Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Thanos or anything else.
Once the Christmas break came, the Patil girls got a surprise as they were invited to a Hobgoblins concert. Harry was spending the holidays away from the castle for once, and Sirius couldn't wait to 'expand his horizons,' whatever that meant- he wasn't sure why, but both twins (Padma in particular) had been all sorts of cranky when they'd heard that.
The three of them had backstage passes for the show, so after the concert Harry led them down a hall where they were stopped by a burly bald guy.
"We've got passes, bro," Harry said as the girls fished them out of their pockets.
"Oh, you must be Stubby's boy, eh?" the bouncer asked with a smile that exposed a couple of broken teeth. "He was bragging about how you had two pretty girlies. Most of the lads thought he was full of it, as usual."
"My honeys are pretty sweet," Harry replied with a grin. Parvati giggled on his left while Padma just sighed.
"Alright, go on in."
They turned a corner and walked down another hall to where they saw an open doorway with a loud party clearly going on. Harry chuckled when he saw Sirius with a bottle of booze in one hand and a blonde chick sitting in his lap. The old mutt spotted him quickly too. "Harry! Come on in! Lads, this is my godson, the one and only Harry Potter!"
Several people called out greetings or cheers, and Harry noticed that most of the band had honeys with them as well. He was pretty sure they were all temporary honeys though.
"Floozies," Padma muttered under her breath as she scanned the room, clearly not impressed by the ladies, some of whom were only half-dressed.
Well, at least now Harry knew what to call them. He wouldn't trade his girls anyway.
On the other hand, Parvati pulled them over to talk to the band's bass player, a dark haired young woman in a very interesting black ensemble. His honey was mostly interested in the style of the skirt and asking her where she got those shoes, but Harry found it hard not to notice the black corset style top and the way it enhanced her attributes. Padma distracted him from staring by physically turning his head and snogging him.
It was too much fun for Harry to pay any attention to the fact that it was a little out of character for his usually more reserved honey. Plus, he was just lucky that she decided to make a statement rather than getting jealous. Of course, Padma had largely accepted what a dumb goofus her boyfriend was by then.
"Hello, Harry." The dreamy voice behind him gave him a little shock, but he turned and saw Luna Lovegood and who he could only imagine must have been a relative of hers- an oddly dressed man with similar long blonde hair.
"Hey dude," he replied. "Is this your dad, Luna?"
"Yes. Harry Potter, meet Xenophilius Lovegood. Father, this is Harry. While most famous for his exploits involving that Dark Lord fellow... old what's his face from a long time ago, I believe his best and most important deed has been helping to free Mr. Boardman so that the Hobgoblins could reform."
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Potter," Luna's dad said as they shook hands.
"Yeah, my pleasure, dude," Harry nodded. "I really didn't have to do too much to help Sirius. Plus, I didn't know about the band or anything."
"He's oh so humble," Luna said with a smile.
"Humble?" Padma snorted.
"Harry!" Sirius yelled as he dragged his blonde floozy over to say hello. "This is Linda-"
"It's Lisa," she corrected him with a giggle.
"Right, Lisa." Sirius took a swig from his bottle and handed it to her. "Harry, who are all your friends?"
"You should remember my honeys," Harry said. "This is Luna and her dad."
"Xenophilius Lovegood, at your service Mr. Boardman." Xeno bowed deeply and smiled. "I saw a number of your shows on the tour back in seventy nine."
"You do look familiar," Sirius nodded.
"Ah, yes, you might have remembered my wife better," Xeno grinned. "Selene was her name. She told me that you had a crush on her when you were still at Hogwarts, living under your pseudonym of course."
"Selene Lynch?" Sirius asked and Xeno nodded in confirmation. "Oh man, she was such a babe! That girl had a set of knockers on her that were simply unforgettable."
"And an arse that you could bounce a galleon off of," Xeno added with a smile.
"That's right! How could anyone forget an arse like that?" Sirius laughed. "Where is she?"
"Sadly, mummy died a few years ago," Luna replied.
"Oh." Sirius sobered up a little and patted Luna on the shoulder. "I'm terribly sorry, young lady. Your mum was a very fine specimen. An exquisite witch. And the things she could do with her tongue-"
Padma gasped and Harry looked at her, starting to feel confused.
"Did you shag my mum?" Luna asked with a dreamy wide eyed look.
"Yeah," Sirius sighed. "She was amazing in the sack."
"That she was," Xeno nodded. "And so adventurous!"
"You're telling me," Sirius laughed. "Normally, I would have left when... you know...I mean, with another dude there, but..."
"You were rather drunk that night, as I recall," Xeno added with a laugh.
"Will you shag me too, Mr. Boardman?" Luna asked.
"I think you're a little young for that sort of thing," Sirius said with a frown.
"I'm almost thirteen," Luna pouted.
"Remember the rules, butternut," Xeno admonished his daughter.
"Always use a safe word?"
"Well, yes and-"
"Avoid sleeping with people that look like they'll give you a sexually transmitted disease?"
"That's a good one too, but I meant-'' Xeno tried to stop her, but Luna barreled on.
"Not everyone can handle the same types of kinkiness? Or, if you're going to have an orgy, make sure that you'd still want to sleep with even the ugliest person there, not just the hottest? Oh, or what about, don't have any babies while you're a teenager, no matter how much fun it might sound like to be the youngest and hottest mum around? Or-"
"No Luna." Xeno finally grabbed her shoulder and made her look at him. "Remember, always explore oral sex before you start shagging. And if a boy isn't good at giving-"
"Then he isn't worth receiving," she nodded. "What about girls though?"
"I suppose it would be the same." Xeno scratched his chin. "Avoid selfish lovers in general, I think."
"Alright." Luna turned back to Sirius with a grin. "Will you shag me when I'm older then?"
Sirius did a glorious spit take that thankfully only sprayed a bit of alcohol on Harry's trousers, mostly hitting the floor.
That conversation wasn't the strangest thing that Harry saw over those holidays though. Going on the road with a band was an eye-opening experience. He'd never heard of a lot of stuff that he saw, and Sirius was proud to help teach him about 'the finer things in life' as he called them.
He didn't end up liking the way the smoke burned his lungs, but the hashish did make him feel good in a funny way.
As for drinking, Sirius was amazed and proud of how much Harry could knock back before keeling over. The fact that he had started a growth spurt and was much more thickly built compared to his godfather helped him a bit, but the next morning was awful. From then on, Harry swore that he would never again touch tequila, no matter how much Sirius might try to sway him otherwise.
The one problem Harry had was the lack of manual labor. He didn't want to get too out of practice with his physical training. That's why he became the band's unofficial roadie. Usually, they could manage everything with spells, but Harry didn't like feeling lazy and hefting around instruments and equipment was easy for him.
However, Harry drew the line at groupies. He tried to get used to seeing topless ladies backstage without gawking all the time, but he didn't want to do anything that would get him in trouble with his honeys. Besides, the one time one of the bands' floozies tried to kiss him, Harry didn't like the way she reeked of alcohol.
There was going to be quite a bit of frenching going on in broom closets when he got back to school and his honeys though.
For the most part, the new year at Hogwarts was pretty uneventful.
Parvati had immediately glomped onto his side when Valentine's Day came and she glared at Ginny when she came over to 'say hello' to Harry. Even the little ginger fangirl wouldn't try anything when another witch already had her wand in her free hand though- the one that wasn't already wrapped around Harry's arm.
As they left to head to breakfast, Parrvati confronted him about the girl. "Why don't you do more to discourage her from being obsessed with you?"
"I'm kinda surprised there aren't more girls that act like that," Harry shrugged. "I am pretty awesome, you know?"
"She still pisses me off," Parvati fumed. "I'd like to slap that little bitch into next week."
Harry chuckled. "Can I be honest about something?"
"You can, but I hope you're smart enough not to ruin today."
"Part of the reason is that I like how you get all territorial and angry at her," he said with a grin. "It's really hot."
"Really?" Parvati asked with a blush.
"Well..." Parvati straightened up her posture and smiled as they entered the Great Hall. "That's good then."
By the time the Easter holidays rolled around, Hermione Granger was acting a lot more snippy than usual. She had stormed out of the most recent Divination lesson, yelling at Trelawney and calling her a fraud, which made both Parvati and Lavender glare at her for the next few days.
Harry wondered at what was going on with his favorite friend to tease. She hadn't called him any funny names or even scowled at him since before Christmas. Plus, there were dark circles around her eyes, which were occasionally bloodshot as well. At night time, whenever she wasn't holed up in the library, she would always commandeer a table in the Gryffindor common room and bury it underneath a dozen books, reams of parchment, quills and other supplies- and if you dared to disturb her, she seemed likely to hex you.
As that blond fanboy Creepy found out, having to spend an afternoon in the infirmary when he bumped into the table and spilled her ink onto one of her books.
Now, normally Harry was a pretty mellow dude who didn't care too much about what the other students were doing. But there was clearly something wrong with Granger. She even missed a Charms lesson.
He found her at her usual table in the common room, fast asleep and drooling a bit. She was going to miss lunch too at this rate.
"Hey Granger?" he called to her gently. When she still didn't wake, Harry tried a little harder, placing his hand on her shoulder and rubbing it a bit. "Hermione?"
She moaned out and then shot up in her seat. "What time is it?"
"Lunch time, dude."
"Oh... is it?" her eyes were bleary and she looked around the common room for a second, clearly confused.
"Yeah, you missed Charms too," Harry added.
That little tidbit made her shriek and try to stand up way too fast. She bumped her knees on the table and fell back into the chair, but not before she knocked two books off the table and sent several pieces of parchment flying. "Ow!"
Harry sighed and picked up after her. "Are you alright?"
"Why are you being so nice to me?" she asked, grimacing and wiping a few pained tears from her eyes.
He shrugged. "We're friends?"
"Friends?" she scowled. "Even though I've called you names before? And... and I try to get you in trouble all the time but Professor McGonagall just adores you for some reason. And you're just so... so-"
"Hot?" he smirked.
"Yeah that too," he chuckled. "You're really funny."
"You just like teasing me," she growled at him.
"That's pretty fun too," he nodded. "I think you need to lighten up a bit, Hermione. You look like you're trying to work yourself to death, and I wouldn't be a very good friend if I let that happen."
"You mean, because I wouldn't be around to tease anymore," she spat out before turning away.
"Well, not just for that reason."
Unfortunately, that seemed to be the wrong thing to say because Granger burst into tears. Harry sighed and put a hand on her shoulder to try to reassure her. "Hey, come on Hermione. Look, dude, whatever is bothering you, it can't be all that bad, right? I mean... everything's gonna be okay."
She stood up and threw her arms around him and began to sob into his shirt. Harry had no idea what was wrong with her, but he patted her on the back anyway. It took a couple of minutes before her crying fit ended, and then she pulled back and stared at him. He tried giving her a small grin...
And she kissed him.
Then she jumped back in terror. "Oh my god! What have I done?"
She screamed and ran off like a monster was chasing her.
Harry was still scratching his head when Parvati and Lavender walked into the common room a minute later. Lavender giggled. "It looks like Hermione's finally flipped!"
"Yeah," Harry shrugged. "I don't know what her deal is."
"What happened?" Parvati asked.
"First she was sleeping, and I tried to wake her up. Then we talked for a minute and she got all upset and started crying. I tried to cheer her up, but that meant she just threw her arms around me and started bawling all over me."
"Your shirt is still wet," Lavender giggled.
"Yeah," Harry sighed. He took his honey's hand. "Now, don't get mad, but after she was done crying, she kissed me. Then she screamed and ran off."
"She did, did she?" Parvati asked with narrowed eyes.
"Please don't be mad."
"I'm not mad at you, Harry."
"Thank god," he exhaled.
"Tell me exactly what was said and I'll see what I need to do about Granger," she said.
Harry proceeded to do what she asked, although he probably didn't get all the words right. And he definitely added in a few more 'dudes' than Hermione Granger would have ever said. Eventually Parvati and Lavender looked at each other and sighed. "I think I know what the problem is."
"Cool, because I don't have a clue," Harry replied.
"What have you noticed about Hermione?" Parvati asked.
"I dunno," he shrugged. "She's smart. She's always first to want to answer questions in class and stuff. She's always working really hard on writing the longest essays I've ever seen. And it's really funny when she gets all huffy with me. Am I missing something?"
"What else have you seen about her?" Lavender asked. "Or should I say, who do you see her talking to, other than the teachers?"
"I can't really think of anybody. Me, I guess?"
"Hermione has always been so obsessed with schoolwork and being the perfect little teacher's pet," Parvati replied. "I don't think she has any friends, Harry. I think you're the closest thing she has to one."
"Oh," he grimaced. "Poor Hermione dude."
"Yeah, that probably doesn't help either," Lavender giggled. "Don't you realize that girls don't like being called dude?"
"I call everyone dude," Harry said.
"Including me," Lavender muttered.
"Yes, but you call me and Padma honey or babe," Parvati explained.
"Yeah, why can't I be a babe too?" Lavender asked with a huff.
"But you're not my babe," Harry replied. "My honeys are my babes. I wouldn't like it if some other dude tried to call one of my honeys babe. I'd have to mess him up. But then, I guess I could call some other guy's girl a babe if I wanted him to take a swing at me. Only problem is, most wizards seem like wimps, so I don't know if that would work either."
Parvati interrupted his inane musings. "Harry, it's alright with me if you call Lavender babe, okay? She doesn't like being just another 'dude' to you."
"Alright," he shrugged. "What about other chicks?"
"Just Lavender for now," she replied. "I don't want to make Hermione any crazier than she already is. I guess we could ask Padma if she thinks there is anyone else to add to the list."
"Probably not Ginny Weasley, huh?" Harry smirked.
"Definitely not," Parvati growled. "That little tramp doesn't need any encouragement."
That evening, Harry was sandwiched in between his honeys on the couch when they were disturbed by a cough. He turned and saw Hermione standing there, looking at either girl but trying not to stare at him. "Could we speak in private please?"
"Do you mean with all three of us?" Padma asked.
They followed her out of the common room and down a hall until they found an empty room. Hermione paced back and forth for a moment. Harry thought it looked like she was psyching herself up.
"I would like to humbly apologize for my transgression against you," she said.
"Huh? What's a transgression?" he asked.
"It means an act that goes against a law, rule, or code of conduct," Hermione explained. "In other words, an offense."
"When did you offend me?" Harry wondered.
"I believe she means when she kissed you earlier," Padma suggested.
"Oh. It's okay, dude," he shrugged. "It wasn't the best kiss ever, but it wasn't so bad that I was offended by it."
Hermione blushed and looked away. She really was a funny chick.
"I think she means that Padma and I might have been offended by the fact that she kissed our boyfriend," Parvati said with a groan.
"Oh, right," Harry nodded. "Sorry, my bad, babe."
"I trust it won't happen again," Padma added with a glare.
"Certainly not," Hermione agreed. "In my defense, I would like to plead temporary insanity. I have clearly been overworked, under too much stress, and not sleeping enough. I assure you, I won't try to cause any such problems in the future."
The twins looked between each other for a moment before Padma nodded at her sister. Parvati stepped forward and offered her hand. "As long as it won't happen again, I believe we can move beyond this."
"Thank you," Hermione replied as she shook her hand and then Padma's. She looked at Harry for a second, blushed again, and then hurried out the door.
"You were right, sis," Padma sighed.
"Ha! Told you so," Parvati preened.
"What are you two talking about?" Harry asked.
"Hermione has a huge crush on you," Parvati snorted. "That's why she gets all upset and crazy around you sometimes."
"Oh." He thought to himself for a moment- and an image of McG flashed through his head and then he had a wonderful idea. "Why don't my lovely honeys see about setting her up with some other dude? You know, so she can like chill out and stuff."
"That could be fun," Parvati giggled.
"It could be difficult, you mean," Padma added. "She's really anti-social."
"I'll need your help, of course," Parvati replied. "Get me a breakdown of all the guys in Ravenclaw and I'll see what I can work with."
"You want a brainy dude for her?" Harry frowned then nodded. "Good thinking, babe."
"What about the other Gryffindors?" Padma asked.
"Neville is the only one that she gets along with at all, and trying to get someone as shy as him to hit on a girl is obviously not going to work," Parvati said. "Lavender and I will try to help her in other ways too. Normally, she wouldn't want to spend much time in the dorms listening to us, but I might be able to use today to force her to stick around and pay attention to things like cosmetic charms. With that messy hair, she needs it."
The next day, Harry stopped by McG's office.
"Hello, Harry. What can I do for you today?"
"Hi," he grinned as he stepped inside. "I just wanted you to know that I hadn't forgotten about you this year."
"What do you mean by that?"
If his professor looked worried, Harry didn't pay it any mind. "Like, you know how I tried to set you up with dudes the last couple of years? This year, the only new guy around is Lupin. But I think we all know that he's only into younger ladies. The pervert."
"Is there something I should be aware of?" McG asked with a frown. "I haven't heard of any illicit behavior from Remus."
"You must have seen that mustache!" Harry groaned. "He's got pedophile written all over his face with that thing."
McG sighed. "I see you've met miss Lovegood. No matter what sort of nonsense the Quibbler might publish, there is no such things as an Illuminati Pedophile Conspiracy."
"They've got you fooled too!" Harry gasped.
"Mr. Potter, please sit down." McG glared at him until he did as she asked. "Now then, do you have any actual proof of Professor Lupin doing something he shouldn't?"
"I could tell you some of the stories I've heard from Sirius," he shrugged. "Or the way he was leering at Sirius' cousin Tonks over the holidays. She's only like nineteen or twenty, but he's like a million or something. That's not cool."
"Harry," McG sighed again. "You should realize that Sirius Black and Remus Lupin are the same age. They were dorm mates with your father, after all."
"I don't know." He shook his head slowly. "Sirius is cool and fun, and Lupin is all mopey and stuff. Plus, he's got grey hair. And don't forget that crime of nature on his upper lip!"
McG put her face in her hands. Harry knew the truth, though. She just didn't want him to see her laughing too hard.
"Harry," she sighed. "Thank you for not trying to set me up with Professor Lupin."
"You're welcome," he grinned. "But next year, we'll see if there are any good candidates."
McG groaned and chased him out of her office. He really was an incorrigible boy. And yet, though misguided, it was rather sweet of him at the same time.
He wasn't sure what her name was, but she was a very pretty, petite, Asian girl from Ravenclaw. And that was the fourth straight day where she had greeted him, smiled, and tossed her hair over her shoulder before strutting away.
As he sat down between his honeys for lunch, Harry pointed her out to Padma. "Who is that chick?"
"Cho Chang. Why?"
"I dunno," he shrugged. "She keeps like... smiling at me and stuff. Which, you know, makes sense cause I am awesome, but it's a little bit like Ginny Weasley does. In fact, I don't think I had noticed her before this last week. She isn't in our classes, is she?"
"No, she's a fourth year," Padma answered as she sent a glare across the room.
"Maybe she's hoping to throw Harry off his game," Parvati giggled. "We do have the last quidditch match coming up this weekend, and whoever wins will take the cup. As if a little flirting could rattle our big strong boyfriend. The silly witch should know you get a ton of that."
"We should try an experiment," Padma suggested.
"Tonight, at dinner, I want you to sit at the Ravenclaw table," Padma explained. "Parvati and I will be a couple of minutes late. I want to see if she tries anything else when she thinks we aren't watching."
"Um, okay babe."
Harry thought it was kinda odd, but he trusted his brainy honey to know what she was doing. Plans weren't really his thing anyway, but if the girls were happy, then he figured that everything was cool.
"Hello Harry Potter." Luna Lovegood sat down across the table from him and gave him a dreamy little smile. "Have you heard from Stubby lately?"
"Not in a month or two," he replied. "The tour was going well, and they were headed to some place called Thailand that he said has really great strip clubs."
"I suppose that discounts the trouble they had in Amsterdam," Luna sighed. "I hope I'm never banned from that country. It sounds like a wonderful place."
"Eh, Sirius said it wasn't a big deal," Harry shrugged. "He said they banned him back in seventy seven because of something having to do with two poodles, an undercover auror in lingerie, and a giant vat of chocolate. But he said it was all a case of mistaken identity, so it didn't stick."
"He can always blame it on his evil cousin, that dastardly Sirius Black fellow."
"Yeah, I guess so." Harry took another bite of his steak and smiled. "Hey, is it true that Lupin is scared of you? I heard when he tried the boggart lesson that he like freaked out and ran away from you or something."
"His boggart is the moon," she said with a nod, "and the moon's proper name is Luna. So, there is that. Plus, he screamed when he saw my boggart. Of course, everyone else in the class screamed too, but I thought they were missing the point. Mr. Cthulhu's appearance isn't the problem; it's trying to clean the messy leavings out of his tentacles after he's eaten a boat full of sailors. Especially when he won't quit giggling because he says that it tickles."
"Yeah, messy stuff can be pretty annoying."
"You'll have to excuse me, Harry," Luna said as she stood up. "I don't want to interfere in the sting operation. Tell your girlfriends I said hello."
"Okay, later dude."
Just as she left, the seats on either side of him were taken by Cho and some redheaded girl that he didn't recognize. "Hi Harry!"
"I'm Cho and this is Marietta." They both smiled at him, but only Cho placed her hand on his arm.
"It's a pleasure to finally get to properly introduce ourselves. You're usually so busy, occupied with other things," Marietta said.
"But now that we've got your attention, I was hoping to ask you a couple of questions," Choa added. "You don't mind if I get a little personal, do you?"
"Uh, I guess not. What's up?"
"Have you ever thought of dating an older woman?"
"I don't think that's really my thing," he shook his head. "I mean, I like McG, but not like that, you know? And when Draco's mum was trying to get all up in my business, that really wasn't cool either. I wish that creepy chick would just stay the hell away from me."
"I didn't mean that much older," Cho giggled and tossed her hair again.
Harry wondered if that was supposed to mean something in the mysterious ways of chicks. He'd need to try to remember to ask his honeys.
"I meant someone younger than a professor," she added with a grin as she leaned in closer. "Someone like me."
"Or, since you seem to prefer having two girls at a time, I convinced Marietta that we could share you," she finished her statement by practically whispering in his ear. "What do you say, Harry?"
"I don't think my honeys would like that," he replied. Not that these two weren't good looking, but he had a feeling that a fight might be breaking out soon, and he was hoping that Padma might get all hot and bothered and let loose on these girls like how Parvati would get when Ginny started getting particularly crazy.
"They aren't here right now," Cho said quietly, once again getting all breathy in his ear. "You don't have to pretend with us."
"Um, Cho," Marietta said, her eyes wide.
"Get away from my boyfriend," Padma growled. Cho let go of his arm and backed off, which allowed Harry to turn and get a good look at her. Padma looked super pissed, like her eyes would shoot lasers at Cho and burn her to ashes. His guess had been right- it was totally hot.
Unfortunately, it also wasn't the best time for a catfight. He was still eating for one thing, and he didn't want his honeys' meal ruined either, so Harry stood up. "Hey my babes, there you two are!"
Parvati looked more amused than anything, grinning at her sister's jealous streak finally coming out. Harry stepped over in between Padma and Cho and swept her backwards in his arms to give her a very deep kiss right in the middle of the Great Hall. Not only did it bring out a number of whistles and catcalls, but it left Padma unbalanced, literally. It broke her from her rage-filled mood as well.
"Maybe we shouldn't sit at Ravenclaw tonight," Parvati suggested.
"Works for me," Harry agreed.
"Fine." Padma turned to glare at Cho again. "Don't think this is over, skank."
A couple of minutes later, when they had found a place to sit at the Gryffindor table, Parvati started to laugh. "Okay, Harry, now I totally get it- what you were saying about how you like it when Weasley makes me mad. I can hardly believe the way Padma was acting back there."
"You haven't heard practically all the boys in Gryffindor talking about how Ginny Weasley is the prettiest girl in the school," Padma grumbled. "It's not even their opinions that bug me; it's having to watch several different guys act like complete morons trying to get Chang's attention. I swear, it's like Corner and Goldstein are having a contest at who can be the biggest prat sometimes. I thought she was going out with Davies anyway. That bitch needs to stay the hell away from Harry."
"Sounds good to me," he said. "There aren't any girls prettier than my sweet honeys anyway."
"I think I'll have to hang out with Lavender tonight," Parvati giggled and patted him on the shoulder. "I think my sister will need you to help her unwind later."
"I can do that," Harry grinned. He started to rubbing soothing circles on Padma's back and leaned in to whisper to her. "Don't worry about other girls, babe. I'll help get rid of all that stress, after we eat."
Padma blushed, nodded, and started preparing herself a plate of food.
By the time the big Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw match arrived, Padma was as angry as she'd ever been. Cho Chang had been continually shooting flirtatious glances and winks at Harry all week long. Sitting beside her sister in the stands, Padma could feel her blood pressure starting to spike as the little Chinese slut flew near Harry and giggled at him just before the quaffle was released and things got underway.
Rooting against her own house was unusual, but most people seemed to realize it was because of her boyfriend and gave Padma a pass. However, that day in particular, she was hoping the Ravenclaw team would be embarrassed- preferably with Chang getting slammed into the ground and smashing that pretty little face of hers.
"Calm down, sis," Parvati said to her. "I think I can hear you grinding your teeth already."
"Just look at that fucking whore!" Padma hissed. "She's like, 'tee hee, Harry, maybe after the match we could play a different game. I could show you my quaffles.' I think I'd like to gut her like a fish."
Parvati snorted. "You should save that sort of thing for when Harry's around. He'd think it was totally hot, and then you could end up getting snogged until you couldn't think straight. But right now, you need to just try to relax. Harry won't lose just because a girl flirts with him. We've got him better trained than that, don't you think?"
"I guess," Padma sighed. "There's just something about Chang that really rubs me the wrong way."
"I get it." Her sister gave her a side hug. "At least you can come celebrate with Gryffindor after we win."
"That's true." Both girls cheered as Katie Bell scored the first goal. "Did you know that Terry Boot called me a traitor earlier?"
"Psh," Parvati waved it off. "He's just jealous because Harry won't snog him."
"Oh, you didn't know?" Parvati giggled. "It isn't just girls that stare at Harry. I've caught three different guys ogling him as well."
"Really? Who were the other two?" Padma asked.
Realizing that her sister was joining in on the gossip for once, Parvati's smile grew enormous and Lavender started giggling from her other side. "Well, there's Draco, but I think we've all wondered about him. As Harry says, he does seem to try to get his attention a lot."
"I'll say he does," Lavender added with a laugh.
"Who's the third?"
"An older boy in Hufflepuff. I don't know his name," Parvati shrugged.
Lavender piped up, "Gabriel Truman. He's a seventh year. Can you imagine? Lusting after a younger boy like that!"
All three of them giggled.
One of the Weasleys sent a bludger that rocketed just past Chang.
"So close," Padma moaned.
"Maybe you should try to channel your anger," Lavender suggested. "Focus it into something else, you know?"
"That's not a bad idea," she nodded. "Thanks."
Padma thought for a few minutes as the match continued. Chang kept trying to block Harry's path, and after the third time, he just started buzzing right past her. He nearly knocked her over once, and Padma's face burst into a huge smile. He really was a good boyfriend, even when he could be a goofy idiot at times.
Harry wasn't the problem- the broom riding slut was.
But after a little while, Padma got an idea. She excused herself from the stands, supposedly to go use the restroom. Once she was safely away from the crowd and alone, Padma called out, "Dobby?"
A loud pop announced the house-elf's appearance. He had an excited smile on his face. "What can Dobby do for the Great Harry Potter sir's pretty honey?"
"Did he tell you to call me that?"
"The Great Harry Potter sir always calls his honeys pretty," Dobby answered. "And Dobby does as the Great Harry Potter sir would!"
"Alright." Padma took a deep breath. "I was hoping you could get Harry's invisibility cloak and bring it to me."
"Miss honey isn't going to do anything bad to the Great Harry Potter sir, is she?"
"Of course not. I'm going to do something to an evil witch who won't stop bothering Harry. She needs to learn a lesson. We don't want people bothering Harry, do we Dobby?"
"No! We must protect the Great Harry Potter sir from evil witches! Dobby will help miss honey!"
Sure enough, Harry eventually caught sight of the snitch and out flew Chang to lead Gryffindor to a decisive victory. They were once again quidditch champions.
Padma told her sister that she had an errand to run, and she quickly sneaked off towards the Ravenclaw locker rooms. While hiding under the cloak, she cast a Confundus charm on Chang just as she was about to leave. As the girl went back inside for something that she seemed to have forgotten, Padma followed her in.
The rest of the team had left. Cho sat down in front of her locker and frowned. What was it she was looking for? Maybe she should go soak in the shower and relax for awhile?
Padma waited as her prey got undressed and went back to the shower. If anyone had seen the look in her eyes, no girl would ever think of trying to steal Harry away again.
Cho turned the water on. She was facing the wall.
Padma was standing far enough away to stay dry. She removed the cloak and pointed her wand at Chang. "Turn around, bitch."
"What? Agh!" Chang yelped. Her hands instinctively went to cover herself.
"I bet you wouldn't be acting so shy if Harry were here, would you slut?" Padma glared at her.
"What do you want?"
"This will be your last warning," Padma hissed. "Stay the fuck away from Harry. Otherwise, you may just find yourself bound and naked down in the dungeons. Who knows, someone might even put a little bow on you before leaving detailed instructions for the nastiest Slytherin boys to find you. I'm sure Flint would enjoy that."
Cho gulped. "I'll leave him alone. I promise."
"That's what I thought."
Padma used a Lumos Maxima to disorient her prey and threw the cloak back over herself. Best to always dazzle your foes, she thought with a grin. Chang would be a lot less likely to try anything if she had no idea how she'd been able to sneak up on her like that.
The party was in full swing by the time Padma joined Harry and her sister in Gryffindor tower. He spent the rest of the day feeling very happy, especially when both of his honeys dragged him off to the fourth floor and the broom closet that Sirius had mentioned a few months before hand. The extended space and the fold out bed gave them plenty of room to celebrate.
And Harry spent the rest of the year extra happy- because boobies!
Seriously though- boobies!
Unfortunately, Hermione Granger was not having nearly as good of a time. She'd lost half a stone while studying her brains out for the final exams, and she'd been so delirious that she'd been replaying the day when she had kissed Harry over and over again. It was making her work that much harder to focus on. If she failed something, she would have yet another thing to blame on the sexy scoundrel!
It couldn't just be that her hormones disagreed with her about what was most important in life.
She'd had to take time out from her busy schedule to learn the silencing charm two years early so that she could relieve all her frustrations late at night without getting caught.
And listening to Parvati tell Lavender about all the fun things she did with Harry... well, she certainly wasn't jealous! It's not as if any of it fueled her fantasies either.
On top of all that, she'd been unable to help Hagrid with the case against Buckbeak that the Malfoys had instigated. Even after Harry had humiliated the little bastard, catching him in his lie, he'd whined to his father about it. Some money thrown around to the right people, and now an innocent animal was sentenced to die.
Hermione had tried everything she could think of, but when it came down to it, there was only one person that she knew could fix the problem. And if that meant she would just have to grin and bear it, forcing herself to be around Harry that much more, well...
It was just a sacrifice she would have to make.
She approached him late one evening when he was back in the common room. As usual, he was cuddled up with Parvati on a couch, and judging by her giggles, it was very unlikely that they were actually studying. No matter the Transfiguration final they had tomorrow- just what were they thinking? Didn't they know how important their marks were?
Hermione forced herself to put on a smile; even though she really didn't like the pretty Indian witch, being rude wouldn't help to save Buckbeak. "I am sorry to interrupt your... studying."
Parvati looked up and giggled as Harry whispered something in her ear. "Not right now, Harry! What can we do for you, Hermione?"
"I... um, I need your help. No, truly, I just need Harry's help." She was unable to contain her blush, but she continued anyway. "But I don't want you to think there is anything improper going on, so I suppose you should be involved too. Can we speak in private? Please?"
"Oh, alright," Parvati smiled. She got up and turned back to Harry with a wink. "Let's go up to your dorm."
"You tease," Harry snorted.
"His... his dorm?" Hermione sputtered, her face still very red.
"The other boys are all down here," Parvati shrugged. "Besides, I'm curious to see how the rumors will go if I'm not participating in them for once."
It took Hermione a moment to get her mind in order- and definitely not to think about Harry, or Harry's bed, or his expanded trunk where he apparently worked out...
Okay, it was a couple of minutes, and Parvati had to snap her fingers in front of her face to get her attention. "What's going on Granger?"
"Right, sorry," she muttered before taking a deep breath. "I need Harry to help me stop a great injustice. I suppose you both remember when Malfoy was playing as if he had been maimed by the hippogriff last fall? Well, the little snot went and whined to his daddy-"
"You mean his mum," Harry interjected with a scowl. "Luscious Malfoy- I knew she was bad news from the first time she tried flirting with me. I mean, I am awesome and buff and hot and all that, but I was just twelve at the time. I'm pretty sure that's illegal or something. What type of self-respecting lady of the night is she anyway?"
"That's enough, you goof," Parvati slapped his arm with a giggle. "Ignore the bonehead and get back to the point please, Hermione."
"Alright. In a few days, the ministry is sending an executioner to murder that innocent hippogriff. I need Harry's help to save it."
"Anyone that would slap the little albino brat around is good in my book," Harry said with a smirk. "Even one of Hagrid's monsters. Count me in."
"Why do you need Harry's help?" Parvati asked.
"He has an invisibility cloak," Hermione explained. "With that, and... well, can you keep a secret?"
"Sure dude," Harry shrugged.
"What type of secret?" Parvati grinned.
"I suppose you could tell your sister," Hermione sagged. "Just, not Lavender or anybody else, okay? Because Professor McGonagall would have my head."
"Deal," Parvati nodded.
"I have a time turner that I've been using to get to all my classes this year." She pulled the golden chain out that she'd been wearing like a necklace. "Harry and I can use his cloak to sneak down and rescue Buckbeak before he's killed. Then we can go back an hour and have a perfect alibi so no one will know that we had anything to do with it."
"Time travel?" Harry's eyes got really wide. "Awesome! I need to get one of those!"
Parvati groaned while Hermione gasped. "You can't tell anyone. You promised!"
"Yeah, fine, whatever," he waved off her concerns. "I guess you have to give it back before we go home for the summer right? I'll just ask McG if there's anything I can do next year to have more time. Between my awesome quidditch skills, working to keep these guns up to snuff, snogging my honeys, having cool weird stuff to do, and classes too I guess... well, seriously, I need one of those things."
He turned to Parvati with a smirk. "Just think of all the fun we could have babe!"
Parvati snorted and rolled her eyes. "I think we have plenty of fun anyway. And I'm pretty sure that Padma would never let you screw around with time travel just so we could have more time to spend in a broom closet."
"Then we haven't fully corrupted her yet," Harry shook his head sadly. "I'll have to work harder on that next year."
All told, it ended up being one of the easiest and least cool adventures Harry had ever had. He and Hermione had used the invisibility cloak to sneak down to Hagrid's hut. Around the back they found that Buckbeak was tied to a post. Shortly before sunset, the headmaster and a couple of ministry goons came down the path. One of them had this really huge axe, and Harry became very covetous.
Not that he knew what covetous meant, but he really wanted to steal that huge axe. It would have been great to use the next time he had to fight some enormous monster.
At the same time, Harry was once again muttering about the headmaster being evil, annoying Hermione to no end. She kept shushing him, but wasn't this just more proof of his villainy?
Once they got within sight though, the strangest thing happened. Dumbledore started rambling to the ministry dudes about a flock of geese that had stolen his favorite pair of socks and how this one cloud looked just like his favorite great aunt from when he was young. He even pointed to the cloud and got them all to turn their backs, leaving Harry plenty of time to coerce the hippogriff into the forest just in the nick of time.
A couple of minutes later, he heard angry shouting about the escape.
Harry just pulled Buckbeak a bit further into the trees and told him all about the evil family that had tried to have him whacked. Once Hermione ran back over to him and told him that the ministry people had left, with the headmaster saying something about how the huppogriff must have flown away, Harry's eyes lit up with glee.
"Harry?" Hermione took a step back. "What's that look for?"
"This is perfect," he muttered before leaning to whisper in Buckbeak's ear. "Here's how you get revenge..."
While the brave young human male had gone back to the castle, Buckbeak had flown south for many hours. His wings were tired, but in the end it would be worth it. The large manor house finally appeared under the light of the full moon, and sure enough, the rude wimpy human's family had peacocks strutting around the property.
Or as Buckbeak chose to see them- dinner. And he had worked up quite an appetite.
The next day, the severed peacock heads were all found littering the front steps. Luscious Malfoy had fainted when he saw them.
Buckbeak had even left behind a calling card- a blood stained talon print right in the middle of the front door.
Dumbledore awoke once again in a puddle of piss and vomit. This year really hadn't been too much fun. He'd been against that minister fellow with the wonderful lime green bowler hat on the subject of the Dementors, but he had been outvoted in the Wizengamot that day unfortunately. He never realized that his robes weren't accepted by his colleagues there; but then, how could the great Albus Dumbledore ever know that the enchanted images of men in leather chaps (and only leather chaps) would be found distasteful by so many old witches and wizards?
You'd almost think the old fuddy duddies were sexually repressed! The horror!
With that defeat, Dumbledore had become depressed, and when he accidentally encountered a couple of them one day in Hogsmeade just before the school year had started, he had begun the downward spiral that led him to that moment where he found himself once again befouled and clad only in a single holey sock.
"Get up, ya lousy drunk!"
Dumbledore knew that voice. "Aberforth?"
"Albus? Damn man, you look like shit." His younger brother stepped over and conjured a robe that he handed out. "What happened to you?"
"Do you remember when the Dementors were here?"
"Of course, the bloody things ruined business for a month or so before the idiots at the ministry recalled them. Why?" Aberforth replied.
"I ran into them, and they reminded me of that day..."
"Ariana," Abe sighed. "Yeah, those monsters made me remember that day too."
"You always were the stronger of us, little brother," Albus said as he staggered in through the back door of the Hog's Head. "I may have turned to an illicit substance or two in an effort to no longer be plagued by those memories. It seemed like a simple thing, just something to help take the nightmares away. However, it turns out that heroin is quite addictive. I believe I may need to visit St. Mungo's."
"You silly old fool." Aberforth shook his head and grabbed his wand. "Let me lock this place up and I'll take you there."
While Albus wouldn't admit it out loud, the reason that he viewed that terrible day of almost a century ago so much worse than his brother was that he had lost not only his sister, but the freakiest boyfriend and lover imaginable. Gellert had been insatiable and imaginative, not to mention very well hung. And the things he could do with his tongue!
Oh, the pity! How could such a wonderful sexy beast turn evil?
Unfortunately, no one ever taught Albus Dumbledore the important lesson of 'don't stick your dick in crazy.' The fact that he himself was short a couple of marbles probably didn't help anything either.
The end of the school year saw McG having to preside over the leaving feast where she happily announced that Gryffindor had once again won the house cup. The headmaster was still in treatment for an undisclosed illness but would be returning for the the next term when everything would be getting back to normal.
Harry snorted at the idea of things ever really being 'normal' at Hogwarts.
"So, what are you doing this summer, Harry?"
Hermione had mostly gone back to her version of normal recently, and he was happy to see it. She'd even called him a ne'er-do-well after the Defense final exam, and he knew that she had been jealous of how he'd dealt with so many of the monsters. Harry was most proud of the body slam that he'd taken the kappa down with.
Of course, he had to ask Padma later what a ne'er-do-well was, and it didn't quite roll off the tongue, but it was nice to see that Granger still cared.
"What was that dude?"
"I asked what you were doing this summer," Hermione repeated before muttering under her breath about how he wouldn't stop calling her a dude. It made Harry smile before he could reply.
"Nothing much for the first week or two," he shrugged. "Sirius is still on his tour, but he's supposed to be back in time for my birthday, so that will be cool. I'll probably spend a lot of time at the gym, so I can make sure that I haven't gotten too out of shape while I've been stuck up here. I think I might give my owl a work out too."
"What do you mean?"
"I still haven't been able to convince McG to give me one of those time thingies."
Parvati snorted from her seat next to him. "Harry, you of all people really don't need something like that to let you get into even more mischief."
"Oh, come on, babe. You know that it would be awesome."
"Nope, sorry," Parvati teased him. "Padma has convinced me to try to be a slightly better influence on you, especially when she's not around."
"Fine," he huffed. "Can I still come over to visit?"
"Of course! Mum just loves you." Parvati started to blush. "I may or may not have told her some stories about you, and she's decided that you will do as a suitor for her daughters. Father, on the other hand, still doesn't like the idea of a boy for either of us."
"So, I should probably come over while your dad's busy with work?" Harry grinned. "Sounds good to me. Does your house have any broom closets?"
"Is that all you think about?"
"It's not all that I think about," Harry argued even as a smile bloomed as he remembered getting to see his honeys topless. Boobies!
"But, I mean, yeah, I do think about it a lot," he then admitted.
"At least you're honest," Parvati giggled.
As the students rode back to London on the train, a thousand miles away there was a gathering of some of the darkest and deadliest creatures in the world. They had congregated just outside the prison, as there was no room inside that could fit them all.
The Dementors waited as the one they called Raziel stepped forward to speak. He didn't like the name, but there had been just too many of them that had wanted to be called some variation of Soul Eater or Soul Devourer or some other such nonsense and the head Dementor had an odd sense of humor, so the Almighty Steve had named them all after angels.
When Uriel asked why he got to keep the name Steve, the Almighty Dementor said because he wasn't so damn predictable like the rest of them. It had been a big argument, but Steve had been eating souls for more than two thousand years which made him the oldest and most powerful of them. His word became law because no one wanted to get on his bad side- especially not after Gabriel had tried to challenge him once about a century ago and he'd been beaten silly.
The Almighty Steve had celebrated his victory by farting directly in Gabriel's face.
Now, the gas produced by a Dementor would often be deadly to a mortal, but it merely smelled terrible to another Dementor. The bigger problem was that the odor became a lot stronger if one of them had recently fed- and Steve had 'kissed' a truly vile mortal just the day before. Not only had the man been a serial killer and child molester, but he'd also worked as a tax collector of all things. It was like the ultimate trinity of evil, and thus, the fart could literally peel paint. Gabriel had been left crying about the tax man for a decade afterwards.
Raziel, on the other hand, had been the one survivor from the ill advised trip to the train full of witches and wizards the year before. It had taken several months to get them all available to attend, but now he had asked to speak about what had happened.
"Friends, lend me your ears," he began.
"We don't have ears!"
"Shut up, Uriel," Raziel grumbled. "You know what I mean, you sarcastic jackass. Now, don't interrupt again because I have something important to talk about."
"Please continue," the Almighty Steve said.
"Thank you," Raziel nodded. "Several hundred years ago, there was a mortal who possessed a power we had not seen before. Some of you know of whom I speak, the dreaded one the eldest fear to speak of- the Slayer. That man was able to drive us from the continent, and he is the reason we now live here at this wonderfully depressing island."
"The prisoners do taste nice," one of them piped up.
"Yes, true, but I have a terrible warning to announce," Raziel said. "A new Slayer has come, a young wizard known as Potter who wields a terrifying blade. He is the one who destroyed our brother Metatron."
Hushed whispers broke out among the crowd.
"Potter should be known to you already," Steve added. "He was the miraculous child who stopped the wizards' Dark Lord several years ago."
"Who did what now?" Uriel asked.
"I've told you all to pay more attention to what the mortals do who guard this place," Steve bellowed. "They have those papers delivered every day, and there is plenty to learn from reading them."
"The crosswords are quite fun too," Raziel said.
"Yes, quite so," Steve nodded. "The point is that we must be wary of this new Slayer, this Potter. If that Voldie fellow comes back, we will not be listening to his nonsense, no matter how many muggle souls he might offer for joining with him."
"Muggles taste like shite anyway," Uriel said.
"Indeed," Steve said.
Unfortunately, while the Dementors were having their meeting, one certain prisoner woke up from a dream and remembered that he had an easy way to sneak out of his cell. A nasty little rat with a missing toe made a run for it while the coast was clear.
Author's Note: Hope you've enjoyed the second half of year 3. I'm not sure how long year four will take me. Goblet of Fire is much bigger and I have a feeling I'm going to have to plan out year four a lot more than I've done so far.
Till next time!