Disclaimer: Please enjoy this story that Warner Brothers only wishes JK had written.
Harry looked over the people gathered around the bright red train, searching for a honey or two so he could start this whole magical world thing off the right way.
He was wearing jeans, a brand new set of cross trainers, and a muscle tee to show off the guns. According to Thanos, it was important to make a strong first impression. Honeys would be drawn to him, naturally, and the weak ass wizards would instinctively know to stay away from the biggest dog in the yard.
Sometimes, Harry didn't understand all the metaphors, but he tried to remember them anyway. And from what he had seen so far, he doubted that there were even any other medium sized dogs in the yard. The wizards he saw tended to be either slim or chubby, and there was very little definition anywhere in sight.
On the other hand, there were some very nice-looking girls, so Harry watched the crowd with a grin. He had a lot of choices for honeys. His eyes eventually caught sight of an Indian family saying their goodbyes to their identical twin daughters.
One of the many things he had learned from the Thicc Daddy was that there was nothing better than twins. Harry wasn't going to question his mentor, especially not with such pretty evidence standing right in front of him.
The girls had a trolley with two large trunks and their father was just wondering if he should assist his daughters to get them onto the train when Harry decided to introduce himself.
"I can help if you'd like."
There was a wide variety in expressions on the faces of the people who turned to look at him. The father was both surprised and wary of the young man; the mother obviously disapproved of his outfit but smiled anyway at his face for some reason. He was so used to people looking at the lightning bolt on his forehead that it barely registered to him.
The girls though definitely liked getting to see the gun show. They were pretty too, so Harry was checking them out at the same time. Both were slender with very long black hair and he thought they looked like perfect honey material. He had learned that it was pretty awesome to walk around with a pretty girl under each arm, so he figured that it would be even better if they were a matching set.
"I'm Harry," he said, extending a hand towards them. The girl on his left reacted first.
"I'm Parvati," she replied.
He took her hand and kissed the back of it. "It's my great pleasure to meet such a lovely young woman."
That was one of the last lessons Thanos had taught him before the end of summer- it was time to start calling them young women or young ladies instead of girls. He had been told that his hormones would thank him in the long run.
She giggled and nudged her sister in the side.
He kissed her hand as well. "It's definitely my lucky day, Padma.
"Now, allow me."
The trunks did have lightening charms on them and almost always came with space expansion charms as well, but they were still pretty damn big. Yet Harry hefted one onto each shoulder like it was no big deal.
It was easily less than a hundred pounds, and he could bench press almost three hundred, so it really was no big deal to him.
He turned and headed for the train as their parents mouths' dropped open, while both girls gave them hurried goodbyes as they ran after Harry. Parvati caught up to him first and she led the way as they looked for an empty compartment.
It took a few minutes, which she apologized for, checking several times to make sure he wasn't getting tired of carrying all that weight. Harry hid his smile as she openly leered at his arms and shoulders. That was the reason he wore a muscle tee after all.
Once they found a place to sit, he carefully stowed both of their trunks as well as pulling his own out of his pocket and unshrinking it. He wasn't super impressed by magic yet, but there were several really handy charms that he had found.
Both girls sat together on one of the bench seats and when he looked down with a raised eyebrow, they slid apart, making room for him to sit with them.
"So, ladies, I couldn't help but notice that the two of you were speaking another language with your parents. What's it called?"
"Hindi," Parvati answered with a smile. "Most of our family still lives in India, and we've been there on trips many times."
"Cool." Harry turned to her. "Do you think you could teach it to me?"
"We could try."
"I'll make you a deal. If you teach me Hindi, I'll teach you frenching."
"I think you mean French," Padma said.
Harry winked at Parvati and took her into his arms. She became a very pleased witch over the next ninety seconds.
"I meant what I said," he replied, letting the breathless girl go as he turned back to her sister. "Your turn, my dear."
"Ooh la la!"
The rest of the trip wasn't too memorable until this group of chumps came by to interrupt Harry's honey time. Padma seemed to be slightly more reserved than her sister, but both girls were happily giving and receiving lessons about all of the various tongues they spoke. In fact, Padma had suggested that she just wasn't as smart as her sister and required more help learning the proper way to do things.
Parvati had been annoyed by that and had proceeded to teach herself (through lots and lots of experimentation) how to give him a hickey. Harry thought that was pretty cool, so he returned the favor... and of course, Padma didn't want to be left out, so they all had love marks on their throats and both girls were happily curled up against him when the door was flung open.
"They're saying that Harry Potter is on the train. I don't suppose any of you have seen him."
Harry turned to glare at the three boys in the doorway. The two in back were at least of a decent size, although both looked more soft than anything. The little pale blonde that was running his yap reminded Harry of one of those annoying tiny dogs that he'd seen old women dragging around the neighborhood.
He grumbled as he stood up and made his way over to the intruders.
There was a great contrast once he looked down at this runt calling himself Draco Malfoy.
Harry. 5'1. One hundred forty six pounds of rippling muscles. Seventeen inch biceps.
Draco. 4'8. Less than eighty pounds soaking wet. Had no idea what biceps were.
The smaller boy started talking again, something about he could be of great help to Harry, how he knew 'the right kind' and his sneer over at the girls was not at all appreciated.
Harry punched him in the mouth and he staggered back into the two lumps behind him.
Blood was pouring out of his mouth and Harry bent down to pick up the two front teeth he had knocked out.
"Let's get a couple of things straight, you little wimp. Teeth," he waved the offenders right in front of the three boys, "are a privilege. You lost that privilege when you made a crack about my honeys. I catch you looking at them again with your beady little eyes, and you might lose the privilege of sight too. Now get out of here before I have to teach you any other lessons."
Harry reached over to put the teeth into the front pocket of Malfoy's shirt and dismissed him as he closed the door.
"Is your hand alright?" Parvati asked as she had a handkerchief that she dabbed at his knuckles.
"It's fine. I've had to knock the teeth out of much bigger brats than that before."
She sighed and made a show of kissing it better anyway. Harry laughed and snogged her for a minute before Padma gave out an irritated little cough.
"So, we're your 'honeys' now?" she raised an eyebrow and gave him a little glare, but Harry just grinned at her.
"Of course. You're too sweet and yummy to be called something else."
"I'm feeling a little sticky too," Parvati added with a giggle. "Don't act like you don't want to be one of Harry's honeys, sis."
"Parvati, we're supposed to play hard to get," she hissed at her sister. "That's what you kept telling me when you read all those silly magazine articles."
"Not when it's Harry Potter snogging our lights out, Padma."
He took that opportunity to remind Padma that there were much better games to play, and as her hands played with his hair while she devoured his lips, any other doubts or objections were over.
There was only room for two of them to sit next to each other on the boat ride to the castle, so Parvati sat in Harry's lap, her arms around his neck while she grinned at her pouting sister, who mumbled about how she wished she had thought of that.
They did have a couple of issues when they got inside though, as a middle aged teacher peered down at the blatant love marks on their necks. She tutted, but Harry just smiled and pulled each of his honeys a little closer. There were a number of sighs from some of the other girls.
The much bigger problem came when Padma was sorted into Ravenclaw and Parvati went to Gryffindor. Padma's face fell when Harry joined her sister. He gave her a smile and a wink though, so she tried to cheer up.
Once the meal was finished, he rushed over to the Ravenclaws and pulled her in for one more 'frenching' lesson before she left with her dorm mates. Padma had a grin on her face the rest of the night, even as she fell asleep.
Parvati clung to Harry's arm as they made their way through the castle and up to Gryffindor tower. By the time they separated and went to bed, she too had a smile that wouldn't quit.
Now, some people like to get up and exercise first thing in the morning. In fact, some are so dedicated to fitness, they wake before dawn, rolling out of bed at five to work out for a couple of hours before breakfast.
Harry liked to call those people amateurs.
He woke up every day at two thirty, and then he climbed down into the fourth compartment of his trunk that Thanos had helped him set up with a full set of weights and a dozen different pieces of exercise equipment. He could do four hours easily every day, and by the time the other boys were waking, Harry was already finished with his shower and waiting for Parvati to escort her to breakfast.
They took to splitting their meals between the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw tables. They only had Defense, Charms, and Astronomy with Padma otherwise, and Harry wasn't going to miss out on spending time with one of his honeys just because of the stupid school they went to.
The first Potions lesson became a mess almost as soon as it began. This greasy, sleazy fuck named Snape started trying to talk a bunch of shit about Harry. Yeah, like he was going to put up with any of that bull, especially from some douchebag who clearly enjoyed bullying children almost as much as he loathed the idea of washing his hair.
Harry jumped up and made it to the desk of this supposed teacher as the petty little man started saying some more bullshit- something about taking points- and Harry grabbed the back of his head and slammed him face first into the desk. There was a nice satisfying crunch as his monstrously huge hooked beak of a nose got smashed in.
"I don't know a lot of Potions yet, but I can teach you all a lesson. Little bitch Malfoy already knows it, but sleazebag here still needs to learn."
Harry had looked through his books for interesting spells. Sadly, there was a lot of nonsense like turning kittens into coasters, or turning turtles into teapots, but he did find a nice little spell that transfigured your fist into stone. He waved his wand at his left hand and, with a left hook, proceeded to send several teeth flying.
"Teeth are a privilege."
There was 'no foolish wand waving' in Potions, so by the time Snape thought to try to pull his wand out, Harry easily snatched it away from him and snapped it between two fingers. That, of all things, was what made the ugly bastard start to cry.
'Jeez, wizards really are pussies,' Harry thought to himself.
Harry later had a meeting with his head of house, a very stern old witch named McGonagall. He felt bad for her- her lips were always tight and he bet she hadn't been anybody's honey for far too long. That could explain why she wasn't happier. His girls always seemed to have smiles on their faces.
She was giving him some lecture about not assaulting teachers and Harry eventually just had to cut her off.
"Look, I won't punch anybody that doesn't deserve it."
"That greaseball started insulting me. I don't know much about the magical world, but in the normal world, teachers aren't allowed to do that. Then he said something about how I was just as arrogant as my dad. Obviously, I don't know anything about that- you know, what with being an orphan and all. Hell, I don't even know what the previous Mr. Potter's name was."
"You... you don't?" For some reason, that seemed to really upset the professor. It looked like there was even a tear in her eye. "His name was James, James Potter. He was quite the little rascal, but he was an excellent student of mine."
"Oh. I never knew that."
"That's why your middle name is James."
"You didn't know that either?"
"My relatives didn't want much to do with me," Harry shrugged.
"I was surprised by your appearance when you first turned up. Your parents were much more... slender."
"The Dursleys would probably like it if I were too. They tried to not feed me enough when I was younger. For some reason, every time they tried, they would get frozen in place, and their plates would float over in front of me. It was really weird. Now I know it was accidental magic. I used to wonder if I had like a guardian angel or something."
"But how did you get so... large?"
"Hard work. Lifting weights, cardio- you know, the usual stuff."
"Yeah, running, jumping rope, stuff like that."
"I see." Professor McGonagall's face didn't look like she really did, but Harry had to fight down a grin. She had forgotten all about the lecture. He was dismissed in time for lunch.
Maybe she wasn't so bad after all. Harry decided that he would start calling her McG from then on. It was a lot shorter for one thing, but it also made her sound cooler. And he hoped that it would get her to loosen up a bit. If only he knew an older dude that could have her be his honey. She'd probably like that.
There was a flying lesson soon, and that was something that Harry really was looking forward to. It sounded way cooler than any of the spells they had learned so far, even if brooms were maybe a bit silly.
Padma was talking about how they had a flying carpet back at their home in India that their family used to ride and Harry was disappointed to learn that they weren't legal in England.
Now, he also had this classmate named Longbottom and Harry felt bad for the little dweeb. He was chubby and shy, plus he had a bit of a stutter, especially when he was nervous. And it seemed like he was always nervous.
But trying to learn how to fly made that even worse.
Harry had no problem calling the broom up to him; it jumped right into the palm of his hand. His girls on either side looked at him and he smirked.
"She just needed a firm hand."
"I think you need a firm hand sometimes, Harry," Parvati replied. She started to scowl and practically yelled out, "Up!"
The broom leapt up to her as well and then she grinned at him.
"You can take a firm hand to my broomstick any time."
Parvati blushed and Padma snorted before calling her broom up as well. "You should probably keep your broomstick to yourself while we're in class, Harry."
Sadly, the flirting and innuendo was cut short when Longbottom shot into the air, clearly unable to control his broom.
"Poor kid," Harry muttered. He wondered what type of cruel god would have given him a name so perfect for making crude remarks? That little albino rat kid had already started calling him Fatbottom.
A moment later there was a crash and the teacher was taking him away to get a broken arm fixed.
Then the rich wimp grabbed some glass globe thing and started talking a bunch of shit. Harry had to sigh. Apparently, the healer lady here could fix broken teeth and Malfoy needed another lesson.
Harry took to the sky chasing after him, only for the wimp to panic and toss the glass thingy away. Harry sped off on his broom and caught it just as he smashed into the brick wall of one of the towers.
He missed out on the look of shock on McG's face as he merely rolled his shoulders and flew back down.
"Hey you little bitch!" Harry bellowed as he landed. "I guess you need a reminder."
"What?" Malfoy asked just before a fist crashed into his face again.
"Since it looks like we won't be learning much more about flying today, let me instead teach everyone a lesson in case you haven't learned it yet." Harry reached down, and sure enough, there were the same two front teeth he had knocked out just a couple of weeks prior lying in the grass next to the crying boy. "The lesson is:
"Teeth are a privilege!" The Gryffindors all yelled out along with him. Padma and a few Slytherins did as well. Harry noticed that the two bigger boys that usually kept Malfoy on a leash said it too.
Harry had thought they were pretty dense, but apparently they could figure at least this one thing out.
"Mr. Potter, what is going on here?"
McG looked very upset. Harry wondered if maybe the little Charms dude could help mellow her out.
Now, the funny thing was, McG took him (and his honeys, of course) off to meet this older kid who told him all about quidditch. Apparently Harry was nominated to become the new Gryffindor seeker.
Normally, the seeker is one of the smaller players, as speed helps more than size or strength. Harry shrugged that off- he guessed that would mean he might be able to throw his weight around against any lighter opponents.
Parvati and Padma watched his first practice and cheered whenever Harry would catch the snitch or perform some fancy maneuver on his brand new broom.
Quidditch was pretty fun so far, but his mind went to something much more important- how he definitely needed to get the girls into cheerleader uniforms. On TV, the cool jocks always had the hot cheerleaders as their girlfriends. That was something that Harry was going to have to emulate.
A week or so before he could get to his first match though, they had the Halloween feast to look forward to. Harry was bummed when the meal was interrupted by the stuttering spaz that was supposed to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts, who came running in and screaming like his hair was on fire.
Assuming he had hair under that turban thing.
Anyway, there was apparently a troll loose in the dungeons. Harry was tempted to go down there and see what the big deal was, but most of the students started freaking out. Once Dumbledore got things sort of under control, they were all supposed to return to their dormitories while the teachers handled it.
Harry saw a couple of problems with this. First of all, he hadn't seen much yet that suggested most of the teachers could handle anything more dangerous than a puppy. Exhibit A was lying face down passed out on the floor, despite the screaming.
There was also the fact that the Slytherins lived down in the dungeons.
But that's when it hit Harry. Dumbledore had been a Gryffindor. They had hated Slytherins forever because the Slytherins were all evil- although Harry had at most seen them as annoying so far.
Maybe the headmaster was trying to get rid of some of the little trouble makers before they turned into full fledged Dark Wizards?
That was way sneakier than Harry had thought the old man could possibly be.
Meanwhile, Albus was hoping that he could talk Minerva and Severus into dealing with this troll business so he could stay behind and have another couple of slices of pumpkin pie.
That last joint he smoked had been filled with some truly kind bud.
And now he had a wicked case of the munchies.
"What?" He turned to look at who was yelling at him- it was Parvati's friend Lavender. She was cute enough, but Harry wasn't sure if she was honey material yet. The girl just talked so damn much about clothes.
"Hermione doesn't know about the troll!"
She and Parvati had told him earlier that the little teacher's pet Granger had been crying all day because that one ginger kid said she was a nightmare.
Not very nice- but, you know, kinda true.
"Let's go then," he said as he stood up, his hand out to help Parvati to her feet. "You'll have to lead me there."
"Weren't you paying attention earlier?" she asked.
"Believe it or not, I don't know where all the girls' bathrooms are. For some reason, learning that hasn't been a priority for me."
"What if the troll comes out of the dungeons?" Lavender fretted, chewing on a piece of her hair.
"Then you should probably stay behind me."
"Come on Lav, it will be okay. My big strong boyfriend will protect us." Parvati pulled her friend along with them.
The girls hurried as they led him down a corridor and opened a door into a girls bathroom. Harry started to wait outside, but Parvati was holding tight onto his arm, so he let her pull him inside too.
Lavender was talking to Granger, who was apparently still crying based on the sniffling sounds. Hadn't it been like four hours ago? Who could cry that long without getting dehydrated? That was also on top of skipping dinner because of some little bratty kid insulting her. He shook his head- the girl clearly needed to toughen up. Harry thought he would need to take Granger down to the kitchens after this just so she wouldn't keel over. He might suggest that she learn a bit about learning to defend herself against jerks too.
A roar broke his concentration, and Harry turned to see the door turn into splinters as this huge ugly dude came barreling into the bathroom holding a club that looked like a tree trunk in one meaty hand. It brought a smile to his face as he bellowed right back and ran straight at the thing.
Now, trolls aren't known for their intelligence, but almost any creature tends to be surprised when what they think is prey turns around and decides to fight back. So it's hesitation was sort of understandable, but it soon cost it a mouth full of pain.
Fighting fair was something that Harry had never really learned, and his mentor had always told him that the most important part of a fight was winning- style points were only a bonus. Therefore, he began with a jab straight to the groin that forced the creature to lean over. Even with that, Harry was glad that he had never skipped leg day because it still took a pretty good sized jump to be able to reach the face of the big ugly dude.
Then came the all too familiar yet always satisfying sensation of sending his foe's teeth flying. Harry followed it up with a left hook and then a chop to the throat. Windpipes were always a good weak spot to aim for- another lesson he'd learned from Thanos- and the creature grabbed at its neck, struggling to breathe.
It took him a bit of effort, but Harry decided to finish things off by grabbing the club that had been dropped. It was almost as big as he was, but he was able to lift it without too much trouble. He took a couple of practice swings to adjust to the weight while the creature was still gasping and then smashed it over the head.
The wood cracked loudly and the troll collapsed to the floor, unconscious.
With that taken care of, Harry turned to his audience of girls. Granger and Lavender had both been screaming, and he was a little surprised by the set of lungs on the bookworm, but they both now stopped and stared at him. Parvati had this huge grin and she bounced over to him, threw her arms over his shoulders and pulled Harry down for a kiss.
"My hero," she exhaled with a smile once her lips were no longer busy with anything else.
"I wouldn't let anything that dumb and ugly bother one of my honeys, now would I?"
That was when McG showed up with the greasy sleaze and the stuttering spaz. Apparently, she had bothered with waking the wimp up for some reason.
"What is going on here?" she almost yelled.
"Granger wasn't at the feast, which Parvati and Lavender pointed out to me, so they led me here so we could warn her about the troll and take her back to the tower with us," Harry explained. "I thought it was supposed to be in the dungeons, though. This is the second floor."
"And why weren't you at the feast, miss Granger?" McG turned to the girl who started stuttering, trying to find an answer.
"Eh, that one ginger kid insulted her after Charms," Harry shrugged. "I guess she was upset."
"Are you speaking of Ronald Weasley?"
"I don't know his name."
"Yes, professor, Ron was being horribly rude," Parvati clarified. "Then again, he's always being horribly rude. Have you seen how he eats? It's disgusting. He's going to give Gryffindor a bad reputation."
"I see." McG frowned for a moment. "That doesn't explain what happened to the troll."
"That's a troll, huh?" Harry scratched his head. "I thought they would be bigger. Well, it smashed in the door and I couldn't just let it hurt one of my honeys, now could I? So, I smashed him before he could smash any of us."
"You 'smashed him' how exactly?" greasy sneered.
"Are you asking for a demonstration?" Harry replied with a smirk.
"Just explain yourself please," McG said. "Actually, miss Patil, can you please tell me exactly what mister Potter did?"
"It was amazing!" she began with a huge smile. "The troll let out this terrible roar, but Harry just yelled right back at it and then ran towards the thing. He hit it several times, it was so fast it was like he was a blur, and when the troll dropped that big club thing, Harry picked it up and bashed it over the head. He was so brave. He's my hero."
She sighed and Harry wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "A man's gotta take good care of his honeys."
"Padma's going to be so jealous," Parvati giggled.
"I see," McG straightened up. "Fifty points to Gryffindor for such gallant behavior, mister Potter. I trust you can see the young ladies back to Gryffindor while we clean up this mess?"
"Of course," he smiled and led them out into the hallway.
"I saw it, and I still can't believe it," Lavender said with a stunned look on her face. "How did you do that, Harry?"
"These muscles aren't just for show."
"But they are a nice show," Parvati grinned as she walked arm in arm with her boyfriend. "I never see you exercise though."
"I get up early," he shrugged.
"Can I come watch some time?"
"Sure. I'll tell you what, I'll show you and Padma some of how I work out this weekend."
"Can I come too?" Lavender asked with a blush.
"If you want."
They made it to the set of stairs leading up to the Gryffindor tower before Granger broke out of her shock. "They gave you points!"
"Huh?" Harry stopped and turned to look at the previously quiet girl.
"Fifty points, and it wasn't even magic! All you did was act like... like some sort of brutal ruffian. Fighting is against the rules. You should have lost points if anything. I don't understand."
"Would you prefer if he had let the troll kill you, Granger?" Parvati hissed. "Don't you go complaining about my boyfriend saving your life."
"Brutal ruffian," Harry snorted. "I think I like that."
"Of course you would," Granger scowled. "You've been in several fights, and from what I've heard, you seem to get away with it every single time."
"If you try to get Harry in trouble for saving you, I swear, I'll hex you into next week!"
Harry grinned as Parvati defended his... his honor? Well, something like that anyway. It was cute. Unnecessary, but cute.
"Don't let her trouble you, my sweet little honey," he said as he kissed her softly on the neck which instantly made her melt against his side. He'd found out that Parvati really liked that for some reason. "One day she'll understand the way the world works. I guess that's one lesson she hasn't learned yet."
"You, you... argh!"
Granger growled out the password and disappeared into the common room.
"I didn't know if I'd ever see Hermione at a loss for words," Lavender giggled. "I don't know what her problem is, but I hope she grows out of it. I, for one, am very glad you were there to protect us, Harry."
Harry missed the narrowed eyes Parvati shot at her best friend who was blatantly looking him over.
A week or so later came the first quidditch match. He looked himself over in the locker room as he first put on the game day uniform, as it felt really snug in the shoulders. Harry fixed that by using that handy-dandy cutting charm he had learned.
Sleeveless was a good look for him. Thanos had told him that you always take whatever chance you can to show off the guns. For example, his honeys had certainly enjoyed watching him work out, although that had been completely shirtless. Lavender had come along and he'd caught her actually drooling before she noticed and blushed like mad.
Parvati hadn't spoken to her new best friend for a full eight hours afterwards. She had glared and Lavender had pouted all throughout lunch and dinner. They'd made up before bed though.
Harry could only shake his head. Maybe he just didn't get girls.
But now it was time for him to put on a different type of show as he flew out onto the quidditch pitch and heard the roar of the crowd coming from the stands. He could get used to that sort of thing- adoration from the masses, yeah it was nice. He took a nice leisurely time around the pitch, giving all the girls in the audience a chance to check out his alteration to the uniform.
McG had frowned at him, trying to look stern when he got close, but he had seen her laughing at first. He didn't know why she tried to act like she didn't want to have fun like everybody else.
Unfortunately, the little Charms dude had sputtered when Harry had stayed behind after class to ask if he would be up for having McG as his honey. 'They were work colleagues and nothing more!' he had squeaked out. Harry had been disappointed, but he wasn't going to judge if the dude wasn't into the ladies.
He thought McG was pretty nice looking for an older gal. But she clearly needed someone to help let her hair down and relax. Unfortunately, the pickings were pretty slim at Hogwarts. Maybe he could try Hagrid?
He was a big, strong dude, so that was an obvious plus.
A loud whistle shook Harry from his thoughts just as Parvati and Padma yelled out his name. They were sitting together and cheering for him, which made him smile, so he flew off in search of the snitch.
The jerks in green played pretty dirty, but that was fine with Harry. When the opposing seeker tried smashing into him as they sped after the snitch, Harry responded with an elbow to the face that made him pull up to grab his probably-broken nose.
Harry laughed as he flew down and yanked the snitch out of the air.
Of course he had won. He was the hero of this story, so he flew over to the stands where his honeys were waiting for him.
Granger was sitting a couple of rows away, glaring at him. He'd tried to get her to call him a brutal ruffian again and she'd been muttering at him every time he did. Parvati had told him that she apparently thought he was making fun of her.
In truth, he was mostly trying to get her to lighten up. Six and a half more years of that was going to drive everyone in Gryffindor nuts if Granger couldn't learn to mellow out. She reminded him of McG in a way.
As much as he worried about the headmaster being secretly evil, Dumbledore had been a Gryffindor. And he had always seemed pretty happy and mellow. Maybe Harry should break down and ask him for advice.
Albus missed the quidditch match that afternoon. Fawkes had just gotten back from America with a shipment of peyote and the two of them were stoned out of their gourds. He was laying around in his underwear and contemplating the idea of what it would be like to live among the penguins during his next vacation.
Maybe he could name one of them Gunther.
Other than that, Harry's first term at Hogwarts was unremarkable.
He was a bit bummed when the girls went home for the Christmas holidays, but he decided to just put a little more effort into his workouts while they were gone. He could pretty easily bump it up to eleven or twelve hours a day without them there to distract him.
But his plans were thrown off when he woke up to find an Invisibility Cloak. Harry hesitated to call it a present, since it had belonged to his father, but the suggestion that he 'use it well' gave him all sorts of terrible ideas of what he could get up to.
He started off by sneaking into the restricted section of the library. Unfortunately, most of the books there weren't actually that interesting. There were a few books about the Dark Arts and how to counter a number of awful sounding curses, but actually learning those curses was not apparently available at the school.
Harry thought that sucked. He had known a few people that he'd have enjoyed seeing strangled by their own intestines. Primarily his uncle Vernon and that fat bitch Marge, but the greasy Potions bitch was trying to climb to the top of that list too.
When the books didn't keep his attention, he sneaked around looking for secret passages and generally looking for trouble for a couple of days. It turned out the old castle was just full of hiding spots, corridors that magically transported you halfway across the school in a few steps, old classrooms filled with all sorts of neat looking junk, and one particular room with this huge ass mirror.
Harry stepped in front of it and saw himself fully grown- shirtless (of course) with bulging muscles and older versions of his honeys on either side of him. A few athletic looking children were playing in the background.
He was so impressed with the vision that the sneaky old headmaster caught him and told him all about the Mirror of Erised. Harry lost interest pretty soon though, as the old dude had this voice that just made him want to doze off.
When his honeys got back from the holidays, he was unable to take them to see the mirror. Wily old Dumbledore had moved it apparently. What a cockblocker.
Instead, Harry just told them about his new cloak and all the fun they could have using it.
They all stayed out past curfew that first night and Harry had fun walking Padma back to the Ravenclaw tower. By the time he and Parvati had gotten back, it looked like the common room was empty.
"You were breaking the rules!" Granger hissed from the chair off to the side from the doorway. "We haven't even started up classes again, and you're already breaking the rules!"
"What can I say?" Harry shrugged. "It's just in my nature as a brutal ruffian."
"That's my big, strong, brutal ruffian," Parvati added as she kissed his cheek. "Were you waiting up for us then, Hermione? Maybe if you could keep your nose out of a book for a few minutes, you could find a boyfriend of your own."
"This is a school," she scolded. "I'm here to learn. I'm not here to find a boyfriend."
"You could do both, you know?" Harry replied. "I mean, you're not exactly honey material for me, but I'm sure there's some guy out there that would be interested. Probably a Ravenclaw. Actually, why aren't you in Ravenclaw, Granger?"
"Yeah, you study more than my sister."
"I... I'm telling on you both!"
She ran off up the stairs and Parvati sighed. "I hate to have to agree with Weasley, but she is a nightmare."
"Maybe she'll lighten up one of these days."
"You really think so?"
"I'm an optimistic kind of guy," Harry said with a grin. "Don't worry about tomorrow, I can handle McG."
"Only you would think our head of house needed a nickname," Parvati snorted. "I can't believe she lets you get away with it."
"I do call her Professor McG when we're in class."
McG did call him to her office the next day, but she crumbled almost immediately when Harry showed her the note- apparently the headmaster himself had been the one to regift him with his father's invisibility cloak according to McG, and with his approval, she could hardly punish Harry.
She said that last bit with a hint of mirth that made Harry smile. He was winning her over. One of these days, he'd even be able to get a full blown smile out of her.
That put him on his new quest, finding out if Hagrid thought McG would be good honey material.
The girls were a little uneasy around Hagrid at first. Harry could see why- the dude was pretty rough around the edges. Not just the edges either. But he seemed like a genuinely decent guy and Harry was determined about his objective.
Unfortunately, Hagrid said 'he jus' couldn't see Perfesser McGonagall like that.'
They'd known each other too long, apparently, and he'd already been working at Hogwarts when she was a student. Harry was surprised that he was older than McG, and he was even more depressed that the big dude didn't have a honey either. Compared to all the wimpy little wizard guys around there, Hagrid was by far the most manly. If anyone deserved a honey, it was him.
When they left his cottage that day, Padma asked, "Harry, what were you thinking? Hagrid would probably be dangerous for a normal woman."
"Oh come on, Hagrid's not that bad."
"Have you seen him? He's enormous! How do you think that would work? She'd need a step stool to try to kiss him!"
"Not to mention other things," Parvati said with a horrified look on her face even as she blushed. "I know you like him, but Hagrid would probably need to find someone like him if he's going to have a honey. Why are you so set on that anyway?"
"What do you mean someone like him?" Harry asked.
"Someone with giant blood," Padma replied. Harry's confused look prompted her to go on. "How do you think he got that big? He's more than ten feet tall, Harry, he must be part giant. Even in the magical world, normal wizards don't grow to be that tall."
"Besides, why do you think he and McGonagall would make a good couple?" Parvati giggled. "I really can't see that."
"I just want McG to be happy. And there's not that many other options around here. The little Charms dude already said no too."
"You asked Professor Flitwick?" Padma looked shocked. "Why can't you call him his name? Also, why haven't you tried asking someone of normal size if you believe that Professor McGonagall needs a man in her life?"
"You know, look at the other options. The greasy sleazebag in Slytherin? I want McG to be happy, not miserable. The stuttering wimp from Defense? Of course not. The cleaning dude is always scowling and way too obsessed with his cat. The guy that teaches about magical creatures is missing an arm and a leg. And the history teacher is a ghost. I don't think that would work, for obvious reasons."
"What about the headmaster?" Parvati asked. "It seems like they get along pretty well."
"I don't trust him," Harry muttered.
He looked around for a moment, and since they hadn't yet reached the castle, he pulled them aside and made sure no one was nearby. "I think he might secretly be evil."
"Dumbledore!" Parvati yelped.
"That's crazy, Harry," Padma added. "Why on Earth would you think that?"
"What about it?"
"Well, we were all safe in the Great Hall, and there was a troll roaming around the school. Why would he send all the students out when he could have just barred the door and made sure we stayed alive instead of sending us closer to danger? Plus, if it really was in the dungeons, as that wimpy dude screamed, that's maybe worse. The Slytherins live in the dungeons. Was he trying to get them all killed? You know, I'll admit that one little albino kid is pretty annoying, but I don't want to see a hundred people killed by a rampaging troll just to get rid of him. Some of the girls are pretty nice looking."
"Don't you have enough honeys?" Parvati asked with her eyes narrowed.
"It would be kind of funny to have one from Slytherin," Harry replied with a grin. "Can you imagine the look on the greaseball's face? I think I might give him an aneurysm."
"I'm not sure how we put up with you," Padma teased. "But we've been over this before. Malfoy isn't an albino. True albinos have red or pink eyes, and he isn't really that pale, at least not compared to all the other white English kids around here."
"Yeah, whatever. He's still an annoying little runt. He reminds me of those yappy little dogs that think they're ferocious when they're actually just a joke. Like anyone cares that his dad is rich. I bet he's a soft ponce just like his kid."
"Money makes a difference in a lot of ways," Padma lectured. "Our father has taught us a lot of lessons about that. Not as many as our brother, maybe, but we know how important it can be."
"Good thing I'm rich then," Harry smiled. "Wait a minute, you don't just like me for my money, do you?"
"Of course not," Parvati said as she leaned in close and kissed near his ear. "We just like you for your body."
She giggled and ran for the door.
"Well, that's okay then."
A few weeks later, Hagrid burnt down his cottage and nearly the Forbidden Forest as well when it was found that he'd somehow gotten hold of a dragon's egg. Harry had been worried about what had happened to him until he saw Dumbledore show up surprisingly lucid and fix everything. He'd had some stern words with his gamekeeper and sent him off on some sort of errand while the headmaster rebuilt his cottage.
After he returned, Hagrid also disappeared into the forest and didn't turn up again for nearly a week.
He spoke of some sort of shadowy monster that had been killing unicorns, but Dumbledore told him not to 'cause any unneeded worry or harsh his buzz' before pulling him aside and sending him on another errand.
Harry hid under his cloak that night and watched with horror as Hagrid returned with a package of some sort that he delivered directly to the headmaster. He'd heard mention of some place called Knockturn Alley, and when he asked his honeys about it, they told him that it was an offshoot from Diagon Alley that sold dark and dangerous items.
Harry knew he was right. Dumbledore was evil.
And somehow he was getting away with it right in plain sight!
Albus was humming happily when he made his way back to his quarters that evening. Hagrid was often getting into trouble, but he was so very useful. That dealer would be a fool to try to stiff Albus something something Dumbledore when he had enormous muscle like the half-giant around to make his problems go away.
He opened up the bag of truly righteous ganja and smiled as Fawkes lit the first joint.
The phoenix's singing got a bit off-key when he was stoned, but it still had a fun euphoric feeling even when Fawkes started going through the catalog of Otis Redding. Phoenix song could even turn soul and blues music into a happy time.
And people wondered why Dumbledore was always in such a good mood.
Quirinus Quirrell, or the stuttering spaz as he was known to Harry, had been having a bad year. He'd failed to get the Philosopher's Stone for his master while it was still with the goblins. Then he had wanted to try to curse that blasted Harry Potter, thinking that maybe a jinx on his broom would work during one of the quidditch matches.
Unfortunately, that plan ran into several problems. First of all, even with his master's help, he didn't all of a sudden master wandless magic, especially not for a spell he had never used before.
Plus, it turned out that brooms were enchanted to be specifically curse-resistant. The quidditch leagues had all demanded it more than a century prior when certain gamblers tried to make sure their bets won by doing just what Quirrell attempted that day.
Not to mention the fact that when he did discreetly pull his wand and silently aim a curse at Potter, he'd missed. Going sixty miles per hour tended to make moving targets very hard to hit. In fact, one of the Slytherin chasers had nearly been thrown from his broom when he zigged just as Potter had zagged.
And he thought that Snape might have been on to him as well. Severus had made it very clear that he had called dibs on trying to kill Potter. His master was impressed by Snape's determination and ability to hold a grudge against a man who had been dead for more than a decade, a man he had been partially responsible for killing no less. Not even Voldemort believed in passing the sins of the father onto the son.
So, with that idea out, he went back to his other plans for that year. Namely, feeding the Dark Lord unicorn blood and trying to get past Dumbledore's traps to steal the stone.
Unicorns lived in the wild though, and Quirrell was forced to forage in the woods for prey. He still shuddered at all the mud he'd brought in and had to take multiple baths afterwards.
Wizards weren't meant to trudge through the wilderness like that. That was the sort of thing you made your savage gamekeeper do for you. If only he had his own Hagrid, but Dumbledore had won his loyalty all those years ago when the Dark Lord had framed him for murder. If Voldemort had been planning ahead, he would have tried to recruit him instead.
Ah well... the folly of youth.
With the school year nearly at an end, Quirrell's time was running out in trying to gain possession of the stone. Getting the secret of the beast from Hagrid had been key, but on his third trip down there, the Dark Lord had realized that there was some sort of trick with that blasted mirror. He might need to use some sort of 'innocent' student to beat the trial of the mirror- that was the sort of thing he expected from Dumbledore, even if the old fool was delusional if he truly thought that children were ever that innocent.
By eleven, Tom had already killed five people, tortured a dozen others and would have been quite pleased to have an infinite source of life and wealth. From what he learned in his first year in Slytherin fifty some years prior, anyone with a brain would have wanted the limitless gold, no matter if they were still prepubescent.
On the other hand, if his plan didn't work and Dumbledore somehow stymied him once again, having a hostage could also be useful.
Thankfully, he had an idea of how to kill two birds with one stone.
It was a pleasant late spring day as Albus flew on his trusty old Comet one fifty broom that he'd gotten back in sixty seven during the summer of love. The muggles had been so much fun in San Francisco, and they'd had so many wonderful hallucinogens. That one chap with the mustache and the pecs... what was his name? Ah well, it had been but a brief affair. Unfortunately, the young man hadn't been nearly dark and broody enough to keep Albus' fancy for long. But it had been nice that he'd had a thing for older men with really long beards.
As it was, that was the second best thing of that summer. Lysergic acid diethylamide was certainly the greatest thing muggles had created in the twentieth century. Much better than cable television and so much more mind expanding. Why, that one time Albus could have sworn he and Fawkes had switched bodies! He'd tried to replicate that lovely trip, and while he was fairly certain he'd had other out of body experiences, Albus had never been able to find a way to have wings and burst into flame without having to visit Poppy afterwards. However, he wasn't done trying, no matter how many times she and Minerva had fussed at him for 'dangerous magical experimentation.' Pish, you'd think the old biddies didn't have anything better to do than nag at him.
If Albus had wanted that, he might have stayed in the closet and married some awful shrewish woman so that he could be properly miserable.
Being gay was so much better, obviously. The word even meant happy!
Now, he was supposedly needed at the ministry, something having to do with urgent matters of some sort of magical experiment gone wrong down in the Department of Mysteries, but he wasn't sure what they expected of him. Those Unspeakable fuddy duddies wouldn't let him play with any of their toys, but apparently, they still wanted him to clean up after their messes.
Well, they could just wait for a few hours while he enjoyed the wind blowing through his hair.
"Where's Padma?" Harry asked as he and Parvati sat down for dinner.
"She was studying earlier in the library," her sister replied, passing him a plate full of roast beef and turning her nose up at it. Harry didn't mind that they wouldn't eat beef- that just meant there would be more for him, and unlike them, he was focusing on protein.
That didn't mean they didn't make fun of him though, calling him a savage at times. It made him smile. Between that and Granger's 'brutal ruffian' Harry was pleased that he'd picked up so many flattering terms of endearment.
"I'll need to help her relax then," Harry said with a serious look on his face. "We can't have one of my honeys stressing herself out over her exams."
"Yeah, Padma's always been too focused on that stuff," Parvati agreed. "That's why she's in Ravenclaw." She smirked before turning to Harry with mischief in her eyes. "If she had been more laid back like me, she could have been in Gryffindor with us. Clearly, it was her mistake."
"Yeah, Gryffindor is the best. Obviously. But Ravenclaw at least sounds pretty cool."
"Harry, you can be such a guy," Parvati snorted at him.
"And don't you forget it," he grinned. Harry looked up at the staff table and frowned. "Wait a minute- the headmaster isn't here!"
"So, it would be just like him to kidnap one of my honeys for some nefarious scheme," Harry announced as several people turned to stare at him. He took another bite of meat and then stood up. "We have to go check the library for your sister."
"Harry, she was just studying. It's no big deal."
"I've been around her all year, and Padma might spend too much time in the library, but she's never skipped a meal before."
"I guess," Parvati answered with a frown.
"I saw her talking to Professor Quirrell earlier," Granger spoke up. "I believe she was asking him something about the Defense final that we have coming up."
"See, she probably just lost track of time" Parvati added.
"I'm not taking any chances." Harry shook his head and downed a glass of water- always hydrate before going to rescue your honey from an evil old man. "Are you coming with me?"
"Fine," Parvati huffed. "But I am going to be really mad at both of you if we don't make it back here in time to finish eating dinner."
Harry pulled her to her feet and led the way as they hurried off to the library. He didn't want to miss the rest of the meal either. Unfortunately when they got there, not only did the scowly-faced librarian give them her patented dirty look number twelve (aka 'shouldn't you little monsters be eating instead of disturbing my sanctum?') but they looked over the empty tables until they found Padma's bookbag and an unfinished essay for Transfiguration left behind, with no other sign of her.
Parvati started to take Harry's paranoia a little bit more seriously then.
They ran out of the library, ignoring the mean lady ordering them not to run, and Harry pulled out his wand.
"Findus Myus Honeyus!"
Parvati looked at him with disbelief. "Harry, that can't be a real spell."
"Of course it is! It sounded kinda like Latin, what more do you want?"
"Come on, my sister could be in danger!"
"Fine, look there was a normal tracking spell that anyone could learn, but I wanted something a little more special for my girls. So, I went to the little Charms dude and he helped me come up with it. You know," Harry scratched his chin for a moment, "I think he was just glad that I wasn't there to bug him about McG anymore. But I got the message, dude's gay and that's fine with me."
"The spell, Harry!" Parvati shrieked.
"Look, it's already working," he replied, pointing to the glowing line that began to form.
"Then what are we waiting for?"
This time it was Parvati pulling him through the halls of the castle. She was really worried about her sister, although she still took the time to dismiss Harry's concern that the headmaster was secretly an evil mastermind. On they ran, up the stairs until they got to a certain door on the third floor, still flung wide open. At that point, Parvati froze.
Three enormous heads of a dog were staring at them.
"Cool!" Harry shouted.
"Yeah, look, it's a cerberus. And it's even bigger than I thought it would be. Hagrid's been holding out on me. Look at this bad mamajama."
"Did it eat my sister?" Parvati screamed.
"Oh, no, no. Look." Harry pointed down to the floor. "There's no blood, plus there's that obvious trap door under its paw."
"How did you see that?" she asked.
"I mean, you do remember how I can spot a tiny golden ball from several hundred feet away in quidditch, right?"
"Just, argh!" Parvati turned to him and looked like she wanted to smack him for not focusing on the bigger picture. "How do we get past it to find my sister? I thought you were the one worried about Evil Dumbledore trying to kill her."
"Yeah, but it would be a lot more evil to make me suffer by killing her in front of me. Dumbledore's a devious old bastard like that. Oh, and as for how to get past Fluffy-"
Parvati really couldn't believe her insane boyfriend sometimes.
"Yeah, Hagrid's really bad at naming his pets," Harry chuckled. "Anyway, just sing."
"Greek mythology, babe."
"Why don't you do it?" Parvati asked.
"Because you're way prettier than me, so I have to assume you also have a way prettier voice."
"That's so dumb, Harry," Parvati sighed. If he weren't so cute and ripped, there was no way she would put up with his nonsense. "Fine. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep, giant doggy. Please don't eat me, or my sister... or my crazy boyfriend too."
Fluffy started to drift off to the slightly unconventional lullaby while Harry shoved its paw aside and threw open the trap door.
He jumped down the hole and found this huge plant that tried to grab and constrict him. Now, Harry was still young and the internet far enough in the future, so thankfully he hadn't yet been exposed to tentacle porn hentai, but he wasn't going to let a stupid plant think it could do that to him and certainly not his honeys.
Thankfully, he remembered dealing with this thing back in magical gardening earlier in the year. And it wasn't stronger than him, so he just had to show it who was boss. Arm versus tentacle wrestling a viney plant is surprisingly easier than you might think.
It slunk back from him after a moment, and happily it was just in time as he heard Parvati begin to scream as she fell down the hole. Harry was there to catch her, of course, because he's just so cool like that.
Next, they came upon a room full of flying keys, a locked door, and an all too helpfully placed broom. Harry smelled a set up and knew that Dumbledore was just screwing with him now. He was going to punch the old man's lights out as soon as he found him.
He got on the broom, got the key and unlocked the door. Since he had the broom anyway, Harry pulled Parvati onto it behind him and they flew into the next room... where they found a giant chessboard. He looked over his shoulder at Parvati who just shrugged. They flew over the chessboard and came to another door.
Then they found another troll. Harry was pretty disappointed that someone had already knocked this one out. He decided that once he'd dealt with the headmaster, he was going to come back, wake up the big ugly guy and challenge him to a fight. It would be a good way to work off any left over adrenaline.
But then they came to a room with a bunch of poisons and potions and Harry was really annoyed. Where was his brainy Ravenclaw honey when he needed her most?
Oh yeah, she'd been dragged off by an evildoer.
"What do we do? I'm not any good at solving riddles," Parvati said.
Harry looked down at the tracking charm that had been growing steadily brighter. "I think we're getting close." He pulled his invisibility cloak out- because if you have something that incredibly useful, why would you ever not have it with you- and handed it to his honey. "Put that on, just in case."
"But what do we do about the fire?" she asked as she slid the cloak over her head.
"The flame freezing charm should work," Harry said nonchalantly. "After the little Charms dude taught it to us back in March, I've tried it on the fireplaces as well as a campfire that Hagrid made and I haven't run into any problems with it yet."
"I'll let you go first then," Parvati replied.
Harry shrugged, cast the spell, and walked into the fire between them and the exit. He turned around and winked at Parvati. "See, no problem."
"Okay." Parvati nervously followed him through, or at least he assumed she did since she was now hidden from sight. Her voice crept up next to him, almost startling him when she began to speak again. "Keep going and I'll follow you. If we run into any trouble, you deal with it and I'll look for my sister."
"Sounds good," Harry nodded. They made their way down another set of stairs and into a large open room. There, Harry saw something that really surprised him. The spazzy guy in the turban was forcing Padma to stand in front of that weird mirror he'd found a few months back.
"Dude, seriously?" he said, drawing their attention. "Touching another guy's honey is really not cool."
"Ah, if it isn't the boy who lived himself," Quirrell replied with a smirk. He pushed Padma aside and cast a spell to tie her up in ropes. "I think you'll do nicely."
"Where's the headmaster?" Harry asked with a glare. "He put you up to this, didn't he?"
"Don't be ridiculous, boy! I don't work for the headmaster."
"I mean, you are a teacher at his school, so, yeah you do."
"That is unimportant. Get over here, now, unless you want me to harm your precious little girlfriend."
"Fine," Harry huffed. Getting up close and personal with this dumbass was going to make things even easier. Harry strolled right up to him as Quirrell kept his wand pointed at him.
"What do you see in the mirror, Potter?"
"Probably the same thing as last time," Harry shrugged. When the spazzy guy shoved him in front of the mirror, Harry nodded happily at seeing himself all ripped and bad ass with a honey under each arm. "Yeah, same thing."
"What do you mean, the same thing? Do you see the stone?"
"The Philosopher's Stone!"
"What's that?" Harry asked.
"Blast it! I thought for sure Dumbledore would have left some secret tied to his precious hero in order to retrieve it." The spazzy guy clenched his fists and then stepped closer, his wand tip right behind Harry's head. "I suppose we'll just have to wait until the old fool returns then. Then we'll see how the great Albus Dumbledore matches up against my master."
"Master?" Padma asked, drawing both of their attention over to her. Harry could have kissed her right then. "Are you into something kinky? Because my sister would be making all sorts of inappropriate jokes right now if she were here."
"You insolent little-"
Spazzy guy made the mistake of pointing his wand at Harry's already bound honey, but it was the last mistake he would ever make.
Harry began with an elbow to the gut, spun around to knock the wand out of the spaz's hand, and then kneed him in the groin. That would teach him to mess with Padma. It was even grosser that a teacher would think he could get away with something like that.
Harry went for his usual method of dealing with problems then and started to punch his enemy in the face. A left jab, a right hook, but before he could really build up to a nice little combo, something odd happened. The stutter returned for just a moment as his face started to burn wherever Harry hit him.
"M-m-master, what is this magic?"
"Fool, kill the boy!" A voice hissed out.
Harry wasn't just waiting around though, he immediately went back to work at punching the Defense teacher in the face. One blow got him right in the eye, and instead of swollen and bruised, it too burnt up, as if it turned to ash just from a touch. His aim was a bit off for the next punch though as his left hand struck the throat, and that too began to burn, crack, and blow away like dust. Quirrell started badly choking and fell to his knees.
Harry hadn't learned any dumb lessons about mercy though, so he was going to make damn sure that his enemy stayed down. A couple more punches followed before he grabbed Quirrell's head in both hands and smashed his knee into it.
What was left of the smoky remains of the spaz collapsed to the ground and then fell apart, almost completely disintegrating. All that was left was an empty set of robes and some grey dust.
Then this black wraith like thing flew away, and Harry turned to check on Padma.
Parvati was already helping her untie the ropes that had bound her.
"Are you alright?" he asked.
"I'm okay," she replied, exhaling and trying to calm her nerves. "Did you just punch Professor Quirrell to death?"
"I guess so," Harry shrugged. "The last time I saw someone go down that fast in a fist fight was when this little jerk that Dudley used to hang out with tried to start some crap at lunch back in primary school. That kid couldn't have been more than fifty pounds soaking wet, but he thought he could bother one of my girlfriends, and I had to teach him a lesson. Sad thing was, I barely tapped him and he collapsed and started crying as if I'd killed his dog or something. I didn't even get to knock any teeth out that time."
"Um, Harry," Parvati began, looking at her boyfriend more than a bit dubiously. "I think you might want to worry about the fact that you could get in a lot of trouble for this. You did just kill one of our teachers."
"He shouldn't have touched one of my girls," Harry growled as he stepped over to Padma and scooped her up in his arms.
"Harry, put me down!" she laughed.
"Nope. Gotta get you to the healer lady and make sure you're alright," he replied with a grin. "Gotta take good care of my honeys, you know?"
"If she keeps arguing, you can carry me instead," Parvati teased. That quieted Padma right down who instead snuggled a little closer as they left the room.
It turned out that the headmaster hadn't been the evil villain (that time) and in fact, he even awarded Harry with one hundred points for his bravery. On top of winning the quidditch cup (because Harry didn't pass out when he faced the spazzy dude, I mean, what kind of wimp would pass out after burning a dude to death- it was one of the coolest things he'd ever seen) Gryffindor won the house cup as well.
Harry also helped with that by pointing out the greaseball's blatant cheating to McG, who started taking off dozens of points for breathing too loudly when the Slytherins showed up one day until the headmaster was forced to intervene. He was trying to relax and enjoy his quaaludes so he told his teachers to sort things out between them, and McG stomped greasy in an impromptu duel that began in the hall right outside his office.
When Parvati told Harry about that gossip, he was really bummed that he had missed seeing it. He asked McG about it, and when she tried to demur, he pressed her by saying that he was interested in learning more about dueling. She ended up 'borrowing' a pensieve from a very distracted headmaster and showing Harry what had happened. McG was not so secretly very fond of her extremely beefy first year, and Harry now knew that he was going to have to work much harder next year to get her a guy. McG was too awesome to not be someone's honey.
And so his first year at Hogwarts came to a close. Hagrid did him a solid by giving Harry a photo album filled with pictures of his parents, whom he had never seen before. His dad clearly didn't lift, but James must have been doing something right because Lily was obviously honey material. It made him sort of retroactively proud to come from such an attractive couple.
Harry rode the train back to the normal world and enjoyed his time with his honeys while he could. It was going to be lame to not get to see them over the summer.
He tried to put that out of mind though because he did have an important meeting coming up soon. He was going to have to go back to a real gym for the first time in months, and he could only hope that he wouldn't disappoint his mentor with what exercise he'd been able to do while away at magic school. Harry had been without any fitness peers for far too long. With luck, Thanos could give him some more good advice because Harry had a feeling that things were only going to get weirder in the years to come.
Author's Note: For those who have enjoyed this silliness, yes I do plan on eventually writing all seven years for Harry. No, I don't have everything planned out yet. I do have a few gags and scenes in mind for the future though.
Also, I'm uncertain if I want Harry's honeys to expand beyond Parvati & Padma, but they will definitely be sticking around. Feel free to leave comments and suggestions.