312Apologies to those who find this offensive I am merely working on the elements of the shows I hope no one is offended that is not my intention please enjoy
"Naruto Archer the world's most deadliest assassin" a man with a russian accent "know all around the world by different titles Maelstrom, The silent leaf, The demonic fox, The angel of mercy, The assassin with a grace, Sage, and the man of life and death" he said smoking his cigar
"Yeah that's me" Naruto said simply and calmly "assassin and doctor conflicting jobs" he said calmly
"So for us this is how you say? A good get, not so good for you Mr. Archer. Because you have information I want, and this may be old cliche but..." The russian soldier said as he held a pair of power cables attached to a car battery. "We have ways of making you talk." he said menacingly
Naruto chucked at the old fashion interrogation phrase. "Hey I'm a fan of the classics. Good choice, it works really well with the Russian accent." he said to him complimenting his authenticity
"Oh really? Thanks, that means a lot. I've been working hard on it all week." The guard said losing his Russian accent.
"Son of a bitch!" A woman shouted, getting both men's attention as the lights came on in the room revealing a elderly woman standing outside the cell through a glass mirror.
"Naruto! What is the point of these simulations?" The woman asked
"To ignite your dirty S&M Fetishes? Come on ma I've seen your homemade porn." Naruto chuckled earning a glare from his mother
"This is serious!" the woman said in frustration
"Yeah, but come on. I've been in worse situations than this and it's always the same. I break loose, I kick ass, I take names, I complete the mission." Naruto said, shrugging his shoulders before yanking his arms free of the restraints. "Plus I heard Sterling fucked up his turn right Crenshaw" he said as this was a yearly 'test' on how they handled interrogation each a different style and fashion
"You have no idea" Crenshaw said as he enjoyed shocking Sterling
(next morning)
Within his bedroom Sterling walked out of the room accompanied by a lovely danish stewardess while Naruto was busy at work cooking breakfast.
"Do I smell hickory smoked sausage, and bacon, buttermilk pancakes and fresh squeezed fruit punch?" Sterling asked with a superior grin thinking he guessed correctly
"Oh! So close it's waffles today bro." Naruto replied while his brother slapped his forehead.
"Damn it! Of course how did I not miss the cinnamon, you only add it cinnabuns or waffles. stupid, stupid, stupid." Archer said, while Naruto chuckled
"Well stupid why don't you Svetlana get some plates the foods almost done." Naruto said taking up a plate with cut up sausages and setting it down before whistling, running over was a small adorable pug anxious eating his meal.
"Oh how thoughtful of you." Svetlana said with a smile.
"Good to see you Svetlana" Naruto sending her a wink as they banged occasionally before she slept with his brother
"Hey unlike my brother I don't blame all dogs for one bad one." Naruto said giving him a look
"That dog was the devil in canine form and you know it!" Sterling shouted as he hated that dog and hoped it was in hell. "Also where the hell is Woodhouse" he asked curiously
"Oh come on bro, Duchess wasn't...okay she was but come on she made mom happy." Naruto said as even though the dog didn't do anything to him he hated how it treated Sterling "also I'm giving him the day off" he said as the man deserved it after all he did raise them
"Yeah, but in what way?" Sterling asked, causing the brothers to shiver recalling how close their mother was with her late dog. "Honestly why couldn't she have gotten a fox, foxes are cool, and loyal." he said as Naruto had a weird way with that animal
"I thought you were a cat person" Naruto said as last month they were at the zoo and Sterling gushed over a tiger
"Eh" Sterling said as he ate his food
(later at ISIS)
"You're lucky your brother paid your debts" the owner of the laundromat said to him
"Fuck off" Sterling said as he grabbed his shirt and pressed a button on a washing machine "thanks man" he said to Naruto
"No problem, you know mother might kill you if you don't settle that operations account" Naruto said to him seriously
"Oh please" Sterling said as they arrived at the lobby
"Hi Naruto" the receptionist said to him giving him a wink "go to hell" she said looking at Sterling and flipped him off
"Why do all women hate me but love you" Sterling asked him as he and Naruto slept around a lot and sometimes slept with women the other slept either on accident or not caring that the other did it with that woman and as they walked people waved at Naruto and flipped Sterling off
"You're kidding right" Naruto asked him in a serious tone
"He better be" a beautiful dark skinned woman wearing a white sweater dress said walking toward them, she had low E-cup breasts, curvy and athletic body, and a bubbly firm ass
"Hey buddy" Naruto said as he and Lana were best friends ever since she first came to ISIS as they had a lot in common
"Hey bud" Lana said kissing his cheek "how's dealing with this asshole" she asked looking at Sterling with a glare
"Hey Lana what's this smell like" Sterling asked not caring about her insult and more focused on identifying the smell
"Like the dysfunctional asshole I dumped 6 months ago" Lana said to him "so go jump up your own ass and die" she said as she left
"I swear I still remember all that HR mediation" Naruto said as Lana and Sterling brought him as they felt Pam wasn't a neutral party
"I still remember that punch" Sterling said as when Pam poked him with her dolphin hand puppet he lost it as Lana and him had been yelling at each other and in his anger fueled mind he was gonna hit Pam with her puppet but Naruto socked him in the face knocking him out cold
Before Naruto could say anything "is that Archer" Cyril said as he came out of his office putting on his suit jacket and fixing his glasses
'Were he and Lana having sex' Naruto thought curiously as Lana just walked out that room and Cyril looked like he was getting dressed , he then smiled as his brother basically played the misdirection angle on Cyril
"You all know about Cyril and Lana right because if Pam knows everyone knows" Sterling said loudly "now if you'll excuse me good day" he said silently chuckling
"Dick" Pam(Archer Vice version) said walking up to Naruto, she had F-cup breasts, curvy body, and large round ass
"He can be but he is kinda right you do gossip" Naruto said to her
"I can't help it" Pam said whiningly as he kissed her cheek
"I gotta go make sure my brother doesn't I don't know do something completely insane" Naruto said as he saw his brother walk into the office "hey Cheryl you mind buzzing me in" he said and then stopped as he noticed her dried up tear marks on her "you ok" he asked her curiously
"Yeah Mr Archer stood me up last night" Cheryl said as she felt a little calmer now, she had very large DD-cup breasts, slim but curvy body, and a nice round ass
"I swear" Naruto said as his brother was sex on legs not always keeping commitments
(1 hour later)
"I swear dude you gotta stop talking to shit like it's alive" Naruto said as Sterling was talking to the door to the mainframe
"Oh please" Sterling said as he shot the door and hit Brett
"I'll go treat him" Naruto said as he had medical training and field medic experience
"I still can't believe you're a doctor and went to god damn law school" Archer said to him
"Had to do something with my free time" Naruto said as he shrugged and treated Brett's wound as it was a through and through "hey Crenshaw" he said as Crenshaw walked by
"Hi Naruto how's the foot Archer" Crenshaw said smugly to Sterling
"Fine how are the burns" Sterling said smugly
"What burns" Crenshaw asked until Sterling hit the bottom of his coffee cup and made the coffee spill all over Crenshaw
(few minutes later)
"She won't help you man" Naruto said as his brother was gonna try and get Pam's help to get into the mainframe as she somehow had a way in
"Oh shut up this'll totally work" Sterling said to him as he bought a box of donuts
They walked into the Pam's office and saw Pam talking to Kreiger with her dolphin
"We really need to put a leash on you" Naruto said giving Kreiger a look "dude I mean c'mon why in the break room fridge" he said as Kreiger was apparently jerking off and or screwing the food in the break room fridge
"Yeah dude and Pam if you want pastries that are suppose to be cream filled" Sterling said opening the box of donuts
"Piss off" Pam said to him
"Awe c'mon you're banging my brother can't you help me out" Sterling said as Naruto and Pam banged together a lot
"Hey!" Naruto shouted. "Do I announce your relationships out loud!" said a little angrily as he and Pam did it a lot as they hung out a lot and she came to him when she needed to be patched up after some of her illegal fights and sometimes they had sex
"Now that I think about, there was that time you told mom I was fuck-" Sterling was saying till Naruto beat him to the punch
"She was a KGB agent! No doubt trying to seduce you bro. I did what I had to do to save your life." Naruto said as he pointed that out as a KGB agent tried to seduce and kill him.
"And what I do with your brother is none of your business asshole." Pam said to him heatedly
"It is when you forget to close the bathroom door." Sterling said with a chuckle earning a slap on the back of the neck from his brother. "Hey! I'm the older brother here and we share the penthouse!" he said to them
"Then stop acting like a little baby all the time!" Naruto shouted back. "Also you forget what happened when you beat her with that dolphin doll! See almost had stitches and peed herself." he said as his brother and Lana were having another HR meeting and he wasn't there and the moment he heard Pam scream he gave Sterling a black eye
"Well you kicked me in the nuts after the black eye, so I think we're even. Besides I need Pam's help for a mole hunt." Sterling said, causing the blond to gasp with excitement. "Gasp you should. Because if you let me in the mainframe, I'll drop these donuts then you can pretend there marbles and you're hungry, hungry-" he was saying till he was interrupted
"Judo Chop!" Naruto said, striking his brother in the head.
"Fucking Austin Powers wannabe!" The elder brother whined and rubbed his head in pain.
"Oh please you watched them just as much as I did." Naruto smirked before they noticed Lana walking by.
"Lana! Look I know I'm supposed to be up my own ass right now but..." Sterling began, Lana knocked the donuts out of his hands. "Is that what you want?!" he asked her angrily
"Yep!" Lana said putting heavy emphasis on her response
"Because that's how you get ants!" Sterling said pretending like he cared but still didn't desire them
"Yaaaaay" Lana said with a joyful tone knowing that annoyed Sterling
"Cyril my favorite section head." Sterling said as he walked into the geek's office.
"What do you want?" Cyril said in annoyance not wanting to be hazed or teased
"For you to grow a pair.." Sterling said under his breath, for the life of him he couldn't understand why a strong willed, perfect example of a female spy like Lana would choose this guy when she could have any man in the world. "I came to apologize for my behavior." he said fighting back the urge to violently throw up
"Oh?" Cyril said in surprise thinking they could start on a new leaf
"And also to...what are you doing?" Archer asked, seeing an assortment of vegetables.
"Dicing veggies for dinner, I always make Lana stir fry on Friday." Cyril said, earning a glare from Archer at the word make. "Guess what we call it?" he asked him in slight excitement
"Stir Fryday?" Sterling asked thinking off the top of his head
"Wow that's actually better. Can I use that?" Cyril asked in curiosity
"Fuck no." Sterling said walking out the room realizing this wasn't worth it as he walked out and saw Naruto talking to Cheryl "you guys wanna grab something to eat" he asked actually hungry
"You have your wallet" Naruto asked him knowing for a fact he didn't as he left it at home but he grabbed it and still had it
Sterling actually had the decency to check himself and let out a sigh
"Here" Naruto said as he tossed the wallet to Sterling
"Thanks" Sterling said as his mind was honestly all over the place
(half hour)
"You wanna break into the mainframe and have Cheryl do it" Naruto asked letting out a laugh "dude she's a secretary she only has access to things our mother gives her Cyril is the only one in the building she lets into the mainframe since he is the accountant" he said to him "plus I told you to be smarter with your money operations or otherwise" he said as he knew Sterling spent it on high stakes food, women, gambaling, drugs, and even a lemur and also about 50 grand on his bug out bag which Naruto covered for him as he wanted Sterling to know he supported him if he wanted to get out
"Yeah ok well will you help me get in or what" Sterling asked his brother
"Done deal" Naruto said to him "can you keep quiet" he asked Cheryl
"Sure" Cheryl said to him as she blushed as Naruto was more preferable to Sterling as he was kinder
"Also lunch is on me" Naruto said as he paid for the meal
"Why can't you be like that" Cheryl asked Sterling sending him a look
"Oh shut up" Sterling said as he left to go get supplies
(later at night)
"I'm sorry who is this" Naruto said over the phone with Cyril using an untraceable phone recording him say his name before hanging up "seriously he's to easy I mean who says their full name so firmly and clearly over the phone like that" he asked as Cyril made it way to easy
"I swear I would've messed with him longer" Sterling said as they walked to the mainframe
"Hi I'm a huge fan cock have a tiny dick and my name is" Naruto said as he played Cyril saying his name "I swear we need to up our security" he said as he saw a mouse run by
"What's the password" Sterling asked him wondering if he knew as he honestly didn't think this far ahead
"Guest" Naruto said as Sterling looked at him skeptically and was amazed it actually worked
"No way that's just baby town frolic" Sterling said in amazement
"You spent 9 grand today what is wrong with you" Naruto asked him as Sterling was missing 20 grand "ok ISIS has over 50 agents in the field if I make all of them lose a certain amount around 400 dollars you should be good" he said as he did as he said
"Smart under the radar move" Crenshaw said as he came in with a gun
"Oh for the love of why are you here you prick" Sterling asked in annoyance
"Because idiot he's/I'm the mole" Naruto and Crenshaw said at the same time making Sterling and Crenshaw look at Naruto in surprise
"Ever since the day you started with the rest of us and when Luke Troy left I looked into the other agents" Naruto said as Crenshaw was one of the original ISIS hires "and I found a few missing details with your identity so I dug deeper and found out he's a russian agent known as Krememnsky" he said to them
"So you've waited likea decade to do something knowing all this" Sterling asked him incredulously
"No dip ass I filled in a few agents that helped me out like Gillette and-me" Naruto was saying till Lana came in and interrupted him
"Oh for the love of" Sterling said as he kicked Crenshaw in the chest sending him flying "Lana! Crenshaw's a mole! And his name's not really Crenshaw, it's Kremensky! Definitely Russian, possibly a Jew, I don't know! Thoughts?" he asked trying to redirect him and Naruto breaking in on Kremensky
"Yeah, shut up. And you drop it." Lana said pointing a pistol at Kremensky.
"Or what" Kremensky said challengingly
"No, no, no. Do not wind her up. That is a big gun, and she is baby-crazy." Archer said causing Lana to gasp and glare at Sterling
'Oh shit' Naruto thought as this would end badly
"Baby-crazy?!" Lana asked him getting closer aiming her gun at Sterling's face
"That's why I dumped her." Sterling said to the others as he reached for his gun
"You little-You sack of shit. I dumped you because you're dragging around a 35-year-old umbilical cord!" Lana shouted, the two agents getting right in each other's faces aiming their respective guns at the other.
"See? All you talk about is baby shit because you're baby crazy!" Sterling said to her heatedly
"You wanna see crazy?" Lana said jamming her gun right up under Archer's chin, with Archer doing the same.
"No, I've seen that movie and spoiler alert, it ends with a closetful of my suits on fire!" Archer shouted
"I wish you'd been wearing one!" Lana said wanting to see him burn
"Who would wanna wear an on-fire suit?!" Sterling asked loudly a little curious
"Cosplay enthusiasts! Wait, no! Shit!" Lana said as she regretted saying that
"Do you even hear how totally batshit insane you sound?! And of course you'd know about cosplay with all those Catwoman outfits you own!" Sterling said knowing Lana was into some freaky stuff
"Hey! Black Catwomen deserve more respect! It's like they don't even exist anymore since that god awful movie was made." Lana said rolling her of a certain classic movie
"I thought you liked that movie?" Naruto asked her as Lana invited him to a movie night she and Cyril had
"Cyril does, doesn't live up to the hype it's like they mixed Eartha Kitt's with Michelle Pfeiffer." Lana said as she thought it was ok at best
"That's what i said!" Sterling said not liking he wasn't in the conversation and also voicing his thoughts
"Geez why don't you two just go in Malory's office and fuck on her desk like you used to because I'm seeing alot of pent up sexual tension in this room." Kremensky said, walking out the elevator handcuffed with Naruto.
(few minutes later)
Sterling had a sour look as he watched as Cyril and Lana drove away as Malory did as well.
"God that fucking prick." Sterling said as he hated how weak and pathetic Cyril was and felt less angry as Naruto pats his shoulder.
"Ya know, if you just got over your issues Lana might just take you back." Naruto said to him
"I don't have any issues!" Sterling said angrily
"Really? So, when Lana talked about starting a family, the crippling abandonment, the constant bullying from our mother didn't make you question your ability to raise a child fearing that you'd be inadequate and fail as a parent dooming your son or daughter to a sad childhood like you did." Naruto said, looking at his brother who had his head down as a tear fell from his eye.
"I...I don't have any issues." Sterling said in a whisper-like voice.
"Yeah bro, yeah ya do. You've just gotta let go of the past and move towards the future. Don't let others' mistakes make you doubt yourself, otherwise you'll never get more out of life." Naruto said as they drove home
(few minutes later)
"Hello sirs" Woodhouse said a he had dinner prepared for them
"Thank you Woodhouse you are a treasure please join us" Naruto said giving Sterling a look daring him to say something mean
"Thank you sir" Woodhouse said as he enjoyed
(few weeks later)
"Pleasure to see you Gussy" Naruto said to the man politely
"Naruto good to see you and your family as always are you enjoying the festivities" Gussy asked him curiously
"Yes very much thank you" Naruto said as on his way in he noticed a man wearing a dress so he checked the outline of said dress and saw a bunch of dynamite
"A pleasure as always you always seem to be there in the nick of time to save my life my friend" Gussy said to him as they shared a laugh
"Always will you just need to call" Naruto said as he liked to keep good relations with many people, he then saw Sterling very waisted hit on the disguised suicide bomber "hey Lana nice dress" he said to her
"Thanks…is that a transvestite" Lana asked seeing the large woman Sterling was hitting on was very mannish
"No real guy also suicide bomber" Naruto said stopping her from reaching for the gun strapped to her thigh "don't worry cut the cord he ain't detinating shit" he said to her calming her down
"How" Lana said as she was always impressed by his sleight of hand
"Always carry a blade" Naruto said as it was difficult to smuggle weapons here as it had many diplomats so he carried a switchblade with him "so how's it going with Cyril" he asked her curiously
"Well I really wanted to dance but he and Malory are just trying to secure more money" Lana said as she let out a sigh
Naruto smiled and bowed old fashioned way as he then took her hand and kissed it "may I have this dance" he said as they laughed
"You may" Lana said with a chuckle as they danced "jesus you are amazing" she said as Naruto lead her and he did it with such grace and gentleness
"Thank you" Naruto said with a truly genuine smile
'This is nice' Lana thought as she was always glad about the closeness they shared
They were brought out of their thoughts by a loud rip and scream
'Shit' Naruto thought as he grabbed a nearby tray and threw it at the bomber his brother having the same idea as he hit the man's neck and Sterling's tray hit the man's face
"Alright that was totally ninja bro come give me some" Sterling said as they high fived
"Naruto and Sterling Archer oh lahla" a beautiful woman with black hair in a red dress said as she fawned over them as she had a strong attraction to the men
"Yeah if you're...into that" Lana said looking at them
"Lana hun" Cyril said getting her attention
"Huh" Lana said as she was brought out of her thoughts "what's up buddy" she said to Cyril who sighed
"Oh dear" Malerie said as she sighed 'I swear this one' she thought as she looked at Sterling calling Gussy Santa Claus and began crying
(next day)
"You ready" Naruto asked Lana as they rode the elevator
"Yeah thanks need to get reacquainted with the spear gun" Lana said as she like to keep her skills refined with certain weapons in close and long range combat and Naruto was skilled in close and long range combat so he was the best to go to
"Naruto your mother has an assignment for you" the secretary in front said to him as she answered a phone call
"Cool if we put this on hold" Naruto asked her as he his mother wasn't a pleasant one to keep waiting as she was quick to anger
"Yeah" Lana said as this was another thing that made Sterling and Naruto so different Naruto wasn't at her beck and call all the time like Sterling and when he did answer he asked if things could wait for later and pick up then
(few minutes later)
"You want me and Sterling to train Cyril" Naruto asked wondering about the sudden request "sure" he said simply as the best way to out manipulate his mother was to agree and learn along the way
"Wow thanks Naruto" Cyril said gratefully
"Oh and Naruto this is a direct order you are not to tell Lana about this" Malory said as she knew about Naruto's loyalty to those he held dear which made him invaluable with others as he had a way to bond with others it was unbelievable it was a reason why she liked to take him to meetings or to meet investors he seemed to have this way about him that drew others to him "I want you to promise me" she said as she knew Naruto's promises were basically guarantees
"Fine" Naruto said to her giving her a small glare as he didn't like lying to his friends "c'mon Cyrils" he said as Cyril followed his lead
"So you think I can be a field agent" Cyril asked him curiously
"Maybe but know this Cyril the most important thing about being a field agent is to be prepared have a plan and be ready to improvise" Naruto said as things had a habit of going off the rails a lot
"Cyril" Sterling said as he appeared "Naruto you can take off I handle this" he said to him
(few minutes later)
"Jesus Christ that was amazing" Lana said as Naruto just beat her in less then a few minutes and had a spear pointed at her neck
"Yeah speargun great for shooting and if you ever get in close combat you can disengage the spear and use it for close quarters" Naruto said as he put the spear back in the gun and gave it to Lana
"Damn dude you are insanely good at this" Lana said to Naruto was very creative which is why she trained with him to get new and fresh ideas
"Thanks" Naruto said as he then got an alert for the ISIS newsletter
"What Pam say now" Lana said as she walked up to him and looked at his phone "that bitch said I have herpes!?" she said angrily as she ran out the training room to go find Pam
'This is gonna end bloody' Naruto thought hot on her tail and managed to catch up as she stopped in front of an elevator and jammed the gun between the doors
"Weapon" Sterling said loudly as he grabbed and pulled the gun
'Oh this makes sense' Naruto thought as Lana was very observant and knew when something was happening as Sterling and Cyril were together
(few minutes later)
"Do you know what's going on" Lana asked Naruto as she let Archer and Cyril go and was going to see Jane as she was a loose end
"Yeah but I can't tell you" Naruto said as he was being honest
"Malory" Lana said as she was tired of Malory pulling this kinda crazy shit "I'll keep silent thanks Naruto" she said as she went to get some supplies
(few hours later)
'Cyril seems real interested in Tranet' Naruto thought as that was a little weird as he seemed real interested to know her
Naruto watched as Sterling threw Cyril a lot of hypotheticals messing with him and put him in a scenario teaching Cyril how he should be thinking and made Cyril shoot a pillow Sterling made Woodhouse hold a pillow which Cyril shot
"Woodhouse are you alright" Naruto asked wondering if the elderly man was ok
"Yes Naruto thank you" Woodhouse said in appreciation
"Second threat" Sterling said as he fired ice with a slingshot making Cyril use Trinette as a shield
"Christ on sale" Trinette said in pain from the ice that hit her, she had large DD-cup breasts, curvy body, and a nice supple ass
"Trinette are you ok" Naruto said as he glared at Sterling
"Yeah" Trinette said as Naruto was an actual friend to her and they've never had sex "I'm outta here" she said as Cyril tried to stop her
"Trinette please" Cyril said wanting her to stay
'Ok now I'm wondering if I should tell Lana' Naruto thought to himself
"Please my fat Irish ass" Trinette said as she shoved Cyril away and winced as she pricked her hand against something sharp "what the hell is in your pocket" she said as she then felt dizzy and fell over
(few minutes later)
"You idiots" Naruto said angrily as he treated Trinette using a stethoscope and heard a faint heartbeat "you are both lucky I was here" he said as he then gave her an IV
"Cyril you open this goddamn door right now" Lana said angrily from the otherside of the door firing her gun at it
"Lana be careful that door is bulletproof" Naruto said loudly as he ran to her not wanting her to accidentally shoot herself
(few minutes later)
Naruto watched in amusement as Lana tore into Cyril as he made a drink and soon Trinette came out and slapped Cyril and Sterling especially when he made a comment about 'that not being her first needle'
"Screw you both" Trinette said as she began stomping out but gave Naruto a peck on the cheek "thanks for saving my life" she said as she hugged him
"Not a problem" Naruto said as he was always happy to save someone's life
"If you lie to me again you are a dead man" Lana said to him angrily as she left "hey Naruto wanna go for...I don't anything" she said as he came with her immediately just so they could hang out
(twenty minutes later)
"Oh Lana who is that new boyfriend much better than old one" a sweet elderly Korean woman said as she owned the video store Naruto was browsing
"No just a real good friend" Lana said as Naruto was reading titles as he was picking movies they could watch together
"Lana take some wisdom from this old woman break up with girly boyfriend and take him" the woman said to her in total seriousness
"I don't know he's always been a great friend oh my god now that I think about it he's my best friend" Lana said in realization as she realized how strong their bond was
"Well he may be more than that if you are getting this" the woman said as she held up a porno making Lana blush in embarrassment "this weak hold on since you value customer and need help I give you something good and a small discount" she said as she went and gave a dvd to Lana "5 dollar extra if you wanna keep it" she said with a normal smile with made the conversation even more awkward for Lana
"Done" Lana said as she handed her the cash for the porno which she hid in her purse and the movies Naruto brought over
"Pleasure to meet you ma'am" Naruto said as he took the movies
'Not my pleasure surely her's though' the woman thought looking at Lana
(few hours later)
'I swear and they say chivalry is dead' Lana thought to herself as she found herself in bed tucked in and everything, she guessed she fell asleep after watching movies with Naruto and he brought her here, she went to her living room and saw him sleeping on her couch with his shirt off sweating a little as her apartment was kinda hot, she stared at his glistening chest for god knows how long and walked over 'do I wanna risk our friendship' she thought to herself as she looked at the peaceful expression on his face and bent down and gently placed her lips against his
(few weeks later)
"Aw man sucks he died" Sterling said as he took a sip from his flask after he raised it for Hector Ruiz
"Sucks another friend died" Naruto said sadly as they had a small moment of silence thinking of their other friends that died Pat and Mgumbe
"Yes as sad as it is we need to make some diversity hires" Malory said to them
"We're a pretty diverse crowd" Cyril said referring to the core group as they all had different nationalities
"Eh" Lana said as there could've been more diversion as she was the only African American not counting the man downstairs who ran the cleaners
"Don't say it" Naruto said to Sterling as he didn't want another racial argument between Lana and him
"Anyway I'd like to introduce our newest agent Conway Stern" Malory said as she introduced the African American Jewish agent "oh and congratulations are in order as Naruto gets the big corner office" she said happily as Naruto earned it with all the money he got her and all the clientele but also got her UV protected windows stopping any form of glare or brightness from bothering her
"Damn dude that office is huge like twice the size of a regular office" Sterling said congratulating his brother
"Yeah want me to refurbish it" Lana asked curiously as her hobby was doing design catalogs for certain places like in homes or offices
"Much appreciated" Naruto said to her "and hey you're all welcome there no matter what ok" he said to all of them
(2 hours later)
"I don't trust him" Naruto said to his mother as she gave him the key to his office "and before you say anything I plugged up most of your moles" he said to her
"Fine what's this feeling you have" Malory asked him as Naruto's instincts were on another level
"He seems to cut and dry for this maybe a freelancer, infiltrator, conman" Naruto said as he found Conway's attitude somewhat off as he was sucking up to Cyril and Pam making them feel important and flooding them with compliments pretending like they were close for so long
"If he is why is he checking out so well" Malory said as his identity was clean
"Maybe fake name for other things also here I saw him plant this behind Pam's computer" Naruto said to her showing her a remote flash drive that downloaded then transmitted files as he went in there when Sterling had stormed out with Pam's newsletters
"What he take from Pam" Malory asked as that seemed odd as Pam had nothing of value to the agency that'd put them in danger
"Sterling's picture and information" Naruto said as Conway made a copy of it
"Why only Sterling" Malory asked wondering why her son specifically wondering if he was being targeted
"No idea" Naruto said as that made almost no sense "and another he messed up one of Lana's operations the one with the truck full of weapons" he said to her as Malory stopped and took advantage of many illegal things in the world
"Damn it" Malory said as she paid good money for those "why succeed in a mission though" she asked Naruto as that seemed strange for an infiltrator to succeeded where he already failed
"As a faint or to distract us from the failure" Naruto said as the mission Conway succeeded in was done beautifully in 2 calls while the failed one was a train wreck "I gotta go I'll keep this quiet till we can find out who this guy really is" he said as he went into his office seeing Lana sit on his standard office couch
"Hey" Lana said as she lied there
"What's up Lana" Naruto asked her curiously
"Why is your brother such an asshole and totally crazy" Lana asked him
"What do you mean" Naruto asked as she sounded more tired and confused then angry
"Well when I went to see Pam about the info she collected on Conway" Lana said as Pam was basically a detective as she dug into personal secrets and blabbed them "but Sterling took them and I went to ask him for it but wait for it he was shredding it thinking it was Brett's complaints against him" she said to him
'Damn' Naruto thought as he wanted to see what Pam got on Conway
"Oh and get this he told me he and Conway touched each others dicks" Lana said getting a confused look from Naruto
"Like touching the other guy's" Naruto said not knowing how to respond
"No they touched dicks their dicks touched" Lana said clarifying and laughing a little
"Wow" Naruto said not knowing how to respond to that
"Right" Lana said to him as she was still weirded out by it "hey can you help me go to your mother I wanna say something about Conway, but she's a little...lovestruck" she said as she heard what happened in the locker rooms earlier from Brett as he was in there changing when he heard Malory make passess at Conway
"Already in progress" Naruto said to her as he filled her in on what he knew
"Malory might be up to something" Lana said as Malory played a lot of crazy moves in the past and this seemed like one she was behind again
"Please don't do what I know you're thinking about doing" Naruto said to her as she marched out to Malory's office headstrong
"Hey Naruto thanks for treating me...again" Brett said as he walked by as after Sterling shot him he went over to Naruto like always
"Not a problem man" Naruto said as he felt guilty that his brother always fired at the man intentional or not
"Hey Naruto what's up I got to know everyone in the office but you how you doing man" Conway said as he walked in
"Dude wear aftershave you smell like sex and what I'm guessing is...shrimp and beef" Naruto asked as the man was definitely funky
"Yeah sorry" Conway said as he actually wished he had aftershave "wanted to find out if you wanted to go a few rounds heard you can fight" he said throwing a punch in mid air to emphasize his point
"Oh sorry can't now need to do something also fix your knife" Naruto said as he saw the hidden knife Conway had 'this guy way to shady for my taste' he thought to himself, he then left and locked his office to go see Lana no doubt in his mother's office and when he got there Lana clocked Cyril in the face and asked for they key to his office, he then went to ask his mother what happened
(few minutes later)
"How you holding up" Naruto said as Lana was crazy angry right now after being put on suspension
"I'm so incredibly angry right now" Lana said to him
"Yeah I bet what Cyril said didn't help" Naruto said as he was amazed Cyril was that dumb as he asked Cyril what he said as he looked at Lana's handy work and told him to get ice on that immediately as it would definitely swell
"Seriously what is wrong with him he is not a field agent but because I'm a woman or because of my race he thinks I'm jealous" Lana said as she was infuriated
"Listen you are perfect the way you are no one can say otherwise" Naruto said to her
"I thought you said nothing is always perfect" Lana asked as Naruto was very spiritual and philosophical
"That right but I'm talking about being yourself as that is what it truly means to be perfect" Naruto said as he didn't like it when someone actively tried to hide who they were all the time under a rouze they even believed was true
"Thanks I actually feel better and hey wanna help me set up your office" Lana asked him as she needed a distraction as angry and confused thoughts had been in her mind for a while
"Not a problem" Naruto said as they sat on his couch looking at furniture
Lana was in her own head even as she talked as Naruto seem to just listen to her every word 'why can't the guys I've dated had been like this so attentive so nice and actually hear what I say as just that' she thought as this was nice
(next day)
"You do realize this is his plan right" Naruto said to Malory as they looked at the almost identical match to Sterling that was simply aged
"Yes so go to Miami and stop him" Maloy said to him
"I'm being paid right and my flight is booked" Naruto asked her as she always wanted to cheat him by making him spend money
"Yes now go" Malory said to him silently cursing him for being so smart and wise to her cheap tactics
"I want Lana off suspension and when she calls you I want you to give her praise for her work I mean c'mon to put her on suspension" Naruto said as that was unnecessary
"What I didn't want...Conway to know we're on to him" Malory said pausing mid sentence as she tried to make a convincing plausible truth
"Un huh" Naruto said sarcastically "now un-suspend her" he said as he went to pack up
(couple hours later in Miami)
"Wow this is real nice" Lana said as Naruto saw her at the airport and left with her to Miami and right now they were a block away from Malory's condo watching Sterling while also enjoying some ice cream enjoying the treat and the fresh salty air
"Right" Naruto said as they watched Sterling do gross things people did in private like picking his nose and scratching his ass
"I swear your brother is a neanderthal" Lana said to him seriously
"Can't argue there" Naruto said to her "you set those cameras on the roof" he asked her
"Yeah and here's your tracker gun why have me do that anyway" Lana asked him as that didn't make sense to her
"I like to prepare Conway has made no phone calls or anything like that in the apartment" Naruto said as he and Lana got to the apartment first before Conway and his brother and set up cameras "and the only shady people are the ones where Sterling is" he said to her as he saw many people and noticed they all had a side arm
"Ok so no back up and no calls for pick up" Lana said thinking about this
"So either he's doing this alone and is gonna ditch when he has the plans via airport or unlikely in some occasions there might be a chopper" Naruto said as helicopters basically came up at weird places
"So why the cameras and the tracer gun" Lana asked wondering why he wanted or needed those
"I wanna see who is flying I wanna know who Conway was working for" Naruto said to her as he knew the cameras might not catch a good image
They were both interrupted when they heard a gunshot and looked to see Wilhelm Schmeck dead and saw Sterling aiming his gun at a man with a assault rifle pointed at him all the while bitching about his shirt and soon all the men around Sterling were aiming their guns and quickly taken down by Conway
"Those Cubans really want this thing" Lana said as they walked casually to the apartment and stopped seeing more Cubans leave a truck and enter the condo
"Yep" Naruto said as he followed the men slowly not wanting to be seen "you get the hang of that speargun" he asked as Lana said she had been practicing with it
"Yep" Lana said as she wanted to shoot Conway with it
They waited hearing gunshots seeing all the Cubans go down and got close to the door and heard Conway admit to what he had done in setting all this up, Naruto and Lana facepalmed as when Conway let Sterling ask a question he asked 'Did you have sex with my mother'
"Ok enough of this" Naruto said as he and Lana made their presence known and as Lana shot the speargun missing Conway she instead hooked it to the briefcase "bro you ok" he asked looking at Sterling as he was bleeding a lot
"Not really no" Sterling said weakly
'Shit I need supplies to treat this wound I can't rip it out prematurely otherwise I can increase the bleeding' Naruto thought as Lana at that moment tore of Conway's hand that was cuffed to the briefcase 'fuck the helicopter' he thought as Conway began to rise 'c'mon' he thought as he fired a tracer under the helicopter
"Hows he look" Lana said showing concern merely for the fact Sterling was Naruto's brother
"Crappy listen can you get me salt water my mother somehow drank all the rubbing alcohol" Naruto said as he only found the basic medical kit
Lana left and quickly returned as they were close to the beach "why salt water" she asked curiously as she found that odd
"Salt defuses the moisture in things put it on a wound helps close it and kill an infection like alcohol" Naruto said as he told Lana to apply pressure as he pulled out the knife carefully not wanting to increase the size of the wound "hows the hole" he asked his brother wanting a distraction
"Phrasing boom" Sterling said to him as he coughed some blood
"Go get me the lemons it'll help stop this hemorrhage" Naruto said as he got a bandage wrapping and cut the lemon Lana got with the knife his brother got stabbed with and applied the juices to the wrapping and pressed it into the wound putting pressure on it making Sterling wince
"He gonna make it" Lana asked curiously as that was amazing to watch
"Yeah he's lucky Conway didn't hit his spine or any bones" Naruto said as the knife was good "anyway call the cops while I go and collect the guns and weapons these guys had" he said looking at the Cubans
"What do we say about this" Lana said motioning to her gun and the case
"Put it in the closet down the hall and say it was a gang robbery type deal" Naruto said as it lead from across the street to here and with Sterling wound they were in the clear of being suspects
(1 hour later)
"Should be here" Naruto said to himself as he was tracking the helicopter and found it at a commercial sight 'maybe a front' he thought as he got his goggles on and used infrared and saw only one man inside so he casually walked up to the building
"Well I'm sorry Hawley this wasn't my fault blame the guy with the missing hand I swear I hate freelancers" the man said as he hung up mid sentence and talked to himself
"Ok idiot who are you" Naruto said as the man wasn't armed
"Oh um Slater" Slater said nervously "oh fuck you're Naruto Archer big fan man" he said as he knew about the assassin as he unknowingly did him a few favors and made his work easier killing the people he did
"Where's the jackass, he working for you" Naruto said to him referring to Conway
Slater let out a sigh "no I'm FBI well CIA technically but that's this whole other thing entirely" he said letting out a laugh
"Ok now I'm confused" Naruto said holstering his gun "want to get a drink I feel like a dick pulling a gun on you" he said as he wanted to calm this down
"Sure" Slatter said needing one after dealing with Hawley and was glad this didn't turn into a shit show
(20 minutes later)
"Ah so a plan to sell fake plans to China" Naruto asked Slater as he was filling him in on the details of this whole thing
"Yeah me and my well partner" Slater said as he did all the work "are a trader of goods and acquisition money for our agency doing a lot of shit like this" he said as it was always like this
"Ok I can get you the plans and you can show up your partner and let's say you and I split 50% cause the Chise sound like they'd pay about 20 million for the plans" Naruto said as they'd both get 5 million
"I like you Naruto" Slater said with a smirk as he agreed immediately as he was getting some respect at last
"Mind not informing Hawley about us don't wanna make enemies" Naruto asked him as he didn't want to piss off the FBI or CIA
"Tell Hawley about who and what" Slater asked as they shared a smile and drank a little more
(half hour later)
"Conway was CIA" Lana asked him in surprise as they were in the hallway
"No just a freelancer, but major dickhead" Naruto said as Slater gave him some info on Conway
"Thanks really didn't want to piss off the FBI or CIA" Lana said to him in relief
"Wonder why he picked ISIS though I mean he could've done all this with the FBI or CIA" Naruto asked himself curiously
(?)
"Yeah I can fix it but I must warn you it's still a prototype" Kreiger said as Conway had told him he lost his hand and was willing to pay top dollar to get a replacement "plus you'll be the first...person I attempt this on" he said to him warningly and after Conway giving him the green light he accepted
When Conway was there he went to 'make friends' with Kreiger as the man was in many dark circles and had been known for a lot, so Conway wanted to see what the man was all about and learned a lot and exchange numbers with one another
(with Naruto and Lana)
"Eh who cares Malory gave us the weekend here and it's Thursday" Lana said as Malory gave them till Tuesday and they were all being paid for this
"Great how's my brother" Naruto asked her
"Alive and bitching" Lana said as Sterling was doing that thing where he would call out to the person then loudly scream out their name till they responded breaking from their silent treatment
"Ok so wanna go shopping" Naruto said as they didn't plan to stay here a couple days
"Sure" Lana said with a smile
(next day)
"This is totally unfair we get a small vacation and I'm on bed rest" Sterling said as he was laying in the guestroom belly down
"Well you fucked up killing a guy" Lana said to him as Sterling said he was gonna kill Sterling not suck up to him in the end and then in an ironic way was betrayed
"Oh screw you" Sterling said as before Lana could hit his wound Naruto pulled her out the room "oh and enjoy sharing the master bedroom with my brother" he said as all the other rooms were either small or crap as his mother had shitty taste and he heard Naruto and Lana agree to share the master bedroom
"I swear I wanna kill him" Lana said to Naruto as she hated him ruining shit making it awkward for other people
"So do a lot of people ready to hit the beach" Naruto said as he was in nothing but a bathing suit and flip flops
Lana nodded and walked behind him staring at his nice muscular ass
(few minutes later)
"Thanks for doing my back" Lana said as Naruto applied sunscreen to her back
"Not a problem wanna hit the water later" Naruto asked her as they laid on their beach towels in the shade and relaxed
"Yeah sure" Lana said checking out Naruto's body "man you have no scars" she said as she was impressed as she got treated as she didn't want that many noticeable marks on her skin as she liked to show off her body
"I heal fast and know how to treat myself" Naruto said as he was very relaxed
Lana just stared her mind drifting back to the kiss she gave him and knew there was a connection right then and there she just didn't know how to deal with Cyril and ask Naruto out as she didn't want to come off as to desperate so she thought about spending more time with him to strengthen their bond wanting it to be more than friendship
(few hours later)
"Man look at these stars" Lana said as she and Naruto were on the roof looking at the sky as it was so much clearer here than in the big apple
"Yeah Woodhouse and I use to look at them" Naruto said as he did it with the old man years ago
"I swear it's like I learn something about you all the time" Lana said with a laugh as Naruto really liked to get out there
"Good to know I'm not predictable" Naruto said with a chuckle
"Naruto Lana" Sterling said calling out to them loudly
Naruto and Lana let out a groan and went to see what he wanted just to shut him up
(few minutes later)
"Do you have any drugs you can give him" Lana said as Naruto was restitching his brother as he tried getting up on his own and ripped his stitches in the process
"Thanks Lana I didn't know you cared" Sterling said in displeasure as Naruto restitched him
"I don't I meant something that'd put you down and knock your ass ot" Lana said as he was killing her time off
"Can you two stop" Naruto said as he tied the last stitch and got alcohol to apply to the wound
(1 hour later)
"Ugh I swear this sucks" Sterling said as he laid in bed drifting away to dreamland
(dream flashback)
"You look terrible" a 10-year old Sterling to an almost 9-year old Naruto as he was in a hospital bed while Naruto had a cast a black eye and a few stitches
"Someone had to stand up for you" Naruto said with a smile as his brother got bullied by two guys Ivy and Whitney and bullied him so hard he was in the hospital
"You're crazy" Sterling said as he didn't feel so alone with Naruto as he always had his back when the chips were down it gave him assurance when he could depend on someone like that and it made him feel safe, but he felt a little shitty as that was supposed to be his job for Naruto
"Well they can suck it" Naruto said with a smirk
"I swear this one has all the brains yet you both share the same level of idiocy" Malory said as she came to see them
"How are you boys" Woodhouse asked them in concern
"I swear smart enough to skip a grade, but not smart enough to walk away from a fight" Malory said drinking from a flask she had
"Well mom those guys were assholes and they messed with my bro so I clocked them" Naruto said sounding proud getting a chuckle from Woodhouse
'I swear this one' Malory thought as Naruto was very outspoken about his opinion, but it was always amusing seeing the things he could do
(with Lana)
Lana was having a tough time going to sleep as she stared at Naruto's unconscious body looking at his face wondering how he can be so on alert and yet at ease she asked him today as she wondered the same thing from the night before and he told her 'he felt comfortable and safe with people he trusted' and also said he could 'feel' an enemy
(next morning)
"Now this is pathetic" Lana said as Sterling was on a chair with wheels
"Fuck you to Lana Naruto cooks legit shit that Irish breakfast smells amazing" Sterling said to her as he was starving for good food
"Here" Naruto said as he gave Lana some tea and put a glass of coffee to the side as she enjoyed both
"Thank you" Lana said as Naruto got raw organic ingredients and made very delicious and healthy food and drinks "and screw you to you giant flapping anus even though I agree with you" she said as she agreed as Naruto's food was amazing
"I swear you two can't get along as even when you fight you agree then somehow still hate the other" Naruto said as he served them
"Yeah yeah it's Saturday assholes and we leave Monday" Sterling said as he wanted to enjoy this
"Here I got you some painkillers and I've been slipping some calcium supplements in your food" Naruto said as it was the same drugs his mother used
"No wonder I've been so kickass lately" Sterling said as he barely felt any pain except when he ripped his stitches that sucked tremendously
"And hey you and me are gonna spend the day together" Naruto said to him
'God damn it' Lana thought as she wanted to say something but couldn't as she knew it be a bitch move to try and get Naruto not to be around his asshole of a brother
"Cool...so what we doing" Sterling asked him
"We can go fish or drink" Naruto said as Sterling shouldn't be doing anything to strenuous as his wound was still healing
"Let's go get drunk" Sterling said as he picked himself up and pressed himself against the wall as he limped
"Good luck with that" Lana said as went around the condo looking for something to do
(few hours later)
"You look like shit" Lana said as Naruto was carrying Sterling in
"Yeah yeah" Sterling said to her as Naruto put him on the couch
"Me and Lana will be back me and her have to go get some groceries" Naruto said to him
"Uh huh" Sterling said as he was tired
(few minutes later outside)
"That's it leave" Conway said angrily as he saw Naruto and Lana leave and when they were far enough he went inside and saw Sterling on the couch "oh lookie here" he said with a smirk
"Oh c'mon I thought you were dead" Sterling said to him his words slurring as he got up and backed away looking for his side arm "ah fuck it I'll just beat you" he said thinking despite his drunken state he'd still win as Conway was still missing his hand
"I'll kill you like I did your ISIS buddies" Conway said to him with a grin
"Wait what" Sterling asked confused and worried about who he meant
"I've been killing some of your guys for the past two years my most recent kill was Ruiz so I could infiltrate you idiots you dumb idiot-" Conway was saying as Sterling punched him in the face
"You son of a bitch" Sterling said angrily feeling his blood boil also his stomach as he drank way to much and his body was upset from his sudden movement, he began bashing his fists into Conway "this is for Ruiz, Pat, and Mgumbe" he said moving to the side as Conway fired a gun and the bullet grazed his arm and Sterling knocked it away and Tackled Conway sending him back
"Wow I'm actually surprised you've been described as a missive dick" Conway said to him actually chuckling "not some pansy ass giving a shit about some other pieces of shit" he said to him laughing as he did so
"Those were my friends" Sterling said angrily as he glared at Conway 'Naruto's right I do have issues' he thought to himself as he was angry that Conway killed some of the few people he could call friends
"Well tell them I said hello" Conway said as he reached for the gun intending to shoot Sterling
"Fuck you" Sterling said as he shoved it onto the balcony and pushed him over it
"Oh shit" Conway said as he landed on top of a van luckily filled with a Cuban hit squad
"I'll kill you Conway Stern" Sterling said angrily as Conway limped away
"That isn't my name" Conway said as he struggled to walk as it hurt falling onto the fan
(few minutes later)
"What the fuck did that idiot do" Lana said as they saw a crushed van
"Well if he hasn't died yet" Naruto said to Lana "hold on some of these guys are alive" he said as he took out a knife and jammed it in their tracheas
"Why do you steal guns" Lana asked curiously
"One I'm cheap with weaponry and two I like to recycle guns I can get my hands on saves me time also I have them delivered to my mother for cash" Naruto said to her as they went up and saw Sterling a little messed up
"I'm gonna murder Conway" Sterling said to them very determined
Naruto and Lana had a few guess as to what happened and decided to leave it at that not pressing Sterling for details
(next day)
"I swear this condo is shit I actually think the blood stains are an improvement" Sterling said as they were spending their Sunday trying to clean up the mess that was in the condo
"You can burn Dutchess' painting if you help" Naruto said to him as their mother had it hanging over the master bed and honestly to him it was creepy
Sterling smiled at that as that offer was way to tempting and honestly hoping the dog was burning in hell
"What is his obsession with that dog" Lana asked Naruto
"That dog was not nice to him and you're talking to a guy who likes animals this one was like the dog version of our mother" Naruto said actually making Lana shiver and slightly understand his hate as she'd probably shoot it on principle if it was like how Naruto described
(next day back in NY)
"Aww man" Naruto said as he popped his ears
"C'mon" Lana said as they left while Sterling went to the nearest bar
"Hi hun" Cyril said as he waited for them
'Yay' Lana thought sarcastically as she wondered what she was thinking weeks ago when she agreed to go out with him 'oh yeah it was to piss off Sterling' she thought to herself as she remembered ever since they first met Archer greatly disliked Cyril thinking he was a complete and total wimp and pussy
"Thanks Cyril" Naruto said as he got in the back after he put the bags in the trunk
"So how was the mission" Cyril asked curiously as after his 'training' he found them more exciting
"Eh" Naruto and Lana said not wanting to go into details
I am putting up a pole for if Archer should remain single, get with Katya or Linda from the one time crossover between the two shows Archer and Bob's Burgers