A/N: I do not own the rights to anything related to mass effect or any affiliates. This is just for funsies, please enjoy!
Personal Data Log:
I loved her, so why did I let her go? I could have told her someone else needed to save the galaxy this time. That I needed her. That I wanted to grow old with her. I could have said at least something.
She was my everything. My captain, my commander, my best friend, and eventually my lover. The love of my life, and the most beautiful human I had ever met. Her hair was so red, after a fire fight I had to resist the urge to check her head for injuries. Her eyes were so pale blue, that I had to double check every once in a while to make sure they weren't actually white. That always made her laugh. Oh god, her laugh. Just thinking about her laugh makes me weak in the knees. It also makes my want to cry.
She wouldn't judge me for crying, I know that. Sometimes, I swear I can feel her hand on my shoulder, comforting me. I'm sure she would say something about how sorry she was that I was in pain, but that she had to make her sacrifice so everyone else could survive. That it would be ok to cry, to mourn her in anyway that I need to (well, short of blowing up the citadel which I desperately want to).
I honestly can't look up at the sky without hoping that she will make another grand appearance, like when Cerberus resurrected her. I never told her that I had mourned her once already. That she was the reason I started slaughtering gangs on Omega because I was so sick with grief from the loss of her companionship. I should have told her, but knowing her sensitive heart she would have been more upset that I had killed others because I missed her and she would have blamed herself even though the men and women I killed were barely worth the bullets it had taken to kill them. I guess I hadn't really thought of her in a romantic way before that. During the events with Sovereign everything was so insane I hadn't given much thought to romancing her, besides the fact that Shepard was attached to Liaras' hip at the time.
Looking back now, I suppose I had felt small pangs of jealousy anytime I saw the two of them together. I would have never thought a human would be attracted me in the first place though, much less a beautiful soul like hers. Honestly, I thought humans were kinda weird looking and too soft before her. Most humans still are kinda weird and fragile looking for my tastes, but I don't think I could love another human anyway. I might not be able to love anyone again. I know she wouldn't want that. That she would want me to be happy even without her. There is no happiness without her in the universe though. It takes every part of me just to get out of bed in the morning. I keep hoping that it had just been a nightmare and I will wake up to see her sleeping form next to mine.
She should have had the chance to grow old, though I can't imagine she would have liked getting old. The thought brings the first smile to my face in years. She would have absolutely hated getting old. She would have hated having to deal with the press, or having to try and be a civilian at some point. She would have throttled someone for thinking she had lost her edge and that they could have possibly beaten her in shooting contest just because she was older.
As I reach up and gently touch the scar on my face, I can't help but think about how upset she was when she thought she would lose me during the whole "Archangel" incident. I was touched to my core that someone could care that much about my well being. I know I had joked at the time to try and make her smile, but I had to resist the urge to wrap her up in a hug at that very moment. No one had ever been so worried about me as she was. Every mission we returned from during the Reaper invasion, she would practically run down the hall way to the main battery then wait outside the door for a moment to catch her breathe before coming inside (she didnt ever tell me she did that, but I could definitely hear her loud footsteps in a narrow hallway in a space ship). I could almost laugh right now thinking about it. I'm kind of glad she died not knowing that I knew her little secret, but I would give anything to be able to tease her about it now.
It's been 5 years since I heard her laugh. 5 years since I've seen her smile. 5 long years since I've heard her voice besides over a video comm. I know she did what she thought she had to. I know she died to save everyone she loved, her crew and myself included. I know that given the choice, even if she knew ahead of time what would have happened, that she would have done it all over again if it meant her friends were safe. Maybe it's time I forgive myself for all the things I didnt say, and just be grateful for all the things I did say.
I swear I can feel her with me now. A small hand on my shoulder, giving me a gentle squeeze. I have to keep looking over my shoulder in my empty room just to make sure. I don't think I will ever be over her death enough to try romance with another person again, but maybe I should try smiling again. I know she would want me to. I should take solace in the fact that she never had to grow old, and be limited by her body. I should be grateful even, that I didnt have to watch her die of old age because she would apologized a thousand times like it was her own fault that her body would have started to fail. I can't picture her as anything but the beautiful, strong, kind, and wild captain that I fell in love with.
I can't help but whisper to my dark room, "Thank you Shepard, my love. Thank you for a chance to live to fight another day."
I could almost swear I could hear her answer from a far away place, "You're welcome, my sweet Archangel. I love you more anything." I had to whip my head around just to make sure I was still alone, but I finally didnt feel the small hand on my shoulder anymore. I need to go to sleep, and maybe this will be the first time in 5 years I won't have a nightmare.