*Disclaimer: I own nothing of Gainax, Khara, or Miramax.*

An Angel alert had sent the citizens of Tokyo-3 scrambling to shelters, while also sending the three teenage Evangelion pilots to NERV HQ. Soon enough, all three were suited up and in their colossal bio-mechas, ready to face off with the latest threat.

Asuka [giddy with anticipation, cracking her knuckles]: "Oh yeah. You're MINE, arschloch..."

All of a sudden, a phone rang within her entry plug. Startled at first, Asuka answered it.

Asuka [frustrated]: "WHAT?!..." [Her expression changed as she heard who it was, causing her to lose her ill temperament.] "Oh. Um, sorry about that...You want me to WHAT?!...But I'm going to fight an Angel!...But it's my day off!...*SIGH* Fine, I'll be there..."

Asuka then hung up, and let out another exasperated sigh.

Author0fintent Presents:

Neon Genesis Clerk-vangelion

Asuka was behind the register at the convenience store, while Rei (who also worked part-time, at the video game shop next door) leaned on the counter as she thumbed through a magazine. Contrary to her usual self, there was actually some semblance of range in her emotions and tone of voice (along with the presence of contractions in her sentences) while she and Asuka carried on their conversation.

Rei: "The evidence is all right there-Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction take place in the same universe."

Asuka [skeptical and somewhat bored]: "How, exactly?"

Rei: "The key's in two characters, one from each movie, who happen to share a last name, choice of attire, unsavory 'profession', and Los Angeles as a home. Vic and Vincent Vega are clearly brothers, or at least family in some manner."

Asuka: "Huh, always heard it was just things like Big Kahuna Burger or Red Apple Cigarettes popping up in his movies only as 'fun little Easter eggs'."

Rei: "Eh, whatever-it's just the writers not taking advantage of a golden opportunity. Though that doesn't mean all of his movies should be connected. Never really liked True Romance-then again, never really thought Gary Oldman was great. Fan of vampire movies that I am, his take on Dracula really didn't swerve right with me. Sometimes he can be a real s-"

Asuka: "Hey, can you NOT swear in front of the customers?"

Rei [teasing]: "'Pot calling the kettle black' now, are we?"

Asuka: "Touche."

Asuka then turned to address the customer that'd just walked up to the counter, placing his purchases in front of her. For some reason, he looked a bit familiar, like some famous anime creator. The two briefly chatted as she scanned his items while he paid.

Customer: "Huh, shouldn't you two be out fighting big monsters in giant robots or something right now?"

Asuka [cynically]: "Unfortunately, 'fighting big monsters in giant robots', as you put it, doesn't really translate into usable life skills."

Customer: "You could also debate psychology and philosophy in your off-hours. Probably beats working in this place."

Rei [mildly offended]: "Look buddy, us pilots actually have to balance two jobs, schooling, our own personal problems, AND saving the world every day. Not exactly a stable situation, as you'd gather. And we can't really help it-it's not like 'ace mecha pilot' is a real attention-grabber on a resume."

Asuka: "HEY!"

Rei [under her breath]: "(Not to mention this city's weird lack of mental health professionals, for some reason.)"

Customer: "Yeah, probably makes connecting with people difficult. 'Hedgehog's Dilemma' and all tha-[Rei tossed an unopened noodle cup at his head.] OW!" [Customer, rubbing his head, gets his bag and leaves.] "Never coming here again..."

Asuka [mildly glaring at Rei]: "Man, Wundergirl, what'd you do that for?"

Rei: "Odd way to thank me for standing up for you. And don't get me started on that whole 'Hedgehog's Dilemma' crapola. (Always makes me wanna roll my eyes.) I mean really, Asuka, it wouldn't hurt you to tear into a customer now and then-you already do a good job on Shinji and the boys all the time."

At that moment, the little bell over the door rang as it opened. In walked Kaworu Nagisa-aka Tabris-and a surprisingly smaller Zeruel, who was oddly enough wearing a long black coat and a backwards ballcap. Even more surprising was that Kaworu wasn't exactly in-character. He seemed a bit more...crass and sarcastic than usual.

Kaworu: "Yo yo! What up, puny Lilim! My boy Z-rell has a hankering for the freshest Twinkies you got, so bring 'em on out, or get sliced to ribbons-and that's way beyond getting f***ed up."

Zeruel, for the most part, said nothing. The 14th Angel had a very vacant look on its face.

Asuka [face-palming]: "*UGH* Geezus, how many times do I have to tell you guys, STOP LOITERING AROUND HERE. You want a Twinkie? Pay for it like everybody else."

Kaworu [dismissive]: "Ah, screw you! C'mon, Z, let's go f*** around with the MAGI. These guys are so tsundere, it's frickin' lame. Later, youse tsunnies!"

With that, the two left the store.

Asuka [rolling her eyes]: "*SIGH* I am NOT a tsundere."

Rei: "I dunno, girl, the douche-y bishie's got something of a point. Other than Mr. Kaji, you really haven't been that friendly to most of the other guys in our lives."

Asuka [denial in her voice]: "I'll have you know I've been nice to plenty of other guys."

Rei: "Oh, really? Since we've already covered 'The Three Stooges', how about those two boys that hang out with Kirishima...What were their names?...Oh yeah, Musashi and Keita. You on good terms with them? What about the bridge techs?"

Asuka [searching for an answer]: "Uuuhhh...Well, there was the guy that Hikari set me up with that one time..."

Rei: "You mean the one you ditched halfway into your date because he was boring?"

Asuka [sheepish]: "Ummm..." [She shook her head to reassert herself.] "Why do you care, anyway? It's not like you've ever gone out with anyone. Moes tend to be a niche, from my understanding."

Rei: "Oh, there you go, pick on the girl with the niche archetype-I don't pick on you just 'cause you're a tsundere."

Asuka [in denial]: "I am NOT a tsundere."

Rei [relaxed as she continues thumbing through her magazine]: "Hey, chill out, just messin' with you. That's the problem with you-half the time your thumb's on your 'berserk button' the moment someone gets to you, except for when you're here. Like I said before, it wouldn't hurt for you to tear into the customers every so often. Besides, I'm sure there are some customers that get on your nerves."

Asuka [hesitantly]: "...Not really."

Rei [teasing]: "Whoops, you hesitated there for a bit. Come on, out with it. Who can't you stand?"

Asuka: "Well...all right, you got me, I can think of some that do bug me now and then."

Rei: "Like who?"

Asuka: "Like the danderes, for example."

Rei: "The who?"

Asuka: "Danderes. You know-the quiet, shy types that only show off their cute sides whenever they're with their crush."

At that moment, one Hinata Hyuga walked up to the counter.

Hinata: "Um, excuse me, do you have the latest Rolling Stone?"

Asuka: "Second shelf on the rack, on your right." [She turned back to Rei as Hinata headed over there.] "And then there's the genki's, the closest thing to a 'manic pixie dream girl' on this side of the world."

Radical Edward, in that instance, then stepped up to the counter.

RE: "Big Slurpee, plenty of syrup!"

Asuka [giving an up-and-down once-over of Ed]: "Sorry, kid-'no shoes, no shirt, no service'."

Ed, at that point, merely grinned, and started quickly running out of the store, but not before one of her gesticulating arms "accidentally" knocked over a small rack of bagged nuts and assorted snack mixes. Asuka gave herself a face-palm, wishing she'd known it was coming.

Rei: "Hang on. You hear that?"

Asuka listened closely, and realized it was the sound of the Angel alarms coming on.

Asuka: "Scheisse! There's an Angel coming, and I have to close up!"

Rei [teasing, putting the magazine down]: "Oh, well. Looks like I'll handle this one."

Asuka [regretfully]: "Why'd I have to take this shift...?"

Meanwhile, outside the store and around the corner, Kaworu hit the 'play' button on a boombox. The cassette tape playing was some oddball Rhino release titled Rerun Rock, and the opening track was a very hip-hop take on "(The Ballad of) Giligan's Island".

Giligan! (Yeah!)

Giligan! (Yeah!)

G-G-G-G-Giligan (YEAH!)

Kaworu immediately got to break-dancing (a strange form of it, at least), and just as the lyrics really began, Zeruel joined in.

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip (UH-HUH!)

That started on down, in this funky lil' town, aboard this tiny ship (HOMEBOY!)

The mate was a mighty sailing man, the skipper brave and sure

Five suckas did pay, set sail that day, on a three-hour tour (SAY WHAT?)

A three-hour tour...(T-T-T-T-TOUR-OUR-OUR)


**Author's Note(s)**

I wanted to do a proper Clerks parody with Asuka and Rei in a bit of 'role-reversal' as it were, but then realized I couldn't fully riff on Kevin Smith. So I decided to do a parody of a parody, in this case "Heroes", a Flash animation short that you can still find on YouTube. It's basically a Marvel-themed parody (complete with a riff on the theme song to the short-lived Clerks: The Animated Series), with Captain America in the Dante role, Daredevil filling in for Randall, and the Silver Surfer and Galactus standing in for Jay and Silent Bob. I made my tweaks and adjustments here and there, and swapped out the use of "Run's House" at the end of the short with something just random and weird. Rerun Rock actually does exist-the whole gimmick is a group of studio musicians singing different classic TV themes in the styles of other singers or bands, like Yogi Bear if done by the Cars or Frank Sinatra doing The Addams Family. (My personal favorite has to be The Brady Bunch a la James Brown.)

Snoochie boochies!