a/n: So this is a completely non-serious story inspired by the Hawkmoth's Rap that recently got released.
Fair warning: the song is ridiculous. The concept that Gabriel Agreste would write/sing it himself is pretty ridiculous. Therefore, it should probably not come as a huge surprise that this is borderline crack in parts.
Adrien tried not to sigh as the Gorilla pulled into the garage. His friends were planning on getting together that afternoon, and once again, he wasn't going to be joining them. It was a common occurrence, really, but this time it was entirely self-imposed.
Photoshoots and too many akuma attacks had meant that Adrien had fallen really far behind on his homework and general studying, and it was pretty stressful to not be completely on top of things. So he had made the decision to not go out this time, and hopefully he would be able to get caught up and not have to stay up past midnight to get things done this time. He had had to do it every single night now for several weeks running, and, well, he was getting worn down.
That didn't mean that he liked missing the get-together, though. Especially since he had gotten permission to go out with his friends this time around, back before he got so overwhelmed and exhausted.
Adrien hopped out of the car once it had stopped, doing his best not to slam the door when he closed it. His father had complained recently about how much noise people were making in the mansion- doors slamming, doors creaking and squeaking, footsteps echoing too loud in the atrium- and Adrien had done his best ever since to not make noise. The Gorilla spent pretty much an entire day oiling and re-hanging doors so that they would be absolutely silent when they opened, not that they had been very loud in the first place. As always, Gabriel Agreste was just being overly picky and dramatic.
Carefully- so that his father wouldn't scold him for running around and making noise- Adrien headed up the stairs. The Gorilla closed the garage door- and honestly, that was the biggest improvement of all the doors, Adrien hadn't even known that it was possible for a garage door to be so absolutely silent- and followed him up. Adrien reached the top and pushed the door partway open. Then he paused.
Because instead of a completely silent mansion, or the muted conversation of a conference call, there was music.
Puzzled, Adrien glanced backwards at the Gorilla. His bodyguard looked just as confused. He placed one hand on the door, keeping it open just that little bit, and gestured for Adrien to keep quiet. Adrien nodded- he was curious about what was going on, and if he made noise, then his father would turn off the music and probably be ticked off at Adrien for not keeping Nathalie entirely up to date on what he was doing and at the Gorilla for- well, Adrien wasn't sure what, but when his father got seen doing something that he didn't want people to know about, he got super ticked off instead of just making up some excuse.
Seriously, though, what was this music? Was his father listening to different music to set to one of his runways or something? Normally- when he was doing proper runways, at Fashion Week instead of just small brand runways to feature Adrien in a low-pressure (well, lower pressure) setting- his music was entirely classical. It fit with the formality of the brand, even if it wasn't exactly what made people sit up and listen.
Maybe Nino's music had inspired his father! This sort of music and beat was something that Adrien would associate far more with his friend than his father.
"Aha! I've got it!" Mr. Agreste suddenly exclaimed, loud enough that Adrien startled. "Nathalie, how is this for the chorus- I will win, and I will rise- all of Paris, akumatized. No more secrets, no more lies. Soon their Miraculous will be mine!"
Adrien's brain screeched to a halt, abruptly more alert. Soon their Miraculous will be mine? All of Paris, akumatized? That- that didn't sound good. But- but his father couldn't be Hawkmoth, that wasn't possible. Maybe he was just doing a Miraculous-themed runway walk and there was a Hawkmoth section.
Nathalie's exasperated sigh cut through Adrien's thoughts. "Sir, are you still working on that song? I don't understand the point. I mean, sure, it's catchy, but don't you have work to do?"
"Perhaps it doesn't seem productive to you, Nathalie, but music is good for lifting spirits. It's sure to be a morale-booster." The background music stopped, cut off mid-song. "And we need it, after the bumps we've run into recently."
"A morale- sir," Nathalie sighed, sounding thoroughly exasperated. "Is a morale-booster worth the time? Or, if you disregard the time- if you consider the chances of someone overhearing you..."
"The chances, which are zero to none. I'm far too careful for that to happen. Now, how about this section-"
Adrien swallowed hard, glancing back towards the Gorilla. They exchanged a look as Mr. Agreste started rapping- rapping!- about a cane and wearing a mask and turning the city evil, and then the Gorilla nodded down the stairs.
The message was clear: we have to get out. Now.
Adrien nodded, stepping backwards carefully. He couldn't make any noise, because if they were heard, if they were seen and his father and Nathalie found out that Adrien and the Gorilla knew...
Well, it wouldn't be good, that was for sure.
"A troubled soul cries- time to akumatize! Fly my faithful servant- dark wing, rise! This rotten cat, that pesky girl-"
The door finally shut, cutting off Mr. Agreste's voice.
The Gorilla herded Adrien down the steps, steering him around the side of the house so that they wouldn't be visible from the office. Once they were in back, the Gorilla tapped on a certain brick, sticking a key into the lock that appeared after a moment. A hidden door swung open, and the Gorilla ushered him through.
"Aren't you coming?" Adrien asked when his bodyguard didn't step through after him.
The Gorilla shook his head. He held up his phone, open to a recording app. Adrien frowned, even more puzzled.
"I thought it was illegal to record people without them knowing?"
The Gorilla nodded, swiping to the side several times, then held up his phone again. Onscreen was a photo of Ladybug and Chat Noir. Adrien considered that, then perked up.
"Oh! So you can show the superheroes!" That was a good idea, actually. If he hadn't heard the song himself and someone came up to Chat Noir and announced that he had figured out who Hawkmoth was because he was singing about it, he would probably think that they were crazy. "Be careful."
The Gorilla nodded, waiting for Adrien to step out of the way before shutting the door, sealing the wall again. There was the faint click of a lock snapping back into place, and then almost-silent footsteps on the other side of the wall. Adrien listened to them fade, his heart in his throat. He knew that his bodyguard was careful and had plenty of experience with being silent and going unnoticed, and he knew where all of the security cameras were, but that didn't make it completely safe.
"Kid, he'll be fine," Plagg said, popping out of Adrien's collar. His voice was uncharacteristically serious. "Seriously. Find somewhere safe to go. Then we'll find Ladybug later."
"Yeah." Adrien sighed, shifting the strap of his bag on his shoulder and starting up the street. "So much for catching up on homework. I'm not going to get anything done now."
The Gorilla managed to snag an amazingly clear audio recording of Mr. Agreste's entire villain song within an hour's time. Ladybug and Chat Noir listened to the recording from the privacy of a study room at the back of the Dupont library, with the Gorilla hovering anxiously over their shoulders.
"Well, you can't deny that that's a banger of a song," Ladybug commented once the recording came to an end. She looked a little thrown off, though Chat Noir could tell that she was far more rattled than she was letting on. "Seriously, why is he a fashion designer if he can just come up with songs like that out of nowhere?"
"Bug, focus," Chat Noir reminded her. "I think there's, uh, more important things to think about than Hawkmoth's song-writing skills."
"I know, I'm just...processing." Ladybug worried her lip, considering the recorder. "Okay, so, uh, we know who Hawkmoth is. And we know who he is because he decided to compose a villain song. A villain song that seems to have a fair bit of work put into composing it. Uh."
The superheroes paused. Ladybug reached out and tapped the play button again. Chat Noir snorted.
"D'you think you're going to get more clues the second time through?"
Ladybug looked slightly abashed. "No, I was just curious- do you think those laughs are his own? Because that is over the top. And I want to say that I can't picture Mr. Agreste doing that, but..."
Chat Noir and the Gorilla shrugged in unison. As stoic as Mr. Agreste acted in front of others, he could be a complete drama queen when he wanted to be.
"Okay, so, what to do next." Ladybug tapped the table once the song came to an end (again), clearly making an effort to pull herself back and be serious, despite how ridiculous the song was. And, frankly, how ridiculous the entire situation was. "Take the Miraculous back, obviously, but we'll need backup."
The Gorilla grunted, getting their attention, then raised his hand. Chat Noir blinked, then grinned.
"You're willing to help us?"
The Gorilla nodded, gesturing again. He motioned like there was a smaller figure next to him, then made a very recognizable protect gesture. Ladybug tilted her head to the side, clearly puzzled, but Chat Noir caught on right away.
"Because you want to help Adrien," Chat Noir filled in for Ladybug's benefit, and his bodyguard nodded. "It's good that he'll still have an adult to care for him."
"Yeah," Ladybug agreed. "Okay, I'm gonna go get more Miraculous. I'll be right back!"
With that, she slipped soundlessly out of the room, leaving Chat Noir alone with his bodyguard and his thoughts. Oddly enough, he didn't feel nearly as conflicted and off-kilter as he would have expected. Like, sure, his father was Hawkmoth- and Nathalie was almost 100% guaranteed to be Mayura- but at least he had the Gorilla still. Add in the fact that the Gorilla was bound to be more flexible and less restricting than Mr. Agreste when it came to Adrien (and also more caring about Adrien's emotions and friends and general well-being), and, well, there was a lot to look forward to post-Hawkmoth defeat. Maybe he would feel differently later, when his father was sitting in the police car and heading to jail, but for now all his brain could focus on was how absolutely crazy this whole situation was.
Maybe it was the lack of sleep getting to him. Honestly, this whole thing was starting to feel like some strange sort of sleep-deprived hallucination.
Most of the time, Mr. Agreste seemed like one of the most straight-laced adults ever. Nino had called him 'the definition of a stick in the mud' more than once. He seemed hyper-competent as he directed an international fashion house, making sure that details were in place and that everything would run smoothly during shows and releases. Trying to combine the image of that man with the supervillain who sent out akuma after akuma with sometimes terribly-thought-through powers, who had managed to akumatize a huge portion of Paris once and had still failed to win, who had decided that it was a good idea to hand over the box of Miraculous to an akumatized Chloe instead of hanging on to them himself or at least supervising a whole lot more closely, who had managed to out himself because he wanted to have a villain song and hadn't been careful enough to notice that Adrien and the Gorilla had returned to the house...
Well, Hawkmoth wasn't the most competent villain in the world. Not that Ladybug and Chat Noir objected to that- not at all- but it was just a funny contrast to how his civilian self operated.
Perhaps that was because universities didn't exactly have classes for Supervillain Strategy like they did for Business Management, so Mr. Agreste had been forced to learn everything on his own.
It didn't take long at all for Ladybug to return, and when she did, she wasn't on her own. A towering man in green followed her into the room, the shell hanging on his back leaving no questions to what Miraculous he held. When he stopped, a small woman stepped out behind him. Her magenta suit was tiger-striped, and Chat Noir blinked.
Well. They hadn't seen the Tiger in play before. Why Ladybug had gone for that particular one, he wasn't sure, but he trusted that it would be apparent before long.
"These are Tanker and Shadow," Ladybug explained, stepping up to join Chat Noir. "I figured that more backup would be a good thing."
"Right," Chat Noir managed. "Uh... Shadow?"
"Because tigers wait in the shadows to strike," Shadow explained. "They seem to burst out of nowhere." She grimaced. "...and I kind of came up blank when I was trying to come up with a name."
"Ah, fair enough."
"I also brought the Ox Miraculous," Ladybug said, pulling a small box out of her yo-yo and sliding it across the table to the Gorilla. "The Miraculous of strength, though I don't think anyone besides Shadow will have to activate their powers. I can give you instructions on the way over, though, just in case."
"Wait, what powers does the Tiger grant?" Chat Noir asked, trying to wrack his brain for the answer. He was pretty sure that Ladybug had mentioned powers for some of the other kwamis at some point, but he had been really tired at the time and hadn't really remembered much. "Why would she have to use her power?"
Ladybug's grin widened. "The Tiger grants the power of invisibility. And we're going to sneak into the mansion and strike before they even see us coming."
Unsurprisingly, it was very easy to slip into the mansion with the help of both superpowers and the Gorilla's knowledge of secret entrances and areas without camera coverage. Their team of five slipped through a back delivery entrance and through the kitchens, doing their best to go unnoticed despite the presence of two very large men among them. Thankfully, there didn't seem to be any household staff members around- it was the chef's day off, and the cleaning staff wouldn't come around until the next day- and so the only thing that they really needed to worry about was keeping their footsteps light and soundless.
Oxen was very good at sneaking. Tanker... well, Tanker needed some work. Thankfully, the house wasn't completely quiet at the moment.
"Once I have their Miraculous, then I'll rule the world! I will win, and I will rise. All of Paris, Akumatized! No more-"
"Sir, if I have to hear that song one more time today, I will walk out and leave you to deal with the Bernardi contract on your own," Nathalie threatened, sounding completely exasperated. "Morale-booster or no, listening to you sing the same thing over and over and over is absolutely maddening."
"My apologies, Nathalie, I wasn't even consciously trying to sing it," Mr. Agreste said. There was the sound of shuffling paper, and then he continued. "It's a little too catchy, I'll admit that. It's gotten stuck in my head now."
"I honestly cannot tell if that is a genuine problem that you're dissatisfied with, or just a way to humble-brag about how well your song turned out." Nathalie sounded fully irritated now. "You know full well that if you keep absent-mindedly singing that song, someone is going to overhear. Adrien is bound to be back from his outing with his friends at some point, and the Gorilla could very well pop in whenever."
Mr. Agreste sighed. "It is, in all honestly, actually stuck in my head and it's a problem now. I hoped that singing it a time or two more might help with that. It's what I saw recommended on the Internet. But that's a fair point. Singing it down here might be more risky than I thought. Perhaps I'll go up to the lair and try there."
"Okay, we have to stop him before he gets out of the office," Ladybug hissed. "He must have a secret entrance in there somewhere. Shadow, are you ready?"
"As ready as I'll ever be." She squared her shoulders, gripping tight to her weapon. "All right- Camouflage!"
At once, Shadow vanished, melting away into the - well, into the shadows. There was no indication of where she was at all, and Ladybug gave her several seconds before starting to creep in the direction of the office as well. The other heroes followed, pausing by the cracked-open door and waiting to hear the sound of any unnatural disturbance.
"Frankly, sir, I feel like you'd just be wasting more time," Nathalie told Mr. Agreste. There was the sound of her chair sliding back from the desk, and her taking several steps towards the center of the room and Mr. Agreste. "You've sang that song far too many times, that's why it's gotten stuck. Try finding something else to listen to. Something that won't give away your identity, or mine."
Mr. Agreste sighed. "I suppose. Would you mind reaching out to both Adrien and the Gorilla to see when we can expect them back in the house? I don't want to be listening to the radio when they come back, they'll just question it."
"Sir, if I might remind you of the existence of headphones."
Ladybug hastily pressed a hand over her mouth to muffle her giggles. Tanker's eyebrows were creeping upwards.
"This is the guy who thinks that he can rule the world?"
Gabriel Agreste gave a loud sigh of exasperation. "Very well, fine- ack!"
There were two dual thuds, and the superheroes leapt into action. In a moment, they bounded around the doorframe and into the office, landing in the center of the room almost soundlessly. Without even planning it, Tanker and Oxen took the lead, landing right in front of the fallen supervillains just in time for them to sit up, still groaning and rubbing their heads. When their eyes landed on the towering superheroes, they froze and turned white.
"So," Chat Noir said cheerfully, stepping out from behind Oxen and spinning his tail in a jaunty circle. "How's that morale-booster working for you?"
With the help of the adult superheroes, their final battle wasn't really a fight at all. Tanker and Ox kept Nathalie and Mr. Agreste down while Ladybug and Chat Noir snagged the Miraculous off of Mr. Agreste and Nathalie. Then they were unceremoniously frog-marched out of the house and to the curb, where they waited for the police to show up while passerbys stared.
And to add insult to injury, both Ladybug and Tanker were absentmindedly (or perhaps not-so-absentmindedly) humming Hawkmoth's song as they waited. The result was both Mr. Agreste and Nathalie looking like they were close to exploding.
Upon second thought, the humming was probably entirely intentional. It was maybe a little petty, but considering the number of times that the two villains had interrupted their day and tried to kill them and generally been unpleasant...
Chat Noir joined in on the chorus. Oxen snorted. Shadow sighed. Ladybug ducked her head in a failed attempt to hide her grin.
"I'm not even going to ask," the first of the responding police officers said with a sigh when they pulled up. "Besides- Hawkmoth and Mayura, I'm presuming?"
"Correct," Shadow told her. She nodded towards Ladybug, who extended her hand. The Peacock and Butterfly sat in the middle of her palm, glinting in the sunlight. "And we've recovered their Miraculous."
"Fantastic! Oh, Paris will be happy to hear that there won't be any more akumas." Two more police officers came up, starting to handcuff the two former supervillains. "We'll take them off of your hands now. We'll let you know if we need anything else."
"Thanks!" Ladybug told them, smiling. The superheroes stepped back, the police took control of Mr. Agreste and Nathalie, and then they were bundled off into the back of the police cars and taken away. The superheroes watched them go, then retreated back into the house before any of the lingering bystanders could ask any questions.
"Will you need us to keep helping?" Shadow asked once they had gotten inside. "Because we can certainly stay and help, if needed. Otherwise..."
"Oh, you can get back to work," Ladybug said hastily. "I can come get the Miraculous later, I know where to find you. We'll just spend a bit of time looking for Miraculous-related stuff in the house so that nothing vanishes from under our noses."
Oxen grunted, raising a hand and then pointing towards the hidden hallway and gesturing towards Shadow and Tanker. I'll show them out the back way. Ladybug and Chat Noir nodded, and then their teammates were off.
"Would it be safe to assume, do you think, that all of the Miraculous stuff would be in the office?" Ladybug asked once their footsteps had faded away into nothing. She was already looking exhausted at the thought of spending the rest of their afternoon- no, sorry, their evening, it was definitely the evening already- combing the house for what was bound to be well-hidden
"I think the office is the best spot to start," Chat Noir agreed, muffling a sudden yawn. He had been feeling fine earlier, but now- well, all of the excitement of the day was catching up with him, and he was exhausted. All of the adrenaline from the discovery and the planning had been keeping him upright. He wasn't going to leave Ladybug to do all of the work on her own, though. "Dunno how we'll get the safes open, though, unless we detransform and have our kwamis do it."
Ladybug snapped her fingers, suddenly energized again. "Actually, if we could pull Nooroo out, he could probably tell us exactly where to look! He was with Mr. Agreste long enough, surely he knew all of his secrets. Give me a moment, I'll get him out."
Chat Noir blinked. Oh. That was a pretty obvious approach, actually.
"I hope he knows where all of the hiding places are, at least," Ladybug added as she glanced towards the windows, tucking the Peacock away and pinning the Butterfly to the front of her suit. "Otherwise, we're really going to be here all night and I'll never get my homework done."
"Oh, no kidding." Chat Noir yawned again, grimacing at the reminder of homework. If he had been behind before, that was nothing compared to now. Lost time aside, he was just too tired and strung-out to be able to do it now. His teachers would probably be ticked, unless... "Hey, d'you think that finding out that my father was Hawkmoth will be enough get me an extended deadline for my assignments?"
There was a pause. Ladybug blinked at him, and Chat Noir blinked back, puzzled at her reaction. Normally Ladybug gave him at least some sort of answer when he asked her questions, so what about this time was different? Chat Noir ran over his words in his head, trying to push past the exhaustion. He had just asked her if she thought that his teachers would give him an extension on his assignments because he had found out his father was Hawkmoth-
-his father was Hawkmoth-
a/n:...yup, not serious at all.
As with most of my stories, this is a one-shot and is therefore complete. And as always, reviews make my day!