The need to feel you
Ava comes crying, hurting so much and Sara can't do anything but hold her.
(Kinda major character death, but not "yet" if you know what I mean)
It was the middle of the night but –oh surprise- Sara couldn't sleep. She had too many thoughts in her mind that requested her attention; the call of darkness was too loud in her ears, and Ava was staying at her apartment for the third night in a row. She was working on a hard case that put her on a lot of pressure and she asked for space to deal with it. Which Sara respected, of course. But it still sucked. So she decided that if she wasn't having any sleep, she might as well go work out. And by working out she meant pushing her body to absolute exertion until her legs couldn't carry her any longer, until she couldn't lift her arms anymore. It wasn't healthy but without Ava it was working out or drinking, so Sara was still proud of herself. The clock in the training room indicated 2am and through her body had started to loudly protest against every punch and kick, she still felt confident she could go on for a couple of hours. She paused for a moment to drink and wipe some of her sweat when the sound of a portal opening echoed in the room. Her body instinctively tensed for a second until the familiar scent of her girlfriend came to her nose –lavender, citrus, and something uniquely her that never really leave Sara's bed. Dropping her towel on the bench, she turned a smirk on her lips and some teasing comment on her tongue. But upon seeing Ava, her voice died in her throat. She could swear her heart forgot how to beat for a second.
That was the first word that came to her mind, quickly followed by "devastated". She was wearing her usual suit, but it was so crumpled Sara wondered how many nights she slept in it. Her hair was tied up in what was supposed to be her professional bun, but really it was nothing but a messy bun. Ava never did messy buns, or messy anything. The dark circles under her eyes were made evident by the pallor of her face. As for her eyes, Sara didn't have the words or the bravery to find them. Empty wasn't quite accurate, they seemed full, filled with emptiness and pain.
For a moment, neither moved. They just stared at each other, paralyzed by what they found in the eyes of the other.
And then Ava fell to her knees and cried.
Loud, heartbreaking, soul-shattering cries.
Sara could swear a part of her died at the sight.
Running at her sides, she dropped to the floor and took her by the shoulders. Ava's sobs were so strong Sara felt her own body trembled along her girlfriend's. Her eyes quickly scanned her for any injuries but she already knew that none would be visible. The pain Ava suffered went way deeper than any wound of the flesh ever could.
"Ava, babe, what's wrong?" she asked, worry evident in her voice.
Sara was freaking out, like massively, and the cry that escaped her girlfriend's lips at her words didn't help at all. She engulfed her into her arms, pushing her hard against her chest, whishing she could open herself to welcome her inside the warmth of her love. She needed her close, closer than physic allowed. Ava's hand clung to her shirt, her face pressed against her heart. Her tears soaked her quicker than her sweat ever could and she felt a chill transpiercing her bones. Sara was crying too, how could she not? She suffered many injuries, died multiples times and yet, nothing came close to the pain she felt upon seeing Ava in such depth of angst. Touching her wasn't enough, she needed her closer, she needed to meet her eyes and hear her voice. Words tumbled out of her mouth, pleading, comforting, loving… She couldn't stand the heaviness of the silence behind Ava's cries.
"It's gonna be alright, baby, you just have to breathe. Listen to my heart and breathe with me, babe."
They stayed on the floor for a small eternity before Ava calmed herself enough to breathe properly. Her grip on Sara didn't lessen but at least the trembling ceased. Sara dropped a tender kiss on her hair.
"You're doing so good, Aves" she encouraged her, rubbing softly her back.
Finally, Ava straightened a bit, lifting her head enough to look at her. Sara saw her swallowed, wetting her lips with a clumsy swipe of her tongue, and opened her mouth to speak, but no words left. Her brows frowned ad she brought a shaking hand to cup Sara's cheek, her thumb settling between her nose and upper lip. When Sara exhaled, Ava closed her eyes briefly and sighed deeply. Sara thought she had saw all of Ava's pain, but when she fluttered her eyes open again, she was hit with a new wave, even stronger.
Devastated. Utterly shattered.
Oh god, what happened to you, Ava?
Sara managed to offer her a smile and kissed her hand before helping her on her feet.
"Let's go to my room" she said softly, leading her into the hallways of the Waverider. Gideon accompanied their walk with a soft lightening that was both intimate and calm. They could have use Ava's courier or she could have carry her as she desperately wanted to, but Sara thought the short walk could benefit her, leaving her some time to gather herself and gaining back some control over her body. When they reached Sara's bedroom, not a word had been exchanged but Ava was no longer crying. Facing her, Sara cradled her face between her hands and kissed her brow.
"Talk to me, Aves. What's going on?" She asked, her tone both firm and pleading.
Ava brought her right hand to her heart while the other griped her shirt.
"Can we go to bed?" She asked, her voice small and uncertain, as if she feared she was asking for too much, as if she knew Sara would say no but had to ask anyway.
"Of course, babe."
Sara turned to reach for their night clothes on the armchair but Ava stopped her with a small whine. If the circumstances were different, Sara wouldn't have hesitated to tease her merciless, but in this instance, she just stopped and questioned her with a look.
"I want to feel you" She whispered, her thumb running tentatively under the hem of her shirt. "I need to feel your skin on mine." She continued her voice heavy, full of something Sara couldn't name.
"Ava, I'm not sure…"
She didn't get to finish that Ava hurried to clarify her request.
"It's not for sex; I just need to feel you, Sara." For the first time since coming into the bedroom, her eyes dropped to the floor. "Please, let me feel your warmth, hear you breathe and feel your heart."
There was desperation in her voice, a yearning and a fear that shouldn't be there, that had no place in the mouth of Ava. She knew how much Sara loved her and if sometimes anxiety and insecurities made her feel a bit shy and unsure, she never sounded so lost
Something was wrong, obviously, but Sara was starting to assemble the clues. The Ava she spoke to on the phone this evening wasn't anywhere near that broken, she wasn't on the verge of crumbling, nor did she felt so unsure or illegitimate of Sara's love. Yet, it was Ava, her Ava, she knew it. But something was not quite right.
Sara lifted her chin and hold her gaze, swallowed the lump in her throat before following her instinct.
"From when did you came, Aves?"
Her girlfriend's eyes widen briefly before tears invaded them again.
"I'm sorry… I shouldn't have come to you, that weren't right. I must leave." As she said the words, she pressed herself deeper into Sara's body, trapping her hand between both of their chest. "I'm sorry, I'll go, I'm sorry" she kept mumbling while showing no signs of leaving.
"Hey, Ava, do not excuse yourself from reaching out to me, it's ok to ask for help when you need it."
She tenderly kissed her cheek before removing her jacket. "Let's get to bed, babe, and then you can talk to me. Alright?"
Ava nodded, her hand still pressed against her chest.
"Can I undress you?"
Again, she nodded and watched her intensely, as if the only thing keeping Sara in front of her was the strength of her gaze. Sara proceeded in silence with tender hands and soft touches. She remove the jacket, letting it drop to the floor and massaged briefly Ava's neck before unbuttoning her shirt. She tugged it out of her trousers and let it joined the jacket before she kissed her collarbone, feeling her girlfriend inhale deeply. She kneeled to remove her shoes and socks, lightly kissing each ankle and reached for her pants. She paused at the button, checking in with Ava, before undoing it along with the zipper; she removed it slowly, careful to avoid her underwear. When she stood again, she faced Ava in her bra and panties looking smaller than she ever did. Not wanting her to be cold, she quickly undressed herself, keeping her underwear on and reached to open the bed but Ava's hand stopped her. There was a new light in her eyes, frail and wavering, but it was such an improvement from the emptiness that followed Sara's every move. She still appeared unsure and fragile, but she maybe a slightly less broken. It gave Sara some hope, maybe she could make it –whatever it was- better. Ava brought her other hand on her back and swiftly unclasped her bra, moving her shoulders to let it drop to the floor. Arching her brow, she silently asked Sara to imitate her and her girlfriend didn't hesitate and removed her sport bra. She had barely finished that Ava clashed her body against hers, breast pressed and grip tight. She held Sara as if her life were depending on it, as if she was trying to enter her body and possess it from within. Tears poured from her eyes and words ran out of her lips without making any sense. When Sara felt her legs getting weak, she carried her to the bed and they both slid under the covers, tangling their legs and arms to erase the absurdity physical rule that say two bodies couldn't be one.
"I love you, baby, I love you" Sara assured, again and again like a mantra.
She was slowly dying inside, desperate to know what the hell was hurting her girlfriend, but she knew she had to let her some time. In her head, the facts kept playing: Ava came to see her from the future, she was hurting and she needed comfort from her. Surely if she needed a loving presence she could have gone to the Sara from her time, but as she evidently didn't, something must have prevented her. As she thought, Sara realized the possibilities weren't endless. They could have broken up, or gotten into a really big fight, hence not being able to seek comfort from her future self. If possible, it didn't really seemed likely; at least Sara hoped that no matter how they left things between them, they could still come to each other when something so shattering broke them. Maybe… she bit her lip, toying a moment with the idea before finding the strength to put words on it.
"I died, didn't I?" Her voice was only a whisper, but Ava heard it as clearly as if she had yelled it to her heart. She didn't answer, didn't nodded, but pressed her body harder against Sara, and she knew.
Because of course she died. Didn't she always? A wave of anger crashed in her mind and she hated herself with such an intensity she never felt before. Yet it didn't last because as quickly the anger came, it went away. And she felt sick. Like throwing-up-until-you-can't-breathe sick, like kicked in the stomach and stabbed in the chest sick.
Because of course I died. And Ava was left alone. Broken. Because she left her. Alone.
"I'm so sorry Ava, I'm sorry…"
Distantly, a voice pointed out to her the absurdity of her asking forgiveness for dying in unknown circumstances in the future, but she couldn't find it in herself to care about such trivialities. Ava took a breath, then a second and a third before finding her voice.
"Don't be, I'm… It's my fault… All of it, you being away and then… gone. It's all my fault, and I'm the one that have to be sorry." Now that she had started, she couldn't seem to stop, words and excuses tumbling out of her mouth. "I shouldn't have push you to take the mission, I should have… I don't know… But it's so hard, babe, so fucking hard without you."
She hid her face in Sara's neck, surrounding herself of her scent.
"I can't… I don't know how much longer I can go on without you, and I hate myself for becoming so used to you in my everyday life that now I can't even make coffee and not cry because I always turned to offer you one, but you're not there. You're not there, Sara. You're dead, but I need you…"
She untangled one of her arm and cupped Sara's cheek, looking at her eyes, her mouth, her nose and all the freckles that covered her face as if they were the stars in a dark night at sea.
"I needed this" she quietly admitted. "I wanted to see you, to be reminded of what your love felt like, pressed against my chest. I miss the blue of your eyes, the rhythm of your heartbeat, the steady moves of your breast with every breath you take… I don't want to forget that."
She didn't had any words left in her, and Sara couldn't find any, so they hugged each other, touched and kissed their skin with tenderness and reverence. And when Ava finally get herself out of bed to go back to her time –"I must go, for you're not mine here, and if I don't leave now, I know I never will"- she refused to kiss Sara on her lips, certain she had no strength left in her to subject herself to such soft agony. So Sara helped her get back in her crumpled clothes and held her hands as she took out a memory eraser from the pocket of her jacket.
"I love you, Ava, now and forever. No matter what happened in your present, I'm yours until the end of time, and a bit after too."
When Sara woke up, she felt awful. She had a nasty headache and her eyes were swelled. She groaned and rolled onto her back, blindly reaching for her phone.
Hello beautiful 3 come eat at mine, please, I miss you. I need those lips of yours on me.
Sara smiled and hurried to get ready. Her girl needed her, and the day where she won't be there when Ava needed her wasn't anywhere soon.
I'm back with angst, no surprise here xD But this time, it's Ava's turn to cry her eyes out, so that's new for me. At first, I swear, I was trying to write some light fluff for Avalance, like a chill evening watching Netflix and sharing memories, buuuuut I guess that's a fail… Sorry ? Angst wrote itself on its own. I'm not completely satisfied with the result, however I know I won't make any new changes, so I decided to still share it.
I hoped you enjoyed it. Let me know if I should try out this fluff thingy or if you want more angst ^^
Until next time mates !