1Author's Note: Hi there! This is the first fanfic I've ever written. It's basically a crossover of "Hunger Games" and Monty Python. With references from other movies and TV shows as well. Since this is my first fanfic, I wanted it to be as ridiculously funny as possible. Please leave critical feedback in the reviews about what I can improve on so I can improve for my future projects.
Disclaimer: I DO NOT, in any way, shape, or form own the "Hunger Games" series. Suzanne Collins is the rightful author of the series. Since there are references to Monty Python, "Red vs. Blue", "The Dave Chappelle Show", "The Princess Bride", and "Airplane". I also DO NOT, in any way, shape, or form own them.
Warning: There's swearing and violence involved. If you don't know Monty Python, "Red vs. Blue", "Dave Chappelle Show", "Princess Bride", and "Airplane", you may not understand the references.
With one more stab, Gil Gilliam, this year's male tribute from Four. Finishes off the Girl from Ten, his third kill in the Games so far.
With a smile, the cowgirl fell between the nerd from Three and the taxi driver from Six, all sharing similar smiles, content.
Afterall, they finally managed to achieve their dreams of kissing an actual hottie.
Gil smirked as he began cleaning the rather dirty fork he used to kill the girls. Knowing that the Bloodbath ended. He walked away to regroup with his allies.
There was his district partner, Mira Idle, who a minute ago used a sledgehammer to send the Boy from Eight flying to the air. He finally came back down when he hit the forcefield, breaking his neck when he touched the ground.
Marvel Impalin, a spear expert from One who just finished impaling the Boy from Five and turning him into a scarecrow of sorts.
Glimmer Jones, a shitty archer who somehow, managed to shoot one hundred arrows into the chest of the Girl from Nine.
Speaking of District Nine, for reasons that I, The Narrator, can't explain. After Clove Cleese threw a knife into the Boy from Nine's back. She proceeded to disembowel the boy, removed all of his organs and bones, and stuffed grass and dirt into him. After that, well, she just left. That's it… she just… left.
Finally, there's…
Ugh, he just had to survive the Bloodbath, Gil thought with disdain.
Standing in front of Gil and the pack is Cato Chapman from Two.
Below Cato lay the bodies of the Boy from Six and both tributes from Seven. Strangely, with smiles on their faces and no indicator of stab wounds.
"What the-?! How in the actual hell did you kill them without any weapons?!" Gil shouted, incredulously.
"With this," Cato said, as he pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket.
The Careers skimmed through the piece of paper. They quickly realized what it is.
"Holy shit, it's the killer joke!" Marvel yelled out, surprised.
"Not just any killer joke, the killer joke," Clove said, as she covered her mouth, shocked.
"Where did you find it?" Glimmer inquired.
"Behind the sword rack," Cato replied, shrugging. "I'm amazed the higher-ups let the Gamemakers put this in the Arena to begin with. My grandpa said that joke warfare was banned after the First Rebellion."
"Thank goodness we've all been trained to not feel any humor," Mira said, relaxing.
It was both a blessing and a curse that the Careers didn't feel any humor. A blessing, since it allowed them to not die laughing, but a curse since they no longer have any humor left anymore.
"Alright you guys," Cato said, putting the joke away. "Let's get ready for tonight. Outliers ain't going to kill themselves you know."
"Unless they're stupid to get killed by tracker jackers," Glimmer said, counting her arrows.
As the Careers pack their supplies, Gil glared daggers at Cato.
From the moment they first met, Gil hated, no, despised Cato. Gil's hatred for the brute got even worse when Cato proclaimed himself to be the leader of the pack.
Gil seethed at the memory, how could the rest of his allies just be okay with Cato leading them when Gil was the obvious choice as leader.
Gil's strong, fast, smart, and he's definitely hotter than Cato.
Not only that, but he has a unique skill. One he has always bragged about.
Gil's train of thought was lost when he saw a figure coming towards the Cornucopia with arms raised. A boy with blond hair and blue eyes was approaching.
As the boy got closer, Gil realized who it was. It was Peeta Mellark, the Boy from Twelve, who, alongside Bitch on Fire, outclassed everyone, even the Careers.
Gil was just about to throw a harpoon into the boy's chest, until Cato made him lower his weapon.
"About time you got here, Lover Boy," Cato said, while crossing his arms. "Was worried we would have to hunt you down if you didn't show up."
"Wasn't planning on it," Peeta said, slowly lowering his arms.
"Cato, what the hell is this?" Gil said, while keeping an eye on the baker.
"Lover Boy here is going to lead us to Bitch on Fire," Cato explained. "He wants her gone just as much as we do."
Gil observed Peeta from head to toe. He got the feeling that Peeta was up to no good. Not like Cato had any brains to see it.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Gil asked, slowly turning toward Cato.
Cato raised an eyebrow and turned around towards the other Careers. "You guys didn't tell him?"
"I thought Marvel told him," Clove said, playing with her knives.
"I told Glimmer and Mira to," Marvel said, while sharpening his spears.
"We both just forgot," Mira replied while Glimmer ate chocolate covered frogs.
"You all agreed without inviting me?!" Gil exclaimed.
"Please, this is the best decision we've came up with. It will be fine," Cato said, patting Gil on on the back.
At this, Gil snapped.
"You guys are fucking idiots!" Gil angrily yelled out. "Not only did you choose Biggus Dickus over here as leader! You let Peeta into our pack! Who's probably, no, one hundred percent likely to lead us to nothing, potentially sabotage us, and is going to outright betray us!"
There was a tense silence. Everyone was staring at Gil. He did not just say what he said, right?
Everyone slowly turned towards Cato.
With a dull expression, Cato asked, "What did you just call me?"
"I said Biggus Dickus, you moron!" Gil shouted as he got into Cato's face. "Do I have to be the pack babysitter or what?!"
Gil grabbed a dead fish off the ground and slapped Cato across the face with it.
Cato stood there, arms still crossed for a while. It was until a few seconds later that Cato slowly drew his sword from his sheath and inhaled as much air as possible.
It has begun.
"KILL HIM!" Cato yelled.
Everybody got their weapons and quickly surrounded Gil. Even Peeta joined in, wanting to get on the Careers good side.
Gil, however, was undeterred. In fact, he was fine with it. This was the perfect chance to not only get rid of his stupid allies early, but to prove to Panem why his district chose him as the male tribute in the first place.
As Gil grabbed another dead fish from the ground, Cato pointed his sword toward Gil. "I'm going to turn you into chum, Four."
"Why, surely you can't be serious?" Gil asked innocently.
"I am serious…" Cato said as he marched toward Gil.
Bingo, Gil thought.
"…And don't call me Shirley!" Cato yelled as he raised his sword high.
Before Cato can even land a hit on Gil. Gil, with great speed, continuously hits Cato's face with the two dead fish he's holding. It wasn't until hit number two hundred and forty-one, that Gil send Cato spinning in the air and hitting the ground.
The mere sight of Gil single handedly knocking Cato out scared the shit out of everyone. Literally, in Marvel's case.
All at once, everyone realized what type of skill Gil bragged about using.
He was a master of the art of fish slapping!
"What are you guys waiting for?! Kill him!" Cato shouted after spitting dirt out of his mouth.
All at once, everyone charged toward Gil. Gil gracefully leaped into the air, landed on the tip of Peeta's spear, and knocked everyone out with his fish.
"Woohoo! Who's next?!" Gil yelled like a madman.
Unbeknownst to Gil, Cato recovered and tip-toed in rather cartoon-ish fashion toward Gil.
With one powerful swing from Cato's sword, Gil's left arm got severed.
Gil paused, looked down, and saw his arm in a pool of blood on the ground.
"Inconceivable," Gil simply said.
"Now you die, Four," Cato said, raising his sword.
"Ha! Tis' but a scratch!" Gil proudly proclaimed.
Now, Cato was fully expecting Gil to say a few last words, but what Gil said was truly bizarre.
Indeed, Gil's words left Cato screaming, "A scratch?! Your arm's off!"
"No it isn't," Gil quickly said.
"Well what's that then?!" Cato said, pointing his sword at Gil's arm.
Gil stared blankly at his arm. Until he turned his attention toward Cato.
"Eh, my arm's probably pining for the fjords," Gil calmly explained.
Cato stared at Gil in disbelief at what he just said. So confused was Cato that he turned toward you, the reader. Hoping you have an answer to Gil's madness. Sorry Cato. What Gil just said is more confusing for the reader than it confuses you.
"Pining for the fjords?! What kind of talk is that?!" Cato yelled, turning his attention back to Gil. "It's bleeding demised! Dead! Deceased! Passed on! It is no more! It's as dead as a doornail! A stiff! A cadaver! A relic of the past! It's out of commission! Bereft of life! It has expired and has gone up to join the choir invisible! That arm is an ex-arm! Trust me I would know, because I killed it! Slaughtered it! I've murdered that arm with this sword! It has fallen on the field of battle! Slain by me! Why is it so hard to understand?!"
By now, Cato is panting hard after his tirade, his point made.
Gil, on the other hand, doesn't seem concerned in the slightest bit as he stares at Cato. "I've had worse."
"You liar!" Cato shouted.
"Come at me, you pansy!" Gil mocked.
Oh, this is the perfect time to use my ninety-twenties sports announcer voice!
Despite losing an arm, Gil is swinging wildly at Cato with his dead fish! Oh wait, what's this?! Cato is getting the upper hand after disarming Gil! Now Gil has to dodge Cato's attacks and-Oh! Gil has just tripped on a sleeping bag! It looks like it's over for Gil, but wait! Gil has just thrown a coconut at Cato's face! Now Gil is throwing more and more coconuts at Cato! The crowd is going wild! Despite taking a beating, Cato isn't giving up! He's charging, he's swinging, and down goes Gil's other arm! I don't think his arm will get up! Thresh is checking the arm and Thresh is waving his arms! It's all over folks! Your winner by way of first round sword swing is Cato! Thresh is raising Cato's arm and… and…
Wait, what's Thresh doing here?
Both Thresh and Cato stared at each other. It wasn't long before Thresh heatbutted Cato, stole more supplies, and ran back to his wheat field.
"You have to be kidding me?!" Cato yelled, rubbing his nose. "This cannot get any-Aaargh! The fuck?!"
Despite losing both of his arms, Gil has just kicked Cato in the nuts. Jumping up and down as he stares down at Cato.
"I'm Gil Gilliam, bitch!" Gil yelled triumphantly.
"Seriously?! You're still fighting after losing both arms and bleeding profusely?! That doesn't seem physically possible!" Cato yelled, as he clutched his balls, in pain.
"Always look on the bright side of life, Cato!" Gil yelled out, laughing like a madman. "At least now, I can give you and those weaklings a slow and painful beatdown! Hahaha!"
For once in his life, Cato is utterly afraid of what was to come next. Things were looking grim.
That is, until something landed and glued itself on Gil's head.
"Wait, what's that on your head?" Cato asked, pointing at the thing on Gil's head.
"What? Is it a spider? Get it off me! Get it off me!" Gil shouted, hyperventilating.
"No, it's not a-Are you kidding me?! You're afraid of spiders?! Fucking spiders?!" Cato yelled in disbelief.
"What is it then?" Asked Gil after immediately calming down.
"Well, spiders don't beep. So…" Cato said slowly.
"Well, thank goodness it's not a spider. Otherwise, I would've -."
Before Gil could finish, the thing exploded. Effectively turning Gil into pieces of gore.
Even being turned into gore didn't stop Gil from saying his last words.
"Herk, I'm dead, blah…" Gil said.
It was amazing that Cato and the rest of his allies survived that explosion despite being six feet apart.
"Huh, guess mom saying that standing six feet apart from people keeps you safe after all." Cato reminded himself as he got up.
"What happened?" Clove said as she and the others woke up.
"I honestly… don't know. Let's just forget it ever happened and start hunting," Cato said as he quickly grabbed his sword and supplies.
The pack quickly got their gear and set out to hunt without a word.
What the Careers don't realize is that a tribute was watching from afar, hidden in the bushes.
In his satchel, gotten near his pedestal during the Bloodbath, were several globus crucigers or orbs with Christian crosses on top of them, as I like to call them.
The tribute slowly headed toward the Cornucopia. Once there, he grabbed a backpack and stuff as many supplies as possible. He approached a piece of gore and kicked it.
"This is for my district partner, you monster," The boy said, sending a good spit at the pile.
He then came across his partner, kneeled beside her, and closed her eyes.
"You just had to die for a stupid kiss, did you Carol?" The boy said, shaking his head.
He got up and headed towards the direction where the Careers had gone.
"With my sticky holy hand grenades of Antioch. They'll be no match for me," The boy muttered.
As he almost reached the forest, a smirk appeared on his face.
"Because no one expects the cripple from Ten," The boy said, as he hobbled to catch up with the Careers.
After the cripple entered the forest, eleven cannons fired. Each signaled the death of a tribute.
Among the dead, was Gil.
One of the most powerful tributes Panem has ever seen.
Blown to pieces by one of Panem's weakest.
…
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…
Alright then! I've done my job well! Now for something completely different.
…
…
…
What are you waiting for? You can go now. Get on with it. Get on with it!
Well, what do you guys think? Was it funny or not? Seriously, do a review on what things I can improve on for this fanfic if you guys have the chance. After re-reading this, I feel like I rely too much on references, but what the hell? It's Fanfiction. Hopefully the original stuff I've come up with like the funny narration is funny. See ya when I publish my next fanfic. :)
Fun Facts: The last names of the Careers were based on the last names of the six members of Monty Python: John Cleese, Graham Chapman, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Michael Palin, and Terry Gilliam. The reason why Marvel's last name wasn't Palin is because I saw an opportunity to do a play on words thing, so instead of Palin it's Impalin, get it! Because Marvel's good with spears. The reason why I named the Girl from Ten, Carol is because Carol Cleveland was an actress that appeared in several episodes of "Monty Python's Flying Circus".