The Lifting Army goes to war...

It was a Saturday afternoon in the early spring, and the Lifting Army had just finished up working out, leaving the replica of Thicc Daddy's gym behind when Nagini came slithering up to Harry, hissing up a storm.

"That imbecile Tom just won't let me nap in peace!" she complained to him as Harry picked her up and helped her stretch out over his shoulders.

"What's the problem?" he asked.

"I quit working with him after he whined at me to break into the Ministry of Magic," she replied. "It was a nightmare, and now he's doing it again!"

"What do you mean, he's doing it again?"

"He's got those servants of his breaking into the place," she said. "As if they can do a better job than me just because they have hands! Do you have any idea how incompetent those masked fools of his are?"

"I've met Luscious Malfoy, so yeah, I get what you're saying," Harry answered, making sure not to shrug as he knew it would just upset his awesome snake more than she already was.

"Why don't you go deal with them?" Nagini suggested.

"I figured there would be workers that could get in the way. Wouldn't want to get in trouble for the collateral damage, you know what I mean?"

"It's a weekend, Harry." He'd never heard a snake snort before- but he had trouble labeling her snarky reply in any other fashion. "Government workers don't work weekends unless they're getting paid over time. That means the place is empty."

"Shit," he muttered.

"What's with the snake, Harry?" Dean asked.

"She says that old what's his face is trying to break into the Ministry."

"That sounds bad," Seamus said.

"Why?" Ron asked. "Nobody will be there. My dad says that the place empties out every Friday at five o'clock like the building's on fire or something."

"Yeah, but they could try to steal something," Neville suggested.

"Are they trying to steal something, Nagini?"

"Yes, records of the Prophecy."

"I thought you said that thing broke," Harry said.

"The orb broke, but the Unspeakables study the prophecies, so they've got written records about it," she hissed. "That's why Tom had to break his people out of Azkaban- so that he could find out more about the Department of Mysteries from Rookwood."

"That sounds bad," Harry scratched his head for a second, then Nagini shoved her head up against his hand and he scratched her as well. "But, this could be awesome. I could go there and kick some serious butt."

"You could take your army with you," the snake suggested. "Isn't that why you've been preparing them for war?"

"I was mostly just trying to help them not be scrawny dudes," he replied. "But, this chance is too good to pass up."

"Alright, dudes," Harry switched back to English for the non-serpentine dudes. "I'm going to the Ministry of Magic to kick Death Eater butt."

Neville gulped but nodded. "I'm with you, Harry."

"Yeah, Gryffindors never back down from a fight, right?" Seamus added.

"I'm in," Dean agreed.

"I guess I am too," Ron said.

"You're not going without me," Millie smirked as she took the redhead by the arm.

"We'll help too, Harry!" Charlie added, a few of the little dudes chirping in as well. Several of them looked worried, though.

But Harry knew that this was beyond the eleven and twelve year olds, even with all the physical training and Defense lessons he'd given them. Thankfully, he had a sweet idea about how they could be useful without getting them in over their heads.

"Alright, little dudes," he stopped and squatted down. "I've got a special task for you guys. We need to get to the Ministry, but we won't be able to do that if someone like the headmaster tries to cock block us on this. It's almost dinner time, right? So, I need you guys to go down to the Great Hall and start a food fight. It will keep the adults busy so that we can take care of the bad guys. And be sure to get Dumbledore with the first volley of whatever you're throwing- that old dude is dangerous and nutty."

"We can do that!" Cuthbert Macmillan answered.

"Good, then get going."

As the first years ran off, Harry smiled at the sight of his minions running off to do his bidding. He'd never felt so proud.

"How are we going to get to the Ministry?" Dean asked.

"McG's office is on the next floor," he replied. "She's got a floo we can use."

Stepping out into the atrium of the Ministry of Magic, Harry found that it was every bit as empty as Nagini and Ron had said it would be.

"They don't even have a nightwatchman?" Dean asked incredulously.

"Why would they bother?" Ron replied.

"It's the center of the government," Dean threw up his hands in disgust. "How the hell could they leave the entire Ministry of Magic completely unguarded like this?"

"Why would someone want to break in?" Ron countered. "Mate, my dad's worked for the Ministry for more than twenty years. Believe me, this place is boring as hell."

"Let's go find the Death Eaters," Neville cut in. "That's why we're here."

Harry cracked his knuckles and grinned. "I just hope we won't have to search too long."

As they approached the lifts, he spotted a house-elf mopping the floor.

"Hey dude."

"Be careful, sir," the elf answered, pointing to a sign warning them of the wet floor. "What can Quipsy be doing for you?"

"Have you seen any dudes wearing black come in here?"

"Oh, yes sir," Quipsy nodded, his long ears flopping up and down. "Quipsy knew to stay out of the way and didn't start mopping until they were gone."

"Good thinking, little dude," Harry replied. He thought for a second and grinned. "Could you do me a favor and make sure to leave the floor right in front of the lifts wet for awhile after we leave?"

"Of course, sir."

"Thanks, dude."

They all filed into the lift and Ron pushed the button, saying that he knew which floor the Department of Mysteries was on.

"Why leave the floor wet?" Seamus asked.

"I don't want any of those wimps running away," Harry said. "If they try to-"

"Then we can follow and beat the snot out of 'em," Millie said with a wicked grin.

"Exactly, dude," Harry smiled.

Michael Hughes was sorted into Gryffindor for a reason. After Harry Potter had given the first years their assignment, he had decided that he would be the one to start things off, letting the rest of the little dudes spread around the room to maximize the mess.

He picked up a tray of mashed potatoes and then kept walking up to the staff table at the front of the room.

"Professor Dumbledore?"

The headmaster stood up and leaned over the table to look at him. "I've already had some potatoes tonight, but I wouldn't mind a few more, I suppose-"


There was a wonderful splat as the potatoes hit Dumbledore right in the face, plenty of them sticking in his long beard as the room erupted into shouting chaos.

"Which door do we take?" Seamus wondered as they stood in the round room with a dozen options.

Surprisingly, one of them opened at his question.

"Ask and you shall receive," Neville nodded sagely as he stepped through the door into a long, dark hallway.

"Let me take point, bro," Harry said as he stepped to the fore. "I've got the most experience, and a good leader always charges head first into danger."

If there were a couple of snorts behind him, Harry didn't notice.

"There's a door," Ron pointed, one single torch on the wall nearby.

"Cool," Harry said. "Alright dudes. Remember, at a distance, they'll be dangerous, but if you can get up close, we'll stomp these fools. Got it?"

"Got it," Dean agreed.

"A simple plan, but a good one," Millie added.

"Let's get ready to rumble."

Daphne Greengrass was incensed. One of Harry's minions had nearly hit her with a dish of peas.

She hated peas.

That was why she had bound him in ropes and shoved him into the corner of the room. She was going to get answers.

"Where's Harry?" she demanded.

"He's busy," Charlie gulped. By now, he'd heard all the warnings from Harry about this android assassin from the future.

"Then I should go help him, don't you think?" she asked with a glare. "Like a good girlfriend."

"Er... I guess."

"What's going on?" Padma asked as she and her sister had followed them out of the line of fire, wands raised with Shield Charms up to block as much of the flying edible debris.

"Harry's in trouble again," Daphne sighed and then she turned back to the boy. "Where is he?"

"The Ministry of Magic," Charlie answered.

"Of course he is," she muttered before straightening up her posture. "Dobby!"

A small pop heralded the elf's arrival. "What can Dobby do for the Great Harry Potter sir's most terrifying of honeys?"

"I need you to get his sword and his cloak and then take me to the Ministry," she ordered.

"Yes, mistress!" he happily agreed as he left for a moment.

She turned to the twins and quickly kissed Parvati and then Padma. "Don't worry. I'll bring our boyfriend back here in one piece."

"Dobby has Master Harry's sword and cloak!"

A turkey leg came flying towards them, and Daphne halted it in mid flight with a glare. "Remind me to murder McLaggen when I get back. Depulso in rectum!"

With a flick of her wand, the turkey leg went shooting back across the room at the boorish Gryffindor- and unfortunately for him, his back was turned, so he had no defenses prepared for the turkey leg that went under his robes and into a very uncomfortable place.

Ignoring his yelp of pain, Daphne attached the scabbard to a conjured silver belt around her waist and then flung the cloak over her shoulders. "Let's go!"

The twins were left standing there bewildered for a moment after Daphne disappeared.

"That was a nice belt, I'll have to ask her where she'd seen it before," Parvati began.

"Why did she kiss me?" Padma wondered. "I mean, I can understand you, but-"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Parvati demanded.

"I'm not the one who's had a threesome with Harry and the Ice Queen," Padma teased.

"Oh my god!" Lavender squealed behind them, hurrying off to spread that bit of gossip.

"Thanks," Parvati scowled at her sister.

"What?" Padma shrugged. "I'm surprised you hadn't already told her."

The Lifting Army was quietly making their way down two parallel aisles of the Hall of Prophecies, their wands at the ready, with the only light coming from the prophecy orbs that were lit- which was only half of them at most. Harry had Dean and Seamus with him, and they soon heard voices.

"Open the door already, Rookwood."

"The Unspeakables don't merely use simple locking spells," he growled back. "Give me a moment, you bastard."

"I wish there had been some guards on duty," Bellatrix Lestrange said with a pout. "I haven't gotten to torture anyone for two whole days."

"Stay focused," Luscious Malfoy added.

Harry grinned to himself at the fact that none of them were watching out for an ambush. Silly henchmen- old what's his face clearly hadn't recruited very well.

"Percello Pluro!"

Harry's spell flew into the group of Death Eaters, knocking most of them off their feet and he bellowed out, "Charge!"

The rest of the LA, being not completely insane, fired disarming spells to remove the wands from as many of their enemies as possible while Harry leapt at Rookwood, smashing him into the door he'd been studying and then proceeding to bash his head three times before the man went limp.

As a curse shot past her, Millie was next to make it into close quarters fighting, her wand conjuring a set of spiked brass knuckles as she tackled one man who was trying to get back to his feet. Two blows had knocked his mask off, blood flying as well, and she gave him a wicked smile. "Hello, uncle!"

She pummeled him repeatedly, and if Harry had seen it he would have been incredibly proud- a large number of broken teeth were soon lying on the floor.

"I guess," she smashed his face again, "I won't," and again, "see you at my birthday party."

A gurgle was his only response.

Meanwhile, Neville had drawn out a set of shears he used in Herbology and shoved them into the side of Rabastan Lestrange. Seeing the blood pool around him on the dark floor, he lost his composure for only a second, but it cost him.


Bellatrix was laughing behind him.

"If only my husband were here so you could have completed the set! Ha! But you should never let your guard down, boy!"

A wheeze escaped her as a booted foot had rocketed up between her legs, the force of the blow leaving her groaning as she fell to her knees.

"That goes for you too, bitch!" Millie said as she plucked Bellatrix's wand from her hand, snapping it in half and tossing the pieces aside. "She's all yours, Neville."

He had regained his feet and had his wand pointing at her. "This is for my parents."

Bright green light followed.

"Where is he?" Daphne asked as they landed in a dark hallway.

Dobby pointed to lights flickering in the distance. "That way, scary assassin mistress."

"Good," she nodded as she dashed off towards the battle.

Finding Harry surrounded by four men, she let out a howl of anger and sailed through the air at the closest target, her foot connecting with the back of his head. Using her momentum, she popped back into the air with a butterfly kick sending another man to the ground.

"Here!" she removed the scabbard and tossed the sword to Harry.

He unsheathed it with a grin, and used a two-handed slash to cleave into one more Death Eater. "Good timing, babe."

With a roundhouse kick, Daphne took the last man to the floor, and two sharp chops to the throat later, the target was neutralized.

"Make sure not to take it out on any of our dudes," Harry said. "I mean, uh... friend or foe targeting programming, engage please."

She raised an eyebrow and glared at him. "Are you making fun of me?"

"Of course not," he replied.

He was just worried about her circuitry getting knocked out of whack in the middle of all the carnage.

Meanwhile, Ron Weasley had found himself up against a large, muscular Death Eater by the name of Thorfinn Rowle, the only man in the group who towered over the lanky redhead. Even with the strength he'd gained over the last few months, he found himself out matched as Rowle had him pinned to the ground and was trying to choke him to death.

Grabbing his broken wand from the floor next to them, Ron shoved the shard of wood into Rowle's stomach, but he still wasn't free from the huge man's grasp.

A blur slammed into Rowle's side, and Ron rolled as well while the Death Eater flew off of him.

"Don't!" Mille slammed her first into Rowle's face.

"Ever!" A jab from her left hand followed.

"Touch!" Then her right again.

"MY BOYFRIEND!" She brought both of them down with a sickening crunch.

Ron had managed to get back to his feet and went over to check on her, seeing only Harry and Daphne still in combat as they followed a couple of Death Eaters who had the good sense to retreat.


She had a fierce look as she hopped up. "Are you okay?"

He rubbed at his sore throat for a second. "Yeah, I think so. Let's check on the others."

"Did you see who it was that we're chasing?" Daphne asked as they took a lift up.

"I'm pretty sure Luscious Malfoy was one of them."

"Good, I hate the Malfoys," she replied, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "They give us blondes a bad name."

"True," Harry agreed. "Oh, by the way, be careful when we get out. There was a house-elf mopping in the lobby when we went down."

"Alright." She took a step back to the far wall.

He sheathed his sword and took a couple of deep breaths. "I'm glad you're on my side, babe. Those were some slick moves."

"Thank you."

The door slid open a moment later and Daphne put on a burst of speed before leaping out of the lift, sailing over the wet floor towards the two Death Eaters. Luscious Malfoy had managed to keep her feet and was nearing the floos to escape.

"Get back here, Luscious!" Harry called out. "I owe you for all the creepy flirtation, ya perv!"

"Next time, Potter!" she sneered as she vanished in the green flames.


Dolohov, one of the more dangerous Death Eaters, had knocked Daphne aside when she tried to hit him with a roundhouse kick, and she was rolling back to a crouching position when a dark purple curse missed just a couple of inches to her left. She narrowed her stance and returned fire with a cutting curse that collided with something orange from his wand, both of them leaving gashes and burns on the floor.

Harry turned around and joined Daphne as they flanked Dolohov, a barrage of spells flying towards him as he conjured up a brick wall. But Harry was on the prowl as well, using the momentary defense to move in for the kill, leaping over the wall and driving his sword through the startled man's chest as he tackled him to the ground.

"That's why you don't mess with my honeys."

There was a gross squelch as he pulled his blade free, but Harry's attention was soon drawn to the cries of his awesome android assassin.


The snake-faced bastard himself had shown up, his wand pointed at Daphne as she writhed in pain.

"You motherfucker! Confringo!"

Harry's Blasting Curse was enough to end the Cruciatus, but that only meant a number of spells were then sent his way. He put everything he had into a Shield Charm and ran forward behind it. Knowing he had the physical advantage, all he wanted to do was get in reach of the bad guy and then wreck his shit.

However, seeing his foe's plan, old what's his face sent a Killing Curse at Harry.

He tried to parry it with his sword, and while the spell was intercepted, the blade snapped in two. And that just made him mad.

Harry slammed into the Dark Lord with his shoulder and used the broken sword to hack off his right arm.

Snake face hissed in pain as Harry began to heft him into the air.


They both fell over as the spell connected, Harry groaning while his enemy regained his feet and conjured a silver appendage to replace the one he'd lost.

For some reason, right at that moment, an enormous crowd swooped into the Ministry of Magic. Aurors, reporters, camera men, and even Fudge himself all came out staring and shouting at the return of the Dark Lord.

"Until next time, Harry Potter," he hissed before disappearing with a crack.

"Ugh," Harry muttered as he crawled over to Daphne.

She blinked open her eyes and looked up at him. "That was unpleasant."

"Yeah," he muttered. "Are you alright? I mean, are you still functioning properly."

"I'll be alright." Daphne forced herself to her feet. "Let's get back to Hogwarts."

"Crap, I missed dinner," Harry grumbled.

"I'm sure we can talk the house-elves into feeding the heroes of the day," she grinned.

The Patils were waiting for them when they returned to the school, and they were all soon down in the kitchens eating a late meal.

"I can't believe I blew it," Harry sighed.

"What do you mean?" Parvati asked.

"I went for a finishing move before I had the enemy's health down low enough." He shook his head. "Such a rookie move. Thicc Daddy's gonna be pissed."

"I'm just glad you all came back safe," Padma replied.

"Bummer about my sword too," he muttered. Dobby had taken the two pieces off to see if he could find someone to repair a broken blade, but Harry wasn't feeling too hopeful.

"Greengrass really came in just at the right time," Dean said.

"Yeah, how'd you do all that?" Seamus asked.

Daphne shrugged. "I know kung fu."

Harry just smiled to himself. He wasn't going to out her in public, but he knew that having the most dangerous and sexy android on his side was pretty cool. Now he just had to hope that Skynet didn't send back one of those shapeshifter liquid metal guys to help out Luscious Malfoy and his weird looking boss. Because those dudes were a pain in the ass to kill.

But overall, it had been a good fight.

Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed the battle!

While it might not exactly fit canon, the Unspeakables are said to study the prophecies, so wouldn't they have records of them? Because a giant warehouse full of orbs that just sit there gathering dust and not ever being examined doesn't make much sense to me.

One more chapter to wrap up year 5 I think. Till next time... :)