Punching the Plot in the Face!


Parvati sat down and sighed while her sister scowled on the seat opposite her. "Are you going to be mad all day?"

"I'm worried about him," Padma answered. "Aren't you?"

"This is Harry you're talking about," she shrugged. "I'm more surprised that you haven't gotten used to him by now."

The door to their cabin opened and Daphne peeked inside before frowning. "Where's Harry?"

"He told us not to wait for him because he's got something big planned for today," Padma said as she crossed her arms. "Who knows what sort of mayhem that will be?"

"Fascinating," Daphne replied as she sat down next to Parvati. "I hope it will be something productive at least, especially if I'm going to miss out on fooling around with him on the train."

"He'll just have to make it up to us later," Parvati agreed with a wink.

Padma rolled her eyes. "Yes, because that's my primary concern."

"It should be," Daphne stated as she tilted her head. "I would think it would improve your mood and help relieve stress- which could be even worse after you go to the Prefects meeting."

"Fine, I'll be back later," Padma said as she got up and opened the door. "But if Harry gets into trouble or hurts himself today, I'm going to tell you all I said so."

There was a moment of silence after she left and Parvati started to chuckle. "I feel bad for my sister in a way."

"What do you mean?"

"She's been stuck in the serious role for too long," Parvati smiled. "Always thinking that one of us needs to worry over Harry because of all the crazy things that happen. But it's much easier- and more fun- to just sit back and go with the flow. I realized that after seeing what happened with the dragon during the Triwizard Tournament."

Daphne nodded. "That is understandable. Harry is quite capable- I wouldn't have been interested in him otherwise."

"I guess so," Parvati said.

"I think I'll give Padma a massage when she gets back."

"Ooh, why is she getting so lucky?" Parvati teased.

Daphne, unflappable as usual, merely smirked. "Well, it will help her to relax, and then she'll owe me a favor."

"And that favor will be?"

"Your family's eventual help for my campaign to become the Minister of Magic," Daphne said. "It's going to be years away, but I like to plan for the future."

Parvati giggled. "All that for a massage?"

"I learned a new skill this summer," Daphne replied. "With Harry's physical exertions, it seemed like a good way to butter him up, but I may as well use it on Padma too."

"Can you show me?" Parvati asked. She would never turn down a massage.

"Depends on the favor you'll owe me." Daphne raised an eyebrow.

"What do you want?"

"Hmmm..."


Harry made sure his sword and sheath were firmly attached as he checked his appearance in the mirror one last time. "Are you sure you've got the plan down, Dobby?"

"Yes, Dobby has everything down for today's Greatest of All Days!"

"And the packing won't be a problem? Or take too long?"

The house-elf bobbed his head back and forth. "Dobby has mucho skils for packing up all the clothes. And Dobby has taken old mistress to her vacation home before many times."

"Alright dude," Harry answered as he picked up his wand. "I'll see you on the other side then. And be careful of any bad dudes you may run into today."

"Dobby will smash them all to pieces!" he cried out as he raised his tiny fist.

"Sounds good. Later, little dude!"

There was a pop as Dobby left and Harry nodded to himself as he reached down to touch his totally awesome medallion, activating the Space Gem.


"Oh, gods yes!"

Hermione Granger was in a foul mood, and the sounds she heard coming from the compartment she had just passed weren't helping any. Padma had said that Harry wasn't on the train that day, but judging from the audio evidence, she had lied.

Banging on the door, she said, "I know you're in there, and I can hear what you're doing!"

Parvati cracked it open with a giggle. "You can come in, I guess."

Inside Lavender was sitting on one side with a magazine and Parvati rejoined her. Opposite them sat Padma and Greengrass, who was massaging her shoulders. Blushing, Padma moaned and said, "Sorry about the noise, Hermione."

"Not what you were expecting to see, Granger?" Daphne asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Maybe she wanted to peep on something more exciting," Lavender teased.

"Harry's really not here?" Hermione muttered.

"No, but he promised he'd meet us at school," Parvati said with a shrug. "It gives us a little more girl time."

"Oh."

"You could join us if you want," Lavender suggested.

"No, I shouldn't," Hermione replied. "I should get back to my rounds."

"Alright then."


Padma snorted once the door had closed and her sister had put up a privacy charm. "She was hoping to catch Harry and one of us in a compromising position."

"Did you know she learned the silencing charm two years early?" Lavender asked.

"I'm glad she did really," Parvati answered. "I'd rather not have to hear her moaning Harry's name."

"She's too uptight," Lavender added wistfully. "We should totally try to play matchmaker with her again this term."

"Yes, but who to pick?"

"Maybe Justin?" Lavender offered.

"From Hufflepuff?" Parvati asked.

"He's tall and rich."

"And a muggleborn," Daphne added. "They might have a bit more in common than she would with one of the Slytherin boys, as an example."

"We'll give it a shot," Padma agreed. "But we'll have to make sure he's single."

"Yeah, Hufflepuff girls can get scarily territorial," Parvati said with a grin.


Meanwhile, Harry arrived in Eastern Europe and noticed the sun trying to peek through the clouds. A large shape dove down from the sky and landed in front of him.

"Hey there, Sheila," he smiled at his 'pet' dragon, the Hungarian Horntail from the first task. She was still wearing his giant collar. "How's my girl doing today?"

The dragon bowed her head slightly and then raised it up, blasting fire high above them.

"Nice," Harry said as he stepped forward and scratched under her chin. "How would you like to go with me into a mighty battle, to slay our pitiful foes and show them who's the best dragon around?"

Sheila snorted out the draconic version of a chuckle. This demon in human skin suggested violence, and since this time none of it was directed at her she did the rational thing. She nodded and lowered her long neck so he could climb on.

"Let's go wreck some chumps."


Lucius Malfoy sat down and sighed as he prepared for the Dark Lord to appear for that day's meeting. Snape slinked into the room and joined him at the very long table. "Severus, do you have any idea what this is about?"

"I was at Hogwarts preparing for the fall term when I was summoned," Snape answered. "Your home is our Lord's headquarters, and thus I would assume you would know more than I do in this situation."

"Unfortunately not," he said as he leaned back in his chair and a few others began to take their places. It wasn't as crowded as it had been before that awful day at the Ministry just a few months prior. While escaping with his life had been a bonus, leaving behind Bellatrix, Voldemort's favorite pet maniac, had resulted in a punishment of which the memory still brought out a shudder.

At least Draco was away at Hogwarts for the next several months.

Voldemort glided into the room and took the chair at the head of the table. "I see you've all arrived finally. Perhaps we should begin by discussing why this meeting was called, shall we?"

The various servants all hastily agreed.

"So then, Severus..." Voldemort turned his red gaze upon the newest Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. "What can you tell me of Dumbledore's actions this summer?"

"He has seemed a bit morose for the last couple of weeks or so," Snape answered. "I heard some mutterings about getting his buzz harshed, but nothing definitive. Knowing Albus, that could be related to just about anything."

"That is all you have?" he hissed.

"For now, my lord," Snape said. "With the school year about to begin, I believe I should be able to find more information about Potter soon, and hopefully-"

"Not good enough!" Voldemort stood and swooped around the table, wand raised. "Crucio!"

All Lucius could think as he watched the man next to him was 'at least it's not me.'

"For a supposedly loyal spy, Severus, you have brought me precious little useful intelligence," Voldemort said once he released the spell. "I will expect better results, and soon, before my patience wears out."

"What the?"

The startled cry from a Death Eater at the other end of the room drew eyes towards the windows and a terrified squeak was all that was heard from Wormtail as a rat disappeared under the table. Something huge was flying right towards them.

All too late, Lucius was drawing his wand as the shape became recognizable as a dragon- and it was headed right for them.


A minute earlier...

"Now remember," Harry yelled over the rushing wind as they emerged from the clouds. "We make a big entrance, then you set things on fire and take watch, circling overhead to pick off any stragglers that try to escape. But try to leave their heads if you can. I don't think greasy wizards would taste very good anyway."

Sheila snorted as they flew towards their target. Humans tasted a lot better after being roasted for a while anyway, so she'd probably just burn them and use her tail to swat any enemies that were particularly annoying.

"Here we go!"


Somehow, it felt like the heat of the flames reached them first, even as they melted the glass windows before the dragon's head crashed through, sending shards flying everywhere. Several Death Eaters were soon on fire.

And leaping head first into the middle of the chaos was Harry Potter. Wand in one hand, Gryffindor's sword resized to look more like a Scottish Claymore in the opposite, and both of them immediately launching into violence. A slash here, a curse there, and bodies were soon dropping.

Snape may have been the first casualty. Still suffering from the effects of the torture curse, he'd had no chance to reach for his wand before the dragon's flaming breath set his greasy hair on fire.

Seeing that had briefly saved Malfoy's life, who dove under the table as the destruction rained down.

"Potter!" Voldemort hissed as his wand had been more than fast enough to block the fire and shrapnel.

"Snake thing!" Harry called back cheerfully as he decapitated another Death Eater.

"Avada-"

The Dark Lord's killing curse was cut off as a very large spiked tail smashed into his side, knocking him over and sending his wand flying.

"Hey now, Sheila!" Harry yelled. "Don't take all my fun!"

Malfoy peeked out and saw that things were going very poorly for his side. The fact that there had been scarcely more than a dozen of his comrades left had not been good- especially as that number now looked to be in the single digits and falling.

Rapidly.

The dragon let loose another blast of flames and two more caught fire, one of them just a moment after Potter had slashed his wand arm off at the elbow.

Screams were everywhere and Lucius thought to himself how lucky his wife had been to decide to go out shopping that afternoon.

He never heard the errant curse that struck him in the back and left him bleeding on the floor.


Narcissa sighed as she sipped on her Mojito and relaxed on the couch of the Black family house on the French Riviera. It was a little too stormy outside to head for the beach, but Dobby had packed up all her things and she soon felt like returning to her smutty muggle romance novel.

Luscious,as Harry had called her soon to be ex-husband, had made his bed, but she certainly wasn't going to go down with him. Now she just had to figure out a way to try to keep her son from following too far in his father's footsteps.

She'd write a letter that evening and try to get Draco to see reason. But for that moment, Fabio had a Savage Promise still to keep.


There was a snapping sound as Harry stepped on the bony wrist of the weird snake thing as it had tried to reach for its wand. Harry pinned its arm to the floor with his awesome sword and picked up the wand. "You know, that one creepy wand dude told me we had brother wands. But because you're such a bitch, I never got a chance to have any siblings, so..."

Harry broke the yew wand in half and tossed it into the still burning table behind him.

"I'll kill you, Potter, if it's the last thing I do," Voldemort hissed as he tried to remove the sword.

"You talk a lot, so I think it's time you learned a very important lesson," Harry grinned as he made a fist.

"Teeth!"

Voldemort's head snapped back as the first blow smashed into his jaw.

"Are!"

Another blow sent his two top incisors flying.

"A!"

Harry decided to throw a left hook in for flavor, knocking a back molar down Voldemort's throat and making him start to choke.

"PRIVILEGE!"

An uppercut followed his bellow, sending the Dark Lord flat on his back as he was knocked unconscious.

Harry exhaled as he saw no stirring from the creepy abomination. He scanned the room looking for any more targets and saw no one else still standing. "Probably for the best if I make sure."

Moving between the downed figures, Harry strode sword in hand and took their heads off. He assumed the Ministry could use those as identification and Sheila could roast the rest of the bodies. She'd probably built up an appetite with her role in the battle, and Harry was going to make sure to take good care of all his pets.

Speaking of which, his beautiful snowy owl named Sammie swooped in through the destroyed windows and landed on his shoulder. She had something small and furry in her beak.

"If you were bringing me a trophy, I appreciate the thought," he told her. "But I've probably got enough already."

Golden eyes glared at him before she spit the offender onto the floor. The unconscious animagus shifted back into his human form. "Oh, Wormtail. Right, Sirius would be annoyed if this douchebag got away. Good job, girl. I'll be sure you get plenty of bacon once we're back at school."

Sammie hooted and flew off his shoulder.

Continuing his stroll around the room, Harry came upon Luscious with a pool of blood under her left side. He sighed and did his best to close the wound. "Hey, Luscious. Are you still with me?"

Slapping the strumpet's face did no good, so he felt for a pulse. It seemed he had been too late.

Harry stood back up and shook his head. "Even for a creepy skank, my honor wouldn't have allowed me to kill a woman like you, Luscious. I'm sorry you felt you had to become a woman of the night and serve such a disgusting pimp like the snake dude. RIP lady."

He sighed again and picked up the pimp cane she had used as a wand. Maybe it would help give Draco some solace if he had his mum's wand? Harry didn't want to be too cruel to the little dweeb after all- it was just way too easy to kick his butt during normal circumstances. And he had already burned down a large chunk of his house that day.

"Well, let's get this over with," Harry muttered to himself as he stalked back over to snake face. He flipped the evil dude over and smashed a few vertebrae. It would either hurt like hell or leave the gross monster paralyzed, and either way, Harry would have him hog tied soon.


The students were just waiting for the sorting ceremony at Hogwarts so they could eat when Parvati noticed something flying over the school.

"Oh, Harry," she sighed fondly, knowing this was likely tied to his big surprise. "What am I going to do with you?"

"What do you mean?" Lavender asked just before the startled cries began.

Parvati pointed up to what was clearly a dragon.

"Oh my god!" Lavender shrieked next to her, so Parvati grabbed her hand and tried to calm her down.

"It's just Harry," she shouted over the din of the crowd.

"How can you be so sure?"

Parvati snickered. "When something crazy happens, it's always Harry's fault."

And sure enough the dragon's form buzzed down, flying low over the roof of the Great Hall, and she could definitely make out a figure riding on its back.


A couple of minutes later, the doors burst open and there he was striding in while dragging a rope over his left shoulder. "Sorry I'm late," he said with a grin.

"Harry, what in the name of Merlin is going on?"

Professor McG was always quick, thus she was on her feet and walking towards him. He smiled and waved at his favorite teacher. "I just had a little business to take care of so we can hopefully have a nice year. Padma said we're going to need to focus as we start working on our NEWTs, so I figured-"

"Is that Voldemort?" McG asked as she looked over his shoulder. "Did you really bring him here?"

"Don't worry, he's harmless," he shrugged as he stopped and bent over his fallen foe. One floppy arm lifted and fell right back down. "I paralyzed him after I'd taught him about privileges and broke his wand, so I'm pretty sure even Malfoy could take him now."

"My god," McG exhaled. "You really did it."

"Well yeah, of course I did," Harry grinned. "I made sure they were having a meeting too, so none of the Death Eaters got away this time. Well, except for Draco over there."

He pointed at the Slytherin and snapped his fingers. His left sleeve disappeared and showed off the Dark Mark tattoo. "Oh, that reminds me. Here you go!"

He threw the pimp cane and it clattered onto the table right in front of the albino kid. "I've got bad news, Malfoy. Your mum, Luscious, she didn't make it. And your house burnt down. But, good news- your other mum, you know the classy one? Narcissa? She's fine. So, you aren't an orphan. Not totally at least. Like, only a half orphan."

McG summoned the pimp cane to her hand and approached Draco. "I believe you'll be needing to have a little chat with the DMLE, mister Malfoy. I would suggest you come quietly."

She forced him to march out of the Great Hall at wandpoint and Harry shook his head with a smile on his face.

Padma spoke first as his honeys came over to greet him. "Why on earth didn't you just kill Voldemort?"

"You know what Conan said," Harry straightened up his spine and lowered his voice. "What is best in life? To crush your enemies! To see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women!

"Well, I don't know that snake face had any women exactly, so I figured maybe Draco would cry and that would be close enough."

Parvati giggled and gave him a kiss. "I'm just glad you're okay. Does this mean we'll be celebrating later tonight?"

Harry smiled widely. "I sure hope so."

Daphne was examining what was left of snake face. "I suppose it would be best for public morale to have him executed. Would you be willing to do the honors, Harry?"

"Duh," he snorted. "That's one part of the reason I brought him in alive. I was hoping they'd let me use that sweet axe what's his face had."

"Very good," Daphne nodded. "I will accompany you and make sure that you are given the proper pomp and circumstance. This will mean I'll need to contact my grandfather though, so I'd better hurry and write to him tonight."

"Make it short, babe," Harry grinned. "I'm assuming you'll be joining in the celebration, after all."

She narrowed her eyes lustfully and grabbed him for a searing kiss. "Try and stop me."

Daphne called for Dobby and had him bring her a quill and parchment. That reminded Harry of one more thing, so he called out to the headmaster. "Hey, Dumbledore! Bad news! Well, bad news for your evil plan, but good news for the rest of us."

"What do you mean, Harry?"

Even now, with his terrible deeds about to be revealed, the headmaster still had that twinkle in his eyes.

Harry shook that off though and announced, "Snape was one of the Death Eaters that died today. I think that's gotta be the shortest tenure yet for any Defense professor."

"Ah, what a shame," Dumbledore said before shrugging and going back to his piece of cheesecake.

"That's all you have to say?" Harry has assumed there would have been a lot more outrage.

Finishing his bite, Albus stood up and flashed him the peace sign. "Mellow out, dude. I've got a wicked case of the munchies right now. Aren't you hungry anyway? I'd think defeating a Dark Lord would work up an appetite, especially for a young man that's still growing."

"Yeah, but..." His shoulders slumped a bit. Harry would have to find some other way to demonstrate the headmaster's evil to the general populace.

"What are we going to do about a Defense professor?" Padma wondered as she snuggled into his right side.

Harry snapped his fingers. "That reminds me of the last thing. Hey, Dobby?"

"Yes, Supreme Dude!" the house-elf happily saluted.

"Bring our other guest, please," Harry said.

Two quick pops later and Fleur Delacour stood next to him, wearing a very slinky black evening dress. "Bonjour," she purred.

McG returned at that moment and Harry chuckled to himself as he saw she was still clutching the pimp cane. "Miss Delacour, what are you doing here?"

"Professor," she bowed slightly. "Dear 'Arry suggested zat you would be in need of a new instructor for ze Defense Against ze Dark Arts. You should find my qualifications on your desk."

"I'll contact the Board of Governors in the morning," McG answered before smirking at Harry. "A squad of aurors led by Madam Bones herself will be arriving shortly to take care of your captive. Now, why don't we get back to the feast, shall we?"

"Sure, McG" he winked at her. "It's good to see you again."

Seeing the new first years still lined up at the front of the hall and waved at them. "Welcome to Hogwarts, little dudes!"

He had a feast to enjoy and his honeys to celebrate with, after a thrilling victory in battle- it had been a good day for Harry Potter.


Author's Note: I've got an epilogue still to go. Hope you enjoyed this one. :)