Sirius sat down at the table, choosing the chair opposite Harry. He wouldn't admit it to anyone, but he chose this particular one just to be able to stare at his godson freely. The animagus watched him shift awkwardly in the seat under Molly Weasley's motherly gaze and he felt himself frown.
Harry's green eyes, Lily's eyes, found his and Sirius' breath caught in his throat, sharp pain stopping his heart for a second.
It was quite unsettling how much he looked like his father. The messy hair, the circular glasses, his to-become-sharp jawline, his complexion, even down to the way his eyes shone mysteriously. He noticed it before, obviously, but it never ceased to move him.
He forced himself to smile, but when Harry returned the gesture quite shakily, he knew that he failed in making it seem friendly and carefree.
He couldn't help thinking that all of this wasn't fair.
Sirius had been in love with James and he never pretended he hadn't. He loved him since the day they met, in a way, but this love shifted from friendly, then brotherly into something much more intimate, soft, but brutally consuming. He realized what was going on when Prongs got with Lily Evans, but it was too late then, and definitely too late now, years later.
Someone said something to him, and then repeated, but when he didn't reply either time, staring ahead at nothing in particular, they gave up. He heard something about him being in his own little world, but chose to ignore that as well.
He remembered the day James told him he proposed to Evans. It was shortly after they graduated from Hogwarts. He'd been heartbroken, but said something witty instead of crying like he had wanted to. He had been angry, furious even, but not towards James, not even towards Lily. He was furious at himself for letting their relationship happen and at the same time hated himself for even wishing it didn't.
Potter had asked him to be his best man at the wedding. He'd been nervous and unlike himself, which was frankly ridiculous, because when has Sirius ever say no to James?
Lily had looked beautiful on the day of the wedding, even more than she usually had. James had been looking even better, his hair the usual mess, but wearing a muggle suit. Sirius had been wearing one as well, but he doubted he looked half as good as him. They said their vows, exchanged kisses and danced the first dance.
After that, Sirius left, and when he came home, he cried himself to sleep. No more than a few weeks later came the news that Lily was pregnant and the reality of all of it punched him in the gut.
And now they were both dead. The only thing left of them was the thirteen year old boy sitting across the table from Sirius, the boy with a lightning-bolt-shaped scar on his forehead. The boy who lived, but was destined to die.
It was so not fair.
- Sirius? Are you okay?
He turned to his left, eyeing the person who sat there. The man looked familiar, but Black didn't recognize them, wasn't paying enough attention to even try to. He felt something cold on his cheeks, and only then realized that he was crying.
All he wanted was for James to be happy, to have a family with the woman he loved, to raise his children and send them off to school and teach them how to fly a broom and-
That was why he gave up on loving James and it was so not fair that it was all for nothing.
Sirius turned his head to look at Harry. He didn't register the hand that was put on his shoulder in a comforting manner. Tears flowed freely down his face, but he wasn't stopping them, eyes wide open and body shivering.
He stood up and left the room, not able to stand Lily Evan's frightened eyes staring at him from young James's face.