I Own Nothing
AN: Okay this is the second new complete story that I have written since March 2020. I got the idea after finally seeing Episode 5 of season 5 where Brian gets Syphilis. I hate that episode so much for the way Brian acted. This idea was extended to a video on YouTube that a friend sent me called Bri Pregnant where it seems that Brian's pregnant. I did a spin with Justin instead and some things that tied into season 5 with Brian constantly saying he didn't want kids or family.
Summary: Brian has to fix another one of his stupid mistakes before he loses not only Justin, but someone that he hasn't even seen yet.
Title: If It's With You, I Want It
"Come on Brian, its not going to hurt you to hold her for like a minute." Daphne said. She knew she was playing with fire, but she needed to see if Justin had been right. She knew what her best friend had said, but Brian couldn't really not want a baby of their own. "What if Justin had her, would you really tell him to deal with it on his own? You know guys can get pregnant right?" She asked since it was something she'd learned at seventeen when her cousin had gotten pregnant.
Brian glared at Daphne moving away from the offering baby. "Daphne don't take this the wrong way, but no. Justin already knows I don't do kids especially babies so why are you hear trying to get me to watch one that's not Gus?" Brian asked wondering yet again why she had shown up with a baby in the first place.
He would do anything for his son and J.R. even if he hadn't let that on yet. It had nothing to do with who her parents were either, she was Gus' sister. Gus was his son and that would mean the world to him until the day came he died. Justin had his number on that one, but no one else put it together. Justin had tried days before to get him to help baby sit J.R. He had kept saying no at first, but Justin had shown up with J.R. and Gus both. It was the part of him that would do anything for Gus' sister that had him caving besides Gus being there. He had let Justin know that it wasn't going to be a new thing though.
"So if Justin ever got pregnant you'd tell him what, tough shit? Sorry the condom broke, but the baby's not mine? Would you really do that to Justin knowing he hasn't fucked anyone in weeks? After all you're the ass that went and got syphilis in the first place. I'm still pissed at you for blaming him for that too. What the hell were you even thinking? If you haven't fucking noticed Justin hasn't fucked any guys that you haven't approved of since he got back. He wouldn't fuck any other guys if you didn't want that to happen either. Hell he didn't fuck anyone in Hollywood either. He loves you, Brian, but I guess he'd really have to do it alone. I thought you were a better guy than that, except for the ass move you pulled with the STD I have always tried seeing both sides. This time I can't, he sure as hell won't be alone though; even if you don't give a damn about the baby." Daphne said before she left making sure the loft door slammed behind her.
She was too pissed off to stay or even realize what she'd actually said at the end. She had hoped that Brian would just accept that Justin wanted to have kids before it got out he was pregnant. She'd even borrowed her cousin to try and see how Brian would do with a baby full time. She wanted to ease Justin's mind when he got home that Brian would be okay with a baby of their own. She would make damn sure Justin wasn't alone though it was what best friends did for each other. She left the building hoping maybe before Justin did have the baby Brian would change his mind.
~BJ JB BJ JB~
The sound of the loft door opening and closing was what finally snapped Brian out of his shock. He wasn't even sure if he'd heard Daphne right because she'd made no sense. She had shown up with her cousin telling him she needed him to watch the little girl for an hour. Justin was doing something and she didn't trust anyone else. He'd actually laughed, but then she'd started going on about Justin wanting kids. He'd thought that had stopped, but what had thrown him was when she said the last part.
Why the hell had she said that about Justin being alone? He had been going over every thing she had said and it only came back to one thing; a baby. Two things actually since she mentioned Justin and baby in the same mouth full. Then there had been the question of did he know guys could get pregnant? That was probably the moment it had not only registered, but some other things had clicked too.
Justin had been different for about a week now and until it was night he hadn't even been showing up at the loft. He'd go to the bathroom and bed not in the mood. Hell he hadn't even wanted to be touched in three days now. He'd tried more than once and he hated spooning or the term, but knew they always ended up doing that at night. Justin had flinched away and when he'd tried to kiss him he'd turned his head. He thought Justin was still pissed about the syphilis even if it had been two weeks. He'd seen the page of the newest Rage comic days ago so he knew Justin was more than pissed at him. When he got upset Justin would put his emotions into the comic if they didn't work them out.
Brian didn't know how long he'd been standing there or if it had been Daphne that shut the door until he saw Justin. He took a second to look at the clock realizing he had to of been standing there for a while. He wasn't standing though, he'd found a seat not realizing it. It wasn't even daylight anymore so he definitely had been there in his own thoughts for a while. The same thought over and over, what baby? Justin didn't even look at him or acknowledged him being there Brian noticed. He figured Daphne probably said something by now if they'd done it to test him. He'd failed miserably, but he didn't know if it was already happening or if Daphne had done it to give Justin some kind of hope for the future.
He made his legs work going towards the bedroom finding Justin going through the drawer. He wasn't sure if he was searching for something or what until he saw the duffel on the bed. The only thing he could see in his head was the times before that Justin left. He couldn't take Justin leaving again. He hadn't thought he was coming back from L.A. and it had sucked like hell. He had been miserable when he'd pushed Justin away during the Ian disaster. He should have done something to stop him. He'd only wanted to hear the words I love you, words he choked on. He'd said them to Justin every fucking night when he'd been in the coma. He'd said them on the other side of a door that Justin couldn't even tell he was on. He'd said them while Justin had slept beside him, some times in his head, some times out loud. Justin never heard them though because he was a fucking coward.
"I love you, I love you, Justin. I love you so much that I put up this front because I'm terrified that I'm going to lose you. I'll finally do something that will make you leave and you want ever want me again. I love you and there's a box of fucking letters in my office desk for every day you were gone. I never mailed them, but I put the stamp on them, the address. Every one has I love you at the bottom. I never meant to blame you, I lashed out because I was mad at myself for what happened. Trust me I know what I could have done by giving it to you. I love you, please don't go. If it's with you I want it, you haven't been with anyone but me in two weeks, three maybe." Brian said letting it all coming flying out because he couldn't let Justin walk out the door.
Justin hadn't moved since he'd heard Brian say he loved him. He'd heard what Brian said, but he couldn't turn around to look at him. He didn't think his legs would actually go if he moved. He'd wanted to hear those words for so long. He had been waiting for four years to know what Brian felt in words instead of just actions. He had been trying for the last week to think of a way to stay. He didn't want to leave, but he knew how Brian felt about another child. He'd finally wrote it out planning on leaving the letter for Brian.
He'd only be told that he trapped him if he said he was pregnant now he figured. He had tried the day he found out to have a reasonable conversation about the future thought of a child of theirs. Brian had shot him down the second he said he'd love to have a baby. It hadn't even been anything to say after that, what part of no don't you get had been Brian's last words on that subject that day. It was when he'd lost any hope of staying so they could be a family. A part of him had felt like it actually died in that moment and it was the last time he'd accepted Brian's touch. He missed it so much, but he wasn't wanted if their baby wasn't wanted in his mind. He'd felt sick knowing that he'd never get that happy ever after he dreamed of so badly with Brian.
"Justin." Brian said moving so he was looking at Justin face to face. "Please, don't go."
He had screwed up worse now than he had when he wouldn't say I love you. He'd remembered what he said to Justin about them having a child. It was just as bad as when he'd accused Justin of giving him the Syphilis. The last thing he'd said that day about a baby was bad enough, but what he'd started with was worse. He'd named all the things that it meant. He refused to be tied down with a child to take care of and some married life. He'd been horrible that day and he didn't blame Justin for right now. He got why Justin hadn't wanted him to touch him now, he might as well said he hated him that day. He couldn't even think what Justin had been thinking since then. He had said he hated the baby without even knowing. He hated his self right now seeing the look in Justin's eyes. It was like his soul was crushed.
"Why? You already said you don't want another child. The only thing I'd be doing is trapping you with us. You're Peter Pan remember, he never grows up. I've loved you since the night you made love to me for the first time, you still say we fucked. All I ever wanted was you to realize how great we are and that we could make a family. I came back home for you, at least I'll have one Kinney that won't hesitate to say they love me until I'm leaving them." Justin said even though it killed him to do it.
He wanted to feel Brian's arms around him, but he didn't know if he could stop sleeping with other men. He couldn't do that to their child, have strangers coming home or even going out to fuck around. He'd stopped even before he found out he was pregnant. He grabbed the duffel figuring he could get his mom to get the other stuff. He had some clothes for a few days, but he'd rather be here. He heard Brian calling out his name, but he kept going. He had to get out before he broke completely. He was exhausted from the hours he'd spent hiding from Brian trying to figure out what to do. He'd spent more time crying in the last week than he thought he had in his life. What were you supposed to do when the person you loved didn't want to even consider having a family with you?
The only problem with trying to get out in a hurry was the damn door. It had been sticking for a couple of days now. Brian had said something about picking up some oil, but he'd thought he meant for something else. Justin tried yanking the thing back, but it wasn't budging. He had to get out without looking back at Brian. He'd be hated for destroying what Brian loved so much if he didn't go; his freedom. All he'd heard since he got back and fell in love with J.R. was how horrible that kind of life was. He watched three of his friends fight over a little girl who was wonderful. He couldn't take it if Brian ever looked at him with hate because he forced a child he didn't want on him. The door just wasn't letting him leave and he heard Brian's voice behind him.
"I'd rather they have both our names, Taylor-Kinney. I haven't once thought you trapped me in this Justin. Since the second I realized what Daphne meant, I haven't felt trapped. I fell like hell because you tried telling me and I acted like a fucking bastard. I don't want to be him anymore, I don't want to be without you Justin. I don't care if that means giving up fucking other guys because I can't survive if you left again." Brian said not hiding his own emotions at the moment because he had to convince Justin to stay.
"How long have we been together?" Justin asked giving up on the door. He turned around facing Brian. "How long have we been a couple?" Brian never got it right, but Justin needed to know the answer this time.
"Four years, since the night I brought you back here and took you to see Gus. I let you hold him even before Michael got to. I got high as a kite and did a lot of shit before I made love to you in our bed. I love you, you're my prince, and I want our child." Brian said taking the chance reaching out to Justin pulling him towards him.
It felt like a weight was gone hearing Brian say four years instead of his usual of a month or two. Justin didn't hesitate when Brian pulled him in for a hug either. He had wanted to be held for weeks now, but had resisted. He breathed Brian's scent in feeling like he was finally safe even if that was stupid.
"I love you too, you've always been my knight." Justin said holding onto Brian like his life was depending on it. He was sure that his sanity had been until he heard Brian's answer.
Brian moved back slightly, but he didn't let go of Justin. He tilted his chin up looking into those blue eyes he loved. He wiped away the tears that he'd caused for being so stupid. Justin was his world and he'd been an idiot again almost losing him. He took the duffel tossing it away from them figuring that they could put the stuff back later. He closed the distance between them kissing Justin putting what he felt into the kiss.
The kiss never turned heated like theirs usually did. He wasn't looking to take Justin back to the bed and fuck him. He just wanted him to know that he loved him with more than words. When they needed air Brian pulled back resting his head against Justin's. He had come close to not only losing Justin, but what he thought he'd never want, what he said he didn't want; their child. He wasn't going to ever let either think they were unwanted or unloved again.
"Can we go back in there and lay down? I just want to hold you, I've missed being able to touch you." Brian asked. "I miss waking up next to you since you're always gone before I even wake up."
"It wasn't long before you woke up; ten minutes at the most. You always found me even if I'd tried putting space between us. I woke up to your arms around me and stayed until ten minutes before the alarm went off. I watched you sleep wishing one morning I'd wake up and you'd be another you, the you I knew was buried inside somewhere that you could be." Justin said before he agreed to the laying down. He was exhausted and hadn't slept much in the last two nights. "This you." He added when they finally got to the bedroom.
Brian knew they were only going to lay down, but he stripped Justin and his self down. He wanted to hold him and be able to be skin to skin. Justin had stopped coming to bed without clothes. He'd been wearing extra layers he could swear or sweat clothes that barely had any skin for him to be able to touch. He laid on his back letting Justin curl into his side so that Justin's head was resting on his chest. He'd pulled the covers up over top of them before placing a kiss against where he knew Justin's scar was at.
"I love you both. Go to sleep and we can talk when we both aren't exhausted." Brian said moving his hand over Justin's back and side.
"We love you too." Justin said in a sleepy voice drifting off holding Brian and for once since he found out about the baby he didn't feel like his world had ended.