Slayer Shopping Spree

"Building analysis 100% complete. How shall we proceed?" VEGA asked after several gruelling hours of searching through the home for any information on how this bizarre world worked. It was strange enough that the inhabitants all seemed to be unaware of what demons were, but they barely questioned the giant monstrosity standing over its corpse carrying a small barracks worth of weapons.

Then there was the body disposal situation. Doomguy had agreed with VEGA's suggestion of attracting as little attention as possible and had taken the task of disposing of the decomposing corpses round the back of the house with his newly acquired shovel. However, after digging the initial hole it didn't matter how many times he tried to expand it, it remained the same size.

"Problematic, but then I suppose you can just spread the corpse into separate piles." VEGA had told him much to his frustration, and in that frustration, he had kicked the demon corpse into the hole...only to find that despite the gigantic dimensions relative to the hole's size it fit perfectly.

"Interesting..." The AI noted as the Marine smirked, watching the hole cover itself up. This smirk however turned into a scowl as for whatever reason he could not get rid of the incredibly suspicious 'x' left there. "The shovel itself appears to be of a normal make and weight, comparable to the ones humanity uses. Perhaps then it is the planet itself which is the anomaly. Test this out with the home's previous inhabitant."

After an incredibly quick digging and far more gentle burial the pair discovered that for whatever reason the tiny body fit in the exact same sized hole just as perfectly as before, leaving another matching 'x'.

"I theorise one of two things." VEGA said, "Either the planet is alive and is actively enveloping anything that falls into one of its 'wounds', hence the 'x' marked scar, or this planet is a hub of spatial distortion that somehow aligns with its inhabitants' desires."

The Slayer wasn't one for questions of science, unless of course they helped him eviscerate more unsavourily demons, but he did like the convenience of the planet helping him hide his kills. A few minutes of ransacking the house later and the ground outside was covered in the 'x's of that god-awful wallpaper and flooring, letting him return inside and complete the analysis of the place.

Whichever they looked at it, the outlook was far from favourable. He was stranded on an alien planet with limited ammunition, no charging for his AI, no way to contact the Fortress of Doom or Earth and next to no idea of the terrain or demon situation.

Doomguy grinned. A challenging hunt was always the most rewarding.

The words 'Nook's Cranny' flashed on the HUD and an approximate map location was set too. "The villagers said it was some kind of shop." VEGA explained, "Considering the existence of sophisticated housing and street lamps, logic dictates that at least it is the main distributor of this tiny settlement. If we visit there, perhaps we will find more information on where we are, or better yet a power source to fuel this copy of me."

The Slayer shrugged the cracks out of his shoulders and retrieved his now trusty shovel. If there was to be any resistance, he was ready to deal with it.

-Several gigantic steps later-

"Hey there Mr Doom!" Isabelle waved, stopping at the trees by the river. "Did you finish the packing then?"

The mass of muscle stopped beside her and looked down. "Yes...the packing went...surprisingly well." The praetor helmet barely covered his grin.

"Glad to hear it!" She smiled, wagging her tail. "I'm just on my break now, so I decided to have a nice relaxing stroll along the river on the way to the shop."

"Is that it over there?" VEGA enquired, and the Shih Tzu turned around and pointed at the glowing store across the water.

"Yeah its just there!" Her smile continued, "Tom Nook owns it, and Tommy and Timmy who you met earlier help run it. It's the place on our little island we can go for all our needs."

"A monopoly then." The AI mused on the internal speakers. "The owner most likely is the richest and most powerful creature here, so we had best be...somewhat cautious of whatever tiny creature owns it."

Isabelle's smile endured throughout the internal talk to the point where it was beginning to bore into Doomguy's soul. Screams of the dying, glares of hate, scowls of disgust. He'd seen them all and killed through them all. But this sheer, unrelenting happiness and friendly aura...it almost scared him.

Almost. "We are on our way to check it out. Introductions are necessary after all." VEGA informed her through the external speakers.

"Oh, I'm sure you won't be disappointed." She happily squealed. "Tom always has everything we're looking for." Isabelle suddenly hit them with the shocked react. "I'm sorry, I haven't even told you how to get there! There's a bridge down the river on your left. It's a bit of a trek but the villager was working on constructing a few new bridges the last time we spoke, so hopefully..."

Doomguy ignored her words and the fact that she had managed to materialise punctuation in the air above her and inspected the narrow river. Aside from the several floating shadows within it, there seemed nothing unusual about it. No reason he couldn't jump over it. Or double jump to be more precise. He hadn't had that ability for long and by god he was going to make the most of it, overkill or not.

"...which is why we need more bells to develop...hey, what are you doing?" The small dog asked as the Slayer ran forward and powerfully cleared the distance in a double bound. "WAAAAAAA?!"

"Thank you for your assistance Isabelle." VEGA told her as the Marine stuck the landing with ease. "You have been most helpful."

Her surprised reaction hit them again. "W-W-WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?!"

Doomguy blinked. "We crossed the river." The AI answered for him.

"But...how?! What was that you just did?"

"Well the praetor armour that The Sla-...I mean, Mr Doom is wearing allows him to expend some air has he jumps, producing an extra burst of..."

"What is a 'jumps'?"

The duo paused for a moment. "You mean jumping?" She nodded intently. "Well...its when a creature contracts its leg muscles to exert force on the ground in such a way that would propel it through the air in a direction of its choosing."

"Erm...o-ok." She smiled awkwardly, trying to process the knowledge she had just received. "And he can...do that again?"

"Would you be so kind?" VEGA requested, and Doomguy complied by leaping once into the air, soaring higher than the tree beside him, before landing. "He is very fit, so he can leap higher than most."

"I see..." Isabelle thought for a moment, then looked down at her legs. "Can...I do that?"

The Slayer grumbled quietly in his suit and VEGA knew it was time to progress. "We shall teach you at a later point, but for now we must be going."

Isabelle nodded acceptingly, then shot them with yet another bright smile that pierced Doomguy's raging soul more roughly than any Tyrant's missile. "Sounds good! See you soon, and tell the other two I'm looking forward to seeing them!"

"I don't think they will be seeing you for the rest of their lives, but I shall relay the message." VEGA chuckled, and The Slayer walked up to the tiny store. "Now for the first obstacle; the door."

On Earth most things were designed for normal sized humans, and even then, the Marine had trouble fitting through certain doors and passages in his hulking armour. So, you can imagine the logistics of this behemoth trying to fit through a door which was designed for creatures barely half of his height.

Luckily, he was stopped before he decided to just blow a hole through the wall by the appearance of Tom Nook at his shop's gate. "You must be Mr Doom." The older tanuki said, inspecting him closely before turning back and calling into the shop, "Tommy and Timmy; take care of the shop for a moment."

"Ok...yes sir!" The pair called and as the automatic doors shut Tom turned and walked around the side of his store, beckoning for the slayer to follow him.

"Be careful," VEGA warned on the internal mics, "There are some unusual energy signatures coming from the vicinity."

As they reached the back of the shop, Tom looked both ways discretely before tapping the bricks in a strange order on the back of the shop. "...'b', 'a', 'start'." He concluded, and a large passage opened up that led down into an apparently cellar. "Mind your head."

The two of them descended underneath the shop into what can only be described as a gigantic dungeon filled with bizarre artefacts and relics. "Very unexpected." VEGA allowed, taking the time to analyse the sea of items that far surpassed even the armaments of the Fortress of Doom itself. While many of them seemed like oddly shaped weapons from different worlds and consoles, there were a few that were recognisable.

"You have ammunition and power cells for our suit." The AI said surprised.

"This isn't my first alien rodeo." Tom told them with a wry smile, and led them to a section of weapons that they recognised. "Travellers come aplenty to these worlds, and over time I have amassed quite the collection of wares for them." He turned around and shot them a smug grin. "After all; what respectable shop owner wouldn't stock goods for ALL of his customers?"

"Doomguy is impressed." VEGA told the racoon dog. "Which in itself is a very impressive feat. You seem to have what we are seeking, though I must ask; with an array of weapons such as these, what's to stop less...hospitable lifeforms from taking them?"

With a click of his tongue three weapons appeared from the ceiling and trained themselves on the Marine. The first two were unrecognisable; appearing to be some sort of arm canon from another armoured suit and a large gun from some sort of space fighter craft, but the third was a very recognisable sight.

"The BFG 9000 is nearly firing" The AI announced. "A big gun, but surely one that would destroy your stock along with your assailant. Along with yourself and nephews."

The tanuki shrugged. "As I said, this isn't my first rodeo. I am surprisingly resilient, and by controlling all of the construction, housing and good selling of this island I am beyond rich. Nothing is unobtainable, though relocating can be a bit tiresome after a while. Especially when my nephews and I have taken such a liking to these residents."

Doomguy's eyes never left the animal's. He'd stared down demons and gods of unimaginable power more times than he could count, and those experiences had taught him when his opponents were overconfident or just plain bluffing.

Tom was doing neither. "Now, as you have been polite this far to myself and this island's inhabitants, I shall explain how this will work. The currency of this planet is bells, and as such bells are the only payment I will take. Should you obtain some I would be more than happy to sell you my wares, but until then I shall bid you adieu."

"This is what you humans call 'big dick energy' is it not?" VEGA spoke to Doomguy as the death machine looked from the guns back down to the shop owner. "You could probably kill it, though the weapons and ammunition would most likely be destroyed from the blasts along with any other equipment he is storing down here. As much as you don't like it, we will have to abide by his terms otherwise we would truly be stranded."

"So how do we acquire these bells?" VEGA asked politely, silently activating a prayer subprogram to whatever AI god there was to keep the Slayer from doing what came naturally to him.

"Fishing or fossil hunting." Tom explained. "Collecting items that appear, crafting items and gardening. The world is your oyster and I'm happy to buy it off you. Though I would note there aren't any demons in these parts and I would like to keep it that way."

"Something we can all agree on." The AI said and Doomguy nodded. "Aside from the one that brought us here, there are no others we could detect. If that was to change somehow, we would be swift to correct it."

"Exactly what I wanted to hear." The tanuki shot them a sweet smile and nodded at the door. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a shop to run and you have currency to acquire. Thank you and come again."

Doomguy seethed as he climbed the stairs, contemplating turning back and throwing the 'laying low' idea to the wind, but for all of his rage he had to respect the literally small business owner for his work. And his gigantic balls. Few creatures had faced him down like that, and even fewer had lived to tell about it.

"Lets put that fishing rod to use then." VEGA quipped, and the two began their quest to escape this delightful paradise.