Chapter 1 'Clubbing'
I have decided to write a satirical story on Rio. I will include all the clichés I can think of. It will have proper grammar and spelling, but will be cliché. Which is the point. I will include comedy throughout, often pointing out flaws, or some other things. I don't know. Hopefully it turns out good. It will also be absolutely insane in its plot. Wait until next chapter or something, where I go off the rails into the most insane plot for a Rio story. I can't confirm that, but it is certainly up there. DON'T TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY
Contains plenty of internet humour, sarcasm, references, irony, dark comedy, dry humour, self awareness, absurdist humour, retardation, and satire. And LOTS of vulgar humour and swearing.
Note: Any jarring dialogue is intentional. I say this so I can escape any critique for lazy writing…Just kidding, I'm totally not a lazy moron.
*Is for any cliché.
I got this idea from OrangeMacawWorld, who gave out several clichés for me to use. I also have my own collection of clichés to use. I will use all of them. Enjoy or suffer.
Jewel was still having surgery preformed on her. Blu wanted to see how the procedure was going. Tulio was having a break, when Blu walked up to him.
''Hey Blu!'', he said and waved. Blu signed for pen and paper, Tulio handed it to him. He wrote down, much to Tulio's astonishment.
'How is Jewel doing?', it read. Tulio didn't answer, instead he fainted. Because this was a major scientific discovery of sorts. Blu being able to write. Blu wasn't too impressed at the doctor fainting.
''C'mon, it's just a bird who can write in perfect, eligible English and is therefore capable of communicating perfectly with humans. I don't see the big deal!'', he said. Tulio started to get up, and read it.
''Jewel's doing fine. Now I would like to study this further. This is a major scientific breakthrough!'', he said with excitement.
A few hours later, Blu was in the hollow. Jewel had returned.
''Blu! Where the fuck are you?'', she called out.
''I'm here!'', Blu called out.
''Where is 'here'?'', she asked
''Here!'', Blu cried out.
''Blu come down here!'', she cried out in frustration. Blu flew down.
''Hey Jewel, how's your wing?'', he asked.
''Well apart from the breakages and damage done to the wing, its alright. I can fly again…After 3 weeks or so.'',
''Welcome to the club!'', Blu said jokingly.
''Same to you. You can fly, so you're not apart of the club anymore.''
''So, what do you want to do?'', Blu asked.
''Fly. But I can't so, can you get me some food?'', she asked.
''Certainly.''. Headed off and got some mangoes from the kitchen. He returned and gave them to Blu.
''Oh, my knight in shining armour!'',* she said tenderly.
The two kissed, and then ate their food.
Anyways as the author is a lazy asshole, we shall skip to her being free and able to fly. BECAUSE I AM LAZY. IF YOU CRITICISE ME FOR THIS THEN YOU ARE NITPICKING AND BIASED. I WIN. ALSO I WILL REPORT YOU FOR CYBERBULLYING ME!1!1!1!1 help
3 weeks later, Blu and Jewel had flown off and found their hollow. It was big (Like me xd), spacious, next to some fruit trees, which have perfectly ripe mangoes, braziilian nuts, grapes, passionfruit etcetera. It was also nearby a stream. Its so perfect that it may have a dream about a weird cgi fetus thing telling it ''You're not perfect.''.
''Wow this place is perfect!'', Jewel commented.
''Just like you!'', Blu said.
''Awwww…Thanks! Anyways you wanna have sex?'', she asked.
''Not yet. Anyways lets go clubbing!'', Blu said.
''Sure!'', she agreed.
The two blue birds headed off 2 da club. Hosted by two birds who talk like ghetto rappers, (minus saying nigga and other things in the film. This story they do go full ghetto), despite being from Brazil. Weird how no main character has a Brazilian accent, instead they have American, or some generic Hispanic accent, because reasons.
The two entered da club, the place with laser light shows that could blind you, fog machines, and music so loud you'll have a ringing in your ears for the next week after. The place where drunk assholes, sluts, douchebags, lonely people, pickup artists, horny people, date rapists and corporate lawyers run wild. Its worse than Detroit. They should rename the place to 'New Slough'.
As usual, garbage techno music was blaring at the volume of a Boeing 747 having an orgasm. Nico and Pedro quickly recognised them, and stopped the music.
''Yo yo, my blue dawgz, how ya doing bro?'', they said.
''Uhmmm…We're birds, not dogs, but we are blue. Anyways we are doing good! How about you?'', Blu replied.
''I been doin' good homie, so you and hot wing together or somethin'?'', Nico asked.
''Yeah we are,'', Blu answered.
''You banged her yet?'', Pedro asked. Blu blushed, despite it being biologically impossible.
''No…Not yet.'', Blu answered.
''…Yet…'', Nico cheekily replied.
''We should change that...'', Jewel seductively said. Blu paid no attention to her comment.
''You bitches turn the music back on!'', a voice cried out.
''Yo dawg shut the fuck up, or else I'll pop a cap in yo ass, nigga!'', Nico cried out in anger.
''Yo dat sounds hot! But can you get a hot chick to do it or somethin'?'', the guy cried out.
''No bro, I'll do it myself, bitch!'', Nico responded.
''That's gay!'', he responded. The two bickered for a bit, until Blu intervened.
''Ummm. Can we just have some music, please?'',
''Sure thing homie.'', Nico replied.
The terrible techno music came back on for a bit, until the two decided to play their hit song, selling a whopping 4 singles. The one and only, triple platinum 'Hot Wings [I wanna party]'.
They sung the song, and Blu and Jewel danced just like the first time. The author won't write it because 'copyright', but we all know he is just a lazy asshole. I'm self aware therefore you can't criticise me.
The song finished, and cheered. Blu and Jewel kissed, which grabbed the attention of many men and lesbians alike,
''Ooooohh!'', the crowd cheered.
The two, after some more dancing, decided to head home. Blu made sure they didn't leave their drinks unattended…Because you wouldn't want anyone stealing them…Anyways they reached their hollow.
''That was fun night! Lets make it even funner!'', Jewel said with a wink.
''Funner isn't a word…'', Blu responded. Jewel promptly pulled a dictionary out (don't ask)
''Here,'', she said pointing to it, ''Funner IS a word.''
''Where did you get that from?'', Blu asked.
''The library.'', she responded.
The two macaws went to sleep. Little did Blu know, that tomorrow would be a life changing day.
That wraps up chapter one of this dumpster fire.
I decided to give Nico and Pedro the most stereotypical ghetto dialogue, because I think its funny. Shut up. I will post chapter two right after this chapter. I.E I will write chapter 2 before I publish this one. I won't write that quickly for the other chapters.
Thanks to OrangeMacawWorld, for giving me the idea to write a satirical story, and for giving me ideas for this.
Until next time, goodbye.