A/N 1: I am so sorry I'm late! I swear this happens to me every time I get close to finishing a fic. My brain just kind of runs out.
As per usual, I want to thank everyone who has favorited, followed, or just read this story. Your support is a blessing.
Again, certain sections in this chapter come from the transcripts of several episodes – specifically "Rise" and "Dial M for Mayor." All credit goes to those who wrote those episodes.
This chapter is heavy on the dialogue, hopefully that doesn't bug people.
Thanks to the Dustjackets Wiki. Best transcripts out there!
I hope you enjoy this chapter.
The first thing Kate did after hanging up her jacket and stowing her gun was finally run a bath. Even though she was itching to call Castle and pick that file apart, she really did need a chance to relax. Being so uptight all the time was not good for her health. Both her heart doctor and Dr. Burke had told her, and she tried to make time to do things she enjoyed.
The problem was, she enjoyed her job, stress and all, and when she had a day off, she sometimes had to force herself to go out and do something fun. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy a good movie, or a long motorcycle ride, a trip to the museum, or even a short walk around the block, there just wasn't much that gave her the same satisfaction as solving a case and putting things right by the victim and their families.
That was her time to forget everything and get lost in a book – usually one of Castle's – or just daydreaming – usually about Castle. The first time she'd fantasized about him washing her back and then joining her in the tub was after the case with the frozen body. She'd been cold that entire case (it was a psychological thing, she thought) and Rick Castle was just what she wanted to warm her up.
Kate had jumped out of the tub so fast that it had taken her an hour to mop up all the water she spilled. What was she thinking? She hated the guy!
The same thing happened the next night – and the next. Eventually she just went with it. She would never let it happen in real life, so she might as well get some fun in dreamland even if she couldn't look Castle in the eye the first few times. She ignored the voice in her head whispering that she should let it happen in real life, that she should let him in – to her tub, to her bed, to her life.
That voice was getting louder. Or maybe she'd just begun to listen.
Then there was reading Nikki Heat while bathing. There was something so intimate about reading those books Rick had written about her. Kate never failed to sleep well after a bath with Castle's books.
And she needed to sleep. She wanted to know everything there was to know about this Smith character, and she didn't want to miss anything. She also had made an appointment with Dr. Burke in the morning. Kate wanted to run Castle's file by him. Not that she'd show it to him, even if she hadn't given it back to Rick – she had been shot over some of this information. Montgomery had been killed over some of this information – Kate did not want to put anyone else at risk, but she wanted to discuss the fact that the writer had the damned thing at all.
She'd already picked a fight with Castle about it when she really didn't want to, and she wanted to ask Burke how or if she could stop herself from doing it again. Castle butting into her mother's case was just so personal that even now she had to take a deep breath to calm herself. Maybe she could rant at the psychiatrist for awhile, get it out of her system.
Nevertheless, that was an issue for the morning. Now…
As the tub began to fill, Kate went out to the living room to find the book she wanted to read. Most of her books were kept on the staircase leading up to the small area of the roof she called her own, but there were a few that had pride of place in a small bookcase in her office area.
There it was, Heat Rises. It was her favorite, maybe because having something to look forward to it helped her through the healing process up at her dad's cabin. She had two copies of it, one that she'd pre-ordered as soon as it had become available, and one her dad had picked up on his way to visit her and bring groceries. She kept the pre-ordered copy under the bed in a box with a few other duplicates. It wasn't something she wanted to get rid of, but it was kind of weird to have two on the bookshelf, unless one was a paperback and the other hardback.
This book did bring back a few bad memories, of course, being that it focused on Captain Montgomery's doppelgänger Charles Montrose and his death – which brought flashbacks of the hangar when Roy was killed. But there was something about this story that just worked for her, and out of all of Castle's novels, Heat Rises was the one she reread the most often.
But even though it was her favorite, she didn't like to look at Castle's autograph inside. In the others, he'd written something witty or obnoxious – depending on what he thought would make her laugh more. But not Heat Rises. She understood why, he was angry about her not contacting him for 3 months. She was amazed he'd consented to sign the book at all.
Kate. I see you're back. Enjoy the book. Richard Castle.
Perfunctory and to the point. While she lingered over the other signatures, running her fingers over the slight indentations in the page, this one she skipped over. She didn't like to dwell on it once he'd returned to the precinct and their friendship grew. Of course, this was the one she memorized. She rolled her eyes at herself.
Kate suddenly remembered the bathtub, scrambling to the bathroom to turn off the faucet. She'd made it just in time – the water hadn't overflowed, but she had to reach in and pull the plug to drain some of it so she could get in and not make a mess.
Kate situated the book on the small table next to the bathtub and placed a hand towel next to it. She began undressing, debating on whether to get a glass of wine.
Yes, of course she wanted wine. It was a part of the ritual. And after a case, she always needed ritual.
As soon as she stepped in, took a sip and dried her hands, Kate opened the book to the dedication. It never failed to bring tears to her eyes.
'To Captain Roy Montgomery, NYPD. He took a stand and taught me all I need to know about bravery and character'
Kate had developed a somewhat grudging respect for Captain Gates, but she didn't believe they'd ever be as close as she was to her mentor, no matter his involvement in her mother's case.
Suddenly remembering Castle's multiple mentions of her reading this book, she decided to see if he had added more.
Underneath the original, he had. He had written this the night of their dinner. This time she did run her fingers over the words.
Kate. What a night, huh? Don't be too mad, but I swiped this and took it home so I could re-do the signature. Remember the key you loaned me after the sniper case on the condition I only use it if you were having a panic attack and called me?
"You did not, Castle," Kate spoke aloud. But of course he had, the book was here after all. The real reason she'd given him the key was because Dr. Burke had told her to. To have someone besides her father who would drop everything if she needed him. She'd had no intention of calling and had not done so. She'd actually forgotten she'd given it to him.
"Damn it, Castle," she spoke without venom. It was another thing to bring up when he brought the file back, but for some reason she wasn't really angry about this. She read on.
Anyway, obviously I never gave it back. I'd forgotten about it, until I noticed it on my key ring on my way over for our dinner. I used it later to bring the book back. I hope you don't hate me for this after everything, but I wanted to add to the autograph, make it a little – nicer maybe?
Kate, I love you. I'm still at a point where maybe I don't want to (so much for nicer…) but there it is. Even if we ultimately part, I will never get over you. I guess that means I want to try. I want to work it out.
PS: I hope I haven't ruined everything.
The postscript was written in a different colored ink, and Kate thought it may have been written after he'd remembered the hard drive – she recalled him saying he'd forgotten about it. He must have brought the book back to her apartment when he went to get everyone dinner while waiting for Colin to return from the airport.
Kate carefully placed the book back on the table and leaned back in the tub. She didn't know if they were ruined, she didn't think so, but if they were it wouldn't be because of his breaking in to return her book.
More to discuss with Dr. Burke in the morning. She closed her eyes and sank deeper into the bubbles.
Castle on the other hand, was nowhere near relaxed. Why hadn't Kate called? He knew she had to be finished at the precinct, how long did it take to pack up a solved case anyway?
Dumb question, Castle, you've helped enough to know it's not this long.
Did she take Colin out for a drink? That was possible, he thought, though Ryan and Esposito had left before he did, and it was usually the whole gang who went out to celebrate the end of a case.
Rick frowned. That meant it would have been the two of them. Why would she go out with Colin without him or the boys? Okay, he could understand why he wasn't invited, he hadn't been there for the entire case, but still… Jealousy reared. He thought they were working it out, he thought that after their talk something was still there. He thought…
Maybe you should stop thinking if all you've got is stupid stuff.
He switched on his computer, intending to write. Instead he spent the next half hour surfing the internet before turning it off in disgust at himself. He noticed the drive on his desk. Should he…?
No. They needed to look at it together. The last time he'd gone through what he had, nothing had jumped out at him. He felt like he would be rehashing the same old, same old. Kate would have new questions, maybe new insights. He had to wait.
Should he text her?
Would it interrupt her time with Colin?
Shut up, Castle. You know there's nothing to be jealous of.
His phone pinged.
Hey, Castle, sorry I'm only texting now instead of when I left work. I'm at home, I needed to relax a bit with a good book. You broke into my house? :(
The angry emoji was offset by a winking one. Rick smiled. At least she wasn't too upset by that. He'd return the key when he brought the file over
;) We'll be having a discussion about that when you come over.
Castle quickly began typing an answer.
When should I come? I can be there in 20 minutes.
He powered off his computer as he waited for Kate's answer.
Whoa, slow down there, Sparky!
Not tonight. Either tomorrow night or even the next day. I need to relax and in the morning I'm going…
Going where? he hastily typed back.
A full minute passed, and Rick was beginning to think she wouldn't answer him. He set the phone down and it pinged.
Physical? I thought you were finished with that.
I am. This is one of the department shrinks. I sort of never stopped going to see him after my psych eval.
Well, that was a bit of a bombshell. Badass Beckett seeing a psychiatrist?
Well, I guess that's out of the bag. I would have preferred to tell you about him in person, but oh well.
Is he helping you? Castle couldn't help but ask.
The reply was short. Rick hoped he hadn't overstepped, but then another text came through.
Sorry. Can we make it the day after tomorrow? I like to process things after I see Dr. Burke.
What about work?
I'm off the next three days – not on call. As per Captain Gates. We'll have time to talk. Right now I'm heading to bed, I'm beat. Good night, Castle.
Until the day after tomorrow, Kate.
Kate walked into Dr. Burke's waiting room bright and early, holding a half full cup of coffee and the remnants of a bear claw. Popping the last bite into her mouth, she signed in at the front desk and smiled at the receptionist.
"Good morning, Annette. How are you?"
"I'm good, Kate," the woman answered. "Tired, but good. Lexi kept me awake until 3 in the morning. Jeff of course snored through it all."
"It's a good thing they're both cute, right?"
"You got it." Annette looked affectionately at the photograph of her husband and daughter, then handed Kate a piece of paper. "Just some housekeeping here. I need you to look everything over, and make sure it's all correct. Initial here," she pointed with her pen. "And sign at the bottom."
"Thanks, Annette." Kate took the page and sat down.
20 minutes later, Dr. Burke finally came out of his office to call her back. The paperwork long since completed and given back to the receptionist, Kate closed the Kindle app on her phone, tossed her empty coffee cup into the trash and followed the psychiatrist.
I'm a friend of Roy Montgomery's. I'm calling about Detective Beckett. We need to talk.
Castle woke with a jolt then flopped back down onto his pillow. It had been so long since he had talked to Smith, the man had become just a section in the larger Beckett file.
Which was probably why the nightmares had stopped? But why had they begun again?
Kind of a dumb question.
Smith was the factor Rick was most nervous talking about. Not just that he'd visited the man in a deserted parking garage – he conceded to Kate's anger about that, it ultimately was a stupid thing to do by himself. He couldn't deny he had enjoyed the clandestine/spy-ish aspect of the meeting. It was like he was going undercover, testing out his acting ability, proving he was indeed the son of the famous Martha Rodgers. But it wasn't until he returned home that he realized how lucky he'd been.
Beckett was right, bad things could have happened.
The nightmares began after that. Nightmares where he was kidnapped, taken to a remote cabin upstate and tortured. Nightmares where he was shot outright in the garage. Nightmares where he came home from the garage and found Alexis or his mother missing. Even though he hadn't been threatened, the 'what-if's' kept him awake for weeks. It wasn't until he'd stopped opening the file every time he had writer's block that the dreams went away.
And now it seemed they were back.
Rick looked at his phone. 7am. At least it wasn't too ridiculously early. There was no way he could go back to sleep, so he got up, made coffee, showered and dressed in ratty sweatpants and an old Batman t-shirt and sat down to try to weave the nightmare into a scene for the next Nikki Heat novel. Damn it all, he wished Beckett didn't need to take a day to process her therapy session.
"…He met with this person!"
"That bothers you more than the fact he has this file?"
Kate was up pacing as Dr. Burke appraised her from his leather chair. She had seemed alert and ready to go when they began, but now he could see the traces of dark circles beneath the makeup under her eyes. He didn't think she'd slept well last night.
"Well, I'm not happy he has the thing – and more to the point kept it from me, but yes, this is worse. I honestly don't know how to get it through his thick skull that he's not a cop. I bet he didn't even wear his 'Writer' vest."
She folded her arms and glared at nothing.
"How much of the file did you read before returning it to him?" Dr. Burke asked Kate.
The detective sat in the chair opposite him.
"Not much. I was on a case, and I knew once I got started I wouldn't stop and I needed sleep. I clicked on my image and an array of other photos popped up. I clicked on a blank icon and this man came up. I'm not going to name names…" she looked at the doctor.
"You said that earlier, Kate," Dr. Burke replied.
Kate shook her head. "And you said it would remain confidential if I changed my mind. I get it. But I'm not going to change my mind, it's too dangerous."
Dr. Burke just nodded as Kate stood and began pacing again.
"My mother was murdered. I was shot. And Castle thinks he can run around meeting shadowy figures without any danger to himself?" Kate scoffed.
"Have you discussed this with him?"
"Not yet. We're going to meet up at my place tomorrow to go through it all."
"Why tomorrow? Are you on a case?"
"No, we just finished one. I'm off for a couple of days. I just…" Kate sat again. "I've already fought with Castle about this man, and I'm afraid I'll jump down his throat again when I see him tomorrow. And I also like to spend a day alone after our sessions, to work through everything you and I talked about."
"I understand you don't want to fight with Mr. Castle again over this, but your mother's case – and yours as well – is a trigger. As upset as you are just reviewing what little you've seen of the file with me, you may need to let it all out with him."
"I feel like I've already done that, to an extent," Kate was almost pleading. "I want to discuss this like a rational adult, not some…"
"Kate you're not rational right now, and you've admitted that when you said you've argued 'to an extent'. You've also admitted you haven't read the full file." Dr. Burke said. "But until you've seen everything, your reaction is still going to be emotional and irrational. That's not necessarily a bad thing."
"It's not exactly fair to Castle."
"Perhaps not," the doctor shrugged. "But I think his reticence to go through the file with you shows he understood what your reaction would be. What was it you told me he said to you?"
Kate huffed a laugh. "That I'd shoot first and ask questions later."
"What I want you to do after you leave here is to call Mr. Castle and meet with him – either at your place or his – whichever is more comfortable for you. Working though our discussions alone is all very well and fine Kate, but this can't wait. The festering is slow because you know what's coming, and you know you'll find some answers, but it's there. Get it out into the open Kate. It'll be easier on you both in the long run."
"Even if the neighbors call the cops because we've got a knock-down, drag-out blowup going on?" Kate smiled self-deprecatingly. "God, that would be humiliating to have uniforms from my precinct showing up."
Dr. Burke smiled at that.
"Even then, Kate. It needs to all come out. Consider this homework."
Castle clicked off his phone a little surprised, but pleased. Kate didn't sound overjoyed – in fact, she sounded a little grudging – but she had asked him to come over as soon as possible, instead of waiting until tomorrow.
"So help me, Castle, if you forget my Chinese…"
He rummaged around the kitchen drawer where his family kept all the takeout menus, searching for Hung's.
Ah, there it was.
Rick set it on the counter and set the hard drive next to it. He'd order as soon as he was out of the shower and dressed, and pick it up on the way. Beckett was probably going to flay him anyway; he was not going to exacerbate things by forgetting her food.
Kate set her phone on the table and put her face in her hands. In truth, it wasn't just processing or working through her session with Dr. Burke this time.
She wanted to psych herself up to talk to Castle.
God, she was as nervous as she'd been the night he came over for dinner. They'd already worked so much out, this should be different, right? Easier, right? The banter should be back, right?
But Kate was still nervous. This was different. This was…
"This is my case!" she exclaimed aloud. "Castle had no right to keep that information away from me!"
That's true, Beckett, just as you had no right to keep information from him. You nearly destroyed everything when you took so long to admit you heard Castle in the cemetery.
Kate Beckett was no stranger to talking to herself. It was how she built theory before Castle came along, and though she tried not to do it out loud when she was at the precinct, bouncing things off herself had always been surprisingly helpful.
Now, with Castle acting as her sounding board, she didn't do it so much professionally; personally, she went to town with it, having full on conversations with herself in the privacy of her apartment. She was harder on herself than Dr. Burke was, but that 'double' therapy – as she described it to herself – was helpful.
She had to hurry though. Even though it would take some time for him to get here, it wouldn't do for him to hear her. She figured he'd probably nope right out of there, not wanting to get any more involved with this crazy chick.
"Okay, Beckett," she said to her brain, "You tell me how this is the same thing. This is my private life we're talking about."
Katie, Katie, Katie.
Wait. Since when did she hear her mother's voice in these little sessions?
Katie, what Rick said to you also pertains to your private life. His too.
"Not the same thing, Mom."
Might as well pull out the stops on this. What she wouldn't give to actually be talking to her mother right now.
All right, not exactly Katie, but ask yourself, what are you most angry about here? The fact he's been looking into our cases without you? Or that he met with someone involved without backup?
Kate could swear she heard her mom's exasperated sigh.
Here's a take on this, Katie, that you need to think about. You're having a knee jerk reaction to him having this file, which you didn't ask him to do, which you didn't give him permission to do, which you didn't give him access to.
"A lot of it he got from Ryan and Espo."
And he got it from them while your shooting was still an active case. In fact, you probably already know a good chunk of what he has. So you really can't be angry about that part of it. Admit it, most of your anger comes from his meeting with this Smith person.
Kate just nodded, not needing to speak it aloud.
Are you going to tell him how you feel?
"I was almost there, mom! I had almost calmed down and then you bring that up!"
You need to bring that up, Katie. If you don't, Rick will think his initial fears are correct. That you don't feel the same about him as he does about you.
"But I do…"
Tell him that, Katie. Before it's too late.
There was a knock on the door.
"Hi," Castle returned, holding up a plastic bag. "Hung's as requested."
Kate graced him with a big smile.
"Thanks, Castle, I've trained you well."
He was a little surprised at the easy camaraderie Kate was showing. He decided he liked this Dr. Burke guy, though there was no telling how long this relaxed Beckett would last.
Then he remembered she was this upbeat when she answered the door when he came the first time, and noticed she was nervous a few minutes later.
"Holy crap, Castle, did you get everything on the menu?" Kate was unpacking the food.
"Not quite, but would that be a problem?"
Kate laughed aloud, something that had Castle catching his breath. Maybe she was feeling a little more relaxed this time.
"Of course not," she answered. "I'm hungry and wow… I hope you are too."
"Maybe I'm trying to build up your Styrofoam temple," he smirked.
Kate made a face at him, but there was no malice to it.
She handed Rick a plate and fork, so he could load his food himself. She looked down at the counter, her expression becoming pensive.
"Did you bring it?" she asked.
It was a stupid question, but it broached the subject they both wanted to bring up and avoid.
"Yes, of course."
Kate took a deep breath. "Let's do this."
She led him to her couch, moving the Union Jack pillow to the side.
Rick handed her the drive and sat down.
"So, we kind of got off on a different tangent at your bar, Castle and I never finished what I was going to say when I said I'd lost so much to this," she waved her hand, encompassing the television where she'd hooked up her computer so they could both see the screen easier. "I don't want to argue, but do I want you to recognize the danger you put yourself in…"
"You mentioned Alexis the other night, Beckett," Rick interrupted. She didn't want to argue? Well, neither did he, but he wasn't in the mood to be lectured either.
Kate acknowledged his irritation with an understanding nod.
"What I was going to say, was while I've lost a lot to this case, I can't lose you too. What you said about my dad? I'm grateful to you for saying that. I am beyond proud of him for not falling off the wagon after I was shot. And I know that there would be no reason for him not to if I was killed, though I would hope he'd find a reason somewhere to keep living. It was a real wake up call for me. You might not have been happy about me bringing up Alexis, but I was hoping that you'd feel that with your daughter."
She shook her head.
"I don't want to talk about my dad or Alexis. I want to talk about us."
Rick's eyes grew wide.
"Not this?" He lifted the drive.
"That thing is a big part of 'us'," she replied, holding her hand out for it. "Or maybe what I'm hoping we can be."
Castle was speechless as he handed the drive to her and she inserted it into her computer. Both watched the TV as the information came up and Kate clicked on Smith's icon.
"There's not much here, how often have you met with him?"
"I've only met with him in person once, any other contact has been by phone."
I'm a friend of Roy Montgomery's. I'm calling about Detective Beckett. We need to talk.
"He was a friend of Montgomery's. Said he owed the captain his life. He told me that Montgomery sent him some files, and that if they ever got out they could hurt some immensely powerful people. The files were being used as a threat to keep Montgomery's family from ever being harmed. And your safety was also part of the deal."
"Great deal," Kate broke in. "Whoever 'they' are went after me anyway, and nearly succeeded."
"Well, apparently Smith didn't get the files until after you were shot." Castle stared at what little information there was on the screen. He broke away and turned to Kate.
"Now keep in mind this was our first conversation, so I may be a little fuzzy on the details, but he told me that you were safe and you would stay that way as long as you stayed away from the case."
"And when was this?" Kate asked.
"It was just after you came back to the precinct. I was back too."
Beckett barked a laugh. "So getting shot is what's been keeping me safe? I was certainly 'staying away' while I was healing."
"I guess?" Castle shrugged. "I'm just repeating what I'm remembering, I could be getting it wrong."
"You're probably remembering pretty close though," Kate went on. "I haven't been working on it, and no one's been after me who hasn't been a direct part of a murder case I was on."
She pursed her lips.
"Did Smith say what happens if I don't stay away?"
"You can't go near the case, Kate," Rick looked her in the eyes. "If you dig, they will kill you."
"Did… Do you believe him?"
"I did… and do."
"So why didn't you tell me about this?"
"Did you hear a thing I just said?" he asked in disbelief. "Whoever these people are, they want you dead!"
"Castle, this isn't one of your books, I can't just turn it off. I was shot, my mother was murdered, they're connected, and you want me to put it away?"
Castle blew up.
"Yes I want you to put it away! My God, what part of they will kill you don't you understand?"
He paced around the living room his hands on his head.
"My mother was right, 'You can't change her, Richard. She's going to keep digging.'
"Your talked to your mother about this and not me?"
"I had to talk to someone, and I couldn't tell you because of your tunnel vision. She told me then to tell you, and okay, yes, hindsight is 20/20, that's why you've got this drive, and we're having this yelling match."
That brought them both to a halt.
They looked at each other and Kate let out a laugh that was half sob.
"You've put it away before. Do you remember what you told me when I brought up your mother's case the first time? That if you started again, you wouldn't stop? You knew what it did to you then. And you know what it's doing to you now."
"Castle you're one to talk, you've been in contact with this man. You met him. Finish the story for me. What did you discuss in person?
Rick sat back down and Kate joined him.
"It was that case with Bob Weldon."
Kate nodded. "I remember that case. We argued."
"Yes, and I'm sorry about that," Rick said. "I know you were just doing your job."
"I'm sorry too," Kate smiled. "I know you were just looking out for your friend."
Castle returned the smile.
"Anyway, he called me not long after we discovered that Dial-A-Goddess place. He told me greater forces were in play. I realized then, if Smith was contacting me, this case had something to do with your mother's murder."
"I don't get it, Castle. What would the mayor have to do with my mother? He was elected after…"
Castle gave a dry chuckle and turned serious again."
"This thing was so like one of my books it's ridiculous."
"What do you mean? Kate asked.
He turned to face her.
"I believe Smith was behind the embezzling of Bob's charity." He held up a hand to stop Kate from breaking in. "And though he wasn't behind framing Bob for the murder, it sort of worked in his favor. I don't believe Smith killed that woman; I think that was done by the men behind your mother's death. But this was Smith's way of protecting you."
"What?" Kate was stunned at that.
"Do you remember when I told you we needed to listen?"
"Yes, that broke the case," her eyes darkened. "Until that damned lawyer showed up."
"I met with Smith twice. The first time he gave me the clue about listening."
"Twice? Castle…" she stopped herself. "And the second?" she asked instead.
"I called him to ask why someone wanted to destroy Bob's career. He said it was none of my concern who."
"And I said if it involved you it was. Then he asked me what would happen if the mayor was removed from office."
"Again, Castle, and?
Rick answered with a question.
"Why am I allowed in the precinct?"
The lightbulb turned on for Kate.
"If the mayor were gone," she replied, "Especially if he were kicked out, you'd be gone too. There's no way Captain Gates would let you stay given that you're a friend of his."
"Exactly. Kate, Smith wants me in the precinct to protect you. I know I'm not a cop, you can protect yourself, yadda, yadda, yadda. But I can do my best to keep you from drowning in this. And if I had shared this with you when I first got Smith's call all those months ago, maybe… I don't know."
"We could have been working together on it and you'd keep my head above water. Like you said, keep me from drowning in it."
"So where are we?" Castle asked.
"It's not enough."
Castle deflated. He thought… He hoped… But Kate wasn't finished.
"But it's enough for now."
What did you think about this one? I promise I won't be late next time! :)