Hey peeps, this is a story I stole from Fonjavters in a comment he left on his discord server. This is also possibly the greatest piece of literature ever written. Edited to remove script format. Edited again to reduce it even further. I'm not taking any chances, even though actual script format stories still survive.
Enjoy or suffer.
Ice age 6: Rise of communism
In this film, our main characters are unfroze out of ice blocks in Siberia, who quickly find out the Land they once knew is taken over by humans.
They begin a revolution against communism, that makes a significant dent in the U.S.S.R.
Eventually they are caught by Joesph Stalin and sent to gulag in the cold and desolate Siberia. They work day in and day out, working hard labour for no pay, so basically slavery. These cruel conditions take a toll on the Ice Age gang, consisting of Sid the sloth, mammoth dude, space prostitute weasel, and sabre tooth cat guy who is not once mentioned in this story. They plot an escape after a month of hard labour at the gulag.
They miraculously escape almost being killed in the process.
''Yay, we escaped that's epic bro.'', the gang says. They hide in a boat about to head for Las Vegas. Don't ask how they managed to find a boat in Siberia that heads to Las Vegas, a city whose only means of getting inland via. boat is the Colorado river. Don't question it, just accept it.
''Hey Stalin the ice age things escaped.'', some Soviet dude said to papa Stalin. He slammed his fist down on the table. Why did he leave his keys up on the table? There he goes creating another fable.
''Grrrr how dare they, we shall launch nukes to Las Vegas where they are heading.'', Stalin announced.
''But how do you know that? Also, wouldn't that cause nuclear war, which is M.A.D*!'', said the Soviet dude to papa Stalin.
(*Mutually Assured Destruction)
They reach the destination and find out the Soviet Union has launched a nuclear missile to there.
''Oh no.'', they cry out. They know what to do, and they do it.
They then access a NASA terminal from a nearby nuclear fallout bunker.
''We must stop the nuke or else we be blazed m9, and not in the good way.'', mammoth dude said.
''No shit.'', Sid said.
They manage to stop the nuke and make it head for Mars. Why mars you may ask? Well to wipe out those damn aliens!
It succeeds and nuclear radiation hits the earth years later. By now, the radiation is dissipated and not harmful, which is good so we don't all either turn big and green, or simply turn... off. (i.e die)
Thank you, comrades.
ICE age 7: Vietnam (Part 1)
We start out in MURICA with OUR hero's Local military station.
They have been drafted to Vietnam, now they will fight off dem communists again.
We then cut to them dropping to the military base in Vietnam
You can get part 42069 DLC from GAMESTOP!?11!1!
Ice Age 7: Vietnam (Part 2)
We pick up where we left off with them going to the military base in Vietnam.
They then learn WHO the true threat in veitnam was: The most sickening thing the universe could produce. It was never to die, for death could not conquer it. It was a cringe-ass child from Mars, deformed by the immense amount of radiation it was exposed to.
And it's name was... (John Cena lmao)
Ice Age Baby (dun-dun-duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnn)
We see it in it's base form, having just killed the meme man. It is cringe-ass, and it'll use its annoying and evilness to do evil and annoying things respectively.
''HEY SPACE PROSTITUTE WEASEL, WHAT DID THE SCOUTER SAY ABOUT HIS POWER LEVEL?'', said the mammoth dude.
''IT'S OVER 9000!'', screamed the space prostitute weasel.
The ice age baby proceeds to power up, causing a magnitude 69.420 earthquake to exist and destroy thing. This earthquake spawned tsunamis and fires to blaze places. The earthquake also unearthed a massive secret temple of the Illuminati.
The space prostitute weasel stays behind to fend off the cringe-ass ice age baby and the Vietcong, while the ice age gang enters the temple filled with artifacts such as:
-Half Life 3
-A CUTE DOGE (he's a good boy yes he is)
-The communist manifesto 2
-Holy hand grenade.
-A Bitch Lasanga (Not a lasanga made of doggo but doggo lasanga hybrid)
-Skull that belonged to a guy named "sans".
-And many more
The most noteable though, was a onion that has instructions on how to summon Shrek, our love and life.
In order to summon Shrek you must have this special onion in hand while saying "Onions are like ogres, they have layers"
Do this about 420 times and the holy lord Shrek will be summoned to eradicate any not gucci people in the area.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO SPACE PROSTITUTE WEASLE, WILL THE GROUP BE ABLE TO SUMMON SHREK IN TIME?
WILL YOU JUST HURRY UP WITH UR SHIT ALREADY AND CRAP IN THE TOILET? I THINK YOU MAY HAVE LEFT UR MIC ON SO NOW EVERYONE HEARS YOU PISSING AND SHITTING FOR 45 MINUTES!
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALL Z!
ICE AGE 7:VEITNAM (PART 3)(FINAL)COPS CALLED ALMOST DIED NOT CLICKBAIT!
Last time we had our heroes summoning Shrek to destroy ice age baby.
And they did.
So then Shrek notices the immediate threat and teleports to the menace.
''OH HELLO THERE, SHREK HERE.'', the almighty Shrek said to the stupid and evil and cringe-ass Ice Age Baby.
''THE FCK YOU SAY TO ME YOU LITTLE SHT?'', the foul mouth evil cringe-ass Ice Age Baby shouted.
Ice age baby then used his 2nd form: Ice age baby ULTRA FRICKING RAINBOWS ARE GAY LOKE UR MOM OH MY GOD IM SO SCARED HOLY FRICK .
Ice age baby attempts to snap his fingers.
''BRUH SHOULDA GONE FOR DA HEAD.'', Ice Age Baby taunted.
''You cheated not only the game, but yourself. You didn't grow. You didn't improve. You took a shortcut and gained nothing. You experienced a hollow victory. Nothing was risked and nothing was gained. It's sad that you don't know the difference.'', Shrek monologued in an incredibly deep and complex manner.
''Bruh.'', was all the dumb and simple minded Ice Age Baby said.
Shrek then used 50% Of his power to eradicate ice age baby from existence.
''I'm not feeling so good.'', the Ice Age Baby groaned.
''IM AMAZED YOU AREN'T DEAD YET.'', Shrek commented.
Ice age baby died soon after. So then the war ended as a result of the death of the cringe-ass ice age baby. Now that the cringe-ass ice age baby is dead, they all celebrated by (ironically) doing the fortnite default dance.
After that, our heroes then got transported back home by the godly Shrek.
No I'm not ending the saga yet.
ICE AGE 9: THE THIRD REICH (PART 1)
Some years after the events of Vietnam, the government recruits our heroes to a experimental time machine project.
''OK SO UR MISSION IS TO GO BACK IN TIME AND 360 NOSCOPE HITLER.'', said some government dude.
''OK BUT CAN WE HAVE SOME GODDAMN WEED'', said Sid.
''OK I GOT A SHIT TON BACK AT HOME BUT THIS AMOUNT SHOULD GET YOU FUCKIN HIGH!'', said the government dude.
''K BRUH.'', said Sid and tha bois.
So our heroes smoke dat good shit and go in the time machine high as balls.
''FUCK YOU'', the time machine said to the ''heroes''
''OK MOTHERFUCKER'', replied our ''heroes''
So they are transported to 1942 in Nazi Germany, which is an excellent place to be, especially if you're Jewish.
''HEY LOOK ITS HITLER LETS GIVE HIM SUM WEED.'', said Sid.
''HEY STRANGE BEINGS OK NOW GO IN THAT TRUCK TO THAT HOLOCAUST PLACE K BOIS!'', said Hitler.
''NO FUCK YOU.'', replied Sid.
''OK TIME TO GET SHIT IN UR FUCKING BRAINS.'', replied Hitler.
BUT THEN suddenly a shadow appears, a badly drawn figure appears in the sky, saying nothing, only needing to go fast...
ICE AGE 9 YHE THIRD REICH
WE NOW RETURN TO OUT HEROES IN THIS BATTLE AGAINST HITLER AND THE ICE AGE BABY.
''I AM NO LONGER THE WEAK VERSION OF MYSELF.'', announced the adult Ice Age Baby, which is a bit contradictory.
''HEY I EXSI-'', the space prostitute weasel said, but was cut off.
Space prostitute weasel got 360 noscoped by adult ice age baby.
The mighty and righteous and good and cool and epic and funny and awesome and handsome and sexy and wicked cool and rad and mlg 420 blaze it lit Shrek has joined the game.
''YOU DARE CHALLENGE ME FOOL?'', adult Ice Age Baby shouted at Shrek.
''BRUH IM GOD.'', Shrek simply and truthfully said.
''HEY YOU GODDAMN GANGBANGERS, GO TO THE FUCKING TIME MACHINE AND HEAD SHOT THE WOMAN WHO BIRTHED THIS MOTHERFUCKER.'', Shrek ordered our ''heroes'', and they nodded.
OUR "HEROES": ''Ok holy lord and savior Shrek'', they said. And so they did, they went into the time machine and went back in time to when the Ice Age Baby was more like an Ice Age Fetus.
''OK GUYS WE BACK TO KILL THIS BITCH!'', the Mammoth dude announced.
Then mammoth dude headshotted the woman who would be the bearer of the evil and cringe-ass Ice Age Baby.
''WHAT THE FUCK I DON'T KNOW'', said someone named **19 but the story doesn't say what her name is so this is now her name.
We cut back to the epic fight between cringe-ass Ice Age Baby and the epic and awesome cool Shrek.
''I TOLD YOU THAT YOU WOULD DIE FOR THAT'', the adult Ice Age Baby shouted at Shrek.
''YOU SHOULD'VE GONE FOR THE HEAD.'', Shrek taunted the cringe-ass Ice Age Baby.
''THE FUCK'', the adult Ice Age Baby spoke his final words, then ice age baby died forever due to the fact he was never born. But if he was never born then why would they travel back in time to kill his mother in the first place? Meaning, logically, he would be born and would enable the ''heroes'' to travel back and time and kill his mother. Which would mean he wasn't born, and then he was born and THIS IS CONFUSING!
Now, ur probably wondering about sanic, I will reveal what happens in ICE AGE 10: IN SPACE MUTHUFUKUHS.
The cycle will never end.
I copied this off from a comment on youtube
this is not mine
ICE AGE 10: AGE OF THE FURRIES. (INTRO)
We return to our ''heroes'' in Berlin where that time travel facility was.
''HEY WE ARE BEING ATTACKED BY FURRIES!'', some operator dude shouted in a panic.
Suddenly, the doors burst open with the furry army, they quickly drilled glory holes, yiffed, farted in elevators, and caused explosions with whatever was there. Yes, even air particles.
TUNE IN TUESDAY FOR MORE...
We done, I'm sorry.
That ends the riveting tale of the malevolent ICE AGE BABY
I made some adjustments, notably adding a few jokes here and there and removing any script format so the admins don't yeet me off the site. Also, added a lot more detail and other stuff, including additional dialogue and stuff. This story is over 800 words longer than the original form was.
I have deleted this story twice, so I can edit it further.
Hope you enjoyed it, because I literally stole it off of Fonjavters, but he stole it too, so that cancels out the badness of stealing something. If you steal a stolen item, is it really theft? Well, it still is, but shush.
Until next time, goodbye.