CONFESSIONS


'Dear diary,

Today is my 36th birthday. You'd think that I'd feel some kind of way about it, especially since I'm now an official part of the MDPD Crime Lab. The second chance I needed after the whole mole thing. Going from federal to county never truly bothered me though. The only reason I'd been working at the FBI's lab was so that they could assess my loyalty as an FBI informant. Being poached from a small DNA research facility didn't exactly faze me to begin with though.

There were things I regret, such as: choosing to not to leave my ex-husband when I had the chance, allowing myself to be used as the mole in a sly attempt to take down the lab and not telling Eric I loved him.

And what I don't regret: Things with Eric. Being honest and upfront, despite how much nobody cared for what I had to say.

Monica West told me whatever I did, I shouldn't fall in love while spying. Nobody encouraged me to use Delko's grief induced satyriasis situation against him. And I didn't. If anything, I felt like the vulnerable one. All I wanted was someone I could engage in these rendezvous with that wouldn't only to tell everybody about it. But I didn't seem to be the only one that felt that way.

You don't choose who you fall in love with...

Especially, when it's someone you really don't want to develop feelings for. Because it meant that every time we touched, it meant something in a way it shouldn't. Or wouldn't with anyone else. The butterflies feeling he gave me made me want to disappear.

"You'll get hurt, and it'll ruin everything," They told me, yet I went ahead with my non-committal relationship with Eric. Unaware that when our love affair started, he had been seeing another girl right beforehand.

The damn bracelet.

He knew I didn't wear a bracelet, but still made an error as embarrassing as that.

I told him that I wasn't up for being one of few. If he wanted to do this, then it was a two person thing. Him going off and hooking up with random girls right after me gave me a disgusting feeling inside. Specifically when we'd done it with the untrustworthy pull out being the latter between keeping it safe and borderline risk of pregnancy.

The first time we went out publicly was after Marisol had been shot and he needed some time to unwind from such a tense situation. So I took him out to dinner. Paid for the meal, drinks and even watched football with him. That was a night to remember.

However - that wasn't the end of it - Eric's birthday party had been.

We slept together, with a few shots down but not enough to even class as tipsy. I wondered why it kept happening whenever they agreed it was the last time. Before then, it was after he came back from his trip to Rio. I'd experienced the wave of emotions that not even half his colleagues had witnessed after working with him for a while.

Spending more and more time with him after work made me realize just what I'd missed from our previous infatuation.

My younger sister called me up a few days ago, sobbing and heartbroken, with the question: "How do you know if he loves you?"

All I told her was: "You'll know if he doesn't."

Hell, as if I'd not contradicted myself already with this unrequited love thing.

..but the birthday present he got me changed my mind.

He didn't buy me any expensive gifts or give me a massive presentation on. Instead, he gave me a bouquet yellow roses with red tips. That's when I knew it was no longer a contradictory matter.

I'd kissed his cheek, feeling the warmth of his smooth skin against my lips when I did. He had genuinely smiled. In a way that surprised more than just me.

I thanked him and put them on display in my lab, knowing I'd take them home later and pot them.

When did I learn to trust my heart with decisions that should be made with my head?'

Falling in love; the L-word really did take a toll on some people like myself.

These are my confessions,

"I love you Eric.. no matter what happens to us."


A/N: I'll find a song. Marisol only got shot twice, but didn't die (for context). This story is low-key turning into an EDeN based one shot story but km not mad about it. :)