Hello, I'm baaacckkk! Found another one in the vault, this one I last touched June 27, 2012, so nearly eight years ago. I hope you enjoy this one.


Love was a former owner
But quiet is renting our house
It seizes my lips from speaking

But forms a sarcastic smile
Suspense now raised one of your eyebrows
You ask me if there's someone else
I replied yes, hell yes

Who was she? Or rather who had she become? She remembered once upon a time she was an intelligent, funny, tenacious young woman. She enjoyed hanging out with her girlfriends, taking an extra long lunch to catch a foreign film because neither her friends nor man could be convinced to watch them with her. She was involved in community activities and was a proud big sister. Yet all that changed and she hadn't even fully realized it. When she had stood still long enough to reflect on her life she did realize that things weren't like they used to be, but she dismissed it. Those dismals were the reason she was now staring at herself in the mirror wondering what happened to her.

You asked me if it's another man, I said no
You laughed and say is it a woman, I say yes
Surprisingly you asked me for honey's name

She knew the moment she lost herself. It was crystal clear. It was when the other woman had entered the picture. A woman who pretended to be a friend and a helper when she was really there to steal and pillage everything she had. But she couldn't see that, she didn't want to see or believe that. Maybe it came from years of hearing her mother say that women were untrustworthy, jealous, gossiping, evil backstabbers. She had always told her mother that wasn't true that there were good women in the world and that women could be friends without pettiness getting in the way. Her mother always shook her head at her with the condescending look of "you poor naïve fool" across her face.

She had thought she had proved her mother wrong with the strong sisterhoods she had developed with a childhood friend and later through her volunteer work and college. She had even bordered on flaunting the relationships in front of her mother. But her mother stuck to her guns and now the older woman had been proven right. Or at least been proven right in this case. Damn it! She hated when her mother was right. She had been so self-deluded that even as she asked her mother for tips on how to preserve her relationship, she still couldn't admit that this woman was the type of woman who gave all women bad names.

And her name is me,
And she loves me more than you'll ever know
And I finally see that loving you and loving me
Just don't seem to work at all
So patiently

She's waiting on me to tell you that she needs love
And to choose between you two

Boy you know if I have to choose, I choose me

Now she was finally facing some hard truths. While this woman might be all the things her mother said, she couldn't have gotten anywhere if her man hadn't opened the door. He too had been duped into believing this woman was a friend and even when the truth was evident he did nothing. That should have been her clue to leave, head for the hills. But she hadn't. She had stayed. Stayed because she believed they would triumph, their relationship would be stronger than ever.

What a fool she had been? And because she spent twenty-four/seven being a fool, she never noticed she had lost herself. That the weekly girlfriend calls had stopped or rather she stopped participating. The quarterly girlfriend get togethers she kept missing. Maybe it was because she saw her local girlfriend on a regular basis that she allowed herself to think everything was fine. The various organizations had long since ceased calling for her help and she attributed it to the fact that they had finally found other volunteers. She accounted her little sister's infrequent calls and surprise visits to the young woman being busy with school, family, and friends. She had even had the audacity to pat herself on the back, happy that her little sister was finally becoming the carefree young woman she had wanted her to become.

Thankfully her work hadn't suffered completely while she was invaded by a pod person. She truly loved her job and whenever she was working and became caught up in a project she became aware of nothing else. It was through her work that she finally came face to face with the mess her life had become. Talking to her girlfriend in regards to a project and to chat, she noticed her friend was saying things she knew nothing about. Things she knew nothing about? How? When? She knew everything going in her close friends' lives, yet that conversation had quickly schooled her to the sad fact that was no longer true.

And she told me to tell you to never to hurt me again
Cause if you haven't heard she's a bad chick
Even though I haven't been, no
Yet and still you try and test me by raisin' an angry hand
Put it down, put it down

It would have been easy to scream at him, which she had done. Yell at him, yes, she had done that to him. Lie to him, check. Manipulate him, check. Bare her heart and soul to him, she had even done that, but nothing changed. Well, things would change for a while and then they would go back to the way they had been previously. How many years had she lived on that merry-go-round? She was disgusted with herself for living that way. For letting another human being dictate how she should live. To be honest he hadn't dictated anything, things had changed and there was the unspoken rule adapt to the changes or hit the door. And like a team player she had adapted. She could slap herself for being so dumb.

What had she sacrificed in order to adapt? More than she had ever imagined. Her allowance of the disintegration of her relationship had thrice cost her to lose the thing she loved and wanted most in the world. Yet, even that hadn't been a sign to her. The real her had been buried so deep, it was almost as if she were impenetrable. Thank goodness for almost. Thank goodness for sisters who stood by you and slapped the hell out of you when the real you finally peeked her head out. Thank goodness for birthdays and the realization of how far from her dreams she really was.

She wished she could say thank goodness for wishy-washy stupid men and manipulative stupid women doing incredibly stupid things. But they hadn't done anything out of the ordinary to derail her from the road she was on. Her relationship with him was still the same disrespectful relationship it had morphed into years ago. Finally she could see there was nothing for her to hold on to. She could no longer stay for what they once were, for who they once were to each other, for the true, honest friendship they had once shared. For all the years they had known each other, been there for each other, comforted each other, laughed with each other, cried with each other, held each other, yelled at each other, rejoiced with each other. None of that matter anymore, it was in the past.

I'm leavin don't try and stop me, (no)
I'm late and she is waiting, (yes)
My love for me is too much so I can't stay

With a plan in place, she sat by the roaring fire waiting for him to come home. Come home after being with her. But for once the rip roaring pain of that truth didn't tear at her. Yes, there were pangs and cuts reopened and bleeding, but nothing like before. Oh, yes, finding herself again was helping her heal.

They chit chatted about nothing. She could tell he was nervous that she was going to ask where he had been. He was desperate to get upstairs. Did he want to shower? To wash her cheap perfume off of him? Really all he wanted to do was keep her hooked. That's all hiding the evidence was, keeping her supposedly fooled. With this realization, the urge to tell him why she was leaving fled. She didn't want to listen to his pleas and denials, hear his explanations, his promises that this time. This time things would be different. She had heard it all before. She was getting too old to hear his- - She was done and now for the final act she would put him out of his misery.

"Honey, did you have a run-in with a skan- -skunk? Because you smell like you've wrestled with one. Why don't you go take a shower while I lock up for the night?" she had said, working overtime to keep the smile off her face as fear then relief flashed in his eyes.

He quickly did her bidding and left her presence on the double.

When she was sure he couldn't hear she let out a big belly ache laugh. Had he always been this transparent? How had she missed it? It was like she had been walking around in sleep mode. She had been fighting for that. She had been doing things she never thought she would do for a man. A man like him. A man who was no longer worthy of her. A man who didn't love anyone but himself. And at times she wasn't sure he even loved himself and if he couldn't love himself, how in the hell was he supposed to love her?

And her name is me,
She loves me more than you'll ever know
I finally see that loving you and loving me
Just don't seem to work at all
So patiently

She's waiting on me to tell you that she needs love
And to choose between you two

Boy you know if I have to choose, I choose me

Why had she done this? Why had she opened herself up to such pain? It would be easy to be flip and say because she was horny. Well she was horny, but she had put on her sexiest of sexy negligees, put on her screw me pumps, and done her make-up and hair to the tee because she wanted to be and feel sexy. She wanted one last night with him and why not make it her final night, even if he didn't know. For one final time, she wanted to pretend. Pretend he hadn't just left her. Pretend he still loved her. Pretend he still cared about her and her feelings. Pretend he still wanted her.

The want part was easy to fix and with the others she let her mind go free and let their bodies do the work. Her body had never known another and he could touch her in spots and she would melt. Tonight she put aside feelings and inhibitions. She tried out a few things her mother had told about, a few things her girlfriends had laughed about, a few things she had fantasized about, and a few things she had read about in Hustler. She let it all hang out. Then at the end as she lay beneath him, she gazed into the eyes that had once captured her heart and soul. The eyes that had seen her experience all the good and bad life had to offer. She would like to say the last orgasm brought tears to her eyes because the sex had been so good, but really it was because she knew it was only sex to him and that they would never be this close or intimate again. That they were no more. As he pulled her into him and they spooned, she ordered the tears to stop and to enjoy these last moments of what used to be.

Cause she's actually forming a threesome
And I'm happy that I can join them
Their names are me, myself and I

Gwendolyn Rebecca Hotchkiss Crane with practiced ease put her hair in a scrunchie to keep it from flying in her face with the top down. She was singing along to her favorite Tamia album at the top of her lungs. She was free. She was finally free. She had left Ethan Winthrop Crane and she wasn't going back. Now he no longer had to waiver between her and that monster, Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald. She had bowed out. Let's see how he dealt with that. He was no longer the one with the upper hand. She smiled. She felt so good. With each mile between her and Harmony, her smile grew wider, her voice became louder, and her shoulders felt lighter.

Before she knew it she would be in her new hometown of Port Charles, New York, and she knew her father, also a new Port Charlesian, would have her favorite meal of pot roast and his homemade mashed potatoes waiting for her and the girls when they walked through the door.

She couldn't wait to walk into the beautiful six bedroom home she and her best friends purchased via the internet. Good times were awaiting her, Deception Cosmetics Executive Faith Ward, and Charles Street Foundation President Keesha Ward. Whenever they needed fatherly advice her dad, the wonderful and amazing Jonathan, would be in his guest house enjoying retirement. And with the very, very careful care she was taking in a few short months, her four precious babies would be here to join in on the fun. She had had no hope when those last four embryos, that she and Ethan had frozen years before, were implanted. Yet it was on that final try when everything took, all four to be exact. Four healthy babies rested in her barely rounded tummy and by all that was within her she would protect them with her dying breath.

Motherhood, a new town, a new home, a new job, CEO of Hotchkiss Enterprises, a lot of changes were coming her way but she was ready for them and could handle them with the support of her sisters and her father, and most especially because she had finally found herself again.

And her name is me,
She loves me more than you'll ever know
I finally see that loving you and loving me
Just don't seem to work at all
So patiently

She's waiting on me to tell you that she needs love
And to choose between you two

Boy you know if I have to choose, I choose me

She's waiting on me to tell you that she needs love,
Gotta choose between you two

And you know if I have to choose,
I choose me, me

I gotta go with me