There was nothing he wanted more than to marry Brian.
Nothing would have made him happier than holding him in his arms for the rest of his life.
But he couldn't do it: Justin couldn't allow Brian to erase everything that made him who he was from his personality.
He loved him too much, knew him to well – he would have ended up resenting him.
So now, as Brian slept next to him, he couldn't help but wonder what this meant for them.
Were they over? Could they ever really be?
They had tried to stay away from each other so many times over the years, yet it never really worked.
And truth be told – he didn't want it to.
Justin loved Brian with all he had. Every inch of his soul belonged to the man that had swept him off his feet when he was nothing but a teenager.
And now that he knew Brian felt the same, now that he had finally admitted it, there was no way he was going to let him go.
Kinney moved, unconsciously putting his arm around the man he loved, and Justin couldn't help but smile and push himself closer.
He let his mind wonder, relieving everything that brought him where he was now.
Justin could pin point the exact moment he felt himself falling for Brian: it was the morning after their first night together, when he accepted to drive him to school.
The way he confronted his bullies – like they meant nothing, could do nothing to hurt him – made Justin believe it, too.
From that point on, the man just never ceased to amaze him.
Standing up for him to his father, welcoming him into his home when he had nowhere else to go; accompanying him to prom, and the pure, raw, unmistakable hurt on the older man's face when Justin just couldn't remember that night.
He only later found out that Brian had spent every night with him, never leaving his side, holding on to the scarf that witnessed their dance together.
The memory (or lack thereof) still haunted him to this day, and Justin knew the same was true from Brian.
The list went on and on, and he just couldn't stand the thought of living a life where they weren't there for each other.
The features of the handsome man lying next to him were highlighted by the moonlight coming in from the window, leaving Justin breathless.
A tear ran down his face, then another and another, until he was full on crying before he even knew it.
He didn't want to lose this – he didn't want to lose him, not after fighting so hard to be together.
Brian woke up, and immediately hugged Justin as tight as he could, no questions asked.
The younger man breathed in his smell, the unmistakable mix of alcohol and expensive cologne, while the eldest stroke his hair.
They stayed like that for a while, until Justin had calmed down enough for Brian to ask:
Justin didn't answer, because answering would have meant facing a future he could barely think about, and he didn't want to do that.
He just wanted to stay in bed with the man he loved, possibly alternating that with food and as much as sex as they could take.
He knew it was childish, and that Brain's patience wasn't endless, but he kept his mouth shut nonetheless.
"You can talk to me, Sunshine. Just talk to me." Brian pleaded, gently forcing Justin to look at him in the eyes.
"I just… I don't… I'm just not ready, Bri." He tried to explain, cursing himself for choosing that moment to lose the ability to voice his thoughts.
"Not ready for what?" Asked Brian, the look of concern on his face growing more evident by the second.
"To lose this. You. I know you need to be yourself, and I wouldn't want it any other way, and I know I can't just give up on my career and I know the smartest thing to do would be…" – he cut himself mid sentence, not even willing to say it – "But I don't want to, Brian. I just… I can't. It's killing me to think this could be over when we wake up tomorrow. I thought I was okay with it, but I'm not."
Another tear left his eyes, but this time Brian was quick to wipe it.
Looking at the boy, he felt like there was someone punching him in the guts; seeing him in pain was the last thing he wanted.
"Look-" he started. Talking had never really been his thing. He preferred acting; buying things instead of saying I love you; supporting the people he cared about from afar; doing good was way easier when no one was there to see it.
But now, he really had no choice.
"I don't want it to end either, Sunshine, you know I don't. I love you, and I know being without you is gonna suck, but you need to do whatever you have to be happy. I want you to be happy, Jus, no matter what that looks like " - he stopped for a second – even If I'm not in the picture."
That was a lie if he ever heard one: he wanted to be in the picture, hell he wanted to be the picture, if possible. But after that night at Babylon he promised himself he was never going to be selfish with the people he loved again; and there was no one he loved more than Justin.
Brian breathed in, then out, and rolled over, trying to collect his thoughts. Justin got on top of him.
"There is no way for me to be happy without." He stated, then kissed him with a desire and need that were all but new to them.
"This makes me happy." He continued, slowly placing kisses all over his body.
"You make me happy, Brian" He finished, looking into Brian's eyes to get his point across loud and clear.
"Then we go from there, Sunshine. Together, come whatever."
They crashed their mouths together, hungry for each other, forgetting to breath like they had thousands of times before.
This felt different, though. Permanent. Sicure.
Brian switched places with Justin, who proceeded to turn around.
It wasn't delicate, and it wasn't slow; it was full of lust and hunger and pure intoxication with each other.
The next morning, neither of them cared enough to get up and let everybody know the wedding was off.
It wasn't about them, anyway.
This was just about Brian and Justin, and the life they were going to spend making each other happy.
Whether in a castle or in the loft, in Pittsburgh or New York: it didn't matter.
All that mattered, was them.
"For my prince." Murmured Brian, kissing Justin on the forehead while the other was sleeping.
"I love you too." Said the other, not so asleep after all.