Windows of the Soul


Through the bright, sapphire blue eyes of Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce was far cry from his outside demeanor. The outside showed determination to make it through another day and to return home to his beloved Crabapple Cove where blood does not possess his every moment and where the creeks are ready for fishing. No life of death responsibilities. The outside is always scheming for a way out, while the inside is more terrified to admit. The inside desperately pleads for some sort of end. It is ironic that the inside will eventually get its wish in an unexpected way.

The inside longs for nothing more than to escape, just like the outside determination except in a sadder way. Inside the iris lies the exhaustion, the depression, the defeated anger, and the possibility that Hawkeye Pierce will not make it home alive. Outside the iris shows this fear as well, but it is the inside that amplifies this fear and does all it can to hide it away. The people of the 4077th look up to the Captain and as a comic relief. He cannot let that façade down, let alone the guard. If the guard goes down, the man will shatter.

The sapphire eyes on the outside are to charm, wit, daze and dream in the cheerful of ways. They are the key to keeping the morale up of not just himself, but also of the others around him. The outside can deceive as it hides the true fear and feelings of the soul that lies within. They are a charade and when the reaction of the people hits us, it schemes for its next trick. Sometimes, someone will try to reach the inside, but nothing can fool those bright blues eyes. It is always ahead of the game and knows what hand to play next.

So when Captain Pierce was taken away under the care of Doctor Sidney Freedman after the scene he witness on the bus, the sapphire blue eyes was relieved. Relieved… and defeated because all of the work he had done to keep it together, finally got to him in the worst way possible. It was the only time where it did not have the next move. The United States Army had its last laugh, instead. For the last three years, it was waiting silently in the shadows for the perfect revenge tactic against the good doctor. The years of ridicule and the Army knew exactly what it was doing. It was just waiting for the perfect opportunity. Naturally, that opportunity would be at the end of the war.

Standing in front of a mirror, he took a moment and reflected. It has been quite some time since he faced a mirror so closely. His hand reached to the mirror, touching the cool glass which seemed foreign to his fingertips and after the confirmation that it was him, he just… stared. When did his hair begin showing specks of white? Or when did those blue eyes lose their spark? Has he always looked so drained and tired? Or did the Army continue its sick prank? Captain Pierce did not know and that thought terrified him. How can one look in a mirror while barely recognizing what looked back at him?

Tears streamed down his face, making those blue eyes sparkle again for a shear moment. The charade was truly up. He was defeated. The moment he stepped into Korea, his fate was sealed and every moment led him to the doomed bus ride. The Captain can switch his scenarios around but it would all lead up to this fateful night. His heart is too good, and in a time of war, who would deny a bit of rest at a beach? Even his soul could not deny that opportunity. Some crazy person would deny that opportunity and the one thing that Captain Pierce was not was crazy. Was. Such a powerful word, and a gateway to what will never be again.

I was in Korea.

I was a surgeon. A damn good surgeon.

I was normal.

With the last laugh being on him, Captain Pierce will now need to adjust to a "new" normal. The outside will have to reevaluate every situation and find the perfect solution to get through the remaining days of his life. What had worked before will never work again. New plans, new outlook, new… everything. The inside, with some sort of voice now, will have to be prepared to cope for the new challenges that will evidently come his way. It will not be easy. Then again, nothing is ever easy. Especially for Benjamin Franklin Pierce. But, there is a hope. In darkness he has hope. The inside and outside of his soul know this and together, will take that step.

There is no other choice.