Chapter 3: The Wreckoning.

About the author: Buster Manwomb has an alter ego that accidentally became a bestselling novelist, and they are supremely disappointed how little that means in Canada.

Jeffrey Epstein was used to being choked, but not usually by a fully grown adult. This was much worse.

"Hey Jeffrey. Hi, billionaire's lackey." Willow walked into the cell. "Far be it from me to stop a pedophile from getting strangled, but Imma need to stop you there."

Willow threw the ghoulish coin at Epstein, and his flesh stretched and folded until a fiery vortex opened within him, as if Santa had used him as the sacrifice for the Death Ritual of Christmas (See: 69 Hues of Christmas for more exciting eldritch action!) the goon, who was hired to strangle somebody, moved to strangle Willow, only to be dragged unto the vortex with him.

A realm beyond comprehension, every creature, every limb, every digit in the chaos realm was no size and every size. The was no sense of scale, no relief from the pained strain of the mind as it gazed unto the truest manifestation of infinity it could ever attempt to perceive.

At least, that's how it was for the pedophile-strangling goon, whose mind shredded itself from the inside out gazing upon horrors that the human mind could never hope to conceptualize, even when faced with its perception.

Willow, on the other hand, quickly started chewing the gumball of survivable perception, and spent his entire time in the chaos realm thinking he was surrounded by a terrifying but perceivable number of bananas.

As he walked through the outskirts of the banana realm, he found the bus station at wish the flesh book was waiting. It looked like normal book with a pale leather cover. Sorry, it would have were it not covered in bulbous clusters of quivering human lips.

"Are you Columbo's flesh book?" Willow asked, giving it maybe a 50/50 chance it would answer.

"The next wizard villain tries to surgically force slytherins into becoming hufflepuffs." The lips brainstormed. "All while the banker goblins foreclose diagon alley."

"I really wish that didn't sound about right." Willow said, preparing to leave.

"No." A voice boomed.

Willow turned around. The biggest and baddest banana loomed over the horizon, lithely lumbering towards Willow.

"You insolent interloper!" Banana Cthulhu roared! "Steal my idea booklet! Plagiarize my ideas!"

"This thing's yours?!" Willow wondered loudly, but to no response.

"The insolence of mortals!" Banana Cthulhu bellowed. "I Shall bathe your plane of existence in fire and darkness!"

Willow had no idea what to do, and no hope to stop Cthulhu's attack.

"Will no the let!" Marcus Fenix does a heroic, leap the Epstein Flesh Portal: through. "Prepares the orphans, fight Cthulhu!"

"…What?" Willow asked.

"Orphans, the many sacrifice!" Ronald McDonald. "A bulwark of fast food, save the humanity!"

From somewhere, heroic orchestral music swelled as Marcus Fenix and Ronald McDonald did some sweet magical girl poses, tacquitos and big macs orbiting around them in a glorious shimmer.

"…WHAT?!" Willow asked, having not Read 69 Hues the Dazed Knee 9: Wars of the Gears for whatever rumour of context he may gleam through the alternative interpretations of grammar.

"High level orphan charge!" Marcus and Ronald do the dragonball fuse: Marcald McDenix. "Big Mac Attack!"

So sayeth the rules of Pokemon, big mac: 2x damage bonus against banana: super effective. Cthulhu the beat. For now.

"Voldemort becomes trans, and the sjws don't want to look intolerant by stopping him." The flesh book hissed transphobically.

"Chaos Realm: the 'splodey!" Marcald the warn, grapping Willow and toy walrus, throw the walrus and make the chaos realm all 'splodey."

And so Willow escaped out of the chaos realm, making it through the portal just as the walrus nuke exploded. Marcus Fenix and Ronald McDonald unfused and gave themselves an out-of-focus dramatic high five, Vegan Police-In-The-Scott-Pilgrim-Movie-Style, and disappeared into the sunset.

Oh what, that wasn't a sunset. Someone set fire to the prison to destroy the 'proof' of Epstein's 'suicide'.

Deciding it was a good time to leave, Willow escaped with the flesh book and found Columbo's cave.

"You're back!" Columbo declared as the book ate baby Harry Potter, returning him to his fictional universe and setting the balance of the universe to ease.

"trans people become ghosts, but they're always the gender they're born as." The flesh book whispered.

"Yeah, so Cthulhu is transphobic, and I'm angry that I have no reason to know that. Can I throw this out?" Willow asked, throwing the transphobic flesh book into a fire seconds before Columbo, after seconds of deep contemplation, said 'okay."

"That was disturbing and pointless." Willow declared, returning home to watch Star Trek: Lower Decks, and accidentally continue his streak of exposing himself to disturbing and pointless things.

"You know, I don't need the flesh book for ideas!" Columbo declared to himself reassuringly. "I was writing my own Harry Potter book, and I'm sure it'll be just as culturally significant at the rest! yes, I'm sure people will LOVE Harry Potter and the Cursed Child!"


Author's note: Columbo does not benefit from your financial support. Please to not buy Harry Potter anything.