Year 6: The Plot Strikes Back!
Author's Note: Happy Harry Potter Day! Hope you enjoy a little more of this silliness!
Daphne went over her appearance one last time in the mirror before heading downstairs. Everything looked perfect, naturally, as she met her family who were awaiting Harry's arrival.
"Did he say he would use the floo?" her mother asked.
"No, I do not believe his residence is connected," she replied.
"I wonder if he'll take the Knight Bus then," Astoria mused. "I've heard that he lives with muggles."
"We'll find out soon enough, I suppose," her father grumpily muttered.
"Be nice, Cyrus," Evelyn Greengrass scolded. "I'm sure he'll be under enough pressure with meeting his girlfriend's family, so he won't need your bad attitude making things worse."
Astoria snorted and tried to warn her parents. "Um, I don't think that will-"
Harry appeared at that moment with a pop, a house-elf holding onto his leg as they arrived. "Thanks, little dude."
"Dobby is happy to help, greatest of dudes."
Astoria was already giggling as the elf vanished.
Daphne merely gave him a once over, her eyes scanning his outfit and wondering how much better or worse this could be. He was wearing nice black trousers and a button up shirt, which was good- but he had left a few buttons undone to show off his chest muscles and his sleeves were rolled up above the elbow to show off his forearms. Daphne licked her lips subconsciously.
She supposed she should be grateful that he hadn't torn off the sleeves for once.
"Hey babe," he grinned as he strode over and swept her into his arms and proceeded to kiss her nearly senseless.
A couple of coughs finally brought her around and Daphne pulled back and frowned at him. "I don't believe that was the proper action for this situation, Harry."
"I haven't seen you for a couple of weeks," he shrugged. "I couldn't help myself."
Daphne's ears were burning as her mum started to giggle behind her. "At least you're dressed almost passably for this evening."
"Parvati fussed over me for like an hour or more before I came over," Harry complained. "She finally gave me the okay, even though she wouldn't let me show off the guns for some weird reason."
"I see," Daphne said flatly. She supposed she would have to thank her for the effort. "Allow me to introduce you to my family. This is my father, Cyrus, and my mother, Evelyn. You are no doubt already aware of my brat of a little sister, Astoria."
The two men shook hands for a moment and Daphne raised an eyebrow at noticing her father trying to squeeze a little intimidation through his grip. It might have worked better if not for the fact that Harry had at least three inches and fifty pounds on the older man.
"It's wonderful to get to meet you, Harry." Her mum skipped right to a hug as she smiled and then took his arm to start slowly leading him towards the dining room. "Daphne hasn't told us nearly enough about you, so I'm very happy to get a chance to know you."
"That sounds cool," he smiled back at her. "I'm sure you've probably heard some things about me through the paper."
"Yes, but you never know how much you can believe, especially when Rita Skeeter is involved," Evelyn said. "She seems to like you for some reason, though."
"I think the Thicc Daddy gave me a good recommendation when she interviewed him," Harry answered. "But I think she's mostly been right about stuff that I've seen. I don't always read the stories, but Padma and Parvati always do. And Granger used to- she'd get this funny look on her face and then start calling me names..."
Harry smiled widely. "Ah, the good old days."
"So, tell me something else about yourself," Evelyn suggested. "Something that I couldn't read in the papers."
"Well, I like to work out, but you can probably already tell that." He scratched his head for a moment. "Oh, I know. I got to be a prefect last year and it was awesome; I had these little minions to follow my lead and stuff. That was more fun than I thought it would be- I taught my little dudes how to exercise and how to play rugby. Oh, and I taught them some stuff for Defense. The professor had me run several lessons for him with the firsties."
"You were a tutor?" Evelyn asked.
"Kinda," he shrugged. "Defense is the most fun class we've got. It's all about learning how to stomp your enemies and any little nasty monsters that try to cause problems too."
"In spite of his appearance, Harry is the top of our year in Defense," Daphne added. She wondered how she was going to retrieve her consort from her mother's clutches.
"That's wonderful!" Evelyn patted his arm as they found the table full of food, and she positively beamed as he pulled out her chair. "Look at what a gentleman you are."
Harry shrugged as he hurried over to Daphne's side and pulled hers out as well, not seeing how she glared at her mum. "The food looks good."
"I hope you're hungry," Evelyn chuckled. "Wimsy has been cooking all afternoon."
"That's great," he said as he gazed at the roast in the center of the table. "I could use some protein. I only got a quick lunch earlier today."
They all found out exactly what he meant as Harry piled the meat high on his plate in a veritable mountain of beef.
"You really are hungry," Evelyn said uncomfortably as he began to eat.
"It takes work to keep Harry's physique as impressive as it is," Daphne said as she slid her left hand under the table and squeezed his thigh. One way or another she was going to get some private time with him as soon as possible.
He devoured another bite, wiped his mouth with a napkin, and grinned. "I'm still a growing boy."
"So, what do you plan to do with yourself after Hogwarts, Potter?" her father asked.
"I dunno," he shrugged. "I've got to finish off what's his face one of these days and all those dudes who follow him and stuff. I don't know if that will be over before I graduate. Other than that, I'll probably travel the world a bit, winning strong man competitions and fighting monsters and stuff. And whatever my honeys want to do too."
He turned to Daphne. "What do you want to do?"
"I want to be Minister of Magic."
Astoria giggled and piped up, "I think she just wants to tell people what to do. She'd rather be queen if she could."
Harry nodded and winked at Daphne. "I'd vote for you, babe."
"You're not worried about her becoming even more... how she is?" Astoria asked.
"Daphne's mission doesn't seem to cause me any problems so far," Harry smiled. "And if she does bring about a robot apocalypse, well, that will just give me new bad guys to wreck."
Evelyn tried to hide a snort. "I think it sounds like you'll be good for my daughter, Harry."
"What about this consort business?" Cyrus asked with a glare. "Do you have anything to say about all that- and all these other women you associate with?"
"Hey, whatever Daphne's down for," he replied. "It's probably easier if all my honeys don't want to get married. I don't know how we'd pull off a wedding with that many people in it."
Astoria laughed. "It would be worth it to see the chaos it would cause."
"Maybe, but I'd want my wedding to go off without a hitch," Harry answered. "Wouldn't want there to be anything to mess up the wedding night, ya know?"
Evelyn covered her face with her napkin, trying and failing to hide her amusement. "Of course not, Harry. But if you and Daphne do decide to make things permanent some day, perhaps we could do some sort of bonding ceremony? Maybe something smaller, with just a few friends and family?"
"I'll leave all that sort of thing to the ladies," he shrugged. "I figure my job will just be to show up and look ruggedly handsome."
"And you're still set on this boy, Daphne?" her father asked, frowning at the situation.
"Harry's fame would help me in my political aspirations," she said. "On top of that, he should be able to produce powerful, attractive children. Not to mention, this thing he does with his tongue is..."
Cyrus Greengrass spit out his drink. That was why Daphne had said it, so she smirked to herself happily. He scowled at her. "That's way too much information."
Evelyn reached over and patted her hand. "You can tell me later, in private."
She normally wouldn't offer too much praise to her occasionally overbearing (and far too amused) mother, but when the teasing was sent her father's way, Daphne couldn't help but smile.
Harry would end up greatly enjoying his trip to meet the Greengrasses because he had brought along his time turner and invisibility cloak, and thus he and Daphne had some private fun in a different part of the house while they had eaten dinner.
Thankfully, Daphne did not forget the privacy charms.
Thicc Daddy pulled Harry aside one day when he was working out at the gym.
"Later today, you and I are going to take a little trap," Thanos said. "You will have to cut things a bit short. Be prepared to leave at three o'clock."
"Where are we going, dude?"
"Perhaps we should call it an adventure," Thanos chuckled darkly. "To our destinies, Harry."
"Do you have your cloak with you?"
"No," Harry frowned. "Why would I need that at the gym? I'm not so desperate that I'd try to peek in the ladies' showers or something."
"We will have to stop and pick it up on the way then," Thanos replied.
"I could just have Dobby grab it," Harry suggested.
"Do that when it's time to go."
With his cloak in hand, Harry, Dobby, and Thanos arrived in a small clearing in a wooded area right in front of a very rundown old shack. It had a corpse of a snake nailed to the front door.
"What a dump," Harry snorted. "I'm glad I didn't bring Nagini here; she'd be annoyed by the decorations."
"Dobby would have to spend much time fixing this place up before it could even begin to be cleaned," the house elf added.
"I don't think it would be worth it, little dude."
Thanos raised the Infinity Gauntlet and grinned as the gems started to glow. "Finally. The time has come."
"Huh?" Harry started to ask what he meant when he noticed the breeze had died. Looking up, he saw the clouds seemed still, and he even spotted a bird paused in mid flight. There was an eerie silence as well. "Dude, what's the big deal?"
"Now is the time of destiny, Harry. Yours... and then mine."
"Um..." he looked around again at the squalid surroundings. "This seems kinda lame. Couldn't my destiny be in front of a packed stadium full of fans instead? Or at least with a film crew or something?"
Thanos chuckled. "Sometimes it is the moments of quiet and solitude that matter just as much, if not more. Do you know much about prophecies?"
"We went over them in Divination briefly, but..." he shrugged. "I really only like the parts of that class where I get to fool around with Parvati in some way."
"There have been a few prophecies thought to be about you," the Thicc Daddy began to explain. "One of which happened before your birth. Tom Riddle, or Voldemort if you prefer, learned part of it and sat out to destroy you before you could grow up to be a threat to him. Unfortunately for him, doing so was not the correct course of action as it merely validated the prophecy rather than averting it."
"Okay," Harry nodded. "So..."
"However, that was only the first and the closest," Thanos continued. "There was another prophecy, one which I discovered, that led me to come to this world and specifically to find you. To make sure that you were raised right. And this prophecy spoke of your destiny of becoming the Master of Death."
"Indeed," Thanos chuckled. "And important. Do you know why I have done so much to gather the Infinity Gems and create this Gauntlet? It was all for the Lady Death. She is magnificent, and I sought to make her mine. But then, I found the prophecy about you, and I realized I could do things another way."
Harry frowned. "So... what are we doing here today?"
"First, you shall claim your birthright. The other two Deathly Hallows. Unite them with your family's cloak." Thanos raised his gloved hand and pointed at the shack. "Inside, you will find Albus Dumbledore about to make a grave mistake. By stopping him, you can save his life as well as gathering the stone and wand. Cloak yourself, go inside, and immobilize the headmaster in some way. I will follow and advise."
Harry threw the cloak over his shoulders and disappeared. This sounded like it would be pretty easy.
He crept inside through the ajar front door and spotted Dumbledore bent over a hole in the floor.
"Ariana," the headmaster whispered.
Thankfully for Harry, the disarming charm was the first he'd mastered silently. McG had recommended it for a number of reasons- and Harry's physical prowess would mean he would be at a huge advantage over wizards who lost their wands. For an old dude like Dumbledore, it wouldn't even be close to fair.
As the wand went sailing out of his hand, Albus turned around and looked for whoever had interrupted him only for a fist to appear. The resulting uppercut knocked him out as he fell flat on his back.
"Piece of cake," Harry said as he clapped his hands and removed the cloak.
"Excellent," Thanos replied. "Allow me to take care of the next problem. It wouldn't do for me to allow my protege to pick up a nasty curse, now would it?"
As he chuckled, the Power Gem glowed and Harry saw a ring with a black stone in it lying in the hole the headmaster had been staring at. The ring gave off a brief, high-pitched shriek and then a crack as the stone fell out of its setting.
"Hold onto your cloak and pick up the stone, Harry," Thanos instructed and then pointed over to the headmaster's wand laying on the floor. "Lastly, pick up the wand."
"Okay," he shrugged and did as the Thicc Daddy asked. A strange feeling passed through him once all three items were in his hands. "What was that?"
"There have been seekers in this world looking for the three Deathly Hallows for the last several centuries," Thanos replied. "The myths say that whoever reunites all three of Death's Hallows would become the Master of Death. And in this case, the myths are correct."
"I'm going to become a necromancer?" Harry scratched behind his ear. "I don't think that really fits my whole persona very well, dude."
"No," Thanos laughed. "The Master of Death has power over the Lady Death herself. That means you can summon her and have her do your bidding."
"I don't think I want her to kill my enemies for me," Harry argued. "That would be way too easy."
"That was not what I was going to suggest. If you will have her accept my offer of courting, then I shall trade you..." Thanos held up his golden glove. "The Infinity Gauntlet."
Harry frowned. "You did all this to try to find a honey?"
"Lady Death is so far beyond mortal women, Harry," the Thicc Daddy replied.
"A cosmic honey?" Harry shrugged. "Okay, that sounds fair."
He looked down at the three items in his hands and rolled them around a bit. "Um... Death, could you come here please?"
A chill in the air followed as shadows darkened and a tall, cloaked figure appeared.
"Yes, master?" a scratchy voice answered.
"Hi!" Harry smiled. "This is my mentor, the Thicc Daddy."
"Thanos," Death hissed. "I should have known you would be here."
"I am nothing if not determined, my Lady," Thanos bowed. "I once again ask for your hand."
"After I rejected the interdimensional dick pics you sent me, I had hoped you would give up on this mad crusade," Death replied with a grumble. "But, I suppose they do call you the Mad Titan for a reason."
"Would you have preferred for me to slaughter trillions upon trillions of life forms to gain your attention?" Thanos asked.
"Of course not, that would just make a huge mess for all of us to try to clean up," Death said, and Harry wondered if she had eyes to roll hidden under that hood- because it definitely sounded like she would be doing so. "It would also be foolish beyond belief on a number of levels. And for your purposes, it would have made me far too busy to date for eons to come."
"Then you should be glad I came up with a simpler plan," Thanos countered before turning to Harry. "I'll even sweeten the pot. I know you don't like scavenger hunts, and I can assure you the one Dumbledore would have sent you on would have been annoying as hell. Therefore."
He snapped his fingers and Harry got the worst migraine of his life as the Soul Gem began to glow. Mercifully, it only lasted for a minute before it faded.
"Slivers of a mutilated soul, all removed from their hiding spots," Thanos explained as Harry rubbed his forehead and looked up at him. "Now, the next time you face your foe, he shall be mortal and you can claim a true victory over him."
"Cool," Harry nodded.
"I do appreciate not having that small mess to clean up," Death admitted.
"You're welcome, babe," Thanos grinned at her.
"Right, so..." Harry turned to Death. "So, my bro here wants to take you out on some dates and stuff. Give him a chance, and I think you'll find he's a cool dude to hook up with. Alright?"
Death grumbled. "As you wish, Master."
Thanos took her skeletal hand and kissed it. "I shall make it very worth your while, my dear."
The Thicc Daddy passed over the Infinity Gauntlet and patted Harry on the shoulder. "Take care, Harry. And be sure to stomp your enemy extra hard for me."
"Later dude," he replied as Death and Thanos disappeared. He looked down at the huge golden glove. "It is really blinged out, but I'm not sure if it's me."
"Maybe the Great Harry Potter sir Dude should make a crown," Dobby suggested. "Then all would bow down before Emperor Harry the Magnificent!"
"I don't know," Harry muttered. "Crowns seem kinda old fashioned. How about a big fat medallion?"
"Medallions are very macho!" Dobby agreed. "Especially if they are the size of a hubcap!"
"Ohhh," Dumbledore groaned from the floor. He struggled to sit up as he rubbed his jaw. That was when he spotted Harry and all of the powerful artifacts in his hands. "I missed out on something, didn't I?"
"Yeah, but there was a really nasty Withering Curse on the ring and you'd be about halfway dead by now if I didn't interrupt you," Harry replied.
"How do you know that?"
Harry frowned. "I don't know. Maybe the Mind Gem is helping me out. Something about horcruxes too... but the Thicc Daddy took care of those before he went off on his date."
Dumbledore sighed. "I think I'm going to need something strong to take the edge off. Fawkes?"
The phoenix appeared and dropped a bag of marijuana into his hands. "Ah, thank Merlin!"
Harry looked over at Dobby, who shrugged. "Okay, well, I guess you're going to need a new wand too, dude. I'll see you later."
Harry and Dobby disappeared with a pop as Albus began to roll a joint. He looked over at his old friend. "Can I get a light?"
Fawkes let out a little squawk before a tiny flame sparked and Dumbledore inhaled deeply. He then leaned over and offered a hit to the phoenix. "You know I always share the kind bud with you."
Fawkes nodded as he exhaled the smoke. That was the main reason why he still hung out with the crazy old man, after all.