1For The Lover That I Lost
Disclaimer: The usual ones apply. I do not own Sailor Moon or the characters. Storyline is my own idea, based on a song, of which I do not own!
A/N: This story concept was something that stirred with me when I listened to the titled song by Céline Dion (For the lover that I lost). Sooooo, go listen to it now, during or after you have read this short story.
ALSO, the chapters are alternative endings… this is not going to be an ongoing continuation of a story.
-Beep Beep Beep- -Beep Beep Beep-
With a groan he rolled over and let his hand land on the alarm to stop the blasted thing from continuing to buzz and beep. Ordinarily, he was the type to be awake before the alarm even went off, so hearing the thing was more annoying than anything. But today was different. Heck, the past few days leading up to today were the only exceptions for his usually perfect routine life. It wasn't always like this. No. Just the last 3 years he had allowed himself to divert from routine for these few days; each and every year. The only few days he would allow himself to feel anything really. If he had to be honest with himself. His line of work couldn't afford him to permit personal distractions to interfere. And sadly, over the years as his professional name grew, so did this terrible habit of his to be very precise and objective in all aspects of his life.
Cracking an eye open he noticed a ray of sunshine peeking between the curtains. It was odd because he was usually awake before the sunrise. But the golden ray reminded him of something else. With another sigh he rolled onto his back and took a glance to his left, letting an arm fall onto the empty side. 3 years and it still pulled at his heart to see the spot empty. Closing his eyes slowly, he pictured quiet vividly an image of a blonde woman smiling, with her long golden spun hair spilled around her. This particular memory was of a younger version, when they were teens. He remembered it clear as day. He was tickling her on the loungeroom floor, despite her asking him to stop; 'stop Darien, pleeeease!' her laughing voice lingering as her cheerful face imprinted firmer in his mind. How she was perfection. The moment he first laid eyes on her, to every day after, she was everything he had ever wanted and more. Everything about her was bright, infectious laughter. And then he had come into her life, bringing with him darkness and tears.
Tearing his eyes open, he decided it was probably best to get up to avoid furthering himself into despair and depression. Rolling out of bed he went about his usual routine. Daily it was effortless and flawless. But today… how everything just bombarded him with memories about her, making the process a lot slower than usual. Stepping out of the shower, his eyes glanced over the empty double sink. Looking at her side he couldn't help but remember the times he used to enjoy watching her put on make-up and struggle with her lustrous long hair of golden sunshine. The endearing face of frustration she would show; brows furrowed with bulging cheeks from the breath she held in, just like a toddler about to throw a tantrum. But it was those baby blue eyes that always gave her true feelings and emotions away. One look at those eyes and he was caught in her web. It was those little moments he took for granted but made him adore her even more. Making him more grateful each day as he retained those precious memories.
His usual work attire was placed at the front of the wardrobe, so he would just grab it and lay it on the bed, but today was special, which meant having to walk into the room to reach the particular suit which was dedicated for today only. When he purchased this house as a wedding present, he had specially built in a walk-in robe for his wife. She was addicted to the television series called 'Sex and the City' and would rave about her own need for such a luxurious cupboard. And anything his wife wanted; it was hers in a heartbeat. Which was why the first thing he had commissioned after purchasing the house was to renovate the bedroom to accommodate such a space that would even make Carrie Bradshaw run for her money.
Stepping foot into the wardrobe, he glanced around the space, eyeing the empty racks that were once filled with brightly coloured clothing at one stage. The memory of the day he showed her the house, and finally this room, had came rushing back to him.
"Oh my goodness," she squealed excitedly, looking around the place with a spring in her step, "is this for real?" she turned her face back to me. The first thing I noticed was her million-dollar smile. That twinkle in those azure eyes that were shining with glee as she took in everything around her. Ever since she first feasted her eyes on the house from the driveway, I never once witnessed her smile dissipate. But this was by far her favourite room, I could tell by the way she had literally skipped around the room touching everything. It reminded me when she was a teenager; particularly the time when she had managed to get her hands on a copy of the next volume to her favourite manga series. Although she should have been studying, she was too busy snickering at her amusement of finally getting a copy. He loved that the smallest things brought such happiness to her. And this one room was specifically dedicated to her. It was that smile that made the effort and cost worth it.
"I finally have my own walk-in wardrobe," she sung while skipping further into the room, gushing over all the details, drawers, and shelving, "oh, Darien," she turned back to face me with such contentment on her face. A tear fell from her eye.
"What's wrong?" I quickly asked, taking her into my arms as I brushed the tear away, using the same hand to raise her face to look at me.
"It just feels unreal," she started with a content sigh, "I finally have you back in the Country. You're with me… and," more tears escaped her eyes as she took in a breath, "I just love you so much Darien!" She had latched onto the front of my shirt, which made me lean towards her more, as she raised herself to her toes and kissed me square on the mouth. Our height difference was sometimes a challenge, but I also found it so utterly delectable when she figured out ways to drag me down closer to her.
"Anything for you," I whisper over her lips between tender, soft kisses. She was right, it did feel unreal. All those years away studying, this was what I had worked so hard for. She was the reason I was able to stay afloat and see the light at the end of the long tunnel. She was the reason I never gave up. And that was why it made my heart burst to be able to give her such presents like this massive house, and her dream wardrobe. For all the years I had made her wait, I would do anything to ensure she kept smiling each and every day, for as long as I live. That was my current plan.
As we broke apart, she run a hand threw my hair keeping me close to her, "promise me things will never change? We'll stay like this always?" she whispered, looking directly into my eyes with such love and warmth.
"I promise," I replied back with all my heart. I wanted it to be true. I wanted every waking moment to be with her. And so, I kissed her with all my might. I was never good at showing emotions, but when I was with her it was so natural to be happy. It felt right to have her in my arms. And I would try and keep my promise.
"I keep falling in love with you," her sweet words fell out between soft kisses, "I'd marry you again in a heartbeat," I felt her smile against my lips. In my head, I echoed those exact same words back to her. She was my lighthouse.
His eyes glassed over at the happy memory. How did everything turn out this way? He shook his head. He already knew. It was his own damned fault. How could he have taken those precious moments and turn happy laughter and sweet promises into tears of despair and hatred. He grabbed the suit he was after and quickly walked out of the room. He felt ashamed that he could not keep his promises… that a day had finally came, when he could no longer make his wife smile.
This was why he only allowed himself a few days a year to feel everything. Otherwise all year round he would have been swallowed by self-pity and depression from his own faults. Every year when this date came about, it was always the same. No one really knew why he took this week off annually. But no one ever asked questions since he never took any other time off work, nor had any other commitments that restricted him from working almost every day and accepting all overtime work. It was only those who were close to him that really knew the truth. Those who knew him tried to avoid him during this time. And those who were unaware, if they had seen him during this week, they would have realised just how completely out of character he was compared to every other day of the year.
Who was he? Darien Shields. Or as the world knew him as, 'leading cardiac surgeon, Doctor Darien Shields'. During his years of study, he was often referred to as a prodigy. His smarts had granted him the ability to grasp things really easily, and with no time at all, he was highly praised by the school, and before he knew it, he was being praised by various media outlets with high hopes for future success.
During his years of interning and residency, all his teachers and colleagues had all wanted him to stay in the States; to continue working with the very people who had helped train him. But there was someone special he needed to return to. The mysterious lady he kept talking about, but no one had ever met. Begrudgingly they wished him farewell, but as a highly praised Alumni, everyone kept regular communication with him.
Even when he returned to his homeland, his reputation had made it very difficult to have a normal and private life. What people didn't know, was that when he graduated his bachelor's degree, he had come back to visit and married the love of his life. It was only a small romantic reunion with their closest friends; but that was what she wanted. And as a wish from his wife, he never publicly advised who his wife was, or details about his private life. She had made it very clear that she hated that part about his job, the constant media attention. So, he had tried very hard to find a balance between his professional life and private life.
That was one of the reasons he purchased the house they lived in. It was a little out of town, and on acreage. His wife loved nature and being away from the hustle and bustle of the city was a blessing for her. But more importantly, as a she was a vet, living out of the city made it easier for her to visit the farmlands. The only issue it posed, was when he travelled for work, or to conventions or symposiums. She hated being by herself in such a large house. he had never denied her from having friends over… but that was were some of their argument started.
He had offered more than once to bring her with him when he travelled, but she refused to come with him. She did not want anything to do with his career that involved media attention. And she would never ask him not to go. From the very start of their relationship she had always encouraged him to pursuit his life goal and do what he loved. She always promised that would never change. Constantly insisting how proud she was of him and how she only wanted him to succeed in his dream of being one of the world's top Cardiac surgeons. But some days he didn't feel like they were team when she wanted nothing to do with his career and success. He had tried to help her with her own career too; offering to help her get her own practice, but she kept denying any help from me in regard to her career. And as time went by, after more fighting, she eventually wanted me to stop doing and buying anything for her, as it would always lead towards another argument.
And that lead to more arguments about their entire marriage. The more she locked herself away and found excuses to stop going out near public with him, the more he wanted to shout it off the rooftop that she was his. He wanted to show her off to the whole world and show just how much she meant to him. The internal bickering eventually put a stop to all romantic dinners and dates. Even going out together to a public park became a hassle for her. But as much as she found excused to say no, she would easily complain about how they never done anything together. Protesting that they were drifting apart, expressing feelings of fear. But regardless of everything I tried to do to rectify the situation, nothing was ever good enough for her. But that was a whole other issue in itself, because we both agreed very early one that some things were non-negotiables… like our dreams and goals.
She would never express her desires for me to leave the spotlight, and it wasn't my desire to stay there either. But I was destined for greatness. I wanted to be the best, and sadly there were some things outside of my control that came with that goal. I did not expect my return to cause such a fuss. I originally wanted to settle first before taking that next step in my career, but I was scouted by almost every hospital upon my return. All of them already knowing about me and wanting to be the ones to support and promote me as I continued to grow my potential as the best with their backings. This was my life goal, and my wife had promised to support me in that endeavour. We both promised we would never cause issue for each other's careers and ambitions, but it was clear it caused a massive rift in our marriage.
Naturally, everything had to come crumbling down, crashing to the earth with a massive boom that radiated with shock waves. That fire we started with turned into sparks, and eventually those sparks turned into ember coal that was slowly dying without oxygen that was affection. Within no time those past memories started to feel like magical bliss of once upon a dream, and the fighting seemed to sweet, being the only form of communication and interaction. Our love had turned into a beautiful tragedy. But I couldn't visualise life without her.
The only way I found myself managing, was by creating a hard exterior. I had only ever been able to show affection and emotion with my wife, and with that in decline, I begun to lose sight of how to self-regulate my feelings. Soon rumours started to float in the media about my private life; or lack thereof, people assumed. During my many interviews I had always replied to their questions about how I maintained such a professional presence, was by my strict work policy of not allowing personal feelings and emotions to impact on my work. When you're in that operating room you had to be objective, because mere seconds could be all that determined life of death. It was no place for personal feelings, thoughts or emotions. Soon I was being called the emotionless man, and because I had to take my wedding band off for surgeries, the media portrayed me as a bachelor who wasn't looking for love. Apparently.
With everything going on, I had fallen into the darkness and lost myself. And soon both my wife and I believed the media. In order to protect my wife, I couldn't come out and tell them they were all wrong. Why were they even so interested in my life in the first place? But because my hands were tired, it caused more distress for my wife. Proving that gap between us was widening… until finally something had to be done. We were both so unhappy, and our once happy marriage was now something else completely.
- Three years ago -
An unusual feeling washed over me as the house came into view from the end of the driveway. Was my wife home? Why were half the usual lights turned off? But I see her car there, parked in the driveway. Not in the garage? That foreboding feeling, the one I usually got when I was about to lose a patient, was slowly creeping over me.
I swallow the lump in my throat as I park the car and almost run towards the front door. The foyer was dark. Dropping my items down, I focus on trying to listen for anything! That was when I heard soft sobbing. My heart suddenly felt like a tonne of bricks. My breathing hitched at the sudden despair.
I stalked through the hallways and rooms towards the noise, but froze when I see a hunched figured sitting at the dining room table. Light from the next room drifted over her small frame, her face nestled in her hands.
"Serena?" my voice cracked as the emotions penetrated by heart. I felt knots form in my stomach as my brows furrow trying to figure out how it had come to this. He was used to coming home to her glaring or huffing about the house, or even trying to start an argument. But he was not prepared for this. "Are you alright?" I finally clear my throat as I take a step forward. But I freeze again when she lifted her head and I saw the pain written all over her face.
Her tear stained face broke my heart. She sobbed again, this time more loudly. I wanted to run to her, but I held myself back as she tried to push herself up from her seat. She had to hold onto the table for support. "I'm so sorry Darien," she finally spoke between sobs, "I can't… I can't do this anymore!" she broke down again as a hand flew to her face to hide it from his view, her body slumping in defeat.
"What do you mean?" I take another step, but that was when I see the large yellow envelope on the table. A wave of dread assaulted me as realisation set it. Funny how you know it would only be a matter of time… but when it really happens, no one is ever ready for the expected truth.
In my peripheral I see her raise her head and notice me looking at the envelope. She quickly tried to wipe her face and take in big breaths to calm herself down. Turning my head towards her, I notice she looked away as she couldn't bear to look at my face; each time she did she would only break into a sob. I personally couldn't take it anymore and I took the last few strides towards her and wrapped her in my arms. I couldn't care less about anything else. I knew what it was she was sorry about. I knew what she wanted. It was only a matter of time. It was inevitable. Which is why I couldn't say anything. All I could do was comfort her. I couldn't even blame her for doing this.
Every time we fought, I was always filled with regret and guilt. I couldn't give her the life she wanted or deserved. Although I could buy her anything her heart desired, or even shower her with the love I felt; it wasn't enough in the greater scheme of things. It was like I was forcing her to be happy with something she didn't necessarily want. Forcing her to settle for something else to make her happy. She deserved so much more.
We both knew the truth of it all. We were both stubborn people. Neither of us willing to truly express our true thoughts about the situation, for it would impact the one promise we made to each other, and in doing so it would breed contempt between us. Frustration was easier to live with over living with someone you eventually came to hate with a seething passion due to resentment. So, it was easier to push through the struggle in order to maintain our marriage. Often, I would ask myself: why couldn't she just learn to live in the spotlight with me? But I knew she wanted me to take a step back away from the spotlight. Therefore, it was a silent agreement we had to never voice those thoughts and cause possible irreversible damage to one another.
And I did have to admit to myself, divorce was the better outcome of all the possibilities. When she settled a bit and her sobbing died down, I pulled her away from my chest until I could see her face, with her head between both hands, I used my thumbs to dry her tears, "I understand," I calmly stated. Her breath was hitching as she wanted to say something. Before her glassy eyes could spill once more, I laid a gentle sweet kiss on her lips. "Don't confused my lack of emotions right now," I started. I wrapped her in my arms again, I never wanted to lose this feeling. "I'll never stop loving you Sere, but I will give you what you want. You know I would never deny you anything."
She broke down crying again, and I couldn't help but tighten my hold on her. "I know," she whispered, "but," she burred her face in my chest, "Why does it hurt so much!" she cried out, her hands clenching my shirt tighter against my chest.
My own vision was becoming blurry as I felt my eyes glisten. I burry my face into her golden hair as I try to lock the sensation of her strawberry and vanilla scented hair against my skin into memory. "I love you so much Serena," I whisper, placing a kiss on her head. Slowly loosening my embrace, I use one hand to reach for the envelope. During this time, she also took a step out of my hold and reached for the table as a means of support.
I take one last glance over her hunched figure. Unable to look at her face I unconsciously give a nod in understanding. Without another sound I walk out of the room and headed towards the stairs. I head to the one room which was my sanctuary. I felt like a true coward. But how could I fight for her without having resentment towards her in the years to come? And she would never rightfully ask me to give up my career. She would never take away my pride which was my life's work.
I remember it was a sleepless night, so I had decided to go to work earlier than usual. But before I left the house, I packed a bag and placed the signed documents on the kitchen counter along with a note advising her I would find accommodation elsewhere; she could keep the house. It was my gift to her anyway.
What I did not expect came later that day. One of her friends, Raye – who was one of the top divorce lawyers – had sent me an email on behalf of her client, my wife. I didn't realise how quickly it would all be over. But seeing the email made it feel real. Made me accept the truth of the whole situation. All my wife wanted was her engagement and wedding rings, everything else she forfeited, including the house. She just wanted her personal belongings, clothes, shoes, jewellery, computer, car, and one painting. Everything she wanted was severely under the value of everything else, including his own net worth; which Raye stated was MORE than fair and therefore he should not have any objections. He would have happily given his wife everything he owned and walked away from the divorce penniless for her. But that was just another thing that he fell in love with her about when they were younger. Her love could never be bought, she didn't want expensive items. She was not greedy.
But after reading the email, his broken heart started to crack. It wasn't until he returned to their home that evening that his heart shattered to pieces as he realised, she was gone. Everything was where it was meant to be, but entering their bedroom, everything about her was removed. He couldn't bring himself to look into the wardrobe.
It was too real. She had really left him. She was gone from his life.
And it was on that precise date, every year after, he needed this time off work to get his emotions back in order. Still, after 3 years, his heart never stopped loving her, and this was the only time he had dedicated to their memories and her. He knew dwelling on the past wouldn't fix anything, and it would cause issues for his work, so he mentally denied himself this pleasure during the rest of the year.
Sitting down with his morning coffee he picked up his phone and dialled a familiar number. After a few rings there was a click, 'Hey Darien,' answered a voice over the phone.
"Lita," he started with a pause, taking a deep breath, "I assume all the usual preparations are done for today?" he finally asked. He could trust Lita to have everything organised. But today was special, and everything needed to be perfect.
"Of course," she replied in a low voice, "should I reserve your usual table as well? Or will you leave it this time and go?"
There was a pause. He knew he needed to let go, move on. But he couldn't, never. It was impossible for him to move on. "Please reserve it," he finally spoke, "thank you." With that he hung up on her.
He had met Lita through his wife. She was one of her closest friends. Thankfully one of the few understanding friends his wife had. Although Lita was quiet protective over Serena, it was actually Lita who had helped him devise this plan and agreed to help him. It was a year after the divorce, during which time he swore he would never try to reach out to Serena, he finally broke. Keeping his promise, his first instinct was to reach out to her friends. Lita being the first one he considered. She was of course cold at first, but eventually came to an understanding as to why he was asking about Serena.
"Please Lita," I breathed, "I need to know!" I couldn't help but stress each word. "I promised I would never walk back into her life and show myself. But I need to know she is at least doing alright?" After no reply I continued to convince her, "I let her go Lita, because I love her. She deserves to be free and have that freedom. But I never once stopped loving her. Never. And I probably never will. She will always be the love of my life."
"Please stop, Darien," Lita interrupted me finally. I could hear the sigh in her voice. "She's doing as well as can be expected, okay?" she finally offered. At least she didn't hang up on me. Yet.
"As well as can be expected?" I parroted her words, "what do you mean? Is she sick?"
"No, Darien," she said coldly, "You weren't… or are, the only one hurting. You have no idea how much she loved you. And you didn't even fight for her?" he could hear she was getting quiet emotional as she advocated for her friend, "You didn't even beg her to stay, or at least ask her not to divorce you?"
"What was the point Lita?" I snapped, "I'm sure all you girls have come to the same realisation I did." I was frustrated, but I expected as much. "One of us would have had to give up something important to us, and what would have become of the marriage than? It was clear I wouldn't bend, and I already knew it was selfish of me. I didn't want her to give up something for me. I knew it was unfair to even ask her. And that was why I let her go Lita." I almost growled, "Do you understand why now?"
"Darien," I could feel the pain in her whispered words. Yes, the girls had already assumed as much. Their group was quite unique with multiple different perspectives. Surely they all came to the same conclusion; Serena would have had to be the one to give up and allow them to become public. Which she wouldn't have made a complaint. But eventually they would have fought as she would have wanted her privacy back. Either way, it would have been the same result. No one knew how long Darien's fame would be. Especially with him always being invited to symposiums about new medical breakthroughs, invited to witness and try new techniques. That was the life he ultimately chose, and his wife agreed to support him no matter what. All her friends knew Serena well enough to know she would never ask him to step down or give up his career for her sake. So why were her friends so hell bent on making him look like he didn't care at all? "You both married young and didn't quite imagine or understand what you were both signing up for in the future," she started off slowly, "not knowing how it would all turn out. But I suppose your choice was the easiest for Serena, and it meant she would never have her name in the media or linked to you. I understand you took everything into perspective and reached a decision that would be best for Serena's sake. I really do feel for you Darien." Her voice was low and firm, but empathetic.
"Of course, you're correct," I started, "but I would not change my past with Serena for anything! Love like that happens once in a millennium, Lita. That's why I just need to know. Is she okay? Is she doing well? She hasn't fallen into depression, or lost weight? She's still healthy? Still working? Still smiling and laughing? Anything!" I was going insane not knowing. I really didn't care if I came across as an obsessed stalker. But my lover for her had never wavered. Not once. She still held every inch of my heart in her hands.
Lita, on the other hand, had felt a tear slide down her cheek. Their love story really was one for the books. From the moment they both realised they loved each other; nothing could have kept them apart. So it did came as a shock when Raye announced that she was acting for Serena as her divorce lawyer. "You know we will always be there for Serena, and we've tried to help her where we can," Lita finally replied. "I promise we have all been helping her move on. She's healthy, and still working. She appears happy… and I know what you're trying to ask Darien," she paused. I could tell she was struggling with her next choice of words, "she doesn't have anyone else in her life. I highly doubt she will come to love anyone else the way she loved you Darien."
I released the breath I wasn't aware I was holding. Relief washed over me. But deep down I already knew the truth. There was a 99% chance she was feeling exactly as I was. We may have been opposites, but when it came our feelings about one another, we were so similar. I finally mustered the courage to ask for the original purpose of this call, "This is a massive favour Lita, but what are the chances I could see her?" I held my breath, feeling my heartbeat race as I anticipated her answer.
"Darien," she started, but I was so fearful to be denied that I spoke over her.
"Just once! Even from afar? She won't even have to know!" I quickly pleaded. Pain ebbed at my heart, "I can't explain it Lita!" and it frustrated me!, "I just… one glimpse!" I couldn't help myself, but I broke down in tears as they fell from my eyes. I didn't do it on purpose to try and persuade her with emotions, but I couldn't help the way I was feeling.
I could hear Lita taking a deep breath over the other side of the phone. He wasn't sure if it was frustration or remorse, or even pity, "I will help you Darien, but only because I care about you both, and on one condition!" she stressed.
"Anything!" I immediately interjected. I didn't care what her condition was. I was willing to do anything at this stage. "Name it, it's you. I'll do anything!" I blabbered. I could feel the hope rising within me. This call was turning out to be better than I expected.
"I want you to understand something first," she started in a stern tone, "and I don't know why I am going to tell you this… but I think it might help," she interrupted quickly, "Serena has come to me frequently for emotional support… as well as for my double chocolate cake. But, She would always cry about how much she misses you and would do anything to have another moment with you. And don't get your hopes up, because she would always admit that it was crazy for her to feel and think this way. She honestly believes there is no real hope for you both ultimately. Yet, like you, she expressed her desires to be able to know that you were doing well as well. She just wanted to know that you were thinking about her the way she was thinking about you. That you are in just as much pain as she is."
I couldn't believe what Lita was telling me. But part of me already knew Serena was suffering more than I. She was after all more emotional than me. But perhaps there was something they could negotiate in order to appease both of us?
"So, how can you show Serena that you still think of her, and you're experiencing the same suffering she is, without showing your face to her, or giving her some sort of false hope?" Lita finally finished
I let all of her words really sink in, and I considered what she was trying to tell me. And then it hit me, "I can't directly contact her, so can you pass her a message for me, in a location where I can watch from a distance?" he finally proposed.
"That would work, but it'd have to be somewhere she's comfortable and safe, because let's face it, she will probably break down and cry," Lita added.
Then it really hit me! Something Serena would always bring up when we fought. "Lita, 2 day from now is an important date for us, I'm sure you're aware it's the date of our official split. I will pay for everything, but can I invite her to your restaurant for lunch?" I propositioned. Serena had always wanted to be able to bring me lunch at work, or meet me at work for lunch, but she was too fearful of being seen. So perhaps asking her to a lunch date might be something she would be willing to accept. I explained it to Lita, "She always wanted to do a lunch date with me, but we never got the chance to," I sighed at my own lack of ability to be a decent husband, "my choice of contact will have a deep meaning to her, Lita. It will show my feelings are equal to her. I just want to be able to watch her come in. Know she is well, eating a good meal and looking after herself, and I will walk out without her even knowing I was there."
"What if she doesn't come?" Lita just had to rain on my shred of sunlight.
"Then…" I struggled to want to even think about it, "I tried. And I'll never try again. You won't hear from me again. None of you girls will. I'll find a way to move on." It was all I could do. At least knowing I tried should be enough for me to lose hope in seeing her again. And with her having some sort of contact from me, I know she had the opportunity if she wished. But would it be enough for me to entirely give up? I could only hope. I was just thankful that Lita was entertaining my request at the moment.
There was a long pause on Lita's end as she considered everything I was proposing. "Okay," I finally got my answer, "I can agree. 11am, before the lunch rush. I'll allow this much, Darien," she said firmly. "And if she does show up, we can reassess this plan for future use?" I was so ecstatic to hear her agree! I never thought I could feel happiness like this again.
"Thank you, Lita, truly!" I gushed with joy. I honestly could not have thanked Lita enough. I never expected her to agree, at least not at first. But it turned out better than I expected. I never could have visualised life with Serena, and although I was the last thing she needed in her life to be happy… I needed to have something with her in my life. Of course I didn't deserve this much. I paid a heavy price for the life I chose, and I accepted that. But I was going without sleep, and this was something I needed to go through to put an end to my own misery. Just a glimpse to add to my memory should be enough for me to keep living without her in my life.
And that was how it all started. This year would mark the third time I was preparing for my Lunch date with Serena. The first time I held my breath, but it was a success. She showed up and Lita explained later to me that Serena had expressed wishes to make this their thing. But Lita kept reminding me that it was all determined by whether or not Serena showed up. For that one time she failed to show, it would all stop. Everything was in Serena's control, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.
Lita had sworn me to secrecy, as Serena and her had agreed to keep it a secret between them, for the other girls definitely would not have supported it. And of course, Lita stressed the importance of staying out of her line of view. She refused to allow Serena to know that I was within the same room as her. Which I understood. Lita worried that Serena would crumble and fall and be sent backwards by seeing me. But she did agree to me leaving a personal handwritten note along with flowers each time.
Looking at my watch it was already 9:00am. I placed the coffee cup in the sink and sat on the couch to put my socks and shoes on. Finally grabbing my wallet and keys off the hallway table, I left the house to my most important date. It was a 30-minute drive into the city. Along the way I would stop into the florist where my pre-ordered dozen red roses were waiting for me to pick them up. Every year he would hand write her a personal message on the supplied card from the florist. He remembered how much Serena loved his cursive writing. She was envious at his skill, but it fathomed her how a doctor could have such neat writing when they seemed to never write neatly on medical scripts or documents. He laughed at the memory. He would always reply, 'because during a busy day no one has time to stop and think about their writing'. And it's true. When I'm not in the operation theatre, I'm booked with patients. There's little to no time to write. I actually give a lot of that to the interns and residency students, so really, it's their writing on patient records, not mine.
By the time I collected the flowers and wrote my message, it was around 10:15am when I walked into Lita's restaurant. The gentleman at the waters station simply nodded to my presence. He had been here the previous times, and Lita had advised the staff to not question my existence throughout my time on the premises. Plus, I didn't need to be shown where to go. I walked towards the back of the room to the single tablet in front of a massive window that shone bright sunrays over the table setting. I could just image the expression on her face to seeing such a sight. She loved to bath in the sunlight and bright places. And with Lita's array of pink and white roses with polished silverware, it was a table fit and ready for a queen to sit at.
This restaurant of Lita's was one of her more high-end establishments. She had earned the reputation of a world-renowned chef and opened many different establishments with her recipes. It was a low key place that didn't get packed, and it was tucked away in a back street. One of those hole in the wall places – which were a bit harder to find, but totally worth the hassle for their amazing food.
I realised the weight of the flowers in my hand and placed them elegantly across the top of the plate on the table. Ensuring the card sat perfectly on top, with her name beautifully written in cursive across the front.
"Darien," I turn around after hearing Lita's voice ring through my head. She gave me a warm supportive smile, "your table is ready."
I give a curt nod along with a smile, "Thank you, Lita." I felt her eyes on me as I moved towards the opposite side of the room. As opposed to the sunshine at the front, the back was darker, giving the perfect place to hide from view. It was literally in the corner behind a statue. I sat myself where I could afford the view and took a deep breath to settle my nerves. I look to the table and realise a coffee was prepared for me whilst I wait.
I wasn't what you would call a patient man, but I did know how to practice patience. And for Serena, I would wait a millennium for her. Even if it was just for a glimpse. It was worth it. I knew it would never amount to anything; we had a tragic love. And although I felt free when I was with her, it was the opposite for her. And she was more important than my own wants and needs. So it was nothing for me to ensure I arrived earlier to guarantee she would not see me anywhere near this establishment. It would be a rare occurrence for her to be early anywhere, but miracles did happen.
Coming out of my thoughts I looked at my watch. It was getting closer to 11am now, and the anticipation was building within. It would be a quick glimpse as she entered and I would walk straight to the entrance, hiding while I waited for her to pick up the card, staying just long enough so I could capture her expression. And with a quick turn on the heel I would have left the premises without her being none the wiser! It was fool proof.
And that was when I noticed two round golden buns entering the restaurant. I unconsciously sucked in a nervous breath of air. It never ceased to amaze me how her beauty took my breath away. Even that award winning smile that captured every heart she beamed it towards. How envious I was towards the waiter who got to witness such a brilliant smile face on. What I would have given to be able to be close enough to hear her angelic voice, but I settled with the view I was able to get.
Watching the waiter motion for her to follow him to her table, I lifted myself off the chair with a heavy sigh. Effortlessly I pushed the chair in and managed to do my jacket buttons up whilst watching the pair move across the room. I moved towards the entrance whilst straightening my suit, and I couldn't help but imagine Serena's response to me wearing this. I was every bit the gentlemen I appeared in the tailored charcoal suit, patent shoes and belt. It was the suit Serena has fell in love with and purchased for me. She had always gushed about her admiration of seeing me in my suits and how I managed to look like I came right off a magazine page. So, although I knew she would not see me, I still wanted to dress up for her.
Pulling away from my thoughts I watched her sitting alone at her table. I noticed how her hands trembled as she reached for the flowers. Just like the last two times, she had brought them to her face and smelt them. Her eyes were closed, but her face looked so serene. Perhaps she was remembering something about me? But then she shakenly placed the flowers down and reached for the card. I couldn't see the tear, but she brushed the back of her hand across the cheek I couldn't see. I automatically knew she was thinking of me. A dull throb started at my heart. I too felt my eyes started to dampen. I couldn't stay any longer. I knew what I wrote would make her cry if this was her reaction already; I couldn't stand to watch her cry knowing that with a few short strides I could wrap her in my arms again. With a quick turn I breathed the fresh air from the sidewalk.
I released a shaky breath. Pulling the fresh image of her into my mind. She still looked magnificent; but I felt reassured that she was doing well. She too, every year, dressed up; and I knew it was for me. Whenever she asked for my opinion of clothes she tried on, I would always say the white on. Something about the colour white on her just… it suited her so well. And today she had worn yet another white dress for me. It was an elegant white satin formal dress which hugged her figure in all the right places; however, my attention was drawn to the fact that she looked like she had lost some weight. In addition, each year she also styled her hair in my favourite bun style from when she was a teenager. Anyone probably would have thought it weird to see a grown woman dressed in such a manner during the middle of the day, but that was another trait he loved about her. She had an innate ability to not give a care about what people thought of her, and I was so glad she still didn't care.
Finally, being able to find the strength to move, I headed towards my vehicle. I had parked it a couple of hundred metres down the road, but close enough to see the entrance of the restaurant. I never told Lita this bit, but I always waiting to watch her leave. I had to take every opportunity I could get; and it was only if I promised myself that I would not approach her. I would keep my promise to Lita to ensure these little moments continued to happen.
Crossing the road, I leaned again my car on the footpath side. I had my back to the restaurant, but I strategically placed myself in front of one of those traffic mirrors, which happened to show a clear image of the entrance. Knowing I had a good 20 to 30 minutes minimum before Serena was done with Lunch I decided to rest my head back and close my eyes.
My memories took me down memory lane, back to where it all started. I knew from the moment I laid eyes on her for the first time that she would be my downfall. It was the only explanation I had to the hurtful and taunting behaviour I couldn't control in front of her. I was denying the inevitable 'love at first sight'. Something I had always been sceptical about, and often voiced my thoughts about. But our attraction to one another was undeniable, and uncontrollable. Once we both accepted the inevitable and decided to try, our love blossomed and bloomed like wild spring flowers; saturating a whole field in a blink of an eye. But even the largest field of flowers couldn't survive natural disasters like hurricanes and draughts… just like our marriage.
I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself. It wasn't just my career and media that ended us. From the start there were too many weeds in our garden. Each one trying to involve themselves into our lives. And as the years passed and the bickering starting, more and more weeds suddenly appeared; each one poisoning us more. Until I was listening to other people's words come out of my wife's mouth. I know part of Serena's reasoning was self-doubt from people telling her what they thought she should do. But I didn't try to compete with them. I never wanted to be blamed for forcing her to stay or trying to 'control' her with my words. Perhaps it all came back down to miscommunication?
I couldn't help but release a frustrated sigh. This wouldn't do. I couldn't think about such memories while I waited. It was the past, and I would be damned to ruin today with such negative memories. At the end of the day, it was between Serena and I, and this is what we chose. And we both had to live with our choices now…
My train of thought was lost from the noise of heels clicking. What sane woman wanted to run in heels in the middle of day? I asked myself as I slowly opened my eyes to find the culprit. Looking towards the direction of the noise, I immediately regretted my choices once again. It was too late for me to run and hide, or even jump into the car and leave. Automatically I pulled away from the car and straightened myself up. For some reason the lump in my throat wouldn't budge no matter how often I tried to swallow it down. Was that sweat forming on my forehead? I probably looked like a deer caught in headlights as I stared at the approaching woman. She had slowed down whilst crossing the road, but her speed picked up when she spotted her destination. She looked rather determined with one hand holding her dress hem up, so she didn't trip, and the other hand firmly grasped onto the card I had written and left for her with the flowers.
A/N: choose your ending option between the next two chapters.