door- they're new. Dareth must've replaced them. He brushes away his thoughts, pushing aside the beads and walking in. Thank the stars Dareth let them come to talk- he didn't have any classes today.
"Look at you! You've grown half a foot since I saw you last."
Cole's teasing voice puts Lloyd to ease immediately. That's what he's always liked about the earth ninja- he's able to ground people, without having to really do anything aside from talk.
"I haven't gotten that tall."
There it is. There's the look he knew would happen. Cole's eyes are lit up with surprise- but before he can even get a word in, Cole smiles and starts to chuckle.
"Your voice is great. You don't sound like a chipmunk on helium anymore."
"Hey! I never sounded like that to begin with." He huffs, a smile on his face as he walks towards Cole and sits down. A lot harder than before because FINALLY, after he got the hang of his body, his legs decided to shoot out again and before he knew it, he's walking like a baby giraffe, just like before. He's already tripped god knows how many times while hopping from village to village, always on his mom's trail.
"Uh huh. I just can't believe it only decided to change once the team split. When we see Kai again, he's going to lose it." Cole reaches for the bag of chips he'd tossed to the side- good thing Dareth isn't here, or he'd release an angry tirade against chips getting on the floor.
"Oh god." Lloyd grimaces, reaching up and starting to play with his hair. It's almost shoulder length- he's played with it recently more often than not. "He'll probably shed a tear, say something about how i'm so grown up and that he feels like a proud mom."
Cole laughs, before his eyes stray to Lloyd's with a look of thoughtfulness. That look has Lloyd fidgeting under his stare, digging his fingers into the mat below him. He knows he looks different than the last time they met. He hasn't cut his hair in months- it's been half a year since the team split, and honestly, he hasn't thought about doing it. There's so many things he wants to say about himself, which is why he asked Cole to meet him. He just doesn't know how he's going to say it.
"I like the new hair length. Any reason for it, or have you just not had the time to cut it?" His friend asks, voice soft. Cole knows how to read people. He's used this against Lloyd time and time again, from when he was a small kid dealing with the newfound weight of his destiny to the anger and frustration he felt upon reuniting with his mom. To the aftermath of his... possession, and his dad. Cole's always been able to do that, and never pries his feelings out of him.
"I have a reason. I just don't really know what it is, myself." He finally starts, ignoring the embarrassing voice crack that makes him flush. "After the time twins, I got the lovely term of master. A step up from just being the leader of the team for sure."
Cole nods in affirmation, as Lloyd sits up straighter and takes a deep breath. He can say this. It's not that hard.
"And if I'm the leader, maybe I need to start looking the part. I also... well. For years I was playing the green ninja, a child dressed up in a uniform and trying to save the world from my dad, and then the rest of the threats. Ever since the team split, there hasn't BEEN threats. Maybe my days of glory are over. Maybe I can put that Lloyd in the past. Because now, I don't have to worry about fighting my dad. He's... He's gone, and after losing Sensei to time, I guess I thought it was time to remake ME. Does that make sense?" He asks, and his fingers go from messing with the mat to messing with the stray thread on his hoodie. It's been such a long time since he's been able to be NORMAL.
"Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense." Cole places his hand on top of Lloyd's slender one, and the blond looks up into his friend's gaze.
"When my mom passed, I locked myself in my room and cried for a few days. My dad wasn't that comforting since he was locked in his own grief- so after feeling sorry for myself and grieving for a few months, I told myself I needed to get over it. The Cole that had that happy life before was gone, and I wanted to make a new me, burned into being from my sweat and tears. That's how Wu met me. Trust me, Lloyd. That makes more sense than you know." Cole sits back, and Lloyd finds the resolve in himself to give his friend a weak and shaky smile.
"It's just... I don't want to be that kid everyone on the team thinks I am. I know that yeah, mentally, I'm still some weird thing, but I'm not that kid who had the world against his every move anymore. There's been a break of things and I thought I could do this to make me the most comfortable I can be with myself. I know everyone was still worried when we fought the twins because of everything that happened with Morro, but I'm okay. I'm fine. And I don't want to be associated to that scared kid anymore. I'm still a kid but I'm not THAT kid anymore and this just. It helps me feel less like the person I'm destined to be. The person I WANT to be, not the person the world expects me to be."
He's not crying. He really doesn't understand how he's not- but he's calm. He's not crying. He's proud of himself, and by the look on Cole's face, he's proud of him too.
"You're growing up, pipsqueak. Just don't try to grow up too fast. We didn't let you really be a kid when you were younger, and I'm sorry that we didn't. We were little more than kids ourselves, honestly." Cole rubs the back of his neck, "But I just want to let you know that you're doing just fine. Your dad would be proud of that little speech. Everyone has that moment they want to redefine themselves and you conquered that moment. He'd be proud."
Lloyd smiles, standing to his feet. He IS getting taller; and it is scary. He's changing from the person he was for years, but... while he's scared, he's exhilarated too. He can thank his dad for his genes; if he had to guess, he's taller than Jay and Nya now.
He can only imagine how the conversation is going to go when he meets them again.
Cole stands up as well, before pulling his unsuspecting friend into a hug. Lloyd yelps, as Cole gives him a noogie.
"No, no, stop!" He struggles to get free, as Cole accidentally gets some of his hair caught on his bracelet.
"Fine." Cole releases him, and Lloyd stumbles forward, trying not to trip over his own feet. Curse this growth spurt.
"Thanks, Cole. I needed this talk." He finally gets situated, keeping his feet apart to prevent his face from meeting the mat.
He did. This was a long time coming and he's happy he chose Cole to talk to. Cole understood, Cole told him it was okay, and it's the same familiarity he's had for years. The worrisome thoughts that things wouldn't be the same after the team split has been proven useless, because why would he ever think things would change? He's known his family for years upon end. Things won't change between them. Not now, not ever.