5Chapter 2 - A Lonely Mountain
The days passed my unfortunate episode before my life turned inside out, I paced my rooms back and forth aimlessly. I tried to read but to my utter distaste, found all of my books unengaging. Either my mind was not in the right place or the books were simply not right. As a devoted reader, I am obliged to think that it was me at fault.
Now that I have tasted the air outside my rooms, I wanted to know more. I learnt from the brief excursion that many things in life once had will not be enough. Although I also can justify that things like fresher air and freedom is every creature's right. Dwalin was right in the end. First, I will ask for an hour and then two and then next I would demand to be out of my rooms forever and then demand equal rights as everyone else! (the latter bit I would admit later he didn't exactly say but it was surely implied).
My situation had made me restless and short-tempered. A bubble of annoyance had lodged inside my chest and in fear of it exploding and making myself known as not only mad but also uncouth, brief had become my words with Balin and in my bitterness, I ceased even my usual thank yous and good mornings with my nurse, Anar. Later, I would realise that this was of course the opposite of the way of a proper lady (mad or not) but this was a realisation for the future Kassa, not the current crotchety one.
They noticed this change of course as they have become even nicer to me than ever, opening conversations when it was usually I who started them, and giving me useless information about the Prince such as Prince Thorin defeating my brother Dwalin in a spar; or Prince Thorin's new black coat made by Anar's friend and tailor to whom I also had one of my own made (which I seldom use anyway), and Prince Thorin taking his time to say his thanks personally to his cooks in the kitchens who had done such a marvellous job with the food during his name-day. I told my nurse I had no care about Prince Thorin anymore after this and the embarrassingly screeching tone of my voice and my scowl was enough for the nurse to back away with my dirty laundry until I was left alone in my rooms with a clack of the door and the turning of a lock.
What use does knowing all about Prince Thorin when all he probably knew about me was my being crazy?
Here I realised how annoying it was to be started a conversation on when all you wanted to do was not to talk to anyone. I made a swift decision to cease my forced conversations with Dwalin due to this. Fortunately or depending how one looks at this, however, my decision was never put to test (not for a long time anyway) as Dwalin seemed resolute not to visit, probably still seething from the embarrassment I effortlessly wrought in not even a single hour to our family name.
Kassa, daughter of Fundin, the mad sister.
I huffed and threw myself back into my writing desk where a yellowed parchment was carefully laid out with a script that began like this:
Dear Prince Thorin,
I wish that you would have in your most noble heart forgive the impertinence of my feelings for they are indeed most violent; so much so that I shall be condemned for all my life, and yet, I would rather keep this fire burning than be smothered by the greatest of all monsters.
Have you the brightest star in the heavens caught in your eyes and taught the King's Arkenstone to shine? You whose voice holds the timbre of an archangel; whose eyes and smiles are two piercing arrows to my impious heart. I, a lowly green eyed monster; a shadow envious of your light that sanctifies all that touch your presence, dear star.
A skilled thief of a prince they must call you to be for stealing so many hearts and my soul? But I shall shout from the deepest of the deep that I gave you mine before though never it was requested. And in my next lifetimes, I shall offer it to you again to do what you will.
Oh how I covet the barest of your touch, a whisper or a dance.. But fear of being scorched by your gracious self, I shan't; for I am filled with tinder and one smoldering glance will surely set my soul aflame.
I clamped my hands to my quivering lips as I muffled an embarrassingly girly squeal. My face was surely as red as a tomato and near as hot as a forge but in my innocence I basked in the feeling of being able to confess my true feelings for the mysterious prince if not in person then in paper.
It was indeed such an impertinent letter, near as bad as having a mad fit in front of everybody. But I had not written such letters for the prince's eyes to ever see and yes, there were more equally flowery letters stashed in a box under my bed, foolishly named and addressed but never intended to be delivered to the recipient. I often take them out to read when I am sad as reading about the Prince, even if from my own writing, was a balm to my lonely soul. I felt as though I was the Lonely Mountain and Prince Thorin was my ruler.
A knock sounded and I quickly folded the parchment and slipped it into its envelope. 'One moment!' I yelled over my shoulder and the beloved letter was placed in the ostentatiously decorated box just as the door opened and in came my brother Balin with a tray full of my favourite foods, for that day was a good day.
I ushered my brother to my dining table in the next room and entertained him for as long as I can. He was happier to find me in better spirits but sadly informed that Dwalin was again too busy to visit, not that I was asking about him. I was determined to be as indifferent to him as he was with me.
Dwalin was too busy being best of friends with the royals to see how his sister was spiralling down into her insanity, and even if I was, it was not something he wanted to watch anyway.
This was for the better as well as when I was not pacing in my rooms, trying to read or trying to write my own stories and love letters involving the Prince of my life, I was in and out of my delusions and more often than not, I find myself waking up to my floral bed curtains, my mouth gagged, hands tied to my sides and my legs to the bed lest I end up running around my rooms, dodging falling debris and fire that only I could see and waking the rest of the mountain with my screams.
But there were quiet days like this one that I treasured. The quiet days where I was Kassa, daughter of Fundin, sister to Balin and reluctantly to Dwalin, a hidden princess deep in the Lonely Mountain with nothing but her books, her brother and her love letters to keep her company.
And even then, the last one of the three became lost before my noticing and when I did it was far too late. For when I thought the letters were safe in my pink box under my bed while I was in the throes of my delusions or in recovery, they found themselves in the pocket of the intended recipient one unfortunate day when all that I ever knew ended and another that I haven't yet began; there it was slipped mysteriously in his pocket by a sleight of hand. And in every one of those flowery letters was my name so belovedly written:
Yours eternally,
Kassa, daughter of Fundin.
But this was not the time to find out who the suspect was and to feel embarrassed by such matters. Prince Thorin did not find the pack of letters in his pocket until later and it remained unread for a couple of years before the stack made itself back to him again by another hand, busy as he was with leading his people disaster after disaster. How this was received and the response of the recipient remains to be seen.
Five feet high the door and three may walk abreast* but only I was there to use it. My nurse was gone, stones had buried her under the mountain when her body was still warm alongside many of my people.
Smaug the terrible came as terrible as the dragon in my ephialtes. Two things had made themselves known to me when I found myself for the second time outside of my rooms and the world greeted me bright and desolate. First, my nurse, Anar, loved me more than I thought she did and knowing this too late was the greatest regret of my life; and second, I realised, I was less unhinged than every one that knew me, including myself, thought I was.
*The Hobbit J.R.R Tolkien
I had so much fun writing Kassa's letter xD
Thank you so much for the reviews!
To be continued.