Are you with me
There's nothing you can do or say Carter. Just let go.
Please… Don't do that. Don't go.
She got into the taxi, without giving him a final look. He was standing there, unable to move or talk. The snow was falling on him, the cold was the only thing he could feel. His soul felt empty, like a piece was missing and the rest of it was destroyed. The taxi left before any of them changed their minds. How could this be the end ? How could it be it ?
Chapter 1 : Not yet
There were things Abby couldn't explain. She couldn't explain how alcohol was so hard to get away from. She couldn't explain why she needed it to stop the thoughts. Why it was the only way to get rid of the pain. And she couldn't explain how Carter was the only substitute to alcohol. The only arms she wanted to hold her. The only odour she wanted on her pillows. The only voice she wanted to hear saying "it's going to be okay".
She would go through the day, do her job, do it good. She was physically there. Her mind was there.. Just enough to do what she had to do. But not enough to be herself anymore. She would finish the day and walk home. She would stop at the liquor store on the corner of her street. She would get a few bottles of beer, maybe some whiskey. And then she would go home. She didn't really eat dinner anymore. She was not hungry. She wouldn't have energy to cook anyway. She just wanted to get home, in the silence of her apartment.
But there would always be this time. This moment of the night when life seemed too much. Too complicated to be able to breathe. When everything was just overwhelming and when the alcohol was not enough anymore to help her. As time went by, nights were getting harder and harder. Breathing was getting more difficult.
Don't give up. Not yet. No matter how hard this gets.
She would repeat this words again and again. But her voice had no power anymore. It was long gone.
She was lost in her thoughts, looking at the pile of documents she had to through.
Carter was looking at her with both curiosity and tenderness.
What you thinking about ? He said with a smile.
Not much. Did you need something ?
Carter gave her a patient's chart she forgot to sign.
It's missing your signature.
She quickly grabbed the chart and signed before giving it back to him.
I was thinking that maybe… maybe we could grab some dinner tonight.
Abby was torn. She wanted to see him. God, she wanted to be with him every chances she got. She wanted long conversations that would keep them awake all night long, she wanted to feel his arms around her. But she couldn't let him see what she had become.
I would have liked that but.. I can't tonight I'm sorry.
Carter was used to Abby's responses. But for some reason, it was always painful. He would always hope for a better answer.
Carter smiled quickly and left. He hoped she would stop him, tell him that she actually wanted to spend time with him. But nothing.
She watched him walk away in silence. She wanted to scream to him to wait, tell him she'd go out with him. But something kept her quiet. Her voice was gone once more. She could've run after him, grabbed his arm and smile. But she just walked away too, fighting the tears that had come into her eyes.
The day came to an end, and Abby did her daily stop to the liquor stop. She got home with more than the usual amount she would get.
This is really bad… She said to herself.
She spent the night drinking, thinking of the conversations she would be having at this precise moment if she had been a better person. Someone who would be able to let Carter in. Someone Carter deserves.