While they are pretty intimidating the first time, after you manage to kill a few of them, you usually start to find patterns in the way they attack, like they usually start by either lunging at you or by spitting in your direction, if you can dodge them fast enough, it's just a matter of hitting their joints with enough strength to break something important.

Of course, I'm talking about the giant fucking spiders that can be found literally every-fucking-where in this world.

They have a really hard time turning, so if you can flank them, they're done for.

That is something that I'm really glad stayed the same from the game.

So with a final squelch, i've got a new spider corpse to play with later

Please tell me it's not necrophilia…

Okay first, eww, second, fuck off.

Speaking of things that stayed the same from the game, the first third of Bleak Falls Barrow also stayed the same, as in, it was the same amount of bandits as in the game, and they were about as competent to, if not less so, because i honestly don't remember a bandit in the game ever hitting one of their own with an arrow to the ass.

Though if i could have recorded that, I would, funniest shit.

As for the other bandits inside, well, let's just say that while snow isn't a good conductor for lightning, sweat definitely is.

Brought a whole new meaning to 'eye-popping shock'.

"Ha! You did it, now cut me down so I can get out of here!" Said the double crossing piece of shit dark elf tangled up in webs.

Turning to him, I debated if I should just kill him off.

Why would you do that?

Because, that is Arvel, he normally has an attachment to his name, "The Swift" if i remember correctly, though that name is clearly undeserved.

How so?

If he was as swift as the name would imply, he wouldn't have been caught.

Fair enough, I guess.

Pulling out the new Steel Axe I got from the dumbass that pulled the lever without checking, I walked toward Arvel.

"Come on, cut me loose!" He demands in a frustrated tone.

"Yeah, no." After saying that I bring the axe head down on Arvel's skull, splitting the top of his head open.

Letting go of the axe's handle, I begin searching his pockets and his bag, it doesn't take long for me to find the Golden Claw, I also find a few gold coins and a Healing Potion.

pocketting the potion, I head onwards down the tunnel-like hallways of Bleak Falls Barrow, all the while looking around trying to spot the usual loot of this place, checking every container along the way.

After sometime I get to the area where the Draugr usually off Arvel, and i gotta say, i'm really not feeling like dealing with a bunch of dried up, dragon-cock suckers right now, so I cast Wet Floor two times to cover the entire room, and start preparing the Sparks spell.

"Hey rot-wits! You fuckers couldn't catch me even if you were alive!" I scream at the top of my lungs, trying to catch the attention of all the Draugrs in the room.

You're going to use that strategy again?

If it ain't broken, why fix it right?

Meh, I guess.

You're no fun.

Anyway, Seems like I've got their attention, because I can hear the Draugr shuffling around, trying to find me.

As soons as I notice that every Draugr in the room is stepping into the wet floor, I cast Sparks for as long as I can hold the spell.

But it's only when they start to get crisp around the edges that I realize I've made a mistake.

I'm trying to kill undead with water and electricity, and while they are burning up from the inside out, they're also filling the room with the smell of burnt rotten flesh and it is horrible!

It also doesn't help that while their flesh is burning up and their armor melting, they aren't stopping.

Why aren't they stopping?!

While an electric shock would usually render a living being unable to move, they aren't exactly living, now are they?

… Right, they have no electric signals in their nerves to be disrupted by the electricity.

I'm a dumbass.

And it only took you this long to figure it out, congratulations!

Fuck you!

Pulling out my Axe, I ready myself for when the Draugr-turned-Skeletons finally reach me.

As soon as one of them gets within reach, I swing my axe down on them.

What i was expecting to happen when the axe hit the damn thing was for it to just hit it and for it to continue to come for me, i really didn't expect for it to just fall apart.


After repeating this tactic for a little while the room was clear, so I proceeded with the quest.

Level Up!x2

"Phew! That's the last of them." I say, after finishing off the last of the Draugr, not counting the last one at the end, in the tomb.

Walking forward, I reach the puzzle wall that is supposedly common in this kind of tomb.

Not even looking at the claw to see what the correct combination is, I turn each of the discs, I guess you could call them that, three times each and insert the claw and turn, and not even 5 seconds later the puzzle wall starts lowering itself into the ground.

Heh, the perks of meta-knowledge.

Once the stone wall is down, I walk forward into the final chamber and it is way darker than in the game. It makes sense I guess, since you could only really see in the game because that's what it was, a game, it wouldn't do for a game to have that kind of low lighting.

Though exceptions exist, after all, the Soulsborne franchise is a thing.

Hopefully i won't have to deal with that, because fuck that freaky shit.

Anyway, after I made my way over the little stone bridge that cuts through the stream that separates the chamber in two, I go over to where i remember the two extra chests to be, going behind the little waterfall in the corner of the room and behind the Word Wall, before going to the big one, though i don't get much from those two chests, 50 Gold in total from the two, a copper and garnet circlet and a few healing and stamina potions.

"Seriously?! Oh come on, what a rip off!" I exclaim in frustration at the mediocre loot from what is supposed to be the tomb of some important schmuck from the Dragon Cult Era.

While I'm distracted with my ranting, the sarcophagus behind me is blasted open from the inside, quickly getting my attention.

Oh yeah, gotta deal with this guy, it shouldn't be too hard…


"... I just jinxed myself, didn't i?"


It's worse than i thought it would be, because what come out of the sarcophagus isn't a Draugr Overlord, it's a fucking mask-less Dragon Priest.

A freaking Dragon Fucking Priest.

"Nope." as soon as i say that i turn towards the exist and run, i'm NOT fighting a fucking Dragon Priest at my current level.

Problem is, the fucking thing seems to still have some of it's thinking capabilities beyond the necessary to cast spells, since it floated over me to stand in the way of the exit, with a frost spell prepared in hand.

Using all the might in my misealy 18 DEX score, I attempt to dodge the spell when it's fired at me, and while I do manage to dodge it, it's a near thing since I still lost some HP from it grazing my ankles.

Thinking fast I cast Water Pike at it, dealing 100 damage, it may seem overpowered but at the moment Water Pike is actually my most powerful spell, instant damage wise, that can be cast quickly.

'Wonder how much HP this fucker has?'

Dragon Priest

Level - 15

HP - 900/1000

Oh that's really not good.

Turning away from the damn thing, I run back to the entrance of the room as fast as I can, which is made increasingly difficult with this rot-wit spamming the Frost Storm spell on my ass, which adds a Slow Debuff to targets that get hit.

Did I mention that the debuff stacks? BECAUSE IT FUCKING DOES

Oh stop whining.

Fuck you Bob!

Thanks to that, I don't manage to get to the door, thankfully I do get to a piece of broken architecture, which I hide behind.

Okay think, how do I get past this fucker? In the game Dragon Priests were among the most annoying enemies to deal with, because they're always trying to keep their distance from you, but this fucker is doing the opposite, he's behaving more like the Draugr Overlord that was supposed to be here than an actual Dragon Priest, so-


Not even questioning Bob, I duck avoiding getting my face chopped in two by an Ancient Nordic Sword.

Scrambling away from my previous hiding spot, I see that the rot-wit priest is ALSO wielding a sword, which, going by the fine mist coming off of it, has a frost enchantment.

" … SERIOUSLY?! A SPELL-SWORD DRAGON PRIEST?! HOW IS THAT FAIR?!" I shout in angry disbelief.

The Dragon Priest seems to understand my frustration, because the motherfucker starts laughing at me!

"Hi fen oblaan het, joor!" The Dragon Priest rasped.

"Not if i can help it, you fucking rot-wit!" I shout back

Wait… you understood that?

Later, now I'm busy!

Pulling out my Steel War Axe in one hand and Alvor's Gift in the other, I lunged at the Dragon Priest, trying to either cleave the bastard with the axe or stab it with the dagger, nevermind that the iron dagger is literally a butter knife in this world.

And while I got a few hits in, lowering it hp from 900 to 854, I still got my shit pushed in, because I was a third of my hp from dead, which pushed my Physical Resistance up by 10 levels

Okay, time to think up a new strategy.

I'm not fast enough, so i could put some points in DEX, but that alone wouldn't help me, i still need to be able to deal and take damage, which would mean adding points to STR and END, but that all would result in squat if i can't get a hold of this fucking rot-wit.

-30 HP

Alright this is getting really worrying, i'm down to 36HP!

In a sudden move of desperation I throw Alvor's Gift into the damn thing, somehow managing to stab it in the base of the neck, which cuts off the shout that it was about to hit me with, stunning it.

Dragon Priest

Level - 15

HP - 840/1000


Which gives me enough time to get some distance between me and the Dragon Priest, get to cover and resume trying to come up with a plan to not die.

Opening my Inventory I pull out my only healing potion.

"I really should've bought more of these things... or made more of them" I muse to myself.

Chancing a look from behind my hiding spot, I'm surprised to see the Dragon Priest struggling to pull the dagger from its throat, which gives me an idea.

Hey Bob?


Can Water Whips be cast multiple times at the same time?

If you have the necessary Magicka, yes.

And does it need to be cast specifically from my hands?

Not really, it's just easier to picture spells being cast with your hands, though the hands are the most used casting medium due to possible safety hazards.

Looking at my MP, I quickly calculate how much i'd need to pull this off, and i'm extremely happy to see that i have just about enough to pull this off, though i only have one chance, if any part of this doesn't work i'm dead.

So quickly downing the healing potion, restoring 25 HP, I put 20 points in STR and END, bringing both up to 30, 2 points in DEX bringing it to 20 and the rest I put in LUK, because I'm honestly gonna need it.

Time to go kill this thing or die trying, literally.

While the Dragon Priest is distracted with the dagger in his throat, I cast Geyser Trap right below him, as such it automatically detonates, launching him in the air and dealing 550 damage.

[Skill Level Up!]

Dragon Priest

Level - 15

HP - 290/1000

Now comes the hard part, concentrating, I try to cast four Water Whips from my back to restrain the air-borne Dragon Priest, and after a quarter of a second I watch as four water tentacles spawn from my back and restrain the monster, a nice bonus is the fact that each Water Whip dealt around 50 points of damage.

Dragon Priest

Level - 15

HP - 90/1000

[Skill Level Up!] x3

Though almost immediately after i start to feel the strain on my brain from casting spells using any other body part other than my hands.

Now that the Dragon Priest is restrained, I begin casting Sparks at it, aiming for the metal of my dagger stuck in his throat.

When the electricity of the spell hits the metal, the Dragon Priest starts thrashing in his watery shackles.

Critical Hit!x2

Dragon Priest

Level - 15

HP - 58/1000


So good news, bad news, better news, worse news and even better news.

Good news is that the plan's execution went swimmingly, bad news is that it failed to kill the fucker, better news is that due to the side effect of the Spark spell it's unable to use its magic for a while, worse news is that so am i, since i'm out of MP.

Even better news, its stunned, which gives me the chance to finish it off

Switching my Steel War Axe for my Spider leg, I rush the Dragon Priest with the goal of stabbing it in the head for a crit, since the Spider Leg deals my strength plus 10 as damage, all I need right now to kill it is a critical hit.

And it's just my shitty luck that saves it, because the thrice-damned rot-wit chose that moment to regain his bearings and fucking dodged!

Trying to capitalize on my failed attack, the Dragon Priest swings his sword at my head, though thanks to my increased DEX score all he manages to do is give me a shallow cut on my face instead of cutting the whole thing off.

Lunging again I managed to stab the Dragon Priest, though I hit his chest which isn't the crit that I was going for, but it's better than nothing.

With only 18 HP left, the Dragon Priest regains his ability to cast spells and once again shoots a Frost Storm spell at me, slowing me down and halving my HP, leaving me with 30 HP.

This fight is going to be decided by whoever lands the next attack.

As soon as I see him prepare to cast the Frost Storm spell again, I pull out my Steel War Axe and throw it at him, managing to hit and kill him, just as he casts his spell which I barely dodge, leaving me at 1HP...

Level Up!

… For about 3 seconds, full restore upon leveling for the win, baby!

Congratulations, you didn't die! Again, that is.

Love you too, Bob.

Anyways, i should probably get that last treasure chest, the rot-wit's sword and the Dragon Stone, i've had enough of this bullshit.

Also, as soon as I get to Dragonsreach, I'm drop-kicking Farengar.

But why?

'But why?' he says, maybe because of the fucking Dragon Priest that wasn't supposed to be here?!

That's hardly his fault.

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I GIVE A DAMN?! I know it wasn't his fault, but he's the one who sent me here, so I'm blaming him!

After grabbing everything of value that I could, I made my way to the exit.

Once I was outside, I noticed that it was still bright outside, which doesn't make sense, because even in the game, where everything is smaller, you'd still get out of the tomb during the night if you entered during the day.

Hey Bob, how long was I down there?

A day and a half.

God damn it.

So, how is everyone doing? i'm still alive.

Anywans, the last time you guys heard from me I had fucked my hands up, they're better now if you guys are wondering.

Now the reason for why it took so long to write this chapter, well i'm a university student, trying to get a license to be a teacher, so i had to intern at a daycare as a part of my course and write a report of over 50 pages, all that while my hands were still healing, that ended in april this year.

Then one of my uncles died of cancer while another got Covid-19, he's better now by the way, THEN my mother got suspected of having Covid, and i had to take care of her, AND THEN one of my cousins tried to off herself, she's okay now too.

Oh, and I lost my job, can't forget that.

So yeah, this has been an especially shitty year for me, and I still have to complete two more obligatory internships for my uni course, with one of them starting next weekend, so don't be surprised if I disappear for a while again, i'll try to write the next chapter as soon as possible, though i can't promise if it'll be soon or not.

Anyways, I hope you guys like this chapter. I spent hours on the fight scene alone, but I think it turned out decent enough, even if it is half the length of my previous chapters.

See you guys later.